Another year later, not good update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HereWeGoAgain, Mar 25, 2011.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Hey friends, I've been off the forum for almost a year but dropped back in to tell about our difficult child's latest crash.

    My last update. almost a year ago, was very upbeat (this thread:

    After that good report, difficult child maintained for several months.

    Then, aided by wife and I strapping on mega-sized blinders and doing some world-class enabling, she began a long slide back into heavy partying and eventually addiction to pain pills and meth.

    By November she moved out but then in December we once again let her move back on her latest promises to get help and stay clean.

    A week before Christmas she took our car to go pay a visit to her grandfather. She then called wife saying that she had stopped on the way at a casino to play the slots. wife told her to come home immediately, but she did not and was not heard from for the next six days. wife reported her to the police for unauthorized use of the car (not theft, since she lived at our house and wife gave her the keys). The day after Christmas, difficult child called a friend from a convenience store. The friend called wife, wife called the police, and then she and easy child son went to the store. difficult child was severely strung out and had lost the car, did not know where she last had seen it or who she had been with. After speaking to wife, difficult child and easy child son, the officers asked if wife wanted to press charges about the car, and she said yes. They told her the case would be referred to the detective division and they would decide whether to proceed, in which case difficult child would be arrested and jailed (the detective division later declined to pursue the case). difficult child was taken to a behavioral health center run by the city. She spent the next week in the center's Secured Crisis unit, a sort of lockup for people undergoing psychiatric crises. During the stay wife informed her that she could not return to our house. difficult child called my parents to request a place to live while looking for a rehab. They said yes, on condition of her signing a "contract" detailing strict expectations, including that if she left without permission, she could not come back again.

    One night after about a month, they dropped difficult child off at an AA meeting, after which she was going to socialize with some of the members and then call to be picked up, using a cell phone they lent her for the purpose - this was to show that she had earned back a little trust by having stuck to the contract. Turns out that little bit of trust was misplaced. She did not call and did not answer calls to the phone.

    For the next few weeks she stayed with a series of acquaintances. She met my parents a few times, to get her clothes and medications, and a couple of times she talked them out of a little money and once they bought her some clothes, before they got wise. At one point she wanted to move back in with them but they refused.

    Earlier this month she called them again, saying that she wanted to get into a church-run six month residential rehab program. They agreed to sponsor her there if she could get in, and drove her out to tour the place and turn in an application. Part of the process is an interview - difficult child never did follow up on scheduling the interview.

    So as of now, we have no idea where difficult child is staying. It seems that she has burned the last bridge and will finally have to shift for herself.
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2011
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I know this is heartbreaking for all of you.
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm sorry- it's the neverending saga of drama with these adult kids. I know it's hell on you and your family. Stay strong!
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You believe you have done everything you could do...maybe, plus some. Your parents understand that they have done everything they could do...maybe, plus some. It's a crying shame that many many of our young adults just don't get it. The whole family has my sympathies and understanding and fervent hopes that she will soon hit bottom and fight her own way up. Hugs. DDD
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Good to hear from you again, sorry it is under such tense circumstances. I've thought about you and wife often over the last year and wondered what had become of your daughter. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst as Fran often says. However; perhaps in daughter's case - this is the beginning of the best since it is the beginning of the worst. One can only hope, like DDD says that she will soon find her bottom. That being the case? There is now where else to go but up. In that? Is where all of us as parents place our hope. I think I used to stand at the top feining encouragement, and somewhere along the line I just decided it was much easier or more comfortable to stand hopeful - but at the bottom or rather what I considered the bottom and wait then just push up. At least that way you're literally behind them, pushing.

    What IS excellent in your case is wife. My word has she come such a long way. I'm so proud of her standing up for herself. That's incredible, and how painful it must be too. I remember when you two were oceans apart. (no pun intended). This is a good thing. And your parents? Awesome that they have finally gotten on board with no more help and allowing their granddaughter the ability to fall. That's so hard, but so necessary if she's ever going to have a chance to find her own rock bottom.

    Keep us updated - I hope the next update is a much brighter one. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back but sorry its for this. I will remain hopeful that your dtr will reach her bottom soon and turn it around. I know how hard it is on you and your family. I feel so badly for your granddaughter because she is the one who really pays in all this. You and your wife are doing the best thing you can for your dtr by taking care of your granddaughter. I know that I keep all of my son's issues out of my granddaughters life because I dont want them to touch her.
  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    No sooner do I post than something happens.

    difficult child called wife Friday morning, said she had been beat up the night before. She wanted wife to get easy child 1 (who is homeschooled) out of the house for a while, then come get her, take her to get her clothes from somewhere, bring her home to get a shower, and then give her a ride to detox. wife said she didn't think so, but she was sure my parents would get her to detox. difficult child said OK, she was going to call somebody about her clothes and would call back.

    wife then called to alert my mom, who said yeah, they'd take difficult child to detox but not all over town first; and to easy child 1's counselor, who was also difficult child's counselor last fall. The counselor came over to the house to talk to difficult child when she called back. But difficult child didn't call again, and calls to the number she had called from went unanswered. wife had a bit of a breakdown, felt like she had turned difficult child away when she was seeking to make a change. My mom came over and she and the counselor sat with her for a couple of hours.

    So again, we don't know where difficult child is or what she is doing now. I think if she was serious about getting into detox again she could do it -- in my opinion she just threw it out to get wife into "helper" mode - it didn't work this time, so hooray wife! And thanks mom and counselor for getting her through the worst part. It is so hard for wife to sit on her hands, but for easy child 1's sake she is learning to refuse to let difficult child's drama overwhelm her.