Ant makes detachment so easy....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Oct 14, 2011.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Ant called husband last night because he wanted to pick up his stuff. Of course, he wants to pick it up after husband has gone to work. Okay, I can handle that.

    I go downstairs and pack all of his stuff into boxes so that it's all ready for pick-up.

    Ant shows up with this attitude of righteous indignation. Like we have done him wrong and that our meaness is causing him all of his problems. I had a hard time not laughing at him as he loaded up his boxes.

    Yet, it is sad that the kid still has no clue about "Consequences of your own actions". I don't know if he will ever understand that concept. And until he does, he will have a tough life.

    He lost a second job because he doesn't get to work on time, but it's bad bosses. He got kicked out of our home because of disrespect and drug use, but we are just mean and love easy child best. He's got a few things that will be going to collection soon, but it's not because he owes them anything - they should be over it by now. He actually said that both of his MIPs should just go away now that he's getting close to 21. Like that makes everything okay.

    Part of me wonders if his attitude isn't part of always getting away with things. No matter what a teacher or the principal set as a condition, they always went back on their word because Ant is so charming and so sweet that "we just can't be mean to him". I was the only one that ever followed through. And that was with my hands tied behind my back because mother in law underminded me every step of the way.

    I think I will always wonder if we could of got Ant turned around if I could of got everyone on the same page. Ant never had consequences that followed through except for mine. So I think he really does believe that if he lets things go that they will go away since it has always worked in the past.

    I do feel sorry for him in that he will have to learn everything the hardest way and then he might still refuse to learn the lesson. But, this is his life. He's making a choice on how he wants to live it. I did my best to show him the right paths. And if he chooses not to go down those paths, it's his life and he has that right.

    It's sad that he is choosing to life his life this way, but I have let go. If or when I see him, I see him. If I don't, I still love him. I always will. Yet, I'm not tied to him anymore. I guess that last apron string has been cut. And....I'm actually okay.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    :grouphug: Poor guy. Sorry you are going through this.
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Don't wonder. The answer is no. (At least that's what I tell myself. Over and over and over again.) Wondering will only make you go around in circles. There is nothing you could have done differently that would have provided a better outcome. In fact, because of everything you DID do - he has survived relatively intact to this point. And you've given him a really strong foundation should he ever decide to straighten out. Regular people (Non difficult child's) appreciate second chances (sometimes needing a 3rd chance-but never a 4th,), learn from their mistakes, and have at least a teaspoon of humility. difficult child's don't. And nothing you could say, do, teach, mirror, etc could add the missing component.

    Shout it to the rooftops "I AM OK" YAY!
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Next time, let yourself actually laugh out loud at it. I've done it many times, especially with Nichole. It brought her up short on how ridiculous she was being. And it let her know that her "attitude" had no effect on me.

    This was husband for much of his lifetime. mother in law was a major rescuer. Until I put my foot down and drew my line in the sand, husband pretty much got away with just about everything because mother in law would come to his rescue and he knew it. He did learn to do better though, much better, it's sad that it wasn't until his late 40's early 50's that he really learned it though.

    Katie's mom was a major rescuer too. The system has not yet caught up with Katie, I still have faith it will eventually. (karma is a witch with a capitol B) We as a family don't rescue. Katie is like the female clone of husband's worst faults made a thousand times worse by mental illness. But having lived with husband.......I know the worst thing I can possibly do for her is attempt to rescue her.

    I hope for your difficult child that natural consequences come into play quickly while he is young so that he learns that the real world doesn't work that way. Because it's next to impossible to get it through their head once they hit their 30's and up.

  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Pretty sure Ant and Kat were twins separated at birth. She thinks the exact same way and actually frequently fools people with her stories of how mean I am! Ha! If I only I were as mean as I wanted to be! But really, probably no matter what you or anyone else did he would have turned out the same. Hopefully these kids are just late to mature (altough I doubt it) and will at some point get life figured out. Hang in there!
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Sounds like Ant and my son could be good friends!! Ant sounds like he does better at dodging trouble than my son though. My difficult child has had a lot of the same attitude as Ant but when he ended up on his own out of the house, he got into trouble a bunch and last year spent a couple of weeks in jail. The one thing he learned from that is he doesn't want to spend time in jail. I think that has helped him a bit to see that the world is not as easy as he had it at home. LOL. So he has had a dose of reality......BUT now he is in rehab dual diagnosis place... and he still got defiant and tried to bend the rules. I think his therapist gave him a pretty strong dose of reality that this isn't going to work in your life, and if you continue doing this kind of thing in the world, they are going to get fed up and you will end up doing serious time in prison. So hopefully now that it is no longer mom and dad trying to enforce the rules but the world he will wake up and realize that his ODD behavior is not working for him.

    So Ant will eventually have to face real world consequences... I hope for his sake it is sooner rather than later.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mom2....yours isnt the only one who has that issue and who the whole world catered to and enabled. They did it to and with Cory too. I got so mad, fed up and in fact, I stomped my feet a few times with the courts, juvenile probation officers, mental health get the picture.

    Folks would tell Cory X would happen if he did Y but then it wouldnt happen. He was on probation when he was 14 for something. At this point I cant even remember what. His sentence was a years probation, 7 days active in juvy that was suspended and held over his head, rules were to obey parents rules, go to school, get a C average or above, attend mental health, take his medications, obey curfew, blah blah blah.

    This all happened in the summer he turned 14. He turned 14 in July so it had to be either late July or early August. School started late August. He was skipping school by the first week of September. He was in 8th grade. I immediately called his probation officer and reported this to him. He said he would talk to him about it. Sigh. I knew I was in trouble. Cory continued to skip school. I would take him to school myself and physically hand him off to the hand on his and put Cory's hand into the teachers hand. I would drive to work and have my coworkers tell me they saw Cory on the road heading home! I would call the PO. He would "talk" to him. Nothing was done. In fact, after one of my reports about skipping school, the PO took Cory to a Xmas party!

    One time when Cory skipped school, he went into a grocery store and shoplifted dog collars that would fit puppies. We had no puppies! He was caught and the police were called. They had him in the office in the back of the store and had called his dad. Cory was begging them to take him to jail instead of calling his The cops, Cory and his dad were all in the office talking to him. Cory kept telling them that if he didnt go to jail his dad was gonna kill him for this. Cop told him he ought to. Tony looked at him and said can I? Cop just said be my guest. Tony whipped the tar out of him and the cops walked out and said no need to arrest him, parents taking care of it better than we could. True actually. Cory was more afraid of us than the police.

    Then in April, almost 9 months after I had started calling the probation officer about Cory starting to skip school he finally decided to violate him for his first instance of skipping school in September. Never mind the fact that he ended up skipping 88 days by the time 8th grade ended. The violation was for 3 days in September! I was ******.

    Then as an adult, oh gosh...every time he had anything that took him to court it was probation and nothing was done. $50 fine and court costs but they waived them because he didnt have an income. Always a court appointment lawyer if it was anything much. Still nothing happened to him. Until the biggie. No wonder he felt he could get away with anything. Nothing ever had. No one had ever put the breaks on him. No one ever meant what they said. Whenever I told him you cant do X because that means you could get this as punishment, he just thought I was blowing smoke. I never knew anything. I was stupid and he knew it all. Sigh.

    When I had him charged he was floored. The law finally did work. They finally didnt put up with his junk anymore. It was a long road that was filled with many potholes but finally he has crawled out and pretty much learned that there are laws, they do indeed apply to him and everyone else out there. Gee. Only took about 22 years or so to teach him that lesson. If folks had backed me up on that lesson when he was about 11 or 12, I think he would have had an easier time. He was pretty good about understanding that when he was little but others taught him different when he hit his teens.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    What you say is so true.... the law takes a long time to get a grip and do something, especially with our difficult child and their minor stupid offenses. My son got sent to jail because he did so many stupid things in a short amount of time. I don't think they finally held him until his 5th arrest within 5 months...... all for stupid stuff... but by then I think they knew they needed to teach him a lesson and so they did. So the law does eventually come down but in some places it does take a while... and once you are in that position and on probation as an adult it is risky if you do anything more wrong because they can violate you and send you to jail.

    Really I am convinced if my difficult child doesn't really get the help he needs he will end up in prison.... so hopefully he is getting that message as well.

  10. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Your whole post could've been written about my kid. Good grief. XH was the one who always gave him an out (DS sees it as "dad always had my back", even though he hates his father and won't speak to or see him) and I was always the one who pushed for follow-through and consequences. DS still hasn't quite forgiven me for telling a judge that we really needed to put our money where our mouth was and give DS juvenile detention time for his umpteenth probation violation. DS always got around the probation and school folks with charm, and has been able to get away with lots and lots of ridiculous things. I don't know if more follow through would've kept him from the drugs, though. It might have tempered some of the arrogance, but since he's a virtual clone of both his father and my father, maybe not.

    Thank you for posting this (including the post title, which made me laugh) - I'm taking a lot of strength from reading about your situation in particular because of the parallels between our difficult children' choices.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I find that if I look back too much that I get very angry. I find myself asking... what if this doctor hadn't done that, or this person had done that, or what if husband had tried had taken on more of the dicipline instead of leaving it to me. What if husband had insisted that difficult child stick with scouts and volunteered instead of giving up etc, etc, etc. The what ifs are so numerous and so futile. The anger that comes with rehashing these things no longer serves a purpose It is all in the past and the past cannot be undone. Therefore I do not think that looking back in a way that conjurs up so much angst is healthy. I try to deal with the present and look to the future. It is the only way for me to live with any kind of happiness and peace. -RM
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I don't know where you got the attitude girl...........BUT I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

    While there is always a part of us that feels for our sure feels a lot better when they're OUT the door and living their lives with their OWN consequences......sitting there trying to figure out whom to blame NOW. After about a year? It was reaaaaaaaally a stretch for Dude to point a long distance finger and say "But you.......and Dad....caused me to...." Yeah------when you start hearing "I" statements it's a really beautiful thing. Shocking - but beautiful.