Are there any guidelines for kicking the addict out of the house?

[Meditator]

So after all the denial and pain that everyone goes through with false promises, anger, and after being played a million times, we decide it is inpatient or out of the house. Now what do we do? Are there any good ways to do this? what if she comes pounding on the door in the middle of the night? Are within our legal rights to kick her out? Basically i have only 2 questions, Is it legal? and is there anything we should know from your experiences about it?

oh yes, she is 19. We as parents are divorced and she is living with ex wife, but we are (finally) united in this.

 

[Kathy813]

Hello and welcome. There is no easy answer here because the law varies from state to state. Where we live, husband and I were shocked to find out that we couldn't kick out our adult daughter who was bringing drugs into our home, lying, and stealing from us. We were told by the police that we had to go through the eviction process to make her leave even though she wasn't paying any rent or contributing to the household in any way. Others on the board have reported the same thing.

I think that you should check with your local police department or court system to find out how things work in your state. I think that someone on the board said that in NY, they were held legally responsible for taking care of their kids until the age of 21.

Others will come by with more advice. We finally had to go to the court and get a temporary restraining order to get our daughter to leave.

Can you tell us more about your daughter? Are drugs and alcohol part of the problem? Does she have any mental health issues?

You have come to a place where we have all dealt with the issues that you are facing. Please keep posting. The CD board is a place to find advice and support.

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome. I'm sorry you're experiencing this with your daughter, it's a positive sign that you and your wife are on the same page, presenting a united front is important. Kathy gave you good advice, first find out what you have to do legally to evict your daughter. Here in CA. you have to get legal paperwork completed and there is a time period, I believe it's 30 days. You can then have a Sheriff escort them out.

What many parents here have done is to set the boundary that they are comfortable with, in your case it's inpatient or eviction, you will know at that point what the eviction laws are and you say, "you have a choice, inpatient or eviction. If you do not choose inpatient, you have X amount of time to get your stuff together, find a place to live, get a job, etc." Then you hold that line and don't waver. You may want to do some research into restraining orders and local shelters so you are armed with all the necessary information you will need.

As you know, our adult kids who are using are remarkably manipulative, so she will likely escalate and use whatever manipulations have worked in the past and then she will up the ante. Be prepared. Many of us seek out professional help, attend al-non meetings, parent groups, therapy, whatever it takes for us to hang tough and learn the tools of detachment. You may get some value out of the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

If your daughter has emotional and or mental issues, you could also try NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, they are a great resource for parents. You can access them online, they have chapters everywhere. Good luck. This is a difficult path for us parents, it helps to keep posting. We understand your anger and your anguish.

 

[BusynMember]

sweetdixie, I recommend you start a new thread for yourself so that people will see it and can respond to it. I'm sorry you are going through this. I am assuming he is on drugs?

Any adult child who abuses their parent in my opinion has to either agree to the parent's rules, including getting help, or explain to the adult child that he can not live there anymore. We are not punching bags for our kids or their endless supply of money. You have to do what you FEEL you can do, but you have a life outside of your son and his problems and you deserve to live it in peace. Your son CAN get help for himself and I'd support that decision if he makes it. But I wouldn't put up with any violence in my home.

 

[Meditator]

welcome newbie, I am new here also, but it looks like you posted this in my thread which means the only ones who will read it are me and those who read my thread about guidelines for kicking an addict out of the house. But I will reply to this and give my opinion. but you should re-post this in the main area. I feel all the pain as i read your post and i understand. Your son is so much a part of your DNA that he has become your drug. You need to be apart from him ... possibly forever. You should not be the victim of verbal or physical abuse, period. 5 mos! that was a great stretch, but you see that you gave him yet another chance and it didn't work. Do it all again. Save yourself. You only have control over your own mind.

 

[Meditator]

Thanks Kathy, that's what i was worried about. Last time I called the police when her boyfriend came to me and told me she was dealing from xwifes house, they hinted that it might not be so easy to get her out. I will call them and get the laws. difficult child and her boyfriend live in the house when they are not fighting. I dont know if he is an addict or not, but i know he has an alchohol problem. I plan to include him in the discussion. I do believe she has a mental problem, something like defiance, borderline personality disorder, sociopathy, narcissism, as you can see i have spent time diagnosing her. My son has Bipolar so i know the symptoms of that. difficult child started the defiance at about 12, and she would leave chat open and i saw shed be discussing adderall and weed with her friends. She did not follow curfew and stopped coming home after school. I spent many days searching for her. She never did an ounce of work in school, is promiscuous, defiant, and reckless. Although I really have to say that aside from glassy eyes.. she never really seemed "stoned" or like nodding off out of it. She says she smokes weed often. She was kicked out of school for weed once. SHe has her diploma from HS, and dropped out of community college.

 

[Karenvm]

Hi.
I recently met with an attorney, as my difficult child was about to turn 18, and we too, wanted to know our rights. It may vary by state, but we learned that as long as my son was not in school (he was graduating HS, and had no plans for college, due to the crazy year he had), we were not required to provide him with any support. The attorney recommended that we remove him from our insurance, though I did not do that (yet. He has been doing really well, as I think he really got scared when he learned he would be on the street if he used pot again). If he was enrolled in school, or college, or if we had been previously paying rent for him somewhere, then it would not be as simple to "evict" him.

Hope this helps!

*Karen