Asked my son's girlfriend not come over everyday

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Don, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. Don

    Don New Member

    My son is 24 and his girlfriend is 21. They have been dating for 1 year and 1 month. The first month when they were dating, I notice she was coming over every day. Her visit would avg about 8 hours per day through the week and 12 hours per day on weekends. Then I ask his girlfriend do you notice a pattern that you been coming over every day for the past month? And it feels like you moved in. She look confused and hurt. She started to cry and couldn't understand why couldn't come over every day. So like a fool, I gave in to her because she was crying. So I told her never mind, forget what I said. Go ahead and keep coming over like you been doing. Then 6 months when by and she still was coming over 7 days per week. So I figured I would try again and this time hope to be stronger. I ask her and my son if we can talk at the kitchen table. I then explain to both of them, sorry but I really don't like anyone coming over every day. Even told them I wouldn't like my brothers, sisters, uncles, or anyone to come over every day and stay 10 hours per day. I have nothing against you but I don't like anyone coming over 7 days per week. Then I suggested she visit 4 days per week and my son can visit the other 3 days if they have to see each other 7 days per week. Well, she didn't like that and then started to cry and bad mouth me. But she finally agree to visit 4 days per week. Well it's now 6 months later. When my son and she got back from eating last night. I ask both of them if we can talk about the agreement we made 6 months ago because it's not working out. Because she was only missing 1 day per week not the 3 days we agreed too. Before I could say another word. She walked by me without looking at me or saying a word. Then she walked out the door while slamming it behind her. UPDATE: UPDATE:UPDATE:UPDATE: Its now been a week and she came over that following Monday. I was sitting on couch and by the time I could say "Hi" to her. She was almost was in my son's bedroom upstairs after running up the stairs. She didn't come over the next 2 days. Which its now Thursday. My son told me he was going there after work today too. She was allowed to come over Monday through Thursday but only came over Monday. My son been going over her house after he got home from work at 3:00pm . I think she so upset that wasnt allowed to come over 7 days per week that she decided not to come over at all. Very strange.. :(
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Don, you may want to put this in Parents Emeritus. That's for people with adult kids.

    BUT, I'm confused. Do they work? If they sleep at night and work all day, how is she there 10 hours, or even 8 hours? Is she there when he isn't? What does she do 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, at your house?

    At their ages, if they want to live together, they should just get their own place!
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  3. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    I'll move the thread to Parent Emeritus
  4. Don

    Don New Member

    Ok Thanks LIL.. someone already moved it for me. Son work Monday though Fridays. He get home from work at 2:00 pm. She work part time and get off 1:00 pm. At 2:05 pm Monday through Fridays she is over at my house. She would stay until 10:00 pm each night. But on Fridays, she will stay until 2:00 am or 3:00 am. Saturdays she would come over 12:00 pm and stay until 2:00 am or 3:00 am. Sundays she work 3:00 pm to 6:00 pm. So she comes over at 11:00 am before work and stay until 2:30 pm. After she get off at 6:00 pm. She comes back over at 6:30 pm and stay until 10:00 pm. Spend all her time in my son's bed room when she is here. She only comes out to get something to drink or eat.
  5. Don

    Don New Member

    Thanks.. next time I will put it in that correct area. And the check is in the mail for helping me move. :)
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Don. Welcome.

    I have only one piece of advice, it is your home so you get to make the rules. End of story.

    Is she paying rent? Is she buying food? Is she paying the electric bill, the gas bill, the WiFi bill, the TV bill? If not, then she is a GUEST and a guest is someone who visits occasionally, she doesn't live at your house. This young woman was at your house about 60 hours per week.

    Our home is generally our sanctuary. And, if we pay all of the bills it is simply OUR HOME. You get to have feelings and you get to insist on what you want.

    Is your son your roommate, is he paying any bills? Is he contributing to the household?

    At 24 and 21, if they want to be together 60 hours per week then they need to move into their own dwelling.

    I hope they give you the space you requested, however, it it slips back, do not permit it, stick with your guns each and every time she steps over your line. Boundaries are necessary and they need to be enforced, otherwise you word means nothing.

    If she's upset that she can't have her way and be at your house 7 days a week, well......too bad.....she's an adult and as an adult we have to recognize that we don't always get what we want and we don't get to act like a jerk when we don't. She needs to grow up.

    I hope you get your home back.
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  7. Don

    Don New Member

    Hi recoveringenable, and Thank you..
    No she doesn't pay for anything while she is here. And we dont charge the son rent living, or he help pay for anything. And he doesn't do any chores around the house or outside. The blame falls on the wife him not doing anything around the house. I dont know if they ever going to get a place of their own. You can bet money on me that i am going to stick to my guns this time. I am sticking with Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays for her not to visit. Very true she acted like a spoiled brat when told not to come over everyday. Thank you very much for your input..
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your son should man up and pay rent and do chores. I wouldn't let him live with me if at his age he did nothing and was not respectful to wife. You have your hands full. I am sorry. Both of them need to grow up and not act like spoiled teens. I assume son is able bodied.
  9. Don

    Don New Member

    Hello Somewhere...
    The way I worded it in my reply to Recoveringenable came out wrong.The son doesn't pay rent or help pay for anything because we never ask him too. We don't believe in charging rent to our only child. And we don't need his help on paying for anything. As for him not doing any chores, that was the wife doing. She spoiled him by doing everything for him around the house.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is just a guess, but I bet I know why they wanted to be at your house and not hers. They said her house was "boring". They spent all their time at your house in your son's bedroom. I bet her parents will not let them spend all of their time in her bedroom. Parents of girls often are not so fond of allowing the boyfriends to just hang out in the girl's bedroom, especially with the door closed. Parents of boys seem to be more open about this. Even when the "child" is an adult. Is it any wonder they wanted to be at your house for so much time?

    Who cares? It is still your house and they were making you uncomfortable. You made a reasonable request, and they refused to honor it. This is NOT your problem and if they don't want to be at your house, it isn't your problem.
  11. Don

    Don New Member

    Hello Susie,
    You maybe correct about the reason she want to come over everyday. What I have notice since I put my foot down and she isnt allowed over Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. She came over last Monday but didnt say a word to me. But didnt come over Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday on the other days she is allowed over. My son went over to her house on those days. Since they first started dating a year and 1 months ago. They can't go one day without seeing each other.
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I think at the very least your son should do chores. You might consider speaking with your wife about this.

    I wonder if there is something unusual about her house that she was trying to avoid.

    Some of my adult friends have noticed a certain odd behavior with Millenials. Almost everything “puts them out.”

    I think your request was VERY reasonable.

    No clue why she doesn’t seem to want to come over now or what might have caused her to now seem to come over less than she is even allowed (if I got that right). Weird.
  13. Don

    Don New Member

    Hello Nomad,
    That would be nice if he did do chores on his own without asking him. But if I ask him to do something, he will do it. I am not too concern with that anymore. Just concern about his girlfriend kept coming over 7 days per week and staying 8 hours each day. And she stay longer on weekends. I agree that millenials show odd behavior compare to when I was there age. I dont have a clue if something unusual about her house. Maybe she doesnt like her parents rules.. who knows.