Aspies and anxiety?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Dec 28, 2014.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Ok, I read they can have anxiety and have issues with peers esp as you all said. My daughter will make a promise and the next day when the time comes cancel it( well, even when it had to do with us on Christmas bahumbug) . So this girl is a lot like her but she has health issues and hasnt actually been around her in years. Is it anxiety that she doesnt want to go all sudden? But yet my daughter is willing to go to the store today but I wont take her if shes gonna break her promise to the girl. I may be wrong but the other times I caved. Now, I know shes special but she still needs to learn wright from wrong and about trying etc.

    As I said before my daughter doesnt care about going to the store with us or even walking isles away from us, she just wont talk to kids or adults. Huge crowds dont bother her - shes willing to still go get whatever she wants from the store no matter the wall to wall of people. I feel so bad for this girl whos been trying.. and shes trying to understand. Some say just force my daughter to go out once in a while anyways.. Most of the time I leave it be....Like 99% of the time. But she wants to curl up in her cave(( her room)) and only extremely rarely go out when she pleases which is extremely rare at this point. Its as if I should take a picture of her when she comes out to she my daughter longer then a second :( Still claims no depressions.. still having her looked at.... they dont think depression but anxiety still...

    Whats going on here?

    She started on the medications and refuses them now saying it didnt work to help her rest at night ( she always hated medications period) She is still in denial that anything is wrong with her and after her yelling at me etc and me getting upset I said " yes there is something wrong you need help with anxiety or whatever is going on like a pysc hospital or dr.. she yelled NO and I said then your lazy. Ok wrong on my part I know. But Im just ugghh!

    Adding to this about my son... now again, he just cant handle the word "no" one of his main triggers. Even is we say no with an explanation, no with a later time and why.. still doesn't work. When we dont say no and word around it not now, hey about this or that instead etc it still doesn't work!!!!! His his way or no way, still refuses any wrong he does, blames us even if he did something, demands,threatens, etc. He just cant and or wont handle anything but his way! Everything he gets he breaks on purpose or accident no matter the cost the same day or next!!! :O

    Ugghhh Bahumbug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can't remember how old your daughter is. When mine was on high school she became very depressed and also rarely came out of her room.

    One day I asked her to look at the signs of teenage depression on the computer. She day with me and read the symptoms and told me she was depressed. We were them able to stay getting her some help.

    She still has depression and a lot of anxiety but it is much better.

    As for your soon, my difficult child still is triggered by no or not getting his way. I wish I could offer some magic wand for it to stop. by the way, he used to break everything all of the time too, that is better now.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Anxiety in general can get severe enough to lead to "shut-down".
    Aspie's tend to cope by going into "shut-down" (or exploding... take your pick ;) )

    Not uncommon for Aspie's to have anxiety - they don't fit in a neurotypical world, never know when what they say or do will set off some landmine and destroy the situation or relationship. Everything produces anxiety.

    I'm going to side with your daughter on one point: It's not a matter of there being something "wrong with her". She is an Aspie. That means that she is WIRED differently. Not wrong, not fixable, just different. The more she is "forced" to be like neurotypical people, the more push-back you will get. She doesn't experience the world the way you do... and you can't experience it the way she does. And the more you try to force things... the higher the anxiety.

    medications don't always work. Sometimes they make things worse. therapist therapy doesn't always work either - and less often for Aspies because it's based on a neurotypical approach. A therapist who really understands Aspies can help. Force and negative reinforcement fail. Carrots work better than sticks. It's a big mind switch for anyone working with (or living with!) an Aspie.
  4. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    WipedOut, my daughter is 14 now and I mentioned depression and she once again denies it. Im still looking into it. Glad your son and daughter are doing better now.

    InsaneCdn, I understand what your saying but she promised to go, I didnt. She also wants to just stay in her room 24hrs a day wants us to build a mini kitchen and bathroom there. No, I wont do that. I most of the time dont force her except to go to school and like today trying to get her to go. She can stay up all night and chat on the computer to strangers who could be harmful and she wont understand what Im saying on that. I see your point and I try to give her time for new situations etc.. even then she can be really spur of the moment and Im not actually. Shes claiming she will be bored..

    Im sorry but Im taking her electronics away..besides she spends wayyy to much time on them. Plus shes getting into skype with complete strangers!!! Oh no way!!!

    Thank you both
  5. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    My daughter hates me and says if I was any type of mom I wouldnt let her go/make her ( couldnt understand completely with her screaming. She said I was just like grandpa that made her do piano or no private school. This is the first time I ever took her electronics away for not keeping a promise ... ( well refusal of school i did) The mom wont answer her phone her daughter and her will be in a few. Well there goes that friendship even w her mom because no one gets that unless they drag her she wont go :(

    I feel as if I did something wrong Im punished as are my kids ...
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Confused-my daughter told me she hated me a lot when she was a teenager. She told me I was a horrible mom for many things, including making her go to school and for making her see a therapist. One time she even told me she wished I hadn't adopted her.

    I know it hurts, a lot. However, deep in their hearts they don't mean it (even though it feels like they do).

    My difficult child still tells me that and it still hurts but I get out my rhino skin and keep moving on.

    Sending some gentle hugs your way. I hope you do something nice for yourself tonight.
  7. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Honestly I think you need to pull the mom aside and explain. If you tell her about the treatment for anxiety she will understand. One thing I find helps my anxiety child is to do things without planning. If I tell her in advance she drives me bonkers about it. You might be able to schedule a meet up with the friend and pack a bag in case things work out. Lunch at McDonalds at the same time is nothing more than lunch unless they initiate further plans.
  8. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    I don't SOUNDED like a great idea last week when I invited my inlaws over for today.

    until today actually got here and I was happily in pajamas, not in the mood to clean and essentially wanted to veg out.

    it happens to the best of us.

    anxiety can be extremely difficult to manage, if that's what it truly is. it often involves baby steps--like, if she'd go to the curb and get the mail out of your mailbox today it would be a successful day.

    if she's on the spectrum, she may need a lot more down time than you can imagine. and i'm not sure i'd totally discount her online world, provided you keep some safe parameters...its often the very social outlet that we insist they have in real life. many of them find a real sense of community around their interests--whether its a gaming site or an art group or whatever. they find like minded people who will talk ad nauseum about the details of minecraft or my little pony or whatever (and personally, don't look a gift horse in the mouth unless you feel like talking about it constantly)

    and lastly, she's 14. very many *typical* teens hole up in their room with their devices. its actually not all that weird.

    the difference between a typical teen and one with issues is how functional they are. a typical teen knows they have to go to school and just, well, goes. one will issues will find 1000 reasons why they cant/wont/are unable to do whatever and can physically respond. if she's not functioning in society and meeting reasonable expectations, there can be an issue (and this is hard to discern at her age--you'd be stupefied about how hygiene for a typical 14 year old is a pretty big issue still--they either primp for hours or go days without showering, so its a giant range).

    I would say I'd be concerned about her all night computer sessions. she may need a very firm boundary--at 10pm all electronics come out and you can read a book if you cant sleep, but that's it-you can have them back in the morning, or after school or whatever. but if that's what she'd doing-spectrum or not, she's not sleeping appropriately, and its certainly not helping her attitude/energy/anxiety. but make it an actual RULE and stick to it...not, its Christmas break and you can have them later---if she is aspie, she needs the rule 24/7/365.

    sorry you are still having such a rough time.
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  9. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Wiped Out,I know I heard the saying" When they tell you they hate you your doing a good job" because your their parent not their friend. It does hurt esp from her because shes really never been like that. My son Im kinda used to it because he been saying that a long time. Sorry your difficult child tells you that too.

    dstc_99, Its a good idea but then my daughter will be all" you planned her to be here and that will make her just as mad too I think. They tried to come on Sat and just go without prior plan but she said tomorrow. But I will try what you said overall might be easier.

    confuzzled, I didnt look at it that way. I know I can be that way too and its even worse for her. Maybe I havent fully accepted the fat she is aspie or something as to her doctors probables. I gave in and gave her computer and Ipad back and when I did.. she came out and ate..talked to the dogs ( not me shes mad at me) and went back in her room. My daughter has her list of excuses for school. One day she forgot her water bottle. Another she hadn't eaten breakfast although they serve breakfast and lunch and she had plenty of time to eat. Few days she was sick,( once she was)shes too tired, she was mad at her brother, her homework wasnt done, another she didnt want to go because we didnt have litle soda bottles for her to take.

    See thats the thing Im not here nights cuz Im caring for grandpa. This has made it all worse.. she wont come with me so she stays with my dad. But Im changing things believe me!!! Ill also take you up on the stick to rule all year plan. Im sorry all for my spelling and wording, sorry If I sound as If Im giving up at times Im not. Just need to concentrate on my kids and me and another person took that wrong cuz I didnt word it the way I told you all I just said I cant do it all anymore.. ok, my fault for wording.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs. Hang in there. You're doing a better job than you think you are, it's just... a much tougher job than most people out there realize.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Confused, y Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son is as much of a easy child as it ever gets...even moreso than most typical kids....but he spent huge chunks of time in his room. He is in his apartment after work except one day the weekend. He is VERY happy this way. Austics need and want to be alone. You can't make them enjoy people. They really, really need their much alone time. They also like electronics and, living on his own, he spends most of his not-at-work time with his electronics and to me that's ok. It's how he is wired. He's not going to hang at the mall to pick up girls or hit the movies with the guys. Not going to happen. I'm glad he's a good-natured young man with a good heart, a job, and a life he is content with.

    Now the "I hate you" doesn't go with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) necessarily cause us issues. My son is a big "I love you" guy. He has never ever said he hated me. So that, I'd think, would be a seperate issus. Many ASDers have co-morbid disorders, like mood disorders. Sonic just doesn't, but your daughter may.

    Tell ya one thing. Sonic can't stand to be a room full of people, whether it's to watch his sister play basketball (loud and crazy...he never did go) or try to be social at her graduation reception (again, he started panicking and had to leave).
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yup, very common Aspie trait, but... it isn't just Aspie, though. Dxes like anxiety and depression also cause that reaction.
    (and yes, if you're an Aspie with Anxiety disorder and/or depression, it's ... even harder to be social at all)
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    IC, I had severe panic disorder AND generalized anxiety disorder AND depression... the whole nine yards. For a period years I could not go to a crowded place because I was afraid of passing out and I'd have to be near a bathroom or an exit. That meant I missed things I loved, like baseball games and concerts. I didn't like wide open spaces either so forget the picnics or I'd have a panic attack and run and run until I found the parking lot and the car. I am not an Aspie, but I am also not neurologically typical.

    School gave me such horrible panic attacks that often I'd just walk out in high school and take the bus somewhere else. I wasn't trying to get out of school to get my parents into trouble. I just couldn't handle the explosion of panic inside of me. School was scary to me because if I panicked and started to scream, I'd be embarassed and there were no close exits to leave or not bathrooms near my classrooms and I would have had to ask permission first before going anyway. I was so nervous in school, I learned very little.

    A medication was needed to save me from becoming agoraphobic. Sonic at least is not particularly nervous or panicky in familiar situations. With me, it did not matter. If I felt trapped, I would start the symptoms and not be able to stop them.

    But, yes, panic disorder and anxiety, for any reason, can severely limit what you do.
  14. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thanks again everyone! Yeah shes really struggling to go to school even for the two hours but the thing with the school, once therapy starts... yes therapy!!!!!! Occupational Therapist (OT) therapy and such they still have to screen her to see if she qualifies and teachers said she will!!! So hopefully this month. She needs this school no matter. Besides theres absolutely no way no how math and English I can do she has to go. I mean a lot the kids are like her there .. One girl goes, dont know how she is to go, but she doesnt want to stay... so we will see. The whole school which isnt many is all for extremely intelligent( few there) all the rest our ADD/ADHD,Dyslexia,Autism/Asbergers,Anxieties...

    But daughter still cares less about the crowds, just as long as she doesnt have to talk to anyone shes good. Like at malls, walmarts as long as its not schools. Also, she hates or is fearful/uncomfortable with any type of medications, needles,any type of doctors/Dentists and haircuts. So Im confused?
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    All Aspies have their own fears.

    And it could be something else or Aspergers and something else. I still think she should see a neuropsychologist, not a neurologist. And I think it would be best to do it soon because of her age. By 18 she will lose her opportunity to get adult supports because, unless she is willing to go on her own for diagnosis as an adult, she will probably never be evaluated or diagnosed. I can't remember if she has already seen a neuropsychologist or bad (and having a senior moment!) ;)
  16. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thats true about heir own fears, we all do!

    She did see a neuropsychologist and he said probable aspie... doesnt see depression or anxiety yet. Hes saying the reason its probable is because she was suctioned out at birth causing a hematoma which did not leak in her brain according to the scans and such and could of caused issues. Now I read on here about drinking and i had some beer before I knew I was pregnant but not like a ton of it either. I forgot all about that until he asked cuz I havent drank since I found out I was pregnant with her but it was never like out of control. But if it wasn't that it was definitely asbergers but in actually the "new terms" dont call it asbergers anymore its something else( I forgot). But the problem is I need a yes or no in order to help her so she can receive the correct help, same as son which he said rule in/rule outs for him!! Of course for both kids he recommended the 504 I think,technical school instead of regular college,both has learning issues daughters new school says she is dyslexic.( Son needs anger management classes, mood stabilizing medications, he may end up on disability( violence related AND a whole other thread)

    But my sons neurologist says they will review the results from her school and neurospsych, send her for sleeping test and of course visits with her to see how she is, questionnaires and he can be for sure yes or no. We shall see. He is the one who has helped me with my son so... maybe!! If not, Im sure he can point me to someone else.

    Oh my Aunt says a regular psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose her?
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The best diagnostician is a neuropsychologist. A psychiatrist often is not that "up" on Aspergers because it's not mental illness. It's a neurological difference. Unfortunately, neurologists are more into looking for epilepsy than studying about Aspergers. It's a mess, I agree.

    Not all psychologists know about Aspergers either. A neuropsychologist IS a psychologist with extra training in the brain so he already went to one. Her too. If you felt the neuropsychologist did not do good enough testing, I'd go to a different one. My son was tested ten hours in all. Most test 6-10 hours. A quick test from a neuropsychologist CAN mean that it isn't a thorough testing.

    Your story is bringing back all the garbage we had to go through to get my son diagnosed. It's no picnic, is it?

    Man, you've had a hard time! I'm so sorry.
  18. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Yes so true!Their testing was under 5 hrs each, he said if he thought they needed more hours he would of had them come back. No, its still a struggle I been on this forum since My son was under 4 I think? Yikes!!!!

    Im sorry for everything you been through too, its not easy hugs!
  19. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Oh - her school also says aspie as does her old pre-k teacher, and although they cant officially diagnose it, its a "backup of relief in a way?" More and more people agree even without me saying someone else though. Like a mom/ scout lady she said she met my daughter and shes just like her son..exactly like her son.. an aspie!! So, to bad they arent qualified to diagnose! You all said it too! Or similar of aspie issues.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You need the professional to say it. Nobody else matters.

    See if you can call the neuropsychologist to ask him if he'll help you get services and if he'll drop the "probable." What a pain!