Assisted living places - I want one!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Oct 17, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    H and I went and toured three assisted living places for mother in law this weekend. From the over the top expensive to the middle of the road, meh, passable.

    The over the top expensive place had beautiful apts and cottages for independent living. Their assisted living quarters were similar to an institution atmosphere and I really didn't like them, especially given the costs involved. They had three options on their fee schedule. The first is the declining buy in, in which you put $179,000 and you slowly pay that down along with a monthly rental fee of around $3000. That buy in fee would come into play when more services are needed (but the monthly fee will also increase - I don't know, it sounded screwy to me). They also had an option of putting down $234,000 and called that a 50% buy in, wherein 50% of those fund are held in escrow and upon death, that money goes back to the estate. But that's a large chunk of change to come up with, especially since I think mother in law will end up in assisted living sooner than later. Oh and it was only 30 meals a month included in that. So we'd still have the concern about mother in law cooking and leaving burners on.

    The next one was AWESOME. It is a rental month to month, very clean, private apts, with 3 HOT meals a day plus all day coffee, tea and snacks, a daily 2:30 ice cream social and a twice weekly happy hour (mother in law doesn't drink, though I might stop by for a drink!), linen service weekly, etc. OMG, I want to move into this place, it's so great and beautiful! The cost is $4500/month plus cable/internet and any personal expenses she may have, which really is only her hair and some rx copays. The floor plan was a rectangle - there is no way to get lost in this place and the main entrance is the hub, very busy and always a lot going on. Workers even stopped us on our tour to introduce themselves to us and tell us how great the place is, along with how long they've been there. The food looked and smelled great. I think this one is the winner. And, they gave us a PIE when we left! A beautiful, delicious apple walnut pie that was baked on the premises!!! Who does that??

    The last place was OKAY. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great. It was also clean, had several one bedroom floorplans, private, and had two hots meals a day and all the other stuff. The problem was that it was a bit run down looking and the layouts of the floors were a bit confusing. I can see mother in law becoming disoriented and isolated. I just wasn't feeling it at all from the get go. It was more affordable, but it's also a bit far from our house. If mother in law HAS to come to CT, we want someplace closeby.

    H won't tell her she's not living with us on the phone - he's planning to fly down to FL either this weekend or next to speak with her in person. I offered to go, but H said no, so I am hoping he doesn't cave - she can be a very good martyr and manipulator, especially with H. And he's also thinking that he and his siblings may need to kick in a couple of hundred dollars a month so mother in law's entire income isn't eaten up by rent. Of course, what she will need money for I don't know - everything is included. She realistically can tweek her annuity fund accounts to pay out more per month so she can meet her needs. H thinks she needs $6000 a month! Really? Over the $4500 for her rent which includes everything including utilities and meals, her hair care and rx will cost an additional $1500??? Hmmm. I wish I had that monthly stipend. Anyway...

    I spoke with brother in law this morning to fill him in on the places and he said a few things that caused me to have an anxiety attack. I've had them so rarely these past couple of years, it took me a bit to figure out what was going on. I had to take a zanax, which is something I would never do during the day, but I was really scared. I'm still feeling the chest pain and it's difficult to get a full breath, but I am trying to practice some breathing exercises. I went outside for a short walk at lunch and keep stretching. I just hoping to get through the afternoon, almost over. I want to go home and get into bed. I hate this feeling on my chest.

    brother in law believes that mother in law will use her ownership of our home (once probate is complete) to wheedle her way into living with us. And brother in law feels that H will be hoodwinked by mother in law if no one goes with him to FL to speak with mom. brother in law offered to go, but H will definitely tell him NO. I wish sister in law could go, because she'd be a great support. But, alas, she won't.

    Anyway, I'm just counting the minutes till I can leave work and go home, although H is there before me today! Maybe he will go for a bike ride.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like a wonderful facility but hope brother in law isnt right. Can you afford that facility if brother in law is right? LOL.

    Im sitting here in NMB thinking that I could really go for living in an assisted living facility if it was similar to this condo. Only bad thing about this one is there isnt a bedroom on the first floor. If I could find a small 1 bedroom condo I would love it! Unfortunately, I couldnt afford it.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Have you tried just plain old sr. living? I dont know if many places have what we have here but my mom lives in a nice normal apartment, just what Janet is looking for! So cute and only 30% of her income in rent. Some of the folks have a I'm ok sign to hang on their door if they are more fragile and support can be arranged to come there. We have lots of senior housing like mom signed up and was in within 4 months. They have a dining room and so everyone can get one meal (lunch) and they pay like 2 dollars IF they can afford it. If not they can still sign up and eat. My mom works for the food program so she actually cooks and serves a couple of times a week. I dont know her level of functioning so maybe that would not work, but would work for you. Come on, move to MN if it is not in your area! haha...I am sure the cold would not make you stiff and sore like all the rest of us!
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    We have a senior apartment complex at the end of our street. D (who lives in our garage) visits his father several times a day. They have the clubhouse in the middle of the complex, a veggie garden for those who want to grow things, horseshoes, and they're close enough to downtown and the grocery that they can walk if they choose. There's also a van to take them where they need to go if they no longer drive.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It has become apparent that mother in law cannot live on her own in an apt complex. There are indications that she will go downhill mentally over the course of the next year. Also, her diabetes is fairly severe and if her memory begins to fail she will need medication assistance.

    The beauty of this level of assisted living is that as she requires more care, we won't have to physically move her-she will be there and they will provide services in the privacy of her own apt. If she needs skilled nursing or Alzheimer's care, they have an Alzheimer's unit on the same premises.

    I told H about my anxiety and he became annoyed. Like I'm supposed to not be anxious or stressed, only he's allowed. Jeez.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That sounds very much like what my grandma just lived in (after her sr. living..she had a really cute one in OHIO with in home care...she had her own porch and everything, heck I'd like that place.) But last year she moved to assisted living and it was tricky at first but she made friends and loved the talks with some of the staff there. Then, when she got very ill and had trouble cognitively, she just was able to move to another wing. That was when she was actually ready to go though...the assisted living was the main part even when mildly ill. I hope it works out for you all.

    Re: your hubby being upset that you are anxious....I wonder if you are going to be the whipping post for a while???....Not just all the house stuff, but he is going to SEE up close and personal that his mom is really getting old and of course it is never easy to prepare for the end. Even in the best of circumstances that can make people scared, crabby and fight. I hope once she is there, he will follow thru and she will accept that it is just not a good situation for her to live with you. I am sorry this is so hard. You are doing the best thing for your family.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would have said that before I watched "Dexter" last night, but now - not so much. ;) Actually, most anything on "Dexter" can make me change my mind, but I can't look away!
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    Sounds like a wonderful place. I had assisted living facility "envy" when I moved my mother in law into her place. It's right on the riverfront and she was on the 10th floor. Directly across the river was the space center where they launch the shuttles. :sigh:

    Anyway, I truly hope that brother in law is NOT right, but I will admit my mind wandered to the same thoughts. The house is not yours until she signs on the dotted line. In a twisted way it might be better if she declines before she signs/moves. Sounds like brother in law and sister in law would make sure you and husband got the house that is rightfully yours.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Keista! My mother in law lives right near the cape canaveral! Wow, small world.

    I hope that when push comes to shove, sister in law and brother in law stand up. I think sister in law is a little nervous mother in law may end up near her in CA, lol.
  10. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Jo, the A L place my mother was in back in Ohio was I want to say 2,300 a month - she was allowed to have some of her own furniture in her "apartment", and that included 3 meals a day, nurses who would come in and check her BiPolar (BP) and give her medications and there was a doctor on staff who would check in on the tenants. Hair and laundry were separate charges. When she ran out of money, they would take her 1,550 check and give her an allowance. There was always "field trips" they could go on, local mall, casino, out to a nice place for lunch. It was owned by a lutherine organization. I think my aunt had checked about 15 places before they settled on the one she was in. They also had different "wings" depending on how much assistance she would need.

    Those ones you mentioned that you have to put down over a hundred grand seems weird to me as well.

  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    We did a lot of singing at AL places in my choir. They seemed lovely.
  12. keista

    keista New Member

    Really? You want me to join husband and your mother in law as an "impartial third party"? LOL
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh wow, if only!
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    My maternal grandparents lived in a place in NM, before their deaths. This place had 3 different levels, one was independent apartments... The second, where my Grandparents were, was more like a hotel; and the third was the "typical" nursing home only really nice. They lived in the hotel-like part. They did have a small stove, but it didn't get used except for tea. They got 3 meals a day, outings, nurses checked on them... We loved it. It was about $3000 a month which seems like a lot but... They got their own furniture, too. 2 bedrooms, was actually about 1000 SF. When Grandpa got really sick, they moved him into the nursing part (he was there not-quite 1 day before he passed, they brought him from the hospital because he was in a coma and they did not know how long he would live) - but never charged extra for that day. Then, when Grandma was going downhill 21 months later, they helped move her to Hospice, the mgr was super nice. (Gma was only there 1 day... Hmm.)

    After Grandma passed, the place gave us 2 months rent free to have the apt so we could get movers in, etc. They also held the memorial there, no charge.

    Someday, I will want to live in a place like that...