At a Loss

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by H Lorraine, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. H Lorraine

    H Lorraine New Member

    I am a 43 newly divorced Mom of a 22 yr old step son that stayed close to me but lives on his own. My son who is 19, my baby I was not supposed to have. So very thankful, I love him with all my heart. The thing is - he is disrespectful, barely has a job, I allowed his girlfriend to move in as she had no where to go. I was able to purchase a new car and he was taking over payments of my old car. Totaled it right after he made the one payment. Since then he has not held a steady job, I took off to help his girlfriend get all her I.D. SS card, Birth Cert because her Mom burned it... We found a great SUV payments were great $200 but he has not made one payment. I have wiped out my savings. I am completely tapped out. girlfriend has paid me a total of $550 I went and got her a phone on our plan. I came home yesterday to find her and a friend was drinking my alcohol I had in the freezer. I called my son and told them that this was disrespectful and illegal and I would not appreciate them having friends over and drinking whether it was one incident or not. They both became very irate and stated that they were paying rent and that it was fine what they did there was nothing wrong with it they were adults. So I came home to find a big huge blunt in my home this afternoon and now my son and girlfriend have packed up and left. I took the car and put a for sale sign on it but he has completely trashed it out. I have no clue what to do
     
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You understand that your son needs to experience the real world and you don't let him come back home when life is hard. You make him and his girlfriend stay out in the cold hard world. You don't bail him out when the cops arrest him. If you find him drunk or stoned again, you call a cop to arrest him. You give him the real world so his adult tushie can deal with it like the adult he is. You don't baby him or bail him out or give him ANYTHING. You cancel his and his girlfriend's phones or just turn them off if that is cheaper for you because they are not paying for them. You certainly don't pay for them. You don't pay for ANYTHING for him.

    After all, isn't he an ADULT? If he is an adult, he pays his own way. You clean out that car and you sell it for as much as you can get. If he left anything, a game system, a tv, anything, in your home, you sell it. He moved out and left stuff behind. Wait 30 days and say NOTHING to him about it. Then sell it FAST. I would use craigslist or something similar. Things go fast there. When he asks about it, tell him you don't know, you thought he took it with him. You don't have any of his things left, he took them all and you cleaned out anything he left behind after 30 days. He was just a tenant after all. He was an ADULT, wasn't he? Wasn't his girlfriend?

    Don't cry, don't yell, just be calm and cool. No emotion when you say these things. Maybe he lost them when he moved. Don't let him in to look around. He doesn't need to be in yoru home. He will get mad and throw a fit. You and I both know he is NOT an adult, he is a spoiled baby. He will be furious that you had hte nerve to get rid of his stuff. And that you won't let him come back home. He will be irate that you cut off his phone and he has to pay bills somewhere, that his money can't all go to pot and fun stuff. But that is part of being an adult. Life is tough. Time he learned that. After all, he wants to be an adult.

    You are doing him the best thing you can by teaching him this lesson. He won't thank you now, but he will later if he has any sense. You are making him grow up, rather than keeping him a little kid. Sure it is fun to be a kid, but he was on the road to addiction and jail or prison. He could still go there, but you are doing all you can to stop it. I know it is hard, but it is what you can do. He was also a total user. That needed to stop. No one likes a user. You need to stop being a doormat for him. Loving him doesn't mean being a doormat for him. He won't ever respect that.

    Standing up will make him respect you and love you more. Trust me, I know. I had to stand up and move my son out of our home while he was a young teen, to stop him hurting his sibling, seriously harming them. He hated me for several years. That was okay. He is an adult now and we have a great relationship. He has a great relationship with his siblings also. You have to be tough with him now, so that he can grow up and come back to you as a man. A man that you can respect and love. It will hurt now, probably a lot. Don't let him see you cry. Cry in private. But then when he comes back you can rejoice with him. It will take time. But it will be well worth it.
     
  3. H Lorraine

    H Lorraine New Member

     
  4. H Lorraine

    H Lorraine New Member

    Thank you, it is so hard when you raise them and give them guidance and what is right and wrong and they completely don't see what it is like.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know it can be hard. I hope I didn't seem to blunt. I can come off that way. I know you may not be ready for all of that. Take whatever steps toward that which you are ready for. It is a big leap. We will support you as you travel toward that. You don't have to make it all in one big step. It probably sounded like you did, but life isn't that black and white. I looked over what I read and realized it sounded like you had to go and do all of that right away. It might be great if you did, but you may not be ready to do all of that. If you are not ready, you are not ready. You can only do what you can do.

    There is an article on detachment on the Parent Emeritus forum that you should read. It is super helpful. Many of us read it over and over. It is a process, and a journey. It isn't one giant leap into an abyss.

    Only take the steps you are ready for and can be consistent with. It is far worse to take giant step and then slide back than to take a smaller step that you can maintain. FAR, FAR worse. For both you and for your son.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You seem to be a kindhearted person who can be easily taken advantage of. Girlfriend had no business ever being in your house and you in my opinion should not have paid for her phone or ever alliwed her to live with you.

    I would have started eviction proceedings against both son and girlfriend long before their party in your house. I guess I am not as nice.

    Your son is running the show in YOUR home and disrespecting you as well. That is backwards. Your house/your rules. If they are adults, let them prove it by showing them the door.

    None of us should ever go broke because we are supporting a defiant able-bodied adult child let alone ungrateful girlfriend too. This enabling is horrible for our well being and not good for our adult kids either. You deserve to keep your hard earned money and he needs to earn his own money.

    You matter. You are a kind important person who deserves peace in her own home. I hope you can do what needs to happen.
     
  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is a dizzying reality. We are all there with you. Take steps to learn how to take care of you.

    It takes a lot of courage to love your child unconditionally. And as your love is unconditional your expectations an boundaries are not.

    Think of it this way. If you had a guest or a tenant in your home not related to you. Would you take he same behavior from them. If the answer is no then it is certainty Hell No from family.

    Let us know how you are making out.