At my wits end with my 24 year old son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by wcrafton75, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member

    Where do I even begin to start. My son is 24 years old and has been living on the streets since he was 18. We kicked him out of our home because he was using drugs and was defiantly disobeying us. He got a girl pregnant and is not part of the child’s life. He’s very manipulating and lies all the time. He cannot hold a job or a place to stay. He calls me all the time can you help me mom I used to but now I just say no. Even though my heart hurts because I hate to see him go through this and I wish the light bulb would click with him. This causes issues with my marriage. Any advice would be helpful.
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Have you and your spouse been to counseling? These situations put a huge strain on a marriage.

    He's been homeless six years now. Has he talked with a social worker? Our city offers a lot of services for the homeless. A social worker will team up with a person and connect them with various services such as job training, mental Healthcare, etc. But, only if the person requests. Most cities don't have as much to offer the homeless, but the problem here has gotten so bad, forcing the City to put these people into nice apartments and give them social services if they want it. Many of them don't take advantage of these services, not even the many free food trucks that go by all day. Is your son resistant to these services or is he not a city that offers them?
     
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Welcome- I'm sorry you're going through this. Everyone here understands the pain, anger, frustration, sadness, etc. you are experiencing. First things first- you need to learn about detachment and enabling. In a nutshell enabling is doing something for a capable adult that they can do for themselves. Detachment is allowing someone else to live their life, make their own choices (good or bad) and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards on their own. You can love your son while minding your own business and letting him deal with his life choices. Loving detachment for me is when my daughter calls and starts railing on about some problem she has likely created for herself. Instead of getting upset, yelling at her about her poor choices, giving advice, money or any kind of help I just say, "You're a smart woman. You'll figure it out." and leave it at that. It sounds so easy, but it's really hard to put into practice and to maintain. You also need to learn about healthy boundaries, then set and enforce them with your son. Be prepared- he will likely up the ante in any number of ways when you set boundaries and enforce them. But if you stick to it he will get it and eventually give up. I know this all sound easy, yet impossible to do with your own child. I understand completely but believe me, if I can do it decently well then anyone can. Mostly you need to learn to turn your focus onto yourself to maintain and/or improve your health and happiness. Start small- take yourself to a movie or buy yourself something, take a class, take a walk. Do nice things for yourself. I've found the more I do them the more I enjoy caring for myself. You deserve happiness, good health and a stable financial future. Risking those things to try and "fix" your son won't work. If your love and concern could've changed him, it would have by now. Glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Sending peace to you.
     
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  4. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member

    He is in a city that does not offer a lot of services. He is trying to seek mental health treatment
     
  5. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Huggs sent your way. It is so tough. I have found that my hubby. Who is my difficult son's dad is my best support.
    He has gone through all the stages over our son..
    denial, anger, grief,not he is at disappointment and annoyance.
    I am still on grief and fast tracking to annoyance now.

    Good luck.
     
  6. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member


    Thank you there is many nights I’ve cried over this. It will be weeks when I will here from him during that time I seem to be doing well but then the moment I hear from him I’m back to square one. When asks for money I say I don’t have it you need to find job etc etc whatever the problem maybe. I’m glad I found this group.
     
  7. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member


    It makes it hard for my husband as my son is his stepson. He has a zero tolerance for my son or people that act like he does. Which in turn puts me in a difficult place.
     
  8. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member

    We have not been to counseling he refuses to go but I have been in the past. My son is in a area where there isn’t a lot of help for the homeless
     
  9. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I will add one more thing- there were many times, especially at the beginning of all the turmoil with my daughter, that I turned my phones off so she couldn't contact me. I had to be able to maintain my peace of mind before I could deal with her in a rational way.
     
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  10. 2TiredMom

    2TiredMom New Member

    My son is 24 and my husband is his stepfather. I understand it makes the situation even harder. My son is still in the house but only because he is holding a job and we have limited contact. It must be so difficult for you. Hugs to you.
     
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  11. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member



    It’s very difficult for me.
     
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hello, and welcome. I am so sorry it's so hard. All of us have been there. You are in the right place. You will find here support, understanding, and good counself. Posting offers a way to see in black and white what you are feeling, and what YOU need.

    A suggestion: If this is your real name it is advisable that you change it to something that will protect your anonymity and that of your family.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2019
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son is homeless too. He has been homeless on and off for the last 7 or 8 years. Some of the time he found people who took care of him. Some of the time he has been here. He is 30 now. In the time he's been gone he's got himself on SSI and a serious marijuana habit.

    It is very, very hard. But we have no good choices. These adults impose their moods and their tempers and their hostility on us, along with their drug habits, and how can we continue to live this way? They have to learn that there are consequences to everything. If you behave badly, people don't extend a hand, and they don't want to be around you. How can we take away this learning? Should we?
     
  14. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member


    I can’t change my username
     
  15. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member

    Your absolutely right my husband says this all the time
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Yes you can. Look up to the top dark blue black bar on the right and you will see your name. Click on that. Your name will come up again. Click that. To the right you will see: username change.

    The other way you can do it, is to send a private message through the inbox above (just left of alerts) to RunnawayBunny. She is the site administrator. She is very helpful. Just ask her to do it, and give her a new name and she will make the change.
     
  17. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member


    It tells me I’m not authorized to change my username
     
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Runnawaybunny can do it if you pm her in inbox.
     
  19. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member

    Got it thank you
     
  20. FuschiaHyacinthus44

    FuschiaHyacinthus44 New Member

    Update my son checked himself into a local facility for mental evaluation. They have started him on new medications . Praying that this might open his eyes to what his behaviors is doing to those around him. :smile:
     
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