At wits end and exhausted

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by CrystalG, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. CrystalG

    CrystalG New Member

    My name is Crystal and am in a LTR with a great guy. We both have two kids, so four total. His youngest (11yo) has made it where neither of us want to go home at the end of the day. We have recently found out that he has stolen my oldest daughters scooter from the garage and taking it to school (we live about a mile and half from his school with having to cross a very major roadway). We dont want him in our house anymore as we fear the things he could do. He is not above hurting someone. he has crazy outbursts. He has blown up at his teachers, walked out of class, intentionally missed the bus, thrown away missing assignments or assignments he doesnt want to do. he is very manipulative. we have a camera system in our house as he is home for about an hour alone before one of the other children gets home from school. We dont know what to do. Any advice?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Welll, obviously this child NEEDS a professional/psychiatrist or my favorite, a neuropsychologist to diagnose and treat him. That's obvious.

    Has he been evaluated? If not, why not? I definitely think you should and also see a neuropsychologist as the First go-to professional for extreme testing.

    Did this child have very chaotic early years? Many different caregivers? Breaks in caregivers? Early trauma and/or abuse? The first things that come to my mind are attachment disorder, which happens when there is chaos galore in a child's early life (infancy to 3) when the brain is developing so fast. Also perhaps he is heading toward Conduct Disorder, which is serious and a blatnat disregard for the rights of others, even hurting them, cruelty to animals, love of fire, and peeing/pooping inappropriately in some kids. Either way, he is fighting societal norms on every level and it needs to be addressed by more than you and your boyfriend before it spirals out of control. These kids do not respond to discipline...they just amp up their tantrums and behaviors. They have no remorse if they hurt others. Attachment disorder kids act a lot like CD kids. No remorse. No rules. No being able to discipline them. They don't care.

    Where is Mom? Do you have primary custody? Any substance abuse by Mom during her pregnancies? Any abusive boyfriends? Was your boyfriend always in his life?

    This behavior can lead to Antisocial Personality Disorder if it isn't helped early on. He is already eleven.

    Good luck!!!!
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2014
  3. CrystalG

    CrystalG New Member

    I have only been in his life about a year and a half. His dad was military and from what i understand the mom was not much of a mom. I do know that he was seeing a psychologist but he tells people what they want to hear. The school did an evaluation on him as his performance was bad. He was failing classes, not doing his work but instead would wander the class or read a book.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thank your husband for his service to our country.

    Having said that, he unfortunately had to be elsewehre when his kids were young and, as you said, Mom was/is pretty useless. I would take it to a professional. I would definitely not trust the school district to do any psychological testing. They tend to miss the issues and don't exactly have the best and brightest as their psychologists.Don't take him to a talk therapist. Take him to a neuropsychologist. They do intensive testing so that it is impossible for the child to fool him. He can put down incorrect answers on the test, but the tests are geared to show deception. These antisocial type children are very "good" in the acting department and make us look like liars. Been there/done that!

    Try to get dad to do the disciplining. You really can't deal with this kid, especially if he may hurt you. He isn't that used to you yet and you should never put yourself or your children or any pets in harm's way. If your son sees a professional, he may be able to get 24/7 help in a residential treatment center. That way your other kids are protected from him and he supposedly will get help way beyond anything he could get at home. But look around. Some treatment centers are horrible and some are good. There are schools for disturbed children too.

    Don't think you can do this alone. It's too serious.

    Hugs to you. Keep us updated. We care.
  5. CrystalG

    CrystalG New Member

    I actually do a lot of the disciplining. Which doesn't help my stress level any. I'm not worried about him hurting me. It's more of the smaller kids and possibly the animals. I see myself as a very grounded and fair person, as all the kids get treated the same. But difficult child sees it as he is being picked on. But he is constantly doing wrong. And it's a viscous circle of events. He does the same 4 or 5 things and recently they have escalated to stealing larger items.
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    If dad is of the military, how come he is not the one disciplining? Just curious. I honestly think in this case, how can a step mother who has only been in ss life for 1 year and a half, do the disciplining?
  7. CrystalG

    CrystalG New Member

    I am military as well. I'm no really sure what that has to do with anything tho. difficult child is defiant to everyone; teachers, parents, babysitters when we have had to use them.
  8. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello, Crystal. I am a little bemused. You say the "school suggested ADHD/ODD". Has he not been evaluated/diagnosed? If not, why not - it is a little hard to understand. Sounds like he needs help, and you need help with him.
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    (hands up)... I was only trying to offer different suggestions since you insulated it causes you a great deal of stress, the discipline part. I was going to suggest to talk to your hubby about this:

    Natural parent should be doing the majority of the disciplining, as to alleviate your stress.

    Just trying to come up with ideas to help.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Back to the original issue.

    I would definitely get him evaluated. Seems like your boyfriend agrees that son is too dangerous to live at home. This needs to be addressed before one of the children or pets get hurt. There are options...foster care, residential treatment. I would, in the meantime, put an alarm on his door so that he can't get out of his room at night and maybe harm the other kids. We had to do this when we adopted one child (he is no longer with us due to the danger).

    I would also tell your other children to lock their doors at night and if you have a pet have the pet stay in one of the children's rooms at night.Also lock up all your knives and sharp objects and if you own firearms, make sure they are SECURELY locked up. This is not a kid who should learn to shoot, even for hunting. It's a very hard situation when a child is dangerous. I sadly know first hand. He did hurt the younger children and the pets and we thought he was really a nice kid as he put on a "good" face to all adults. Even his psychiatrist was fooled, kind of a scary thing. Does he ever act sexual around your daughters or anyone? This child we adopted was a sexual predator, but we didn't know it. The little guys didn't tell us as they were terrified of him. He threatened to burn our house down with all of us in it if they told and they were so young...they believed him and kept quiet. Yes, I feel stupid. And guilty. Thalnkfully the county sent us tons of help and it saved our family.

    Never let him play alone, out of your sight, with your two younger girls. Never. You don't know what he is capable of. Be very careful.

    Since he never even talked about girls, we thought he was sort of asexual. That's why he is now gone. He abused the younger two kids and THAT is something kids who are impulsive with no conscience can do. It's not worth it.

    If he does something to another of your children call CPS and ask for their help. It is just logical that a dangerous child not be living in a family setting with other minors. And, sadly, there are children who are actually as dangerous as adults. Some, like the boy we adopted, get more dangerous as they get bigger and stronger, even with help. But he definitely needs help. His behavior is not normal and over-the-top dangerous to the rest of you.

    Last edited: Oct 8, 2014
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    To Malika: In the US, school educators "suggest" diagnoses of our kids all the time. Of course, they think that because they are around kids all the time, they know. Once I said to a teacher, "You have your medical degree?" She started to stammer and I cut her off. "When you do, tell me what you think is wrong with my child. You are an educator. Stick to that and we'll let the medial people diagnose our child." I was red in the face from anger and she was red in the face too...not sure why.

    This happens all the time and is very annoying.
  12. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Whoa, hold your horses there, MWM! You have galloped ahead to a very drastic scenario, one identical to what you lived with your adopted son. But, in fact, this is what the poster said:

    he has stolen my oldest daughters scooter from the garage and taking it to school (we live about a mile and half from his school with having to cross a very major roadway). We dont want him in our house anymore as we fear the things he could do. He is not above hurting someone. he has crazy outbursts. He has blown up at his teachers, walked out of class, intentionally missed the bus, thrown away missing assignments or assignments he doesnt want to do. he is very manipulative.

    Read more:

    That's all. You cannot extrapolate the level of disorder you experienced from this.
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Malika, if that's all there was to it, I wouldn't have said it. But she is saying she and her boyfriend are both afraid of what he might do, which makes me think more than what she posted is going on. There is no reason to fear a child who steals a scooter or throws away homework, agreed. But she is worried he will hurt somebody. There has to be a reason why.Why is there a camera system in her house? That is usually to be able to see what a child does when we aren't there and normally you don't get one just because a kid throws away homework.

    Poster says: "
    We dont want him in our house anymore as we fear the things he could do. He is not above hurting someone. he has crazy outbursts. "

    Of course, if my post did not pertain to her situation, she is able to take somebody else's advice. But again I am assuming she didn't write everything down and she has two young girls. And I never think it's good to take anything for granted with a child who seems to not care about consequences, lies, and is potentially dangerous. Better to be safe than sorry. We'll see if poster shares more...if not, well, she's has advice from several people.
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2014
  14. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I see what you're saying. But the point is, the original poster is already sounding extremely disenchanted with this boy. Were she to take your words to heart and start locking doors, keeping her other children away, really ostracising the boy from the family, it could have, I imagine, a very alienating and destructive effect on him - when he is already alienated and destructive.

    As I am sure you will agree, neither I nor you actually know what the real issues are here or what is truly going on. The family should be getting more help, that is clear, from people on the ground.
  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Malika, it is more important to protect the other children, hon. That's not ostracizing him. That's keeping a good eye on him because, as she has said, he could hurt somebody and the two little girls are much younger than him. Sometimes you have no other choice than to do these things. She is smart, I'm sure, and will know what to do. The younger children MUST be protected from an older child who acts out physically. There is just no choice other than to wait for a disaster to happen.
  16. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well... I think we're not going to see eye to eye on this. To a large degree, people become what you expect them to become. Start locking doors and making it clear that you think an 11 year old boy is going to sexually assault little girls, and he may prove you right.

    The kid needs real help. Maybe it does involve residential care, what do I know? But even there I would not take what people say at face value. A psychologist who worked with J for a year, on and off, has long told me she thinks he should go into residential care for irredeembly problem kids, at the age of 7. I just don't agree. She's the "specialist" but I do not agree.
  17. CrystalG

    CrystalG New Member

    Its just nonstop with all the kids plus work and all. There is just nothing that is effective with difficult child.
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Malika, no. You expected J. to be a well behaved boy who liked school before you got him, but he couldn't do it. I expected 36 to be a sweet little boy who was kind to all and he never was. Trust me, he was treated as a good boy and very special, but he started hurting people very early in his life. There are many "bad" people in my family tree...unfortunately, lots of genetics working against my son.

    Malika, nothing you can do to a child will make him sexually abuse another child unless he is prone to it, unless you sexually abuse him. Only sexual abuse of a child can cause a child to sexually abuse too. Not an alarm on a bedroom door. Nobody knows what happened at mom's house or maybe with one of her boyfriends and the child himself may have forgotten if he was traumatized.

    Also, You don't tell him, "I'm afraid you may molest my girls." There are other ways to hurt them too. Hitting them is hurting them. With a much bigger kid, he could break something. They should not have to be afraid in their own house just to show an untrustworthy child that you trust him. He needs to earn trust.

    You say about the alarm, "You need to stay in your room at night unless you need the bathroom, then call me and I'll take you, etc." "But why??" "You hurt, Susie, and I want to make sure both of you are safe. I don't want you to maybe feel like hitting Susie while she sleeps and I want to protect you from doing it because I love you. So we have an alarm now."

    A lot of us is inborn, and that goes for our children. Genetics is strong and having chaos in the early years is why so many adopted kids have attachment disorders. But you don't have to be adopted to have it. This poor boy had both, however, it doesn't matter why. The other kids HAVE TO BE SAFE, even at this child's expense. And who says it's at his expense? Many, many very out-of-control kids thrive on structure and being watched carefully. They want to be reigned in.

    If this family feels this boy should not be there, they are scared. And if they have a reason to be scared, they need to protect the others until they can find a place for this boy.

    This boy is not 7. He is 11 and could be tall and strong already. Anyhow, I think you are personalizing this. It has nothing to do with your situation as you have no other children and J. is not violent to others or dangerous.

    You only have one child. If you had a baby to worry about and J. was beating up on the baby, you would have to protect the baby, even if it made J. feel bad. Worse, if J. had an 11 year old sibling who scared him, it might be different to you. It is way different to deal with an only child than many.

    Anyhow, that's my two cents! :) !Peace! :)
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2014
  19. CrystalG

    CrystalG New Member

    There are things that have happened that couldn't be explained as there was a lot of he said she said. We got the cameras to eliminate a lot of that and it has helped some, but now he just don't care about the cameras. He has been "rough" with my girls and things have happened. He bent my oldest girls finger backwards because she was going to call me after school about something he did and he was trying to get the phone. He is very jealous of my youngest, which is 4. He will push his way between his dad and the LO.
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Crystal and welcome to our little corner of the world. As you can see we often have differing opinions, take what you can and don't worry about the rest.

    Definitely I would start with having him evaluated by a multi-disciplinary team (a child therapist, a child psychiatrist, and a neuro-psychologist). These three together can give you a pretty good idea of what is going on with your child.

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this right now. Sending some welcoming hugs your way.