Back from a short hiatus and a trip back into insanity (my own fault)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mcdonna, Feb 2, 2018.

  1. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    Wow! It just seems like yesterday that I last did an update (before our trip in August). Major changes - some for the good and some for the really bad. Glad to be back here and getting to see where all of you are at.

    Just to refresh, daughter was being deported on a 38 hour flight back to Canada (via Kuala Lumpur and China) and her final destination is the city where she was living before she started this "adventure" 3 years ago (about 800 miles from us) and where "Mr. Finance Man" lives. She was going to stay with him. I suspected that her 11 hour layover in Kuala Lumpur would be a failure and I was correct - she jumped "ship" there and never came back to Canada. In fact, she is still there now.

    My husband and I had an absolutely marvelous whirlwind of a trip - the best being our visits with family in Norway and Scotland! We came home exhausted but yet refreshed. Daughter had emailed once during the trip...spewing her usual vitriol, which I ignored. Didn't hear from her the rest of the time.

    MEANWHILE....I did something so incredibly stupid and am paying for it now. I have become an enabler to another person. For many years we have maintained a friendship with one of our daughter's former care workers. She is the same age as myself. She has no family here and we kind of 'adopted' her for holiday meals, etc. Later on we became an occasional lifeline for her (sometimes money, help moving things, etc.). She has always been a little quirky and a hoarder (stuff and animals) but has always had a connection with our daughter and us. So, when she found herself on social assistance and living in a slum shack out in the country with her 16 cats, we knew she was in trouble. We had always told her that if she got rid of her cats we would have an emergency place for her to regroup. After 3 years, that time came at the end of June, shortly before our trip. She dealt with her cats and then moved her 100+ large storage bins to our house (with our help to move her). We outlined conditions that we needed to see forward progress with her: medical appointments, psychiatric help for depression & hoarding, efforts to obtain employment, storage locker for bins, etc.). We set up our huge store tent in the backyard so she could go through her bins and start minimizing. That was July 1. We thought it would be great because she would take care of the house while we were gone and could sort through her stuff. The washing machine went 24/7 while she washed every piece of clothing/linens and repacked them. We went on our trip and the house went downhill. By the first snowfall in November the tent was still up and we were losing our minds. Forced her to get storage locker and ended up helping her move it to the locker, then take down the tent in snowfall. She got focused on getting her medical marijuana from her GP for her back pain - spent all the time on the internet. Got it and doesn't use it - would rather take T3s. Sleeps all day and starts making food at 11 pm. So many other issues happening that I just can't post it all. We can't use the basement rec room area because some of her bins and things are all in the way. She started using our weight bench to hold her laundry. Fitness equipment is now in our dining room!!! Had the "chat" in late November that no matter what happened she would have to pay rent in January. January came...no rent. Reminded her. Tears. tears. tears. Told her I was being an enabler and that I cannot change her. I stated that we need our house back to just 2 people and 2 dogs (oh, and she has totally destroyed any obedience that we had instilled in our dogs) by the end of March and that she needs to get her affairs in order. I have 2 months to go. There will be drama. It will be over.

    I can't believe we didn't see this behaviour before but I guess that until you live with someone, you never truly know. Never, never, never again.

    BACK TO REALITY - Daughter has been in constant contact since November. She knows we went on a trip. She seems to be sober now (has had a couple of lapses). Says she is involved with a church and has found her faith again. She has been very polite except for the 2 times she had the 'lapses'. I'm staying very, very guarded. I know how quickly the tide can turn.
     
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  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, so it seems you are susceptible to being kind-hearted and used by manipulative people. It has happened more than once. I feel your good heart just breaking.

    I believe your daughter is the one who had phoney Go Fund Me pages on the internet and fake trips to the hospital and does work refusal.

    This is my opinion. She hasn't changed, not a bit, and is manipulating you again because she can. Words are cheap. You know what she is like. She wants YOU to feel sorry for her and to Go Fund Her. Even if she is putting on a good act now you will be sorry and kicking yourself if you either let her come home or send her a dime. She probably wants something.And is working hard to wear you down.

    Actions matter. Words are just noise. Our adults know what to say to soften our hearts but it doesn't mean they have changed. Got a job yet? In deep therapy yet? Made any amends to those she cheated? Including you?

    Without extensive long term therapy she not only won't change but probably can not change and has no desire to work, get her own money, does not feel remorse for her past and hey, anyone can look good by going to church and pretending to be serious about it..

    I really hate to be so negative but you are kind and giving and I think your daughter knows how to play you and you deserve a peaceful life with your husband. Please don't do anything for daughter that she could do for herself if she tried, including get money because she has a job.

    Love and hugs.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2018
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nice to see you McDonna.

    I can relate to your story with your "houseguest." Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth.....I've found those folks who respond to accountability as your houseguest has, generally cannot be trusted to keep their word (no rent in January) So, I would not assume that she will be leaving at the end of March. Often what WE understand is not what THEY are saying or even committing to.

    Your houseguest seems to be abusing your kindness.

    Your houseguest has had 7 months of freedoms and benefits....like our troubled kids, she has no real incentive to change that status.....if it were me (and it has been) I would first check the eviction laws in your state. She is living in your home so in most states, she has "rights." Make sure you are legally doing whatever it takes to have her evicted. It may be prudent for you to check on those laws now, because it may take a few months and if you begin the process now, you may have her out by the end of March.

    I would set deadlines. For instance, all her stuff has to be out of your rec room and stored in boxes by March. 15th. I would get an official eviction started, let her know and that there are absolutely NO more opportunities to stay with you after March 31st.

    Protect yourself legally. Do not assume that she will be leaving without you having to do more than simply believing her word. From my reading of your post, there are red flags about your houseguest.

    You sound resolved about your daughter. Her living in Kuala Lumpur is probably much better for you.
     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Macdonna
    There should be a Holy :censored2: icon to select. You are kind and warm hearted and that is not a bad thing. But you need to find someone to support you in staying warm and kind and not crossing the line to enabling. Losing your peace and quiet to a stranger along with your yard and home. We may have to call you Saint Macdonna.

    The gut instinct you have with your daughter is spot on. Don’t ingnore it.
     
  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    It is so nice to "see" you, McDonna! I wondered how things would shake out with your daughter. I too think it is best that she be on the other side of the globe, at least for now, and I am glad to hear you are keeping your guard up. Not that people can't change, but...change first, before you tell me how much you've changed, right?

    Oh lord, what a mess on the homefront. So kind of you to help your houseguest, but it does sound like she has abused your kindness. I'm glad you gave her a date to be out, but I agree with RE in that you should make sure you've taken the legal steps necessary to ensure her exit.

    Glad you had such a nice vacation! You certainly had one coming!
     
  6. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Get the eviction process started. It could take months to actually get her out. Her word means nothing - she’s already shown that by not paying the rent she agreed to.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am sorry. I thought you were confused about our daughter. I agree it is best she is far away. As for this person in your home, start the evidence tion process or she wo t leave and you won't be able to make her leave. What a nightmare!
     
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree it is time to evict the squatter. She isn't a renter, but she may have rights as a tenant. You NEED to go and start the eviction process formally or she may be able to sue you at a later date. Isn't that a kick in the pants after all you have done for her?? But it happens!

    She won't leave of her own accord, why would she? It is nice at your house. Good food, free tv, wifi, no bills, free or cheap storage.

    If you don't evict the renter, you could end up being stuck with her for many many months. Or even for years. Isn't that an awful thought!!!

    As for your daughter, it is good she isn't home to pester you. I would not believe her reports about going to church or doing things like that unless I saw them with my own 2 eyes. She has done too much lying for her word to mean anything. She showed you who she truly is with her actions. Now you have to believe them over her words. It sounds like your daughter is trying to soften you up so that in the future she can hit you up for money again. I am probably a very suspicious person.
     
  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, McDonna,

    Nice to “see” you!

    been there done that with the hope that a respite or a helping hand would help someone to get back on their feet, only to have it blow up in my face.

    Problem is, their agenda is often different from ours.

    Or maybe, our agenda is what they want, in theory, but they just don’t have the follow-through to make the changes happen in their lives.

    Either way, it amounts to the same thing. Nothing changes.

    Have you looked into helping her find housing, like a government funded apartment or subsidized housing? It might be easier to get her out if she has somewhere to go. At least where I live, people whose living situations are tenuous often get priority.

    I’m glad to hear that your daughter is far away and leaving you alone, for the most part. That has got to be a relief.

    Keep us posted!

    Apple