Balancing advocating for him and letting him deal with the system

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Sep 28, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    Wow I am holding it together but just barely. I had to leave home yesterday to go across the country to visit my dad who is very seriously ill. This is probably the beginning of the end for him so of course very emotional for me.

    Meanwhile my son was transferred from the very good psychiatric hospital he was at to another place for residential substance abuse tx. He was transferred because there were no openings in the substance abuse tx at the hospital he was at. We knew nothing about the place he was transferred to and could not find out any information about the place from the internet. The SW said it had a good reputation but I don't think she really knew either... it was a bed and a place our insurance would cover.

    So my son calls once he is there and he hates it there. Too many rules (Ah ok this is always an issue for him). His first reaction was I cant stay here. We talked him down from that position, reminding him to think of the big picture.

    My husband went to visit him yesterday and he also was not real impressed and is feeling pretty frustrated. I talked to my son again and some of the stuff he told me I found worrisome. One was soem comments made by one of the intake people about how if he was borderline he didn't want to be that and that he would then just be miserable for the rest of his life! Very inappropriate and that is not something my son would even know to make up... he has no idea of the history of the borderline diagnosis and that it has this stigma.... the first he heard of it was at the first hospital and to him some of what they were telling him was like oh this makes sense about me and wow there might be help for me. He mentions it where he at now and they just tell him its hopeless he will be miserable????

    My son also feels the tx is for detox and he doesn't need that. Now I agree he doesn't need detox but he seems to think he has his substance abuse under control which is just plain ridiculous!

    So I know my difficult child enough to know that his perception of things may be way way off. We did have a good conversation yesterday where I think he feels supported by me and so is actually listening to me. I can't tell you how amazing that is, in and of itself. He still really wants help with the borderline issues he has.

    So my feeling is he is getting caught a bit by our health care system where insurance kind of rules and does not necessarily do what is best for him.... that happens a lot these days in health care and where you need to really advocate for yourself. Well of course he does not know how to really advocate for himself... he is complaining and ticking off the staff whichof course is no help at all. I did remind him yesterday that you catch more flies with honey...

    Anyway I do feel I need to advocate for him so that he can at least eventually get the treatment he needs and wants..... and my husband told me yesterday I do that a lot better than he does... that is also true so here I am far away, dealing with my dad and trying to advocate for my son.

    I am holding it together for now but know that at some point I will fall apart.

    Send me good thoughts please.

  2. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) and good thoughts being sent.

    While you are advocating for your son, I would also let your son in on what you are doing - step by excruciating step. Essentially teaching him how to advocate for himself. I'm sure he won't get it right off the bat. Most "normal" ppl don't. Personally it is much easier to advocate for someone else than for myself or even my own family. Takes practice, but I'm getting there, and eventually your son will too. Keep teaching.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending all the support I can. It's a real struggle balancing the insurance against what is best for him and a real shame that when they are ready for help it's so difficult to find the right program.

    I'm sorry about your dad. You are under a great deal of stress right now.

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Your insurance co. should be able to provide you with a list of facilities qualifying for coverage. Because he is at placement x does not mean he can't be transferred to placement y. I understand too well how "an available bed" is the criteria but beds do become available at other places.

    I don't know about your insurance but our well known company only allowed thirty days...and...tried to discharge about ten days after admission because "he was no longer using". WTH! I'll never forget that insanity. The first placement we had was not good. The second placement we had was close to ideal. Sadly, he was "discharged" for not following the rules.

    I'm sending understanding and caring thoughts your way. Not trying to sound negative here but thought you might want to investigate what your options are before some edict hits you up the side of your head. Hugs. DDD
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks for the thoughts...he is being dischargee monday! I talked to the sw and she is going to talk to the first hospital. My current hope is that he could get into a program there with the insurqnce paying for partial tx and us paying thenoverrnight fee....we shall see. I made the point that he is looking for help and we want to take that opportunity and support we shall see.

  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is why we ended up having to pay out of pocket for our difficult child's entire 60 day inpatient stay, insurance just wouldn't cover any of it. Can he get into that outpatient program he was in that he was happy with?

  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hope the placement is the right one. So sorry about your Dad. My father in law has Alsheimer's he is in the end stages and everytime the phone rings I jump. It is not easy. Hope you get some rest. Hugs -RM
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry there are so many stressful things all at the same time. Sending lots of hugs and support to you.

    I don't know much about how insurance handles this type of thing. I do know that there are a LOT of idiotic things people say about all types of problems. Ask difficult child to trust you to give him the right information about his disorder - NOT to trust some orderly or "not a doctor or nurse" person to give him the correct information. Also tell him that you know quite a few people here who have had good lives even though they have borderline personality disorder. Keep reminding him of this. Maybe if you reach out to Janet or ask Hound Dog to ask her daughter if it is okay to share some of their stories iwth difficult child it would help. They are the two who come to mind right now. It doesn't matter what the problem or diagnosis is, you can have a miserable life or a wonderful one. Most are in between, but NO diagnosis is a guarantee of misery unless you want it.

    I hope things either get better or you can find a bed at a more appropriate facility. in my opinion the fact that he thinks it is under control right now is evidence of how much he needs inpatient help.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would be happy to talk to, email or whatever with him about borderline if you wish. just ask.
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Just sending you warm wishes and you are in my thoughts. Keep on holding yourself together - you are tough and strong -- follow your instincts. {hugs}