Behaviorist

[Jungleland]

Hi family. Last evening the Behaviorist was here to do his assessment. He was here for 3 1/2 hours, from 6pm-9:30pm!!!

It went very well as difficult child showed him many of her "best" behaviors! I think he got a really good peek into the "jungle" that is my home.

He still has to write up his assessment and present his recommendations to funding, but he is looking at at least 17 hours monthly for at least 6 months. He gave us a few quick suggestions of catching difficult child before she escalates into full blown rage to have the choice of a "tight hug", listening to music in a quiet room, etc, while thinking about the behavior and what she could do differently then we talk. If she does not comply then she gets a full "time out".

I explained that I cannot imagine "catching" her before the rage, there is NO TIME, she is there in 0-90!!! He wants us to try, so we will.

Also, he noted she has horrible eye contact (ya think??) and showed us a few tricks of getting her to look at us and keep eye contact with at least one eye while we are talking. It actually worked while he was here.

He said that behaviors will get worse at first before they start to improve, we already knew that, lol!

He asked her "difficult child, do you want to change?" She said, after thinking for several minutes "I will have to get back to you on that, not sure I want to" Wow, we really have our work cut out for us.

He did say that he sees that difficult child does not trust us. We are not nearly as consistent as we need to be. I already feel like I am military parenting but he said NO WAY, you need to state the rules, stick to them, NO MATTER WHAT. We felt like we were already doing that, husband is much better than I lately, but I feel so strict with her.

He said we need to put a lock on our bedroom door that locks with a key as difficult child is always sneaking in there to pour out my shampoos, lotions, perfumes, etc. Can we say passive aggressive behavior??!! He said we need to state our boundaries and stick to them NO MATTER WHAT.

He observed that 5 yo "J" cuddles up for snuggles appropriately, whereas difficult child is "demanding" physicality by passive aggressive facial expressions and with her body. He told her that hugs are for loving, her demands are NOT loving. We role played the inappropriate and appropriate ways of "asking" for hugs with kind facial expressions and gentle touches. I really enjoyed this part and it carried over to this morning when she was very sweet with her morning hugs.

All in all, I feel comfortable with him and think difficult child connected with him. Will be interesting to see how this evolves. We won't be starting with him for about a month, hopefully sooner if funding gets moving on it.

On a side note, difficult child had a 43 point day yesterday at school!!! Amazing!! Now if she could just pull that off for the rest of the school year, we'd be golden!!!

Hugs and thanks for being here, Vickie

 

[tiredmommy]

Wow! It sounds like a very thorough assessment! I like that she was loving this morning after learning about being more appropriate... she may have decided to change after all!

 

[nvts]

Hey! I'm considering taking this step. According to difficult child 1's therapist, this is a pre-emptive strike before hospitalization.

I know this is a stupid question, but do they judge you by how messy your house is? Do they follow not only at home, but do they assess on the bus and at school as well?

I haven't talked about it much here on the site, but I'm just about ready to throw in the towel with all 3 of the difficult child's. It's self preservation at this point.

Thanks!
Beth

 

[recovering doormat]

WE had a behaviorist for about a year, paid for by DCF (CPS in some states), and I just loved her. Her take on our situation was that exDH and I parented very well together in a crisis, but couldn't hack the day to day stuff. She was spot on.

She came to all the school meetings, spoke with anyone we wanted her to, and she was big into writing up parenting plans. Problem was, exDH did everything he could to sabotage her, just made it clear he wasn't invested in her ideas and didn't need to bother to make an effort. He just wanted someone to make his kid behave. The kids really liked her at first but then as she became stricter with them, they cooled off.

She said the same stuff to us, that we weren't strict or consistent enough, and when I whined about it she asked me if I wanted to have my youngest kid taken out of my house. That woke me up like being slapped in the face with a dead fish. It was a turning point for me.

All in all, a worthwhile thing. Kept my son out of the psychiatric hospital for the time seh worked with us. Kept me sane.

She was not critical or nasty about my, um, relaxed housekeeping standards, but she did say that my son really craved order and that the kids would respect their home more if I kept it tidier, and got them to help. I cleaned up but it was like pulling teeth to get them to help me. I finally had to tie it to priveleges such as having friends over or getting a ride from me.

 

[Jungleland]

Here a behaviorist is not "allowed" in the school, unless there are extenuating circumstances. He is willing to speak with school, afterschool program, but most likely will not be in difficult child's classroom. I was pretty disappointed because I can see a real positive in connecting school and home.

An update in the continuing saga of my "jungle" of a home:

difficult child had a horrific day today, got a final "citation" from afterschool program. If she has another bad day, she is out of the program for good. This would NOT be a good thing as that program is about the only thing keeping her out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) right now. She is there after school until 6pm when husband picks her up. They have some really cool stuff for her to do and if she came home right after school each day, she would be bored and then tormenting easy child and me.

husband is beside himself tonight, really sad and disheartened. I think that he is finally coming to the realization that difficult child NEEDS to be in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She is blowing out of school, blowing out here at home, we are ALL at the ends of our disappearing rope.

Anyways, still have hope that Behaviorist might help, just pray we can hang in there another month till he can start.

 

[TerryJ2]

Vickie,
the behaviorist sounds like a fascinating and very worthwhile endeavor.
It's wonderful that you can have someone come into your home and watch the "real" interation like that.
Your daughter sounds like she has behaviors similar to my son's. Interesting about the body contact ... my son loves to shove but he's SO much better than he used to be. I would tell him I didn't like being touched like that and ask him if he would like a hug. Usually he'd say yes and then I'd tell him that was nicer and that it worked very well. Encouragement like that really helps. It's hard!
We have come a long way but still have a long way to go.
So sorry about the school issues.
And I'm sorry about your husband. I know the feeling of wondering if you should give up.