(SOAP BOX TIME...GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!)
(INSERT APPROPRIATE SPORT MUSIC : read at your own risk of rambling)
You know, there is that old saying...pull yourself up by your bootstraps. In fact, I know I am guilty of using that with J. When in reality, they are not boots...sandals at best.
J has been in this situation more times than I can remember. He takes a few good steps ahead, then is knocked down by the 'system' (and his smart mouth). You don't let someone out of prison with $100, have mandatory meetings with a PO, no job, no transportation and huge fines to pay. If they can't do that, they go underground and you don't hear from them for months/years on end. It's a complete setup for failure.
On the parent end of things, you can only do so much for such a stubborn headed person. We've done the clothes thing too many times. It's like...dude...(not your dude)...I can only rescue you so many times. I can only buy you clothes and toiletries and such so many times. At a certain point you have to sit back and watch them choose their own fate, yet still loving them. I don't know whose battle is harder to watch - theirs or ours.
The key is getting a good advocate within the system. They can pull the strings, if necessary, to get them on the right track. They may not be able to change their behavior, but they can put opportunites that most of us don't know of. The ultimate key is if the child/adult chooses to accept them. If not...well, you're screwed and most likely the kid. Then you watch it unfold yet again. This is where detachment comes in. It's a darn HUGE horse pill to swallow, but it's also self-preservation.
I haven't heard from J since January. My best guess is he's back in prison and is too embarrassed to let me know. He should be embarrassed. There is a reason why people feel that way...it makes you look in the mirror and hopefully rethink.
Back to the original thought (did I mention I'm random?)- lets say they look in the mirror and really want to make things right.
THIS IS NOT HOW THEY MAKE THEM RIGHT!!! Give them fees they can't pay...can't get a job... no transportation, blah, blah, blah. I can see a person at that crossing point in their life where they say...I screwed up. I know it. I want to lead the straight and narrow life, yet what they are offered just shoots them back into the same lifestyle. Family and friends have long distanced themselves...it's a recipe for disaster.
I actually had a conversation with one of the authors of a highly recommended book on this site last night. I hadn't heard from him in years. For me, what it boils down to is everyone has their own tolerance level, whether you be the child or the parent. You can go to X-number of 'professionals' and get their opinion, but what works for one doesn't work for another. Quite honestly, I find those of us in the trenches are a much better resource and less expensive than paying someone else.
You live it. They research it.
My soapbox is pretty high now, so I should get off.
Hugs to my donkey buddie, and chin up to Dude. You can do it. You just have to want it, Dude. Ask what you need if you really want to make a change. You will have 1000's of people willing to help you. Heck. I'd go down to Goodwill right now and get you a suit. I'd send you my $3. Sorry...I started with $9. I'm downsizing.
Love you, dear.
Abbey