call 911 on difficult child again, he is out of our house now

[pinevalley]

It has been a very difficult week-end, but I now feel stronger about keeping difficult child out of our house. He went to the IOP meeting on Saturday morning with h and I, and it seemed like he really listened to everything that they said. After the meeting he promised us that he would go to the next meeting on Tuesday. But of course we now know that everything that he said was a lie. He went out with some friends on Saturday night and stayed out the entire night. We had made it very clear to difficult child that if he was high we would not let him stay in our house. He told us yesterday that he did not come home because he was high on weed and he knew that we would not let him back in the house. He stayed at a friend's house, and did not come home until Sunday night. He also admitted to us that he used weed on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I asked him about other drugs and he also admitted that he takes triple C pills.

H and I had a long talk with difficult child on Sunday night, and he told us that he would go to school on Monday if I would drive him to school instead of taking the bus. We were all calm when we were talking and he admitted that he is having a hard time stopping weed because he likes the "thrill" of using it. He actually said this to us. difficult child also told us that he would go to the IOP meeting on Tuesday night.

However everything fell apart today, because difficult child did not want to go to school at all. He was not high, he was rested and clear headed, but he kept telling me that he wanted to stay home today and he would go to school on Tuesday. I was so furious that difficult child refused to go to school one more day that I told him I wanted him to leave the house. He would not leave until he found some money (which I refused to give to him) so I had to calll 911 and ask the police to come to my house. This scared difficult child enough that he did leave the house without any money or cell phone. I told him before he left that since he refuses to go to school he will not be allowed to live in our house. The cops came to my house and told me that if difficult child returns tonight that I should call 911 again. They can not actually force difficult child to leave without an eviction notice, but they can use their authority to persuade him to leave our property. difficult child did tell me that he would be back home tonight, but I told him that we would not let him in our house. I have put his backpack with a few clothes and a sleeping bag on our front porch, and that is all we are doing for him.

difficult child has been truant from school for 4 days this quarter, and the cops can give him a ticket for truancy. He will then have to go to court and explain to a judge why he won't go to school.

I think that difficult child needs to go back to the residential program for rehab, and I have talked to the program that he was in about getting him admitted. We have to wait until difficult child realizes that he needs help, and then we will take him to rehab. I am very sad that difficult child refuses to even go to school, but I now know that this is a lost cause. I was pleading with difficult child to get in my car today so that I could take him to school, and he just stood outside the car and refused to get in the car. I can see now that there is nothing that I can do to convince difficult child to go to school and pass his classes. I refuse to plead with difficult child again over school, because it is not worth the aggravation.

I think that difficult child will still try to get back in our house tonight, but we are not going to open our doors for him. Thanks for everyone who gave me advice about difficult child. I now know for sure that he is using weed and triple C, and we have done as much as we can do to help our son.

 

[DDD]

Sending my most caring and supportive thoughts and hugs your way. Having to accept that our children have chosen such an unhealthy path is mindboggling and oh so sad. I am glad that you and your husband are on the same page. Perhaps your difficult child will "get it" before too long. Meanwhile just want you to know that I empathize. Hugs DDD

 

[Zardo]

PV - I am so sorry for your situation. By holding your ground, you are continuing to help him, you should know that. I can't imagine the pain of him trying and begging to get in and you having to say no. If they only knew how painful holding the line is.... I do think support would help you and H as well. We don't go to Alanon, we met a family therapist through the IOP program that works with families in crisis. My husband and I meet with him weekly to talk about how things are going, get his feedback, ideas and affirmation that we are not crazy. He has a lot of experience with teens in this situation and it's been a huge support. Maybe you can find someone.... I do think talking to recovering addicts helps too, so maybe just attending some open AA meetings. There is support out there that can help. I pray for strength for you tonight.

 

[AmericanGirl]

PV,

It is awful he has chosen this route. I applaud you for doing the right thing...not the easy thing. It isn't easy but he has a better chance of recovery. Praying for you all.

 

[lovemysons]

As painful as this is to do you are doing the right thing.

Hugs and care,
LMS

 

[Kathy813]

Have the rehab number ready and stand firm. When he gets desperate enough, he will agree to go.

{{{Hugs for your hurting heart}}}

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

PV stay strong and know you are doing the right thing, although it hurts so bad. I do think he needs to go back to residential and I'm glad you have that lined up. When he wants to come back that is your bargaining chip, he has a choice to go to treatment or finding other living accomodations.

I'm thinking about you during these next few days and praying that he does the right thing.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Signorina]

I am sending you so many cyber hugs ...

I hate that so many of our lives seem so parallel right now. I was really struck by your statement about your difficult child agreeing to go to school and admitting that he is having a hard time stopping...followed by his complete about face when it was actually time to go to school. My own difficult child acted similarly--seeming to get it (though never admitting he had a problem stopping) and then completely changing his tune when it was time to follow thru.

I wish I understood it. It almost makes it harder to actually catch that glimmer of hope and then lose it again.

{{{{hugs}}}} - I wish I had answers - I hope someday we all have the opportunity to sit down with healthy former difficult children and get some answers.

XXOO

 

[gottaloveem]

Sending (((HUGS))) your way. Doing the right thing is oftentimes the most painful.

Love,
Lia

 

[Nancy]

PV what's going on? Did he try to come back last night? Update us when you can.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[pinevalley]

difficult child came back to our house after dinner, only to take some more of his music equipment. I refused to let him inside the house, so I talked to him thru the window. He was with a friend who was driving him around, and difficult child wanted to pick up some drum equipment. I just wanted him to go away so I found the items he needed and handed them to him thru the door. He told me that he was coming home later Monday nite, and I again told him that he was no longer allowed to live in our house. I had left a few clothes in his backpack and a sleeping bag on our front porch, but he never came home last night and he never picked up the backpack.

difficult child called me this morning to tell me that he stayed overnight at a good friend's house. This friend has already graduated from hs and he does not use weed, so he is with someone who is responsible. difficult child told me that he is coming back this afternoon to pick up his complete drum set, because he is in a new band. I told difficult child that he can not have anything from our house at all except what is on the front porch now, and he will not be allowed in our house. I reminded difficult child that he should do the right thing and go to school, but he wasn't really listening. All he is concerned about is the new band that he is in, and he doesn't care at all about going to school.

I also called the school principal to see when the cops will issue a ticket to difficult child for being truant from school. I was very surprised to find out that the cops can not give any student a ticket for truancy if they are 18 years old. It is the right of any 18 year old to decide to go to school, and they can also drop out of school without their parent's permission. That makes absolutely no sense to me...

I wish that my difficult child had a little maturity and common sense, and that he was able to think about more than what is fun in the moment. I am trying to detach from the huge mistakes that difficult child is making of his life, and I have not been completely obsessed about where he was staying last night and if he was all right. I keep telling myself that i don't ever want to find myself pleading with my son to get in the car so he can show up at school. That was the last straw for me....

 

[buddy]

It is so heart breaking when they are nearly done. I have had a few students who have done this too... You sound like you are doing an amazing job. Thanks for the update

 

[Nancy]

It's interesting that he tells you he will be home on such and such a day like you are a hotel. Do you think he's selling his drums or is he really in another band?

"I keep telling myself that i don't ever want to find myself pleading with my son to get in the car so he can show up at school. That was the last straw for me...."

I had one of those ah-ha moments myself where I look back and realize I never ever want to be in that position and do that ever again. It has helped me to stay on the right course.

Still thinking of you and sending strength.

Nancy

 

[pinevalley]

Nancy,
I think that I will remember that moment (where I was pleading with difficult child to get in the car) for a long time. I felt totally desperate to get him back to school, and he didn't really care. I really think that it is best for me to put some distance between difficult child and myself now. Maybe if I am not tying so hard to fix him it will give him a chance to grow up.
When difficult child called today he was so excited about this band, and he told me the names of the other guys in the band. He also asked me for money, which I refused. I know that he really wants to have money, but right now I believe that he is in a band. As he tells me all the time, music is his "passion", and it is the only thing that he cares about.
I think that difficult child will stay with his friend for as long as he can. The weird thing is that this guy lives with his mom, and I don't know why this mom would want to have another teen living on a couch in their townhouse. She hasn't called me to ask about my son, and I have left her a few messages but I have not heard from her yet. I would never let another teen stay at me house unless I checked with the parents first, but it sounds like this mom doesn't care who stays at her home.

 

[Nancy]

PV I asked myself the same question last year when difficult child went to live with a neighbor. I couldn't understand how any parent would let a neighbor's daughter move in with them when it is obvious that she has a drinking and drug problem and that we kicked her out. I couldn;t wrap my head around why they wouldn't pick up the phone and call us or tell her she could stay there a couple days but had to work things out, or anything but allow her to live there, crash in their basement, come and go as she pleases all hours of the day and night and drink and smoke pot in their house. Of course their own son was doing the same and they closed their eyes to it also.

We ended up taking this neighbor to court last summer for damage his son did to our front door and he was arrested and ordered to pay us $3800 for a new door. If those parents had done the right thing last year none of this would have happened, but to be honest it gave me satisfaction that they finally had to pay for interferring in our lives.

Hopefully in your son's case this friend and his mom are good people and he will be safe and they won't allow drug use.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

My difficult child has an enabler, too. Her bff's mom "rescues" homeless teens and young adults. She had taken in difficult child several times and then the husband finally gets tired of her and tells her that she has to leave.

This woman's sister is a drug addict so I think the woman is compensating by trying to help others turn away from drugs. Sadly, she is just an enabler.

I'm sure that your difficult child is telling all kinds of stories about you to the friend's mom. I don't get why these people can't see that you would have no reason to kick out your son unless he was doing something really wrong.

I found it helpful to just take a complete break from my difficult child when she is at her worst. We block our home phone and cell phones. I don't facebook so I can't be tempted to check up on her. Of course, they can get around it by using someone else's phone but it might make your difficult child realize that you mean business.

~Kathy

 

[Signorina]

PV - your statement about pleading with him to get in the car struck a chord with me too. Despite my anguish, I still feel ridiculous that H and I basically chased difficult child being more and more polite and more and more accommodating while he strung us along like a bunch of fools. Seriously, he was packing his bags to leave and I was pleading with him to stay - even kissing him and telling him I would always love him. And he was totally cold and even so, I packed a bag of groceries for him to take with him. And he took them. He also had no problem taking the rent check from H, yet then turned and gave my wonderful H the finger as he walked away. Sometimes I wonder where the heck my self respect went.

I too struggle with the neighbor/girlfriend's family who is enabling my difficult child. Before difficult child changed his email password last week, I saw an email from his girlfriend's dad suggesting specific factory jobs for difficult child to apply to. (nothing wrong with factory jobs BUT) They knew my son as a straight A HS student going to college with plans for PhD-to-MD degree. Yet now this man is suggesting minimum wage FACTORY jobs to my college fail-out so that he can continue to circumvent his parents in the name of being independent???? I realize difficult child is probably feeding them a line of bull - but look at the FACTS for crying out loud. I pleaded with them to help -or at least watch out for my son and they ignored me. And now it's 6 months later and my kid is a mess and they are still backing him and refusing to communicate with us. BE THE GROWN UPS!!! Aaaackkkkk

OK - enough hijacking your thread with my saga for now. FWIW - yesterday, I re read the pleading email I sent to the girlfriend's parents in September and I still can't believe they totally disregarded it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

 

[AmericanGirl]

When mine was 16, he kept saying he could go live with a 24 yr old single mom whose brother he knew. I barely knew her. Onecday in the car, difficult child fed me this line....so, I drove to her house, knocked on her door and asked whether she was prepared to raise and fully financially support my son. She didn't say much...okay, she didn't get a chance. I then went on to tell her about difficult child and offer to bring others there to back me up. She never once said he couldn't stay there. She talked around the issue.

Frankly, i think some people cannot say no...some are conned...some need drinking/using buddies...and some want to be the white knight.

 

[Nancy]

AG you are exactly right. These neighbors thought they were being the white knight for our difficult child. They believed her and thought we were monsters because we didn't want our underage daughter drinking or smoking pot. They said pot was no big deal and we were pushing her away.

Flash one year ahead, their son is now a heroin addict and they owe us $3800.00. Hmmmmmmm.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

I've read the thread and have nothing new to offer. More hugs and caring support is all I can offer. I so sincerely hope that "his brain" will "kick in" soon. There is a special pain that comes from watching an advanced student go down the drain. DDD