Can you bear one more husband whine? It's not getting better but vice versa

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SuZir, Dec 3, 2012.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    My husband hasn't been himself for some time. It started during the summer. First it came out with him being very irritated with difficult child and that has gotten worse only with some short better times. Lately he has also been irritated with me and our dogs and at times even with easy child, who usually can not do wrong if you ask husband. Yesterday we hit a new low and I'm starting to get fed up with his attitude.

    Yesterday we went to church because it was a first advent. mother in law and father in law and other family was also there and so did many friends and neighbours. There was coffee and chatting after the service. difficult child's grades of finals are back and his graduation ceremony is soon. He did extremely well with his finals. He is not going to go to graduation ceremony and will only allow small party with closest people there. mother in law did threaten to boycott the party but now they are coming anyway. During the church coffee mother in law and husband went to 'humble brag'-fest over difficult child's grades. They went on and on what a shame it is that difficult child has social skills worth the snail, when he does so well academically and could do something from himself if he wasn't such a social imbecile. Okay, I did feel like bragging too so I can't hold that against them. And about everyone present also knows about difficult child's social deficits so nothing new there. But it was little embarrassing.

    In our way home I teased husband about his bragging and to my surprise he went off on me over everything. Apparently everything with difficult child is my fault. I spoiled him, I didn't let him learn social skills because I protected and guided him too much when he was young. Then I didn't protect him enough and he ended up bullied. And it is my fault I didn't notice that. difficult child has always been more of my responsibility and easy child husband's. Apparently if it had been other they around he would had noticed and done better and difficult child wouldn't be a person he is now, if I would had done better job as a parent. Basically he threw me with every accusation I have been whirling in my mind. Some have some truth, some not that much. But it really hurt to get them thrown into my face by husband.

    He spent a night on couch and he was apologetic this morning. I'm still hurt. And worried, this simply is not like him.

    And to make my day perfect mother in law called and complained about the weather forecast for the day we have to drive to difficult child's town for party. I guess that too is my fault. And if that wasn't enough difficult child had an other set back in his sport and is bound to feel very bad. And that will likely make him grumpy and obnoxious. So we will most likely have a lovely party. I so feel like getting back to my bed and not waking up before spring when all this crab is hopefully behind us.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member you think maybe he isn't feeling well...that something is wrong? Can you get him to see a doctor? If that is not like him, maybe something is wrong.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I am sorry your husband is being so hurtful...
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Physically there shouldn't be anything (much) wrong. He is somewhat overweight and trying to shed some of it and to get to better shape. He did have his regular physicals early this fall and everything else was okay. I have been thinking if he is depressed but other than his irritation towards difficult child there hadn't been much change. There has been big changes in our family life lately though. First difficult child leaving home and then easy child's sport changing from something that took most of husband's free time to something we just go to watch games at times is a big change in his life. I have found myself middle of mid-life crisis after difficult child leaving (most of my time was used to kids before him moving out) so I have wondered if husband is feeling same. He denies though. According to him he is just fine, it is difficult child (or me or our dogs) that are the problem.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding hugs. Being married to a man who keeps his emotions to himself I know how frustrating it is having to just weather the brewing storm. At least he has expressed a reason...although I doubt it is "the" reason. Hang in there and I'll say prayers that it passes soon. Hugs DDD
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry Suz. So many depressed people just seem crabby. I think men are more comfortable with anger than sadness. You certainly deserve encouragement from your partner, not blame and hurt. That was uncalled for and certainly not helpful.

    I hope he works through this sooner than later. In the mean time are you keeping up with your interests?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    SuZir, please keep in mind that you and husband are getting to "that age" where you still act and think young, but the wear and tear is starting to show in subtle ways. Please don't assume it isn't medical. Here are some common medical causes of depression in middle-aged men:
    1) thyroid
    2) testosterone
    3) heart problems

    Doctors don't necessarily go looking for problems unless there are direct symptoms - or you start pushing for "going looking".
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry he is so awful right now. PLEASE get him to the doctor and insist they run some tests. This CAN be a medical issue. He needs to have thyroid and testosterone levels tested. My husband could see nothing right with the world when his testosterone was low. He was AWFUL to live with. After several years of rx supplements, his body started producing the right amt of testosterone, so it does not have to be a permanent supplement if your husband is resistant to things if he thinks he will have to take medications forever.

    High blood pressure can also cause this irritability. So can depression. I had to go with husband to the doctor to get these things checked because husband would NOT admit he had any problem. He actually told the doctor that he had no clue why he was at the doctor. I chewed him out right there WITH the dr there because he knew dang well why he was there. He just wanted to blame me like he had been doing for everything else.

    If there is no medical problem, drag him to therapy. I know it won't be easy, but living with this kind of emotional abuse is even harder. And he IS being emotionally abusive to you. and to BOTH kids. It is just as hard to be the perfect child as the perfectly awful child. Different, but just as hard. The perfect hcild cannot help but wonder if any tiny mistake will make dad treat him like he treats the perfectly awful child or like he treats you. NO child should have to tolerate this. It also destroys the sibling relationship by pitting the kids against each other.
  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm doing well in developing my own interests now that I have time. Exercising, especially running, is my life line, but I'm having fun keeping my self occupied also otherwise. I just started an university class that has absolutely nothing to do with my work or anything useful, just out of interest. And I'm planning to take another one for spring. And I have gone to all those concerts and art thingyes and public lectures I always wanted but didn't have time. And I have been renting a horse of a friend weekly to get back to riding. I'm most certainly enjoying myself and my extra time now that kids are big and difficult child out of home and easy child almost never home except to sleep. I may have a mid-life crisis and i may be feeling that I'm too young to have this much time in my hands and feeling a void but I'm also having fun ;)

    With husband and his attitude I have been thinking about guilt and feelings of failure. This started very soon after difficult child was diagnosed with PTSD and almost till now it was almost only directed to difficult child. My husband is doer and somewhat conservative in certain ways. He does feel it is his responsibility to protect his own. He feels a need to solve the problems. He is not good with 'nothing to be done's or 'something you just have to live with's. His child was hurt in the way that caused permanent issues and that happened on his watch more or less (well more on my watch, but doesn't matter to him, I think.) And now difficult child is even more vulnerable and broken than he would be otherwise. And difficult child's vulnerability, or that part of his vulnerability that has been clear he is not growing out off, has always been tough for husband. He can handle vulnerability that is because of age. When boys were young he never demanded them to be tougher than age-appropriate or anything like that. But he has always had tough time dealing with certain innate sensitivity difficult child has always had and which easy child mostly lacks.

    I have been thinking if husband simply feels guilty over what happened to difficult child, felt he failed as a father and as aprotector and that caused difficult child to be damaged in a way that is very difficult for him to see in his son. And because husband has certainly not used to feel like failure or feel guilty (he is one of those who usually don't have to), he is having so difficult time with it, that he can't handle that but is projecting.

    In fact him accusing me yesterday about all those things, while hurt, didn't hurt as much as i would had expected. Somehow I see it as him having an issue and I'm not taking those words by heart. And let's face it, I have said much harsher things for myself over it. husband could never be as harsh as I'm in my worst moments.

    by the way, oddest thing is, that the one who have not blamed me at all, at least not yet, is difficult child who I would had suspected to be the first one to throw the blame around.
  10. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    husband did have rather through physicals this fall. There is nothing wrong in his thyroid, his other blood works did come back as normal too, blood pressure is okay. He was screened for risk factors for heart problems but other than being overweight nothing showed heighten risk. I don't think his testosterone levels were checked but he really doesn't seem to have any of the symptoms. He doesn't seem depressed, he is active and gets things done like always. He is enthusiastic of things, sleeps well and starts new projects now that he has more time, and gets them finished too. He hasn't even be grumpy more than a month to others than difficult child. With difficult child and all difficult child related he has been short some months now, but being grumpy with me and dogs and even easy child is new.

    I really don't consider what he said yesterday abusive per se. It was more a brainfart and really not typical for him. Nasty and mean but not really abusive. Maybe teetering on the edge though. Same has happened with difficult child once or twice this fall. With me he is very apologetic but with difficult child not so much (he has offered difficult child a lamest apology possible at least once after going too far.)

    We did talk a bit this evening, but he is still back to the couch. To be honest I'm playing more offended than I really am. I don't think he would consider therapy for himself but I do know I can guilt him to family therapy with me if I want to. I had already previously suggested our church's relationship camps some of our friends have had lots of good things to say. Our kids are flying out of the nest and we are in new situation in our marriage and some work on our relationship wouldn't at least hurt.
  11. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    He could be dealing with alot of things and seeing things now that difficult child has left home and is on his own. Major life changes can bring these on. It could be that all of the accusations that he threw at you are things that he is feeling about himself, but he just doesn't know how to deal with them, so it's alot easier to deflect them onto someone else rather than deal with the pain and anger that he feels about how he did as a parent.

    I'm sorry he's being like this. I hope that it gets better soon.
  12. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    It gets more ridiculous. I don't know how I have raised two such a dramaqueens but apparently I have. It is late here, easy child and husband are sleeping (husband at sofa even though I have not told him not to come to our bed and if he doesn't want to, he could choose perfectly comfortable guest room bed or difficult child's bed. So I guess I know where my boys have learned their dramaqueenery), but I just got out of the phone with difficult child. He called and wanted to know what is going on and if I'm okay.

    Apparently easy child had called him today and told that we are fighting, have been all fall, husband is sleeping on couch and he is worried we are getting to divorce. Okay part of it is my fault, I didn't think through when I left a print about marital counselling thing I think would be very good fit to us for husband on our kitchen table. easy child apparently saw it and make some assumptions. It is also true we have had few bigger rows this fall and before easy child has never really seen us fight (we kept it out of kids' eyes and ears because we were worried difficult child would try to triangulate.) And instead of asking me or husband about it easy child had called his brother and apparently been beside himself.

    difficult child called me and asked about it. He wanted to know what is going on and about what we have been fighting about. And being self centred difficult child he is, he assumed it was about him (which it of course was and has been, but that is beside the point.) When I told him it is not his business he went on asking if his dad had hit me or if he is cheating on me. While I don't like letting him get involved something between me and husband those I had to deny because I really didn't want to leave him to think that. I told him I was totally okay and that we had been arguing over small things and when ended up saying nasty things to each other. And that the marital counselling was something I wanted to do because now that he and easy child are bigger we have some troubles getting used to having so much more time in our hands and we are too used to be just mom and dad and would like rekindle our relationship as a man and wife. As I hoped difficult child decided that was too much information for him and dropped the topic and just wanted me to assure him that I was okay.

    It bothers me how quick difficult child was to take my side and to assume worst from his dad. I really don't like that. I also don't like him meddling but then again I understand he was worried after easy child's call and not seeing himself what was going on.

    I do have to tell husband that easy child has been worried. I probably do have to tell that easy child called his brother, but I don't want to tell him what difficult child was so quick to assume. Their relationship is rocky enough as it is. I would want to tell easy child not to call and worry his brother over nothing especially when difficult child is three hours away and can't know what is going on at home. But then again I do like that they have a relationship there they do confide on each other and I don't want to tell easy child not to.

    Really, leave it to mine to make a mess over everything :sigh:

    And yeah, I think we are really going to have awesome graduation party for difficult child middle of all this. Double :sigh: