I had an epiphany of sorts today while I was texting with my son's godsend of a friend. My son's MO when he's using and immediately after is to bounce around between blaming himself for his problems to blaming me to blaming the ex in Chicago. The friend said that Tuesday my son was blaming himself totally. But I had this aha! moment that blaming yourself for your problems isn't enough unless you also take responsibility for your own solutions. But what if it's not a matter of that won't but that they are simply not capable? I don't think that's the case with my son but a tiny part of my brain thinks it might be. I used to have a neighbor, an older woman, whose 40 something daughter was so severely disabled mentally that she required the constant care of an toddler. My son is nowhere near that, but could there be some brain damage or mental illness that stunted his mental and emotional growth at somewhere around 10 or 12? I know I can't have him in my home under current circumstances, but most 10 year olds don't have the maturity and experience to survive on their own. Where do you draw the line between thinking that your adult child is merely choosing not to be proactive and thinking that he/she has the mentality of a semi-dependent young adolescent? I'm asking this in general, not just about my son specifically. Sometimes I think he should be in a group home, because he has proven time and again that he can't hold a job for more than 6 months and usually not even that. I used to think it was his age and immaturity, but at 30 I can't write it off to that any longer. Unfortunately he doesn't meet the criteria for a state committment and I certainly don't have the money to have him committed to a private institution. And then, again, if he's just playing the system, that could be the worst thing for him in that it would make him more helpless than he already is. So how do we know where the line is between what these kids are capable of achieving and simply choose not to and what is forever out of their reach no matter how hard they try?