Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Feb 17, 2010.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Carollynn, I wanted to move your post over here to a new thread to welcome you to our group. You posted on a thread that was over 2 years old and hadnt had any activity in that long so I wanted you to get some response and be welcomed appropriately!

    I just found this site and it's so wonderful to find out that I'm not the only one having troubles with my young adult. I to have a 19 year old son out of control. He is the youngest of 4 two being step and one being his sister. My son was always such a nice kid but something changed and I don't even know him any more. Like others I have probably over induldged trying to give them what I never had, maybe that was my first mistake. His step grandparents offered him a free ride to college and has done nothing with it. Like you I moved him into a apartment cosigned for him and his girl. Well that lasted 2 months and she moved out. Then she had to move from her parents and moved down stairs from him and after fighting got a restarining order and so here he is back at home. Since then he has gone to jail for going back to the apartment to get his stuff and spent a night in jail. Called me in tears that he will be good just get him out, so second mistake, I did. Now I have a 50,000 bond hanging over my head if he messes up. Since he has been home he lost his job, refuses to get another one and spends all his time on the computer or at ravs. I ask him to do anything and he gets angry and just don't do it or yells at my telling me he would just like to kill me that I'm just a annoying tic. Well it comes to him blaming me for the way he is, he said it's in his jeans for me having a baby with a looser like his father. Trust me his father has been out of the picture for 18 years, and yes he is a looser. I told my son that his car insurance runs out next week and I am not paying for it, and he is either in school or has a job or he is out. He laughs at me and said he can stay since I let his siter live here without a job. What to do? I feel like I lost my son and I have no control and if I do put him out he will be on the street. Please help
  2. carollynn

    carollynn New Member

    Oh sorry, not sure how all this works
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I want to welcome you to our little corner of this wonderful site. You really have found a new bunch of friends who have been there done that and walked a mile in your shoes before. We have probably heard or lived it all before in some form or fashion! Lots of us are still in the midst of the chaos.

    Pull up a chair, grab a cup of whatever is your drink of choice, sit awhile and get to know us. We want to get to know you to. Please go to UserCP at the top of the page and fill out a signature like you see on the bottom of our posts to let us know about you and your difficult child. That helps us keep everyone’s stories straight. There are so many folks on this site that we can’t possibly remember everyone! Thanks!

    Read through our posts here. We have an archives section available down below. There is a wealth of information there. Also check out the Watercooler for tons of fun and humor to let down your hair from dealing with all the chaos. We all need some fun in our lives.

    I am so sorry you had to find our site but I am glad to meet you. I came to this site back in 1999 when my son was 12 years old and quite the handful. As you can see in my signature, he is now 23 years old so I have been here for quite awhile…lol. There were some very dark times but I think we are seeing some light now.

    I want to offer you some links that may be of some assistance.

    Setting boundaries book
    Brainstorming list

    Again, I want to welcome you to our site and to this forum, Parent Emeritus.
    Your Moderator, Dammit Janet
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Carollynn......

    Sounds like you really need a good place to come to and just blow it all out....and get some good advice. 50k is no laughing matter. There may be some others here that have legal advice that could guide you as far as having his bond revoked which would get you out of having that hanging over your head. (thinking out loud)

    Don't worry about how this all works right now....most important thing is you come here....and just get it out, figure out you're not alone. Oh and anything you put here? Yeah....well....we've seen wayyyyyy worse, so don't be embarrassed or think "Oh they're going to think this or that." We don't. Probably the only place in the world that doesn't about your kids. We help when we can.

    Come back and let us know how you are. We're a good group. Janet said grab a cup of coffee. Shes the moderator she has to say that. Personally? I'd like to grab a flask. OF Water....of hehe....and whiskey. (noooooo go on) you should mix water with your whiskey. :surprise:. JUST kidding. If I started drinking with my kids? I wouldn't ever stopped. AH!

    Anyway - all jokes aside....come back and let us know how you are. We're here...ready to listen.

    Hugs & COFFEE janet.....I BROUGHT COFFEE....okay? Happy now? BLACK COFFEE (she's such a Mom)

  5. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Welcome Carollynn...Please read my post within the last few days.."had to get a restraining order". I too went through 2 years of adulthood to give him time to get himself together. I did not want him out on the street either,but he verbally abused me for 2 years+ and enough is enough, Judge thought so too. You can not continue like this, it is not fair to you or the rest of your family. But only you can know when you are ready. It will not change fo rhim unless you force it. Rightnow my son will never talk to me again, but I know I had to do it. Hopefully this is a wak eup call.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, I noticed the bond that you paid for him for the breaking of the restraining order. Boy, is 50K steep! I've signed on some bonds before but I could never have done that. Notice I said signed, I never actually put up the money but I signed and yeah, if he ran I could have been held liable but my son isnt a runner.

    One time when my son was extremely out of control and on bond, I did revoke him. It was one of the hardest thing I ever did and he did manage to get the bonds reinstated again after a few days. But it cooled his heels and he calmed down considerably. He has never known I was the one who revoked him. He never will. If your son is verbally abusive to you in your home you can make a call to the bondsman and tell them and they will come revoke. They dont want to take a chance he will run.
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hi Carolyn, Welcome to out little corner of the world. My son got into trouble with the law a while back and we posted bail/bond. He did not try to change his ways and continued to use drugs and abuse me and his father verbally and physically. Finally things got out of hand which resulted in my having broken ribs due to one of difficult child's drug induced rages. It was the middle of the winter there were no shelters open and the police said it would take a couple of days to get a warrant sworn out on difficult child for assault. So I made the hardest decision of my life and called the bailbondsman and had difficult child's bond revoked. It cost me about two hundred dollars but they picked difficult child up immediately and I didn't have to worry about him being on the streets in the dead of winter.
    You might want to cal your bondsman and see what it would entail to have tis done also. Especially if you or he or anyone else is not safe with him out and about. -RM
  8. peg2

    peg2 Member

    If he is out of control and verbally abusive and harrassing you can get a temp. restraining order and it takes affect immediately. He is the one with the problem and tries to balme you, because who else can he blame? It was my fault for everything and I had to get my restrainig order and yes, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I cried and feel like a failure. But parents do not deserve to be abused and being removed from the house is the only ting they can learn from.

    Good luck and many hugs.
  9. julie

    julie New Member

    Hi Carolyn, my name is Julie and I am new to this site also.I am so sorry to hear about your son.All I can say is you have found the right place to vent, and get good advice and some very kind people who understand.I am thinking of u