Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nicwin, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. Nicwin

    Nicwin New Member

    My son is 17 and lives with his dad. I made him leave over a year ago now as I couldn't take the verbal abuse from him. I know reading many of your stories that he doesn't have the problems many have. However I just couldn't take his extreme aggression towards me anymore. I felt I'm sure like women in abussive relationships feel, he never hit me but I'm sure it was a matter of time. Since he has moved away our relationship is strained but he doesn't cause me any hassle. He works, is learning to drive and is in a happy realationship himself. If I text him he answers although short answers. He never texts me, calls me or visits. It was his birthday a month ago so I deceided to try and bridge the gap. I gave him money for driving lessons and took him and girlfriend out for dinner. It was a nice evening no drama. It was my birthday a couple of weeks later and all I got was a text. No visit, no card. It was my mums birthday a couple of weeks later and she got the same, just a text, he rarely visits her and they have always had a great realationship. My question to you all is do I keep texting him? I feel that he only gets in touch when it's his birthday and Christmas so he can get presents and then I between there is nothing, no care, no love nothing. Do I keep going, do I still buy him Christmas and birthday presents when he just doesn't bother I between. My partner feels I shouldn't and that I'm rewarding bad behaviour and I should just leave it until he makes more of an effort. It breaks my heart.
  2. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    Personal opinion only, but I would keep staying in contact with him. Keep celebrating bdays and holidays with him. He is a kid, they are often self-centered at that age, and boys, especially, don't go all in for the gift/celebration thing.

    I wouldn't do anything about myself, but I would remind him of his grandmother's birthday and that he should make an effort with her.

    It sounds like he is doing well, just needs a little push in the etiquette department.
  3. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    I think you should stay in contact too. And I feel you are lucky to receive the text on your birthday. Many young people these days wouldn't even do that!

    Note: I encourage people to just send a card of call if they don't have the money to buy an expensive present. I say it is the thought which counts. So also good he is not spending money if he can't afford it.
  4. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    My W would be thrilled if 16 year old would acknowledge her in any way, shape or form. He won't respond to texts from anyone on her side of the family, or from her. Yesterday was his birthday and we spent it without him. He did not respond to texts. No contact since April. He has cut her completely out of his life. So I would say consider yourself lucky that your son is willing to make any effort at all. My stepson is not.
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I agree young males especially don't reach out so much. Unfortunately, you will need to keep modeling adult behavior to him. The fact he responds is something ....keep reaching, you never know what the future holds.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Keep in touch. I would reach out to him at least weekly with a short text or phone call. I would try to meet for a meal or a soft drink once a month. As parents, I feel like we should put out the effort, it comes with the territory, especially since he isn't causing you drama. Sometimes I will buy a little item that I think they would like or need just to have a reason to reach out. Or make a favorite food for supper and invite him and girlfriend over.

  7. Nicwin

    Nicwin New Member

    Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I won't give up x
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It might help if you reframe your mental thoughts and processes about staying in touch, giving birthday presents, etc.

    You are not doing this for HIM. You are doing it for YOU. So YOU can look yourself in the mirror and feel OK. It's about you, not him. If he doesn't want to reciprocate, that's his problem. You will do as much as makes YOU feel good about whatever you are doing. You will not be guilted into doing more than that.

    Staying in touch even minimally can pay off later. If you don't actually cut them off, they can't blame you for that later, and it can leave a door open for a future relationship. (Having said that, sometimes they are so abusive that we have no choice but to cut them off)
  9. Nicwin

    Nicwin New Member

    Great advice insaneCdn I feel much better now. I wrestle with the thought that I'm rewarding bad behaviour but I feel much happier keeping the contact open and still being a mum to him, wether he likes it or not, as you say it makes me feel better
  10. Eric@mreed223

    [email protected] New Member

    Well said! I agree
  11. marshelly

    marshelly New Member

    good thought!!