I find it hard because not only is it not realistic at all to have typical expactations of my son but he also does not have the drive for 'want to do it myself' that my typical girls have.
Yikes. I realized that if I ever want him out of the house I need to ignore his lethargy and whining and screeching and he needs to learn and do it one skill at a time while he still lives here. I do not have 100,000 for someone else to teach him.
You hit the nail on the head. We tried to teach difficult child how to do things at a young age but couldn't get past his meltdowns everytime we tried. If I heard the word "NOOOOO" one more time, or had to watch while he banged his head on the wall until there was a welt the size of a golf ball on his head, I was going to loose it. Everyone told us oh, that's normal, he's testing your boundaries, you have to be more consistent and wait him out...... use time out, count to 5...I endured so much unbelievable advice from people, some who didn't even have kids! He was just too defiant when he was young that we couldn't make him want to do anything...no matter how fun we tried to make it for him.
I have discovered with time and experimentation, however, that the calmer I remain and the tone I use with him when I ask him to do something, it works 85% of the time. I cannot use an authoritative "I'm your Master and you will obey" tone with him or he just immediately goes off. My husband on the other hand believes the old "Do as I say, not as I do" approach and expects him to just do everything he is told without questioning. My approach has been more successful thus far.
Actually, I used the Dog Whisperer's "Calm Assertive" technique that he teaches dog owners in order to become a more effective pack leader for their dogs. Don't laugh, it's virtually the same concept. My difficult child is extremely sensitive to the energy in his environment (Sensory Integration) and reacts explosively to anything that make's him feel insecure or uncomfortable.
To answer Bunny's question, though, BOTH. difficult child was exhibiting some inappropriate behaviors (smacking my backend) and physically abusing himself during a meltdowns.
I read the book "The Explosive Child" and began to learn how to "negotiate" in order to calm him down and provide him with some choices. I could agree to ignore some of his smaller annoying behaviors, but the behaviors that were NON-NEGOTIABLE would not go unpunished. It was at this time that we happened upon a non-profit start-up therapy group in town that held social get-togethers for children with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). They offered assistance in developing a behavior plan and for about 3 months one summer "Adam" came to our house in the morning and worked with difficult child in developing some lifeskills like getting dressed, making his bed, etc. We had a list of behaviors that were unacceptable posted on our refrigerator. We sat down with difficult child and explained what would happen if he exhibited any of the behaviors posted. It went very well............for about ummmmm 2 or 3 weeks. Then, he would behave for "Adam" but not for us due to our lack of consistency with punishment and me ENABLING difficult child by rewarding him with "guilt" purchases at the store.
We did finally manage to put a stop to the smacking my backend and physically abusing himself thank goodness. It took almost 2 years to nip those in the bud for good.
Then, the non-profit folded when the VP was busted for embezzling and not only did I loose a great resource for my difficult child that seemed to be working, I lost thousands of dollars I had invested into something I thought had been our salvation. I lost all faith and trust in people that summer.