Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by STRESSEDTOMAX, Oct 12, 2011.



    Hi All...

    Just wondering how you all handle consequences. Like I said yesterday, Tommy was suspended for at least today for leaving school property yesterday. This, of course, has its own consequences as far as missing a Pep Rally that took place yesterday, possibly missing a school trip tomorrow, and making the chances of him going to Washington Difficult Child with his class in March very doubtful. This would upset him very much. He wants to go very badly. As far as consequences at home such as losing something, like dessert or TV or something like that, though I feel like I'm being a bad parent, and I know for a fact some people think I'm doing the wrong thing, I don't do it. As far as I can tell, consequences have never mattered much to difficult child and have never seemed to prevent the same behavior from happening again. In fact, additional consequences often lead to explosions that lead right back to the hospital. I have a real problem with my family members who don't seem to understand that this is not your typical "give a consequence...learn from it" type of kid. Anybody have any thoughts on this? I don't want difficult child to grow up thinking there's no consequences to actions and so continue to do these behaviors, but then again, I don't even know how much of this is in his control to begin with. Thanks
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Well... I can only tell you what seems to work better with my son. I'm working on it, because it DOES work better, it's just not easy.

    When you talk about "losing" TV, it's a reaction to bad behavior. And it's hard to turn it around to "earning" TV with good behavior.

    Dessert is a reward for finishing your meal, nothing to do with behavior at all otherwise. If you throw food instead of eating it, you didn't finish, therefore no dessert. (Then again, we rarely have dessert, so maybe I'm being preachy.)

    Last weekend, Jett lied about chores, and the video games and TV were turned OFF. He turned the TV on later, down to almost no sound so we wouldn't hear. He got caught when I went in to ask if he liked the apple bread I made and saw the remote on the sofa next to him, then the reflection in the window. BUSTED. I took the remote. Later that night, he was told "honor system" and that he had to ask before he played/watched, and if he was caught sneaking them, it would be a week without.

    He asked. I said not yet, ask me again in an hour. He forgot to ask for a while.

    If consequences don't work, maybe turn them around - behavior good, chores done, TV available???
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    The infraction was at school. He's getting consequences at school. Why do you feel that consequences at home are also in order? Oh, that's right, the rest of the family thinks they are in order. But WHY?

    The ONLY time I give additional consequences at home for school infractions is when I feel the school's consequences weren't sufficient. That translates into ZERO times I've issued consequences at home for a school infraction. Unless you count classwork and tests not completed in school become homework. THEN I can't count how many times I've done it.

    Anyway, I don't see what good a home consequence would do for a school infraction unless it was a closely related thing, like after school, he walks himself somewhere, but since he's proven to be a "flight risk" at school, maybe not allow the independent walking at home. That would be something relate-able, and a teaching about trust and responsibility moment, but otherwise, I see no reason for consequences at home if he got them in school.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Story of my life. I walk that fine line too. We want them to reach their potential and we have to try to help them if at all possible to learn that there are consequences (good and bad) for what they do or dont do. BUT when it comes to punishment that is directly related to the limits they have because of their disability I take a strong stand. My son would not participate in ANY school event, go on any trip, go to any party if I punished him by taking away those kinds of things. We have to look at the big picture and for children who can't do that at all themselves (much less many folks in their lives) we need to do it for them. I can count on my son loosing control even more when something fun like an afterschool activity or a school party is going on. I have warned school to never threaten he can't go (now, if he goes and disrupts it or is not able to be safe, he has to leave like any time his brain wont let him function well). It is just not fair. With all we have been going thru, I have done a lot of on line reading and the bottom line is if it is related to his disability, it violates his civil rights to take such things away.

    I have an article saved written by a psychiatric who used to believe in the whole straight behavioral method for doing things, then she had a couple of difficult child's. she tried the sticker charts, neg. consequences (punishment), time out, etc. all her bag of tricks. She now writes about difficult child's and how these things just dont make sense. Research does not support the use of such methods for difficult child's with these kinds of issues. When people use them they are being lazy and ignorant. There are other methods to actually achieve a change in behavior if the child has a potential for change. One of the questions I ask when I hear my difficult child is going to be suspended is, what is the goal of this suspension. They often will say well they have to show that they are doing something or other kids/staff/parents will think he is getting away with something. I remind them that it is illegal to tell anyone what you are doing consequence-wise anyway so unless they are ok with breaking the law they better have a better reason. They often get so stuck in their reasoning that they just stop answering and he still gets the suspension. I remind them that if they are telling anyone that they are doing something about it, they are lying. I also remind them that IF suspension would have ever worked for my kid, I would be the FIRST one to tell them to suspend him. They will say, well he will think he can get away with things. Even if he says that to their face, he knows it is not true because he gets dozens of negative consequences per day. Doesn't get to earn what he is working for, doesn't get to go to a class becasue he is not in green zone, doesn't get to have peer time, doesn't get to go to lunch, blah blah blah. As dr. phil says, How's that working for ya?

    I have no easy answer, I keep fighting the system and at the same time keep trying methods (a little bit of natural or rather logical consequences like if you wont get ready with a tv ON, then it can't be ON or if you use inappropriate language outside you can't be outside right now. ) If I have to threaten to take something he loves away because we are in a dangerous situation, like he is kicking me from the back seat while I am driving, I have learned to take away PARTS of things (again, if he has no hope and the world has ended, mine loses it like yours does...way beyond what is worth it-it is NOT a manipulative or taught behavior-it is their level of anxiety and rage issues). So I might say, you just lost one hour of NASCAR. There are times when, if he really turns it around, he can earn some of the time back by doing extra jobs, writing notes to me-works on his thoughts and writing at the same time-keeping calm for X amount of time, etc.... Just depends on the situation.
    I am sure many people will disagree with lots of this, but it really depends on the child.

    by the way for running away, I have told my difficult child, if he can't stay with the group or in the school boundaries then he will need someone to walk with him. If he says he wont I have said I will be the one to stay with him in school. He says that will be embarassing and no way he will do that. I have also said I can some and sit in a class if he needs help not interrupting the class. he really hates it if I say I might need to hold his hand.
    Do people chase your son when he runs....our staff have learned if he threatens to take off or starts to to just turn away...he is too chicken to really run. They dont give it the attention he is seeking. He used to think it was funny and it only happened when another kid said, lets run over here.... He hasn't done it on his own during school but has done it with Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers. Not for over a year thank heaven. So there are ways to work on it without a suspension which does not connect directly to the behavior.


    Thank you all for your thoughts. I agree that the consequences at school are sufficient. Buddy, I totally agree with what you were saying about taking things away for a limited time or giving difficult child the chance to earn some rewards back. They have to have something to motivate them. My difficult child has totally challenged everything I was so SURE was right parenting. It worked for my other two but they were kids with no real problems. I look back on judgements i made in the past - before becoming a parent of a difficult child- and shudder. NEVER again will I look at a parenting decision and make a snap and learn...:)
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    At least, not until you become a grandparent...


    LOL...I am a grandparent....forgot about those
  8. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    I like this.

    If Carson has a "bad" day at know, telling the teacher to SHUT UP, choking a friend, running away from school (oh yeah, he did--hid from the Principal behind a building for 15 minutes. The school almost called the Police)...I might only give him 30 minutes of TV/computer/Xbox time. Which is TORTURE for him. But Carson gets enough consequences at school right now. OCS. No recess. A visit with the dreaded and despised Principal. A call to Mom and then one to Dad. I feel that's enough.

    I always make sure I tell are being punished for this. Just so he doesn't "forget" and think he has NO consequences.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another here who doesn't consequence at home when he has received consequences at school. The only exception is suspensions. Even though I didn't always agree with all of the suspensions I didn't want difficult child to "like" one minute of it so I made him "do school" and other chores the entire length of the school day.
  10. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Ditto this. That is exactly what I did. Then, once the school hours were over and if difficult child 1 had complied all day, it was business (play) as usual.
  11. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I only punish for disrespecting his teacher or aide at school. That one surprised the teachers. I don't push homework. If he is aggressive towards other students I let the school handle it. If I don't think the school's punishment is enough I point out the natural consequences, but I don't make up more consequences. (If you hit the other kids won't want to play with you even if the teacher isn't punishing you for it.)

    We have so much behavior at home that I just couldn't double punish. He would never have a good day at home if I did.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Me too. Even though as you all know, I think they are a stupid form of discipline, I never contradict any adult in front of my child and my rule is if you miss the bus or school for behavioral reasons, no tv...and no electronics at all, no outside, etc. until the end of the day. He can read, do his word searches, legos, etc.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    i never punished outside of school for inschool stuff either. Unless it was a suspension and then I tried to make it as much like an in school suspension as possible. That was torture on me. I even refused to fight homework battles. Flat told them I had two kids with ADHD and by the time they got home from day care and I got home from work, then we had sports from 5:25 till at least 7:30, I had to cook dinner, the ritalin had long since worn off, I wasnt going to fight a homework battle. They needed to unwind, take their baths, watch a little tv, and then crawl into bed so they could get up for the next day.

    Then I told them like me or not, homework was coming off their list of expected things to do. I was only one person.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I learned the hard way not to punish outside of school for stuff that went on in school.

    One thing I can tell you about consequences.......... It doesn't always "appear" to be working. That doesn't mean it's not working, nor does it mean you should stop.

    Travis would do the same things over and over and over and over and over again to the point where it nearly drove me nuts. The consequences never changed, rules were rules. For a very long time I wondered if he'd ever get it. I mean I can't tell you how many times he'd finish a punishment for something and go right back and do it again. Let's put it this way, at 2 the boy spent more time on the time out chair than off the time out chair because I'd no more than let him off and he'd do it again or something else.

    Well, he did eventually. It just took him MUCH longer than the easy child child, MUCH more repetition of cause and effect for it to click with him. But it did click. If I'd given up along the way out of would probably never have clicked.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member you have met Hailie and Billie? LOL