My husband believes this e-mail will just contribute to their perception that I am oversensitive, etc., etc.
I'm with MWM---it doesn't matter who thinks what about you. We can't control what people think about us. That has been a very hard lesson for me to learn because I have wanted everybody to like me. I've been a people pleaser. Those are character defects I learned I have when I started working Step Four in Alanon. I have done and said things just so people will like me better. Wow, I don't even like writing that, but it is the truth. I have been told my entire life that I am over-sensitive. I read once that telling somebody that is emotional abuse. I know it has made me feel bad every time I have heard it. I have always felt things very deeply, and I think that is one of the things that makes me better at being a writer (my profession). But a lot of people don't like it. Now, I have lived out that quality in negative ways and that is the character defect part that I have been working on. Not that I have that quality, but how I display it.
Stress, you are who you are. You feel what you feel. All you can do is own that.
Where I believe our responsibility comes in is this: do we act on what we feel or do we realize that feelings aren't facts (Alanon)? That was a huge thing for me to think about and come to understand when I first came in to the program. I thought if you felt it then it was true. Well, the feeling is true, but the feeling may not be based in fact.
And so what, STress, if we make mistakes in how we behave. Who doesn't? The standard is not perfection. We are human and we are going to make mistakes, plenty of them. Let us be kind to ourselves when we do make mistakes and then that kindness turn inward will turn into kindness and compassion for other people (Pema Chodron, great author).
I will accept that my family is talking about me and our kids when I am not present and that I cannot change or control that. The hardest part is the feelings of loss, judgment from others, and constant drama of what happened lately.
Yes, I think people like to talk about other people, including us, because it makes us feel better about our own situations. "At least our daughter didn't do THAT..." It's too bad when any of us do it, because it just causes more separation between people, instead of connection and kindness and compassion and empathy. But we do. We are human.
And then it hurts so badly. And it adds to our isolation and our pain that we are already struggling so hard with. I know, I so get that. I've gotten to the point that I hate drama. Of any kind from anybody. I am now drama-averse, and I don't want to hear about it or participate in it.
I will hold my head up in spite of all of this. While I am the parent of an adult child with many issues and negative behaviors, I do not want to be defined by this.
Absolutely. You are not your child or any of your children. We brought them into the world and as adults, they have their own lives to lead. I try to think of my connection with my kids like my own connection to my parents. I love my parents very much but I don't have to have them in my life every day. They are there, in the wings, as part of my support system, but they are not even part of my day to day life. That is how it should be between my son(s) and myself. Having that comparison has helped me.
In reducing the emotional grip all of this is having on me, I will seek out ways to care for myself and enjoy my life going forward.
THAT is the best step forward, Stress. You seeing that fact is true progress. Now, make a plan and actually do at least one thing different to carry out your own life, your own happiness, and your own-self care, every single day. It will truly transform you and your life and your relationships. It sounds so simple and so well, even selfish. We women especially are culturally sensitized to NOT doing things for ourselves---we are supposed to be just there for everybody else. But I do not believe that is true. I am not a selfish person and I don't want to be that way, but I do want to practice regular self-care. If I do, and when I do, I can give so much more to other people.
You are making tremendous progress through this difficult time Stress. That is when we grow, in the middle of discomfort and pain. I wish it were different. Best and blessings and hugs to you tonight. Keep moving forward.
