Could it be???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Oct 28, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    kt is definitely showing signs of maturity here at home. However, at school, she's been dropped 2 levels for a sassy, disrespectful mouth & for leaving the room when frustrated.

    Where I live with kt, it's a hugely different story. kt told me last night that she is tired of the "anger" that comes with her tantrums. "Tantrums tire me out mom & don't get me anything". You think?

    "No more tantrums for at least a month, mom." I'll take that one ktbug - I really will.

    She actually sat down with me & had a one on one conversation about her body. She doesn't like how it's changing. She doesn't like how boys treat her because her body is changing. "Mom, I just want to be a young lady & have fun". I've talked with kt's Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker & PCA; they will be taking kt out clothes shopping so she can be fashionable & modest at the same time.

    kt equates fashion with sexy/slutty like you tend to see on television. I don't bring these clothes into the house - these clothes tend to show up after respite.

    Having Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker & PCA (much younger ladies than myself) to show kt fashionable yet modest clothing will help. (I'm too old fashioned - something out of the dinosaur era.)

    The other component, however, is standing up for herself. Not allowing these young men talk to her in the way they are (can we say sexual harassment - it's being dealt with). I told kt that no matter what, she is to hold her head high; that she is kt & the best kt she can be. No one can hurt her emotionally, unless she allows it. Never be alone with someone who makes you uncomfortable - in fact, it's best to stay in groups.

    All this out of my 13 y/o, going on 4 (many days). I'm not so cyncial that I don't believe what kt is saying to me. I'm weary enough to know that her emotional state is fragile & I'll have to really watch this situation.

    I'm not venting, really. Looking more for advice from you experienced mums with young ladies in this confusing time of life.

    (Could be that she needs to stop playing quarterback on her school's team - she's darned good though.)
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I do not have any advice, my kids are all younger. I just wanted to congratulate kt on realizing how her tantrums make her feel, and the both of you for being able to talk about it in a healthy matter. good job
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think it's impressive that at this point kt isn't inclined to go along with the crowd head first. Which is something most 13 yr old girls tend to do before they start to figure things out for themselves.

    Sounds like what you've been teaching kt has been sinking in to some level. Which is a good sign, most especially given her background.

    From my own experience with abuse, the whole not liking the way her body's changing and how boys are treating her....well I shared that one. It made me so uncomfortable that I shied away from boys in any dating sense til I was about 16ish, and even then I tended to pick boys I felt were "safe". (yeah, I did the opposite of what most psychiatrists say to expect)

    While kt might think the skimpy fashions she sees are all the rage, and they might be at school, she may find that she is uncomfortable wearing them no matter how fashionable they are. I know in high school I couldn't wear much of what teen nowdays wear cuz I'd have been too afraid of the attention it would've drawn from boys.

    None of this had anything to do with the fact that I was still attracted to them. lol

    I had a rough time socially thru school from kt's age upward. In so many areas I knew waaaaay too much more than my peers. Yet in others I lagged way behind. (on purpose, I didn't really want to grow up)

    Lucky for me I had my gramma to give me the solid foundation your giving to kt.

    Awesome advice. Somewhat similar to what gramma told me. :smile:

    As far as the clothes...Stick to your guns. You can have fashion that's not trampy. Both my girls managed it. They didn't have a choice. lol Anything that didn't meet with Mom's critical eye suddenly disappeared mysteriously. :rofl:

    I think you're doing a wonderful job with kt.

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I think you're doing the right things for her age and maturity level. It really is hard to have a young woman's body on a young teen. There is a lot of confusion and conflict.

    Be prepared that what you consider modest and what is considered modest in today's fashion world are planets apart. It really is the style to have straps showing (the more the merrier). Short is in.

    As to football, I'd say let her play as long as she wants to. kt's vocal enough to let you know when she's ready to quit. Don't make this decision for her, just let her know you'll be behind whatever she decides is right for her.

    With my daughter, I would point out whenever I saw something positive on TV regarding gender/dating issues. I'd things like, "I'm sure glad that girl isn't letting that boy walk all over her." and the like. Sometimes it would lead to discussions, sometimes a wall of silence. Either way, I do believe it helped her see that she didn't have to do things she didn't want to do. It seems to have worked so far.

    Oh, and GO KT GO!! Hope you succeed in no temper tantrums. Remind her that if she blows it, there's always tomorrow as a day to start over.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Getting the PCA and Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers to help her with clothes shopping is a great idea. Is kt aware that the harassment is being dealt with? It's important that our girls know that not only is that behavior wrong, but the idea that it is wrong is enforced by the caregivers (parents, school personnel, etc).

    I also do what MB spoke of regarding having discussions on what we see on tv since so much of that false culture is emulated by teens. Highlight the positives and have a discussion over the not so positives.

    That kt is willing and able to talk to you about these issues is huge. Wynter will not talk about them with me. While in the waiting room at the doctor's office last week, I noticed that there is no way her bras can still be fitting her. I delicately asked her if her bra felt like it fit or if it was uncomfortable and she tried to crawl inside herself. I got her "The Body Book for Girls" (I think that's what it's's put out by American Girl). I have seen it once since we got it. I know she's read it, but she hasn't talked about it.

    We have to be diligent and keep our eyes open.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I completely understand how hard it is to find and encourage modesty. Jess is having trouble because she looks at least 16 when dressed nicely. Her figure is stunning, but she is very uncomfortable with it. Lately she has been asking if her outfits are OK because she was given some pants that were WAY too low cut and I didn't realize it until she was out of the car to choir. I made her put on a jacket around her waist - she was out of the car and tugging on the back of the pants, then asked me to take her home - NOT possible to get back in time for choir. The jacket tied around her waist helped. She even put it in the car to have in the next "crack emergency" as she called it.

    I do my best not to make comments on other people's clothes and to comment and to home about outfits on TV that are appropriate. I also sometimes point out young women on tv that are unhealthily skinny. four young women I commented on from various commercials were all featured in articles about young women in the media with eating disorders. This is another concern here.

    I think as long as kt is willing to speak up to the boys (as much as she can) and will tell you or teachers or someone when she is being harassed, football is just fine. It encourages a healthy life and gives her something to talk about with the guys that is NOT gender related.

    I hope kt can be mostly tantrum free - 1 day at a time!!

    Hugs and sympathy!

  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Having Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker & PCA (much younger ladies than myself) to show kt fashionable yet modest clothing will help. (I'm too old fashioned - something out of the dinosaur era.)

    Hey WOAH there TL......That Wilma Flintstone was ONE SEXY cartoon character and dressed modestly. So was Betty Ruble. And have you ever seen Racquel Welch in clan of the cave bear? WOAH don't be knockin' yo'sef mama...word and (crossing my arms and making my fingers do something unnatural that looks like I'm attempting to talk to the deaf, not mos' def, just hearing impaired)

    Bah bu bu chu.....fashizzle my board sizzle.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like you are handling it well. I do think it's great she talked to you about her tantrums!
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I sometimes think we're on the right track - kt, on the other hand, will prove me wrong on a semi regular basis.

    However, I'm taking these signs of maturity as a positive. kt is aware that the harassment she has felt is/has been dealt with. This gives her confidence in the long run. It also makes her aware that she must be careful of what she speaks/accuses someone of.

    I'm sorry Star, the PCAs & Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers just have way more fashion savvy than I have right now. I'm 50, feeling & looking 70. I'm just along with the credit card.

    As you know, I can get very excited about these type of talks with kt - we all can with our little wonders. In my case, I take it a day at a time. The blocks can come crashing down at any time with kt & I just don't like getting my hopes up too high.

    I'll enjoy it while it's here. I'll support, praise & hand out allowance while kt is doing her chores, not tantruming & all in all making good decisions.

    After all, she is my ktbug!
  10. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Glad to hear about kt. Sounds like she has a good in to make friends with the boys (football). If she can get a solid footing in friendship maybe that will help as time progresses. Clothes are a battle for me with difficult child 1 even at 17. She is a larger girl and still wants the tight stuff. Trying to get her to understand that won't work is a battle. Good luck where the clothes are concerned.

    Over the years with easy child she has brought up some of those interesting topics out of the blue. I always catch my heart and then proceed cautiously. Glad kt will talk to you about this stuff.

    Hope it continues.

  11. Penta

    Penta New Member

    I think the fact that kt is talking to you is a very good sign. My girl would never talk to me or any other professional as a young teen until she connected with a therapist at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Now, she is very open. But, it took her a long time.

    Even if kt slides back at times, the maturity you seem peeking through will emerge again and grow stronger as time goes by.