Daughter on opiods

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Weary Mother, Feb 2, 2017.

  1. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    I am posting in this forum and hope that it is ok to post here. I have a daughter who has been on prescription opioids for several years. She suffers from depression and has had problems all her life being responsible for herself. She procrastinates, does not follow up on important matters, can't keep a job, etc, etc. All of her depression, prescription drug use, procrastination and stuff causes her to be very dependent. She is 46 at this time and I have encouraged her all I can, tried to get her to file and follow up with disability which she says she filed, but does not contact them to see where the case is at (she does have many health issues which is why she is able to get the opioids and other stuff like anxiety medications). At this time she is alone in a state 500 miles away, long story short she became homeless last summer after a fight with her oldest daughter over the behavior and due to that was ordered out. She went to live with her youngest daughter 500 miles away who has been on disability since age 7 due to mental issues (they diagnosed her at that age with severe bi-polar). HER daughter has many issues, but the important thing is she was pregnant at the time and has since has had the baby. My daughter had worked for a few months after going there but lost her job due to her illness and depression, so was babysitting for the 5 mo. old baby boy. To make matters worse, I believe my daughter has some form of agoraphobia, so she does not make friends well and does not like to be alone but also does not want to get out and mingle either. Also she seems to have no desire to make her life better, nothing that she wants to do. She says she does not want friends because they all lie and can't be trusted but at the same time is very lonely. So, all of a sudden her daughter announces that she no longer wants to be a mother and is going to take the baby to the fire house unless her older sister (the one that booted my daughter out and lives here), comes and gets the baby, so the older daughter gets in the car, drives 500 miles and gets the baby. Now my daughter is in an apartment, alone, no job, no friends, no car and is very depressed. She is using the anxiety and sleeping medications and sleeps a lot. She has put in applications for jobs and has an interview Friday in a nursing home but my worry is she has attempted suicide 2xs before and is not responding to my calls well. I am trying to keep tabs on her and am aware that in her mental shape she is at risk. This is just the latest in a long string of drama that I have had with my adult children, and would appreciate input from anyone here that has any thoughts. By the way, I do know I can't fix her, I have been in this game long enough to know that she has to want the help, but I am having issues with my own ability to handle this. The family suffers from these issues and it is hard to completely detach and just not think about the risk of her committing suicide or worse. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is so tricky to answer. I so value you as a warm, completely loving soul. My only .02 is to that all you can do...all the power that you have...is your emotional support snd love.

    I have a suggestion. It works for me so take what you like, if anything, and leave the rest. I have learned to stay in the Present, to quiet a once busy mind. It helps not to write stories of horror in our minds. Each day stands on its own. Right now matters. It is our only realty. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a present. The way you are dealing with these issues now do not serve you well so maybe it is time to try something different?

    I have found meditation amazingly helpful. That taught me to quiet my mind. It took time but I can do it often now.

    Much love to you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
  3. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Somewhere: Thanks so much. Your advice is correct and I do know this. It is just so hard to sit and do nothing when fear is so high. I try so hard to manage my worrying, but it is persistent and keeps me from moving on. What else could I try? You mention that the way I am dealing with these issues appear to not serve me, and I am not sure what other methods I could use. I do know that there is nothing that will erase this from my life, so therefore I have to suffer from the knowledge of what is happening or just harden my self and ignore it. I think I don't know how to let go totally and just accept the outcome. I feel that if she were to kill herself, I would feel I should have done more. Many others may have this feeling, I can't be the only one. I know I can't change her, how do I change how I look at her? How do I accept that if I do not try my best, and something happens to her I will feel terrible?
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Weary Mother:

    Your adult children are not yours to fix. I feel so badly for you that you are suffering so much yet everything that is happening is out of your hands.

    I do not recall if you go to therapy but if I were you, I would. I did for a long time weekly and it really helped me set boundaries and put everything into perspective, including MY own life and preservation. I lost my therapist but plan to take her recommendation for someone new to see monthly. My son is stable now but I need a security blanket.

    I don't know what else you can do really or should do which is the more important question.

    You aren't going to live forever and your children will most likely outlive you and have to make it on their own. That's what I think of at times and it puts things into perspective for me.

    Hugs and we're here for you!
     
  5. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    RN: yes, you and somewhere are right. I post this stuff knowing that I need to hear about detachment, but really suffer guilt thinking about what will happen to her. She really is not handling her life and she does not show any interest in having a good life. She is the most depressed person I can think of. That scares me a lot. And yes for the last 5-6 years I have seen a therapist. As we all know, it can help but not erase feelings. Only help change actions. I cried myself to sleep 2 nights ago worrying about her. I did not try to rescue her but cried in my pillow late at night, not only for her but the little 5 mo. old boy that was nearly taken to the fire house and given away like a basket of food. I know I am depressed and am trying to listen to the advise here so that I can manage better myself. How hard it is sometimes.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wrary Mom, there is nothing you CAN do. Your daughter knows where to go if she is suicidal.

    I used to thik that not over thinking about things I worry about would jinx my life and make things worse, like a superstotion. But that made me crazy and didnt help anything. Since you really cant help anyone you are worried about, it is good to learn to cope better. I had tons of therapy. I learned methods pf detaching that I did not know existed. Some did not help. Some did. I am not the same person who had so many swirling thoughts constantly scaring me and making peace impossible.

    My.mind is quiet now. Look up mindfulness and dialectal behavioral therapy. Its for borderline, but works fpr anypne. Its different than just talk therapy.

    If a nut job like me can change, anyone can :) i still have a 39 year old problem "child" and Goneboy who left ten or more years ago and has never come back. And I never met his kids. That hasnt changed.

    But i also have a great husband, three wonderful kids and an amazing grandchild and my dumb, easy job that I love, my hobbies, my groups, my spiritual awakening that keeps me optimistic...you must have great people and things in your life too.

    You can not be responsible for ypur loved ones, even though you want to. We have no legal or magical power to help or change them.

    Keep posting. We are so on your side!
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Yes. I agree.

    For me, it is not just the objective difficulties with my son, and the problems that seem to come my way. It is the age itself: being old. I always had problems and challenges, but it seems my ability to tackle them, or my hope that the good thing will happen, is diminished. My stamina and tolerance are diminished.

    I know that depression is quite common in the elderly. I never felt elderly before. I felt young! And then, all at once, the problems became way worse, (with the death of my own mother), and I felt old. Which more and more I believe is a state of mind.

    That I can change.

    I have begun to walk again. I am only at day 3 in a row, but this one thing has helped me feel more hopeful. I look forward to it. My initial goals was to walk enough to lose weight, hopefully, building up to 2 hours a day. That will be 2 hours a day that I will feel better, because when I walk I cannot feel sad.

    There is a book called Walking the blues away by Thom Hartman, that posits that walking, running is an age old mechanism to deal with trauma. He talks about the physiological process that underlies this phenomena.

    I believe that this is the fundamental issue that brings all of us here to CD. The resistance, reluctance, inability, failure of our children to thrive. And how we come to grips with this, so that we can live again.

    Reading different threads you will see that this is the case. I can think of not one person who posts here about their child, who does not suffer in the main from this one thing.

    While we may seek to respond to one different problem after another, the underlying problem is the same: My child is in danger or suffering and I am unable to help him/her and I am going down, too. I feel it is my fault. I feel it is my responsibility. Etcetera.

    The answer is always the same: The realization that our children are living lives that are distinct from our own. While they were children we felt it to be the same life, theirs and ours. When they become adults, a separation must be made in our own minds: called detachment. And this is what we struggle with when we come here. And keep struggling.

    Detachment for me does not mean that I detach physically from my son, not speak with him, live close to him, support him--but that I detach from the sense that my own life and his are inexorably linked, in terms of feelings, responsibility, control.

    It is a struggle and it is hard.

    It helps me to remember that life is not meant to be happy, not for me, or anybody else. Life at its best is productive and meaningful. The operative words, at its best. Every person has to find their own way. Because each person is different. Each journey is different. Your daughter's journey is her own.