Daughter woke up in hotel room... no clue how she got there.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Feb 15, 2011.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Here I am again.

    Wishing I had a counseling appointment tomorrow, but wishing worse that I could just check out of life for a bit. I'm truly exhausted with the drama. Truly.

    Still working on my parents to break their enabling cycle. The train seems to have least slowed. Possibly stopped, maybe even in reverse. That's good.

    Basically daughter has admitted she's a daily pothead. But not "addicted" - just needs it to stay sane (even though the other day she told her grandpa she uses coke, too). Pretty much every night she's out using with someone.

    At any rate, last night my husband gets a call. She's been in a fight. She sounded lucid (probably coked up, not slurring drunk yet). They shared 1 more phone call, then a text. Husband told her to leave where she was and get home. Usually if there's a fight, there's going to be more.

    We were worried, but know there is nothing we can do. We are helpless. At least we can admit this now.

    This morning I get a call from my mother. She's looking for advice on what to do (this is a step in a better direction - them not jumping at her phone calls, but thinking it through). She said my daughter called, awoke in a hotel. No clue how she got there, no recollection of the prior night's events.

    As grouse as that scenario is, it didn't really shake me much. It's become par for the course. Sadly. I told my mom I'd call my daughter, who has been known to make up painfully intricate lies simply to snag a ride from my parents. My mother was grateful.

    Daughter's story held when she talked to me. She sounded a bit disoriented, concerned. But not so out of it that she wasn't able to get up and leave, go to nearby Target. She ascertained that she didn't know how she got there, who she was with, but she obviously wasn't alone (there were condoms). I asked if she thought she was assaulted. But there's where things are gray. She says she was concerned, but this was pretty NORMAL, these kinds of things happening to her (getting used, getting raped, assaulted, whatever). Who knows?.. Did someone slip her a pill, or was she using so much she blacked out?

    I told her it was highly abnormal, either way. But frightened with the situations she puts herself in daily and how they lead to results like this.

    At any rate, my parents did go to pick her up, but only if she went to the ER and had a kit done, testing, etc. Not to simply take her home and drop her off as normal. When they go there, she refused. Got in the car, threw a fit (called me 3 times, called her dad at work, said horrific, vile things in front of my parents).

    Somehow my parents stood ground, though and the end result was that she got out of the car, they gave her $2 for the bus and went back home.

    I have no idea where my daughter is right now. She says she's home taking a bath. She said she didn't go to the doctor. I don't even know what to think or say or do. Again, my helplessness is evident. I feel like rushing over, taking her to the ER, but I can't. I can't do the drama. I can't leave my other kid who is sick at home alone.

    My mind is solid, but my gut is working with what must be going on in my subconscious. I'm worried. Concerned about what is going on with her, concerned she will try to harm herself. Concerned for everything I don't know. Tired of being helpless, knowing that's what I'm stuck with.

    Venting here. Needing to go back to my regularly scheduled programming soon.

    I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster and trying to eat soup without spilling it.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, sweetheart... I can only imagine what your stomach and brain are doing right now... That feeling that you should be able to do something at war with knowing you shouldn't do anything...

    And if she refused to go to the ER? Your parents done good on this one... Even the $2 shouldn't have happened, but you know what? $2 won't even buy decent coffee anymore. So not a big issue.

    More hugs. I don't have any advice, but I'm here.
  3. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I really don't know what to say. Sending hugs.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My heart is aching for you. I simply do not understand why these kids choose to put themselves into these situations. Situations we would never dream to put ourselves in! :(
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Good Grief! I feel for you and am so sorry that she is so dysfunctional. It is a blessing that you can disengage when necessary and terrific that the grandparents stood their ground. That's a big step forward for them if I recall. Hugs. DDD
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have any good advice bean but I know exactly how your gut is feeling. I wish we could change the choices our kids make.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you have to know about this and worry about her. Blackouts are super common among those who use drugs and alcohol. It is also a very handy excuse for addicts who don't want to deal with repercussions of their actions. One of the biggest problems between my gfgbro and I is that I flat out refuse to tell him all of the things he has done to me while supposedly in a blackout. I don't believe that he lost all memories of the horrible things he did to me. I am sure he blacked out some of the things, but he wasn't always drunk or high when he abused me. At this point I have worked through a fair amount with therapy and I know that it isn't good FOR ME to keep dredging it up. If I did tell him and he believed me, he would likely kill himself. he just is not and never will be strong enough to handle his actions. Then I would have guilt and a huge load of blame from my mother over him hurting himself. Just. Not. Worth. It.

    Your parents are making HUGE HUGE HUGE strides!!! I hope you can share how proud you are with them at how they are changing to suit the reality of your difficult child. Do you think either of them would go to alanon or narcanon with you? It would give them some real support other than you, as well as letting you know more of what each other thinks. Just be srue that you go to some meetings with-o them to work on issues between them and you also.

    I am so sorry that she won't learn from this and is doing this to herself. At some level she hates herself for this, but she will continue to hide behind substances and intoxication rather than dealing with her problems.

    given hte amt of sex she is having, with or with-o her consent, pregnancy is a very scary reality. People who are intoxicated RARELY use condoms. If it occurs to them AND they are close at hand, they MAY be used. If they don't have one, often they go ahead and don't even stop to think that a baby or disease might be the result. You may want to discuss this with your husband and parents to see if you would be willing, together or separately, to pay for birth control implants or an IUD to prevent pregnancy - esp as you can be quite sure she is not likely to stop using if she gets pregnant (regardless of what she tells you).

    You might have to go so far as to pay her to do it, but it might be a wise investment as she is not likely to raise the child in a safe and healthy way and then the child would need you or your parents to step in or else you would have a grandchild in foster care or somewhere equally not what you want for a grandchild to face. Esp as many people/studies say that up to 90% of kids in foster care are sexually abused in some way. I don't even know if this is something that you could get her to accept, or that you want to be involved with, but I thought I would suggest it. Given the blackouts she is having, a daily pill would be far less than effective, esp as the low dose pills used today need to be taken at the same time every day - something that requires sticking to a schedule.

    Keep praising your parents for opening their eyes, get to alanon/narcanon regularly - with or without grands, and take care of YOU. Pick some activity to help distract you from stewing over difficult child. Vent here all you want/need.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm sorry for you honey - Really sorry. And having been here with adopted daughter years ago. I'm going to throw out for consideration what we went through. We would get the call.

    'Momma? Can you come get me I'm at Motel 8.'
    'How did...never mind. UGH...(again) which one?'
    'UH the one with the pancake place in front, and across from the BiPolar (BP)...I can see that.'
    'YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? AGAIN? DEAR #*#(*. OKAY GIVE ME 45 minutes that's on the other sideof town."

    So I get there - and do the - 'we need to take you to the ER' speech too. And of course K throws a bloody fit. BLOODY - screaming, yelling, kicking my car.....like I've kidnapped her....threatening to roll out of the door and opening the car (to which I tell her - do you want me to push you? and I speed up?) UGH...shut the danged door. And I take her smelly person home. She's high, she stinks, and she's ungrateful. The round trip ride is over 1.5 hours. She gets out, slams the door and flips me off. I tell her she's lovely - and leave.

    This goes on, and on, and on - each time - we threaten to take her blacked-out self to the ER. I call her BIO Mom and say "This has got to stop." Bio Mom agrees but says I'm the only one she'll have come get her morning, noon, night....and finally I decide that I can't do this any more. Then one night - before a very tragic incident -------she calls and says in slurred, drunken words, she's "done', but cant remember where she is...the guy is gone, and she's crying. Can I come get her? Her Mom won't. Her Friends won't. She hates everyone. Can't anyone understand her? I said I would, and hung up and called 911. I told the police that she had no idea who had been in the hotel room with her, she was under age, drunk, high and possibly been raped. Cops don't take NO for an answer as to taking you to the ER for a rape kit. I told them her Mother couldn't do anything with her. They did a rape kit, called her Mother, Mother had to go to the ER. And Mother took her home. They also told her they would arrest HER for false report next time for conscentual sex.

    Later K would admit that she had EVERY clue she knew where she was and who she was with - she just needed a ride. THAT's why she went so berzerk when we mentioned the ER. She didn't want to get the guys in trouble because a lot of the time they were married. ........Just something to keep in the back of your mind.

    I'm so sorry...Huge hugs
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I was just discussing with Youngest last night, the time back in high school that she called me from someone's home... she didn't know where she was, she was disoriented, borderline incoherent, and was telling me she thought she had had or would have a seizure. She said she'd taken something but wasn't sure what it was. It was terrifying for me.. I kept telling her to put someone on the phone who would tell me whree she was, and I'd come get her.. but she just...hung up. I think she finally showed up at home a few hours later, reeking of alcohol. She told me she doesn't even remember having done that, 5 years later now. She doesn't remember a lot of things that happened during that time.. either because she's blocked them out, or because medications and seizures have truly affected her memory. Heck some of my own memories are fuzzy, there was so much stress and constant drama back then.

    It's an incredibly helpless feeling, I know. It's also downright exhausting and emotionally draining. It does sound like your parents are really making some godo progress in their own detachment which is wonderful news. Hang on to those positives... sometimes that's all that got me through the roughest times, looking for any positive or "silver lining" I could find and cling to.

  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hard as it is...if it is not stressing her out....don't let it stress you out. I am thinking like Star just said, half the time it is all an excuse to get the ride.
    If she is concerned, then be concerned.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    These glimpses of Kanga's future absolutely terrify me.
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Good god!! I know exactly what you mean though about the head doing one thing and the stomach doing another!! If these difficult child's could only realize what they are doing to us, but then again, they are doing much worse to themselves, but just don't get it!!
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say. Hugs and prayers going out.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My basic problem is I know this from both sides.

    I was the kid who woke up from a black out in the middle of Times Square. Remember, I lived in Richmond VA at the time! That was one heck of a black out...lol. I ended up wandering around some really horrible areas of NYC for over two weeks and it is a darned wonder I am alive today.

    Now I watch it as the parent. Of course, after everything I did, no one can get anything past me!
  15. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Janet, I think that helps me and husband at times, too. We were both difficult children growing up and looking back on some of the things we have done is pretty scary and it is a wonder that we are both fine today. I think that helps us have hope. We have hope that our difficult child will pull through it all and end up successful in life as we are.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I honestly think......if kids don't put down the video games and get outside and start playing with other kids and running in sunshine, and exploring, and riding bikes and swimming and things like that? We are doomed. too much information has really taken over our children. If they had little access to TV, Computer, cell phones - they would HAVE to hang out together outside, and create games - sounds archaic - but at least THEY would have imaginations.
  17. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thanks everyone. Really rough day yesterday. Tried my detatchment stills like the dickens, I tell ya. :sigh:

    I really don't know what to think, and at the end of the day it doesn't matter, honestly.

    My husband talked to her last night, she was already drinking. Every night it is something, now. Hard to think/admit/fathom that at 19 years old, she's a daily user. Hard to fathom all of the circumstances that surround her obsession/addiction to use.

    Listening to my husband's conversation with her on the phone last night was just like listening to a conversation from two years ago. Not a lot has changed. Very sad. She seems to want to brush everything under the rug regarding yesterday. Ignore it, make light of it. My husband suggested going back to the hotel, finding out who rented the room. She immediately made up a whole story about what happened. She's a stellar liar. Not just to everyone else, but to herself. We'll never know if she remembers and is ashamed, or if she doesn't remember and is ashamed of that. Yesterday she said to me that she thought there was more than one guy there with her.

    Sometimes I have to wonder if she has a perversion of sorts. I hate to admit or think that out loud, but she almost seems to relish putting people through uncomfortable situations dealing with her sexuality.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    This is K all over! OMG - all over. K started at 14.....Yup....and the things that would come out of her mouth? WOW.....It was supposedly done to give that all over "I'm a woman,,,listen to me, I drink, I have sex, I do this, I do that, I'm all out for that....OH I do that, I can do it with 3 men, I do that." and you would just sit there while she would jump in on private conversations with grown women and interject her "KNOWLEDGE" of sexual relations.

    To me? At first I sat there and well - honestly HOW do you NOT sit there with shock and blatent jaw dropped on your face? Her Mother of course was VERY promiscuous, and the whole famdamily was - 'open' so to them this was a little 'early' but for the most part 'normal'? "I was just floored. So imagine her surprise when I told her I waited till I got married. SO SQUARE. Yeah - well you're a ........little ....did you ever go to church? ISH. sigh. LONG sigh.

    Anyway - once I figured out that Jezebell was just really doing this for attention? It became clear to me what her game was. I mean once you do this at 14 for attention WHAT do you do for an encore? I began tape recording her - then when she had moments of clarity? I'd set the tape down and play it back for her. She HATED that. Of course it was a lot of 'put on' she wasn't 'that drunk' most times - and a lot of the time she was really putting it on....like I said most of the times in later years the 'high' was sleeping with married men. THEY would rent the room and the reason she would cry wolf is because they couldn't take her home - WHAT if someone saw that little so and so in the truck with him? Divorces were expensive....so she would pretend the "I don't know where I am" game. Or if she got bored - 2 or more. And I'm sure there was money involved or later drugs. When booze and drugs got involved - I knew because she'd call the day later - because the maid had come in and told her TIME TO GO. Or pay for another day. AND she was cranky. When we suggested the ER because of her MEMORY LOSS? Oh she'd come unglued. THAT's how we knew - either ther were VERY illegal drugs in her system because they WILL do a blood test or the man was married.

    Eventually? Her little game cost her - she was taken out on a country road, gang raped repeatedly by three men, and left. She was beaten but not badly, and the men were never charged. She knew who they were, and tried to press charges - but with her reputation? Five years of being the town ****? Yeah - make that stick. And that's exactly what was brough to court that if she pursued this? They already had statements of OVER 100 men who would come to court and swear they had sex with her and that the sex had that night was not forced. It was paid for. She dropped the case, has been arrested twice since for shoplifting, and something else - bad checks maybe.

    Since then? She's had 2 children that she does not take care of - both premies - she's lost 4. Her Bio mother finally quit running around because she's had to raise both her girls. I haven't had much contact with her in about 5-6 years, she did graduate with an associates degree - but she's a mess. I told her if she ever got herself straightened out - to come see me. So far? No visit. She's nearly 30 -

    When I have run into her? She can't look me in the eyes, has nothing to say much.....I just tell her I love her, and hope that someday she realizes that she has the ability to continue to do great things....

    Maybe with the modern age of video phones - you should video tape your daughters little tyrades once and play it back for her? People rarely like to see themselves act.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bean my difficult child is so much like yours. And she has lied so many years that it just comes natural to her now, even about things she doesn't have to lie about. I am terrified she will get pregnant one day. That would be disasterous for both her and the baby. She says her biggest fear is to be kidnapped and raped and yet she does everything she can to make that a reality. Even without the drinking/drug problem she has a huge sexuality problem.

    I know the panic you must be feeling knowing she is drinking every day and completely out of control. I'm not very good at detachment, I hope you're better than I am.

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, let me tell you, the lifestyles they are living will lead to kidnapping and rape. It happened to me and I wasnt even doing something particularly dangerous. Just walking home from school with a friend. It isnt fun.