Daughters Psychiatrist Gives up now what

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mommindy, Nov 12, 2015.

  1. Mommindy

    Mommindy New Member

    My 19 year old had been battling anxiety and depression for 5 years now. She has tried most medications and refuses therapy. It started at age 14 when she was diagnosed with a carcinoid tumor.After she was medically cleared she returned to school and was beaten by a new girl in school. After that she started shutting down. She was institutionalized once which seemed to make things worse. She graduated from high school using home bound program because she could not make it through class. Now she works 12 hours a week and spends days locked in room texting and watching you tube. She has no friends and no interests. Today her Doctor of two years said he gives up. She needs to want help. I am terrified for her future and don,t know how to help. Tough love? I am trying to stay calm I feel she resents me because I have been battling breast and cervical cancer myself. It takes attention from her.
  2. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Mommindy -- Wow. That's a lot you have going on there all at once. First, know that your health deserves attention first! There's so much I don't know. But I can share this with you (in support of you).... When our son was struggling mightily 3 years ago (he was 22, homeless, addicted), I also was diagnosed with cancer (Stage 1, Grade 2, atypical endometrial cancer). I told our son I needed at least 3 months away from drama (and I actually asked him to stay away....that if it got really bad I'd be in touch) while I had surgery and did radiation.

    I took those 3 months off and, to his credit, our son complied with my request. No extra drama. It was a little crazy because those 3 months away from the drama were exquisite! In fact, that's when it really hit me how hard loving and raising our troubled kids/adults can be.........I found the surgery and radiation easier to handle! No kidding. What a mind-blowing sensation that was.

    Take time for yourself, Mommindy. You deserve it and, frankly, it is YOUR turn! She will survive. It's YOUR turn to survive. I hope your cancer is receiving good treatment and that you are doing well.

    You are not selfish to want (and need) to survive! Even your daughter will know this. If not immediately, then eventually. She will.

    As for her doctor, I'm sorry to hear that. Hoping she finds either the hope, the courage or the new doctor to gain new strengths or nourish already-known strengths.

    All best wishes to you, Mommindy. Take care and take time for you!
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  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Mindy

    Please, please, take care of yourself first! You deserve it.

    I am sorry for your daughter. But, there is not much you can do for her if she is not willing to help herself.

    How are you doing?
  4. Mommindy

    Mommindy New Member

    Thank you so much for the encouragement.I just worry so about her being able to take care of herself. She has alienated her older sisters and without my husband and I she has no one. Also I don t know how to encourage her to get her life together. Doctor feels therapy would help and we forced as a child but at 18 she refused to go. She is almost 20 but her psychiatrist feels she is stuck at age 14.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Many of our adult kids want to hide away from life and not grow up. I don't know if there is a common thread running through their thought processes on this or if they each have their own unique reasons, but being able to do what they want when they want seems to be a Difficult Child theme. Some use drugs or alcohol. Some have mental/emotional issues.

    Some people have had to gradually increase their young adult's responsibilities in the home, mandatory medical/psychiatric attention, and work/school requirements in order for them to continue to live at home. I don't know if you are up to that right now, with your medical needs.

    Can dad step up and take over this responsibility? Sometimes hearing it from someone else makes a difference.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Mommindy, You have so much on your plate, dear, battling cancer. Please take time for yourself and draw in deep breaths. It is hard enough having good health and dealing with d cs. Welcome to the site, and sorry for your need to be here. Life and our d cs can be overwhelming and cruel at times. Still there is a goodness to living. I hope you are able to find peace and hold on to hope.

    She needs to want help. This is what my hubs said to me yesterday after a difficult moment with our eldest. It is so true. Your daughters doctor has not given up, he has given in to that realization. I do not think doctors like to give up. If a patient will not help themselves, no doctor in the world could make the difference.

    Dear Mommindy, you don't know how to help, because deep down inside you know you cannot.
    She has to want to help herself.
    Yes tough love, with ourselves, too. We have to have tough love on ourselves and our tendency to over-help-to enable. There is a very good article on detachment in the PE forum page. I read and re-read it to give me strength in my resolve and convictions.

    This is not a normal reaction from a daughter (even stuck at 14) for her mother who is suffering. It is cruel and selfish, MM.
    Please do not allow your daughter to do this to you.

    If she was able to accomplish the program, she has it in her to succeed at other things.

    How about you MM? Have you tried seeing a counselor, to get help for you? I went, it was very helpful. The therapist knew of resources to suggest for my D cs, too. Perhaps if you haven't tried this route, you could and get some suggestions for your daughter?

    It must be hard, due to her ailment at 14.
    You wrote the doctor felt your daughter is stuck at 14, I think the same of my two, but that is due to teen pregnancy (15), and the other, alcohol and drug use (13 or 14).

    You haven't written a signature, if you go to your home page on the top under information, you could do that. It is helpful to others to know a little more about you, so that they get a better picture.

    Keep posting MM. It helps to have a safe place to vent. I pray for relief, answers and comfort for you. You need all the strength you have to take care of your health.

    I wish I had more guidance for you, but others will come along and share.

    You are not alone MM.
  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I found out something interesting there are ways to treat someone who does not want to be helped yes it was very strange to hear that but there are actually treatments for that. Their quite aggressive ways but there are I mean it makes sense their are some mental issues that simply do not let the sick person to want help so of course treatments where made for this kind of people.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    @A dad : Could you elaborate on what kinds of ways there are to treat someone who doesn't want to be helped? In my corner of the world, as in most of North America, there are no options that I could find.
  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    There is actually a volume that elaborates more on that in The British Journal of Delinquency you can download it from the internet if you want.
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I read your post with interest. How are things going with your Difficult Child? How are you doing?