Daughter's trouble with friends

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Mom of one, Jan 2, 2017.

  1. Mom of one

    Mom of one New Member

    Hi there
    I searched the Internet on teen friend issues and it brought me to a post here from 2012. While that was helpful for me, I thought I'd see if anyone has advice for me, as I am at a loss.
    My daughter is 14 and started high school this year. She has had trouble with friends (in my view) since grade 3. The year usually starts out ok and before Christmas goes downhill to the point of her having one casual friend. We switched schools for grade 7 and it went very well at first. Then, everyone turned on her and downhill it went again. Friends of mine said high school would be better with the larger number of people from different schools. This year did indeed start out fantastically! In fact, it did all the way until New Year's Eve. She had a group of friends who went to the mall together, came over, hung out at school together, etc. Then two days ago they all left her. She was very upset but told me she thought maybe it was for a good reason and told me that some of the girls in her group were doing weed. She is very innocent and naive and does not like that but wouldn't judge them either. While she sounded mature and accepting I could see that she is still very upset and worried that she won't have friends when they go back to school. Also, her boyfriend broke up with her today...ugh.
    I have seen these issues with friends and have taken her to counsellors over the years - all of whom see no issues. Is this just normal? I don't see it with other girls - they seem to stick together? She always seems to be the one kicked out of a group. I, myself, am having a very hard time with it. I had a complete meltdown when she went to her dad's today. I am hurting for her and am also thinking I've done something wrong. I was luckily able to get a counselling appointment for myself for this week. I want to be appropriate for my daughter and not add to any issues. I just want to help her!
    Thanks in advance for advice and insight.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't see the problem at all. I never liked groups of friends and always just had a bestie. I would be more concerned if my kid seemed too precocious for her age and started smoking weed than rejecting kids who did it. Seriously, it sounds more like your problem than hers. We're you an outcast in school and you assume your daughter wants to be popular? Popular can be dangerous.

    A girl doesn't need a boyfriend at 14. I feel it's better if they hang in groups at that age. My kids are all 20 and older. My youngest went to many baby showers in high school, although she always thought the pregnant girls had ruined their lives. Seriously, there is no rush. With boyfriends comes sex these days and young teens do not think about protection. Or STDs. I raised two daughters. Trust me on this. Boys don't think about it either thus pregnancies and herpes at young ages.

    How are her grades? Any extra curricular activities, including sports? This is more important in my opinion at fourteen than having weed smoking friends or boyfriends. Or New Year's Eve drinking parties.

    My suggestion would be that you get counseling to find out why your daughters social life gives YOU meltdowns. You will be happier, and daughter will be too, if you stop worrying about your daughters social life and found your own activities. Let her grow up. She is extremely young. Is she your only child?

    Lastly my youngest, at your daughters age, was very anti pot and was vocal about it and wouldn't hang with anyone who smoked pot. I was proud of her. At 20 she and her boyfriend don't smoke weed and in 1 1/2 years or so, she will have graduated from the Police Academy. She is a very cool, well hounded and loving young adult.

    Please.. don't push your daughter or you may get more than you bargained for. Daughter will feel anxiety over not being popular if YOU talk about it with her and if she senses you are worried. Let her grow up. These days it is best not to rush these things along. She needs a goal in life first; a passion. Hugs and well wishes.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2017
  3. Mom of one

    Mom of one New Member

    I was hoping you would reply! I saw a couple of other posts and thought you sounded very wise!
    I only found out about the pot-smoking the night everything fell apart with her friends. I am very proud of her for realizing she doesn't want to be part of that, but it wasn't her dumping them - they dumped her. I think she would have come to that realization in time though.
    I am not upset about her boyfriend breaking up with her - only that it has all happened in a couple of days.
    My concern is more about her being the one dumped by friends all the time. I just don't understand why it keeps happening. She has talked to me about wanting to hang with the popular crowd and I've told her that being popular is not that important. I just want her to have friends - good ones.
    I was bullied by boys in junior high, so it might play a part in my worries. I always had several girlfriends though (with normal on and off times) and am still friends with them.
    She is in dance, swimming, and at school she is in basketball.
    She has perseverance to say the least. I think it's great, but I wonder if she gets too pushy with people and they dump her because she gets to be too much.
    I am happy to hear that you wonder what the problem is! It does bother me that she doesn't seem to be well-liked. Should I just let it go?
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Welcome!

    I will say this is very common at this age. I for one usually had many acquaintances but one or two very close friends.

    I have two 16 yr old boys...and they really only have one or two friends they are close too...although girls are high on their list..lol

    It hurts me too at times..but, they are also anti drug...as you can see why by there brother, it also they are GOOD friends...I ha e found of many teens know how to be any more.

    Celebrate your daughter for her character, her traits and diversity..so much more important than any popularity contest. I'm sure you feel for her because you love her so much. It she sounds like she's gonna be OK!

    Keep communication open...Good Luck!
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes. Let it go. When my older daughter had friend trouble she decided drugs were the answer and she used them. Her drug use quickly made her, as she put it, the most popular girl in school. She is an adopted Asian girl and beautiful...I'm sure that helped but not in a good way. Until she used drugs nobody said anything to her about her beauty. She was just very quiet.

    Popular doesn't mean well behaved, focused or even nice. Girls have their own rules. There are different crowds. The most accepting crowd for new members is the outcast/rebel/be angry at the world crowd . My oldest was shy and this bad crowd was the only one open to her after we moved. She did quit drugs but as it went on in high school we so wished she was back to her shy self...The one who was very sensitive so that her friends thought she was too naive and kept dumping her. She was happier than when drugging and popular!

    Teen girls are mean and most of us had social problems as teens. I feel it is far more important at that age to learn who you are and think about what you want to do with your life. When your daughter is older and hits her stride she will decide what kind of permanant friends she wants.

    Often the girl who gets dumped just isn't druggy enough or sexual enough for a crowd, at least in the teen years. Crowd mentality can be dangerous. You follow the crowds often dangerous rules or you can't be a member. Then you can end up on our forums of Subtance Abuse or Parent Emeritus for parents of drugs addicts and adult kids who have no ambition and won't work and smoke pot every single day (very motivation killing).

    Relax and she will relax. Oh, and thanks for calling me wise...Lol. if I am, it was a hard battle from despair to peace!! I have learned not to stress too much and to go with life's flow with gratitude.

    My best advice is...You have a good kid. Don't make her think anything is wrong with her, let her talk to you but do not over react and get therapy for yourself. No child likes a helicopter mom...Lol.

    Hugs to you. Keep us posted.
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2017
  6. Mom of one

    Mom of one New Member

    Thanks and hugs to you both!
     
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    One thing I've noticed at our school is jealousy and hatred of girls who carry designer handbags and have cool clothes. At other schools, you're a nobody if you can't afford the Louis Vuitton, etc. I have seen groups of girls kick out another girl over that. Also, the kids who don't drink or drink only a little seem to lose their friends over it, even if they have been close friends since jr. high. Kids mature more quickly or more slowly than others. That causes conflict.

    If your daughter has a boyfriend and her friends don't, or if she's allowed to date, but they aren't, you can guarantee they are going to kick her out of their group.

    I am a teacher and see this all the time. It is so hard for kids that age.
     
  8. kim75062

    kim75062 Active Member

    Welcome!

    you have a very smart daughter for being able to not fall in to the peer pressure trap (mine completely would of followed in with a group of "friends") ! be VERY proud of her!

    My daughter is the same age. She has had problems making friends since forever.... She is very immature for her age and not the best with common sense. She has a had a few friends over the years but they all seem to mature at a much faster rate then her. I can say that she is not to bothered by it. She has some cousins out of state now that we moved that are close in age and they text all the time. and she has quit a few online friends from video games.

    I wouldn't worry to much about it. I was also a loner and didn't turn out to messed up lol