Brief background DD1 was pretty stable on Wellbutrin and paxil. Then she started having depressive episodes once a month, then it was one every two weeks for 6 weeks and then BAM! 2-3 per week. Episodes would last a few hours with crying, feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and thoughts of death. As they got more frequent they got more intense with more talk of actual suicide as opposed to wishing she were dead. She had been out of counseling for a while, so I got her back in, and went to get medications tweaked. psychiatrist suggested removing Wellbutrin and adding Abilify, but if ins wasn't gonna pay (and they didn't) she got risperdal. First 5 days on half dose were fine, but then she had a "creepy" episode. It was essentially her depressed episode, but no crying, no sadness, just matter of factly stating that she was stupid, she should be dead, how she planned to achieve that goal.etal. I wanted to stop the new medications then and there, but we weren't into full dose yet. Turns out full dose made her need at least 13hrs of sleep. Brought her home from school because she was actually snoring at her desk. OK done. In the meantime, I switched her insurance plan to one I knew would pay for Abilify (son is on it and worked great) So she gets Abilify and the Paxil is also upped from 10-20mg The first evening on Abilify she had an episode that scared the living s*** out of me It was very similar to the "creepy" episode but she got aggressive as well. This time she eventually "snapped out of it" and went into depressed, crying, why did I do that? She could not remember everything that happened and said that while it was happening it was as if she were in a trance. It took a while to console her and calm her down. Afterwards she apologized (without prompting) for 'that' behavior and thanked me for being an awesome Mom. So maybe Abilify won't be good for her, but should give it at least a few more days. Next day she flipped from creepy to normal to depressed several times over the course of 2hrs and was normal again by bedtime. (by the way all of these episodes were happening after 6pm including the earlier depressive ones) After that everything seemed to be great. Better than any normal we had experienced before - until tonight. Only two weeks. Detailed description of the latest type of "episode" Everything seems fine. Getting dinner plated for the girls and DD1 has her feet on DD2's chair. DD2: Can you get your feet off the chair? DD1: no DD2: Can you get your feet off the chair? DD1: no DD2: Mom can you ask her to move her feet? Me: Sweetie can you please get your feet off the chair? DD1: no I didn't even have to turn and look, just form that one word, I heard the change in her voice, flat, monotone, emotionless. I turned to look at her and her eyes are dilated, flat, dead, like dolls eyes (thanks Jaws for a good description) I move around the table to physically move the feet off the chair and then just suggest to DD2 to sit in the other seat. DD1: **** that means I have to look at her now. Me: If you moved your feet you wouldn't have to, so now you gotta live with it. So, what do you girls want to drink? DD2: Tropical juice DD1: Stupid juice Me: Huh? DD1: You heard me, stupid juice Me: That doesn't help. We haven't designated any liquid in this house as stupid. DD1: Water DD2: Why is water stupid? DD1: Because it's for ppl that are to stupid to pick a flavor I pour the juice, then just look at her with my mind racing Me: Sweetie, are you OK? (I know she's not) DD1: You stupid There have only been a handful of these episodes so far but I've learned (praying I'm right) that if I can manage to get hugging on her I can get her to "snap out of it" sooner rather than later, so I walk around the table and give her a hug. Me: Oh sweetie I love you I start giving her nonstop kisses on the cheek and forehead DD1: What is that? Me: Kisses, because I love you DD1: No you don't, you hate me I stop the kisses, and am just hugging her and looking into her eyes and face. DD1: You f*****g stupid I gently grabbed her face. It was gentle, but definitely a grab Me: DD1 you know that language is not acceptable She picks up her fork and fists it as if to stab me with it. After staring right at the fork (it was level with my eyes) for a few seconds, I turned my head behind hers, and hugged harder. She dropped the fork, went almost limp and burst into tears DD1: Why am I doing this? (through her sobs) I assured her I loved her, she said it back, and I told her to finish her dinner. She did so with tears in her eyes. Whole thing lasted 5 maybe 10 minutes. When I got her alone, I started asking her about it. Was it the same as last time? Yes. Did she "feel" it coming on this time? No. She didn't want to talk about it. I went into the usual spiel of how I understand it's tough, but the more information we can get from her the better we can help her. So I finally asked a question that it never occurred to me to ask: WHY don't you want to talk about it? "It scares me" So to nip some questions in the bud: The girls usually get along FABULOUSLY. Sure, they will have some disagreements, but they are really good friends. DD1's voice was flat and monotonal the whole time. No indication of any emotions. I was calm and sweet - you may have thought Florence Henderson had possessed me. Under normal circumstances (if she were angry) I would have immediately shut her down for her attitude and choice of words. Im almost not sure which is creepier her creepy episodes or how calmly and patiently I dealt with it. So, does anybody recognize/identify with this? What is this? Theres a cynical, distrusting voice in the back of my head suggesting that shes making this up. Playing me, manipulating me, seeing what she can get away with. But then I remember that its not just me. The episode when trying risperdal, she was talking with her brother. I was just observing she didnt even know I was there. The extended episode on the first night of Abilify, her brother babysat for a few minutes so I could go to the bathroom, fall apart, and collect myself again to see it through. As I relieved him, he was like, Its as if she has that multiple personality thing I assured him she doesnt but it sure is similar. Oh, there is some comic relief to this story: After we were all calm and back to normal I had to go next door to fix the neighbors computer. She came with me because she wanted to play with the dogs. Yeah, I wasnt leaving her home alone with son and DD2 at that point anyway. So Im at the computer, and I didnt notice her enter the room. In my frustration with the easy child I blurted out, What the H***? from behind me, comes this sweet voice, Ah, Mom, the H word. (the kids always correct me even on the mild words if they cant use them then I shouldnt either) I just busted out laughing! She didnt get it. She asked why I was laughing, and I reminded her about dinner. She still didnt get it. Remember? You, the F bomb? Mom, I have no clue what youre talking about I had to start laughing again or I was gonna burst into tears. Insights, comments, musings are all welcome. I've run the gamut of emotions dealing with all three of my kids, but I've never been this scared.