BusynMember
Well-Known Member
So Sonic, now eighteen, has entered the mental health system and we don't know why he can't control his urge to do certain dangerous things, such as taking out the car with no license or stealing small amounts of money for food or overeating. Today I found out he was deemed officially "disabled" by the state. Thank God! He needs the services and the help and we can not live forever.
But this knowledge has me in a funk. Ok, those of you who HATE self-pity, this is a warning. I don't usually indulge this way, but today it seems out of my control. I am looking back through all the years when I raised my kids, my decision (with both of my two husbands) to adopt, and with what has actually come of devoting my entire life to my children. I see so many people who did not try as hard or worked all the time or were dismissive or even abusive...and their kids stick near and dear. This is not the case here. So did I waste the best years of my life? I think about this from time to time.
Sports Fan is 34 and my biological son with my only grandchildren. He lives in MIssouri and is not good about checking in. He was a hard child, self-centered, he is still self-centered. I know he loves me, but we aren't close. My grandson lives two states away and I don't know how well I'll ever know him. He is also a handful. I sense a budding difficult child. My son calls me the most often when he is upset and needs comforting. He inherited a lot of my mental health issues. When I was pregnant, I spent ten weeks in the hospital for suicidal depression. Hormonal changes are usually not my friend. It was then that me and ex decided not to try to have any more biological children. And so we did not.
Scott came at age six from Hong Kong and everyone knows my story about him. He doesn't want to see us. It's like I don't even have a child from Hong Kong. I doubt I'll ever see him again. I am used to it now, and am not even sure I want to know the person he has become, but I spent many years raising him, loving him, trying to give him a good life. What a waste (at least on my side).
Pastry Chef is doing pretty good. I actually feel close to her, although she is in Chicago. Still, I wish we lived closer and could be closer. We can only see each other four times a year or so. I really wish she could be closer, but she has a good job where she lives. She see's her SO's mother far more than she sees me. Yes, I know. Do I need some cheese with my whine???
Sonic...well....things are worse than we'd hoped.
Jumper is my sunshine. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her one day too. Not lose her like I lost Scott. More like the way it is with Sports Fan or Pastry Chef.
Of course current hub and I adopted PsychoKid when he was eleven and that was a total nightmare. He still haunts us although he is officially no longer in our family. He IS on Facebook though and still uses our last name. I doubt it is due to any attachment to us...he has no ability to attach. He IS married with two young daughters who he will probably sexually act out on, the same way he did to Sonic and Jumper. He is supposed to sign up as a sexual predator but hasn't (we checked). We could turn him in, but don't want anything to do with him again. We are all afraid of him. It would not shock me if one day he is on the news for murdering somebody. Don't know how many animals he killed while he was with it, but we know about two for sure...
My one consolation is my husband. No matter that he's a man (which I consider Special Needs due to gender), he loves me and would do anything for me, but he's three years younger than I am and not retiring anytime soon so we can't just decide to have fun together. He's busy. Money is tight. I do appreciate him with all my heart. I also have a really deep appreciation and special feeling toward my two daughters. I don't know what I'd do without them.
I am so heartsick and worried about Sonic. That is probably what kicked this up.
I had wanted to have a lot of children because I felt alone. My family of origin is horrible and distant. My parents were terrible. I know I've been a far better, more loving, caring parent than the two of them. Yet I still feel sometimes (like now) that maybe I'd have been better off without any children or if I had stopped with my son and not lived my life so completely for my children.
To those here who have been supportive with this new development with Sonic, THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART! A big extra hug to (who else?) SusieStar.
Does anyone else ever wonder if it was worth the ride? I don't usually feel this self-pitying and I have to visit a friend soon so I'm sure I'll be better once I'm out. But every so often....I wonder. I love my kids to death, but still....sometimes I get so burned out, I just wonder. Was it all worth it?
Love to all.
Pam
But this knowledge has me in a funk. Ok, those of you who HATE self-pity, this is a warning. I don't usually indulge this way, but today it seems out of my control. I am looking back through all the years when I raised my kids, my decision (with both of my two husbands) to adopt, and with what has actually come of devoting my entire life to my children. I see so many people who did not try as hard or worked all the time or were dismissive or even abusive...and their kids stick near and dear. This is not the case here. So did I waste the best years of my life? I think about this from time to time.
Sports Fan is 34 and my biological son with my only grandchildren. He lives in MIssouri and is not good about checking in. He was a hard child, self-centered, he is still self-centered. I know he loves me, but we aren't close. My grandson lives two states away and I don't know how well I'll ever know him. He is also a handful. I sense a budding difficult child. My son calls me the most often when he is upset and needs comforting. He inherited a lot of my mental health issues. When I was pregnant, I spent ten weeks in the hospital for suicidal depression. Hormonal changes are usually not my friend. It was then that me and ex decided not to try to have any more biological children. And so we did not.
Scott came at age six from Hong Kong and everyone knows my story about him. He doesn't want to see us. It's like I don't even have a child from Hong Kong. I doubt I'll ever see him again. I am used to it now, and am not even sure I want to know the person he has become, but I spent many years raising him, loving him, trying to give him a good life. What a waste (at least on my side).
Pastry Chef is doing pretty good. I actually feel close to her, although she is in Chicago. Still, I wish we lived closer and could be closer. We can only see each other four times a year or so. I really wish she could be closer, but she has a good job where she lives. She see's her SO's mother far more than she sees me. Yes, I know. Do I need some cheese with my whine???
Sonic...well....things are worse than we'd hoped.
Jumper is my sunshine. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her one day too. Not lose her like I lost Scott. More like the way it is with Sports Fan or Pastry Chef.
Of course current hub and I adopted PsychoKid when he was eleven and that was a total nightmare. He still haunts us although he is officially no longer in our family. He IS on Facebook though and still uses our last name. I doubt it is due to any attachment to us...he has no ability to attach. He IS married with two young daughters who he will probably sexually act out on, the same way he did to Sonic and Jumper. He is supposed to sign up as a sexual predator but hasn't (we checked). We could turn him in, but don't want anything to do with him again. We are all afraid of him. It would not shock me if one day he is on the news for murdering somebody. Don't know how many animals he killed while he was with it, but we know about two for sure...
My one consolation is my husband. No matter that he's a man (which I consider Special Needs due to gender), he loves me and would do anything for me, but he's three years younger than I am and not retiring anytime soon so we can't just decide to have fun together. He's busy. Money is tight. I do appreciate him with all my heart. I also have a really deep appreciation and special feeling toward my two daughters. I don't know what I'd do without them.
I am so heartsick and worried about Sonic. That is probably what kicked this up.
I had wanted to have a lot of children because I felt alone. My family of origin is horrible and distant. My parents were terrible. I know I've been a far better, more loving, caring parent than the two of them. Yet I still feel sometimes (like now) that maybe I'd have been better off without any children or if I had stopped with my son and not lived my life so completely for my children.
To those here who have been supportive with this new development with Sonic, THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART! A big extra hug to (who else?) SusieStar.
Does anyone else ever wonder if it was worth the ride? I don't usually feel this self-pitying and I have to visit a friend soon so I'm sure I'll be better once I'm out. But every so often....I wonder. I love my kids to death, but still....sometimes I get so burned out, I just wonder. Was it all worth it?
Love to all.
Pam