good morning to everyone,
it's a rainy grose sunday a.m. here in new york, i can se the sun trying to find it's way thru the clouds. yet id rather it rain then i have an excuse not to do the pile of laundry or go food shopping, etc.
i've been struggling for past few mos. now. as many do. alot of things hit me at one time i became incredibly overwhelmed by it all. between moving in august, then my family disowning me in august due to us moving, then the kids both with various issues, issues in our relationship boyfriend and i. now fighting with doctor's for testing, etc. fighting with older difficult child, all sort so stuff.
my therapist has said i'm depressed so did psychiatric. yet i'm trying to steer clear of medication's for myself because of all i have coming up with little difficult child and i don't wanna not have a clear head ive never taken anything except for xanax on occassion. i began having anxiey attacks when my baby well my almost 9 year old started going off the charts. i'd get on train in the morning knowing how far away i'd be from here and have severe panic attacks then at work as well. always waiting for the nurse to call. wondering what trains i could get out to go to her. being in lock down mode for a period of time when i know she needed me. it's a horrible feeling. i'm getting that feeling again i've been home for while now not at office tmrw i'm supposed to go in i can already feel the nervousness coming over me at the thought of getting on a train and being 2 hours away from her and nowmy older difficult child who is having severe pro blems. it's like a mental block.
my boyfriend and i sat last night we were supposed to go out when he got home but i was too tired it was 11 p.m. he owns rest. and my body can't always handle his hours. so he began ripping into me calmly at first then got pretty intense with it. regarding me how i've been not taking care of myself. we haven't been together that long so he started asking me when was the last time i had physical, got mammo i have various issues in that dept. that have to be monitored regularly, etc. i started telling him and he said ok right now while all this is going on you need to take care of you. i said i don't know what that means. he said the only time you get a hair cut is when you get the kids hair cut. you seem to feel guilty to do anything for you. i said yup that's how i feel guilty if i take me time at all ever. he said you'd better start taking care of you, i've had lump in my breast for several months this is par for course with me. i've already had partial masectomy and it wasnt' even cancer, various ican't even think of word right now when they test it for cancer.
so anyway he said iknow by tmrw you'll forget all of which i'm saying to you. i started to cry and he said oh man i've made you cry again why are you crying. i said because i'm sad, it's sad i used to be such a vibrant happy positive person. i used to get up in the morning full of life excited to start my day that's not who i am anymore. i have my good moments and i do what i have to do but it's different its like a little cloud over me duling it all out most of the time. sometimes i feel disconnected from it all, my judgement's off at times. i think of her testing date stayign far away in hotel alone with her it's weird i feel like ica'nt trust me anymore like i used to be able to all the time.
now see what i'm writing and posting weird thing is this will change in little while once i force myself to load up truck with laundry have another cup of coffee and get down to business. al i want to do is take a break lay on couch watch movies not stress about anything. not get our house ready for the hectic week coming up with five kids in it monday and wednesday.
oh well such is life it just always feel like there's a chore to be done, groceries to buy which i have to do that as well. so basically my last free day with out little difficult child who is with dad older one is home with me will be spent running around doing laundry food shopping carrying heavy bags up and down stairs. i have bad back too so i'm sure i'll be in pain tomorrow.
sorry to be so gloomy on a beautiful sunday morning. oh and another thing alot of people say i seem to be exhibiting my little difficult child's behaviors. isn't that strange? her old pyschdoc said it, boyfriend said it a close friend.........
thanks for letting me vent once again it helps
jenn
it's a rainy grose sunday a.m. here in new york, i can se the sun trying to find it's way thru the clouds. yet id rather it rain then i have an excuse not to do the pile of laundry or go food shopping, etc.
i've been struggling for past few mos. now. as many do. alot of things hit me at one time i became incredibly overwhelmed by it all. between moving in august, then my family disowning me in august due to us moving, then the kids both with various issues, issues in our relationship boyfriend and i. now fighting with doctor's for testing, etc. fighting with older difficult child, all sort so stuff.
my therapist has said i'm depressed so did psychiatric. yet i'm trying to steer clear of medication's for myself because of all i have coming up with little difficult child and i don't wanna not have a clear head ive never taken anything except for xanax on occassion. i began having anxiey attacks when my baby well my almost 9 year old started going off the charts. i'd get on train in the morning knowing how far away i'd be from here and have severe panic attacks then at work as well. always waiting for the nurse to call. wondering what trains i could get out to go to her. being in lock down mode for a period of time when i know she needed me. it's a horrible feeling. i'm getting that feeling again i've been home for while now not at office tmrw i'm supposed to go in i can already feel the nervousness coming over me at the thought of getting on a train and being 2 hours away from her and nowmy older difficult child who is having severe pro blems. it's like a mental block.
my boyfriend and i sat last night we were supposed to go out when he got home but i was too tired it was 11 p.m. he owns rest. and my body can't always handle his hours. so he began ripping into me calmly at first then got pretty intense with it. regarding me how i've been not taking care of myself. we haven't been together that long so he started asking me when was the last time i had physical, got mammo i have various issues in that dept. that have to be monitored regularly, etc. i started telling him and he said ok right now while all this is going on you need to take care of you. i said i don't know what that means. he said the only time you get a hair cut is when you get the kids hair cut. you seem to feel guilty to do anything for you. i said yup that's how i feel guilty if i take me time at all ever. he said you'd better start taking care of you, i've had lump in my breast for several months this is par for course with me. i've already had partial masectomy and it wasnt' even cancer, various ican't even think of word right now when they test it for cancer.
so anyway he said iknow by tmrw you'll forget all of which i'm saying to you. i started to cry and he said oh man i've made you cry again why are you crying. i said because i'm sad, it's sad i used to be such a vibrant happy positive person. i used to get up in the morning full of life excited to start my day that's not who i am anymore. i have my good moments and i do what i have to do but it's different its like a little cloud over me duling it all out most of the time. sometimes i feel disconnected from it all, my judgement's off at times. i think of her testing date stayign far away in hotel alone with her it's weird i feel like ica'nt trust me anymore like i used to be able to all the time.
now see what i'm writing and posting weird thing is this will change in little while once i force myself to load up truck with laundry have another cup of coffee and get down to business. al i want to do is take a break lay on couch watch movies not stress about anything. not get our house ready for the hectic week coming up with five kids in it monday and wednesday.
oh well such is life it just always feel like there's a chore to be done, groceries to buy which i have to do that as well. so basically my last free day with out little difficult child who is with dad older one is home with me will be spent running around doing laundry food shopping carrying heavy bags up and down stairs. i have bad back too so i'm sure i'll be in pain tomorrow.
sorry to be so gloomy on a beautiful sunday morning. oh and another thing alot of people say i seem to be exhibiting my little difficult child's behaviors. isn't that strange? her old pyschdoc said it, boyfriend said it a close friend.........
thanks for letting me vent once again it helps
jenn