Desperate for help!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by diana71, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. diana71

    diana71 Member

    I recently found out my 20 year old son is doing heroin. He claims he only did it twice but I found where he had needles hidden. The last two years have been a nightmare. He was a good kid and got good grades and a full ride football scholarship. Three months into college he dropped out and came back to our city and was staying with friends because I wouldn't let him stay with us. He stole from us and friends and I could tell something was way off with him. I found out it was pain pills. So he went to live with his dad out of state and that only lasted about 2 months and he came back with the promise he would get a job and go back to school. He never did either one. He can't keep a job for more than a month. When unemployed friends or dealers want to hang out he calls in sick and after a few times he always gets fired. He doesn't help clean up and his room looks like a dirty storage room. Anyway, long story short I knew he was back on or still doing the pills but had no idea about heroin till I found the needles. We had a very long talk and he agreed to go to rehab but I had to get him insurance first. It took not even a week and I told him last night they verified the insurance so you are going tomorrow. He changed his mind. He doesn't think he needs help now. I told him last night that he has till 4:00 today to change his mind and if he doesn't then he needs to move out. I am tired of things being stolen, kids I don't know coming over all the time, the mess he leaves for me, the disrespect....I could go on and on. He totalled my car and I didn't have full coverage on it so now I have no car and I have to carpool with my husband. I am hoping once he realizes he has no way to even eat with no job, no car, no license to get a job. Oh and he has a warrant out for violation of probation. He was on probation for possesion of marijuana and never went to probation. He used the money I gave him for the fines to buy drugs. My husband and I fear he will break into the house and steal everything we have. Is throwing him out the only way? My husband told me he is going to leave me if something isn't done soon. He is my sons step dad and they don't get along. This is consuming me. I can't concentrate at work and I cry all the time over it. He went from a good student and athlete to a drug addict almost over night. Am I doing this right?
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Diana. Just have time for a quick response. I'm truly sorry you are having to deal with this issue AND I believe you are absolutely right. I know it is heartbreaking but he has the offer of treatment. He is a legal adult.
    If he refuses to go then perhaps he will "get it" if he no longer can have all the advantages your home provides. I'll say a quick prayer for you and your family tonight. DDD
  3. diana71

    diana71 Member

    Thank you for the prayers. They are needed very badly. He doesn't think I am serious about him getting out today. I am at work and I called my daughter to see if he was home and she put him on the phone and I reminded him he needs to make a decision and if he doesn't get help then he needs to leave and he started yelling at me in disbelief. I have a bad feeling I won't be able to get him out of the house without calling the police tonight.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Diana and welcome. Your story hits home because we have a daughter that progressed from pot and alcohol to opiates (pills) and finally to shooting up heroin. She overdosed on our living room couch. My husband found her in the nick of time and he and another person that was there at the time did chest compressions until the EMT's could get there and administer Narcan. They told him that if he had walked in the door two minutes later she would have died.

    When addicts progress to heroin it is just a matter of time until they overdose. You need to do something NOW while you still can.

    Mine is a long story that you can find if you use the search feature and enter kathy813. After the overdose, we hired an Interventionist to help us get our difficult child to a 3 month residential treatment center in another state. difficult child knew the eviction laws and refused to go during the Intervention so the Interventionist took us to family court and had us file a temporary protection order against our difficult child. It was granted by the judge on the basis that she was bringing heroin into our home.

    Once our difficult child knew that she had nowhere to go, she agreed to go to the treatment center. You are lucky that you have insurance. We had to pay everything out of pocket. However, it was worth every penny to me because I am convinced that it saved my daughter's life.

    After completing the 3-month program (and I believe that it has to be at least 3 months to be effective) plus the intensive outpatient aftercare, my difficult child stayed in the state where the program was. On the advice of her treatment team, we refused to let our difficult child come back here to live. We told her that she needed to build a new life clean and sober. She first lived in a sober house which we paid for while she got on her feet. She has been working at a full time job now for six months and is living on her own and for the most part paying her own bills.

    Nothing will change if you do not take a stand here and now. Your difficult child will not stop using drugs despite your pleas to get help. Think of it this way . . . you are not "kicking" him out on the street. He has a place to go. If he chooses not to go, then it will be his decision to end up homeless.

    Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the treatment program. Unfortunately, I now know much more than I ever thought I would about dual diagnosis treatment centers . . . particularly in south Florida.

  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    One more thing . . . have you checked the eviction laws in your state? Many of us (me included) were shocked to find that we had to go through a formal eviction process to make our non rent paying adult kids leave. My difficult child knew that and threw it up in our faces when we tried to make her leave (the first time). We called the police and they verified that she was correct.

    It is one of the many reasons we will never let her come back her to live. I never want to be put in that predicament again.
  6. diana71

    diana71 Member

    My biggest fear is that he will overdose. He says he rarely does the heroin but from what I have read it isn't likely that he is using "rarely" that it is so addictive it gets you hooked the first couple times you do it. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I blame myself. I keep thinking of where I went wrong.
  7. diana71

    diana71 Member

    I live in Texas and it is the same here. I would have to go to court to have him evicted. But he has a warrant out for him so if he refuses to leave I will call the police and he will go to jail. At least I know he isn't going to overdose while he is there.
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Sending more hugs and prayers for you and your son Diana.

    My young difficult child is also a pain pill addict...loves his alcohol too.
    My husband and I finally had to ask our son to leave our home. Our son had spent a yr in prison and was released last Decemeber 2012. I had so hoped giving him "everything" would be the answer. A fresh start with a job handed to him, a truck, a phone, his family over whenever he pleased, etc. but it was not enough. He decided to start drinking again and then came the pain pills again.

    I so hope your son will change his mind and decide to put himself in rehab. At least there they can learn some tools to help them cope and meanwhile stay safe.

    I know the pain, the fears, and helpless feelings that come from trying to "save" an addict that doesn't seem to want to be saved. Sometimes all you can do is let them hit bottom and then when they are truly serious get help immediately.

    This heroin thing scares me so much and I hope your son will reach out for help soon. I also hope that you might find an Al Anon meeting near where you live to get additional support.

    Take care of yourself.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Diana, I promise you that you didn't do anything to cause this! One of the first things that was shared with me when I joined this board ten years ago was the saying, "You didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you can't control it." The three C's helped me so much.

    Your son made the choice to start using drugs. You may never know the reason but unless you gave him the pills or stuck the needle in his arm it is not your fault. In my case, my daughter has mental health issues that caused her to self-medicate. She still has to take medications to help her stay stable.

    My other daughter is a high-achieving easy child. Unfortunately, I think my difficult child just got unlucky in the genetic gene pool as my husband's brother was bi-polar and an alcoholic.

    All you can do is stand firm and insist that he gets the help he drastically needs.

  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You are absolutely doing the right thing.... It is really hard and awful but sometimes that is what you need to do. We had to do this when my son was 18..... and he lived with friends, went to rehab, came back, lived with friends, went to rehab.... eventually he ended up homeless for awhile.... we have been through it all. Bottom line when things get too hard he agrees to go for help.... and now the court got invovled and he is now in a long term treatment ordered by the court and if he leaves he will end up back in jail. And as hard as it is to have a kid in jail, it is much better than homeless, and much better than overdosing!!! Really there is nothing else you can do. He needs to want to help himself, and the only way he may want that is when there is not other option. You absolutely need to take care of yourself. If you can find a support group such as alanon for parents that might really help. It has been a huge help to me.

  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I found that going to a therapist was a life saver for me (besides the wonderful members of this board). I really didn't like the groups that I tried but I know that going to Alanon and Families Anonymous has really helped a lot of our members. Personally, I found that being able to talk one-on-one about what I was going through was a lot more helpful. She helps me set boundaries with my difficult child.

    The point, though, is to take care of yourself. Whether it is finding a support group, posting online, or going to a therapist . . . you will need help and support to help you through this.

  12. diana71

    diana71 Member

    My daughter called me and told me he packed his things, said a bunch of mean things about me and left. A friend picked him up since he has no car. I hope he decides he wants help before it is too late. He doesn't have an ID even. This is tearing me apart. But you are right about you rather they be in jail than dead or on the streets. I know he is expecting me to try to find him but I am not doing it. I have to let him come to me and say he wants help. I have to be there for my 16 year old daughter. He has had every chance to have a productive happy life and threw every chance away for drugs. I can't give him any more chances. I really believed him when he told me he wanted help. Addicts sure are really good liars.
  13. diana71

    diana71 Member

    I think I am going to do both. I found an alanon group that meets tomorrow night by my house. And I am going to make an appointment to see a therapist. It feels like my entire life is being ripped out from under me.
  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sadly, all of us with addicts in the family can attest to that. Even though my difficult child seems to be doing well, I still don't really trust anything that she says to me. I also don't trust her around my things. When she was here for Christmas (her first time home since she went to treatment), I watched my purse like a hawk.

    My therapist says that I have PTSD and will take a long time before I can really relax and start trusting her again.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Diana you have gotten really good advice here from people who have lived what you are going through. You are so right, one does not do heroin a couple times. It is highly addictive and most often results from overuse of pain pills. I belong to a family support group for addiction and by far the drug most abused is heroin.

    When I was going through this I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, I physically hurt. It took a long time and a lot of support to be able to live with the choices my daughter was making. I am so sorry that you are going through this but you are not alone by any means and you will find by reaching out for help that there are so many really good people who are living the same nightmare. You did nothing wrong, you did not cause this and you cannot cure it or control it. The best you can do is be there when your son decideds he wants help.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Alanon has saved my sanity as I have dealt with my son's drug use, arrests, jail, rehabs and homelessness over the past three years. Very unfortunately this is a long long road. We have to completely stop before they can have a chance to take responsibility for their own lives. If there is still even one person to help it doesn't happen. It is the hardest thing I have ever done but I am convinced that stopping completely is the only chance he has and I have for sanity. It doesn't happen quickly---the ability to stop. It is an inch by inch and day by day effort but it does get easier with a lot of hard work on myself. Today my son is in jail and I have a growing acceptance. It is what it is. I have to accept life on life's terms and so does he. Prayers for you today.
  17. diana71

    diana71 Member

    Thank you all for your support. It is good to know I am not alone. I just pray that all our children get the help they need and turn their lives around. I hope I hear from him soon and he says he wants help. You all sound like very strong women. I pray we all can stay strong. If they only knew the pain we suffer from their choices. I am so incredibly sad tonight and pray he is safe.
  18. Apoe1984

    Apoe1984 New Member

    Keep your head up momma :) Everything will be fine.
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Diana, strength doesn't come overnight. I have been dealing with my daughter's substance abuse for over 10 years. It took me a really long time to get to this point and I still struggle with wanting to fix things for her when she makes bad decisions and has to suffer the consequences.

  20. Oh Diana i am sorry you are going through this. I so understand your heartbreak of a difficult child being out and waiting for them to reach out first. Many have given you good advice and i only wanted to say i hope difficult child comes to his senses and accepts help. My difficult child's drug of choice was/might still be using is marijuana and if you hear him tell it, he is in control and can stop if he chooses to. However, his use has led him to circles of friends that make me wince every time i think about it and also has cost him his freedom at some time in his life. Jail is good for the only reason that you know where they are but it is so so sad and heartbreaking for a parent when it hits you that the well mannered/good child that you raised is sitting in a cell with hardcore criminals because he is foolish enough to think a life of drugs is more important than anything else. Take care of yourself and the rest of the family and stay strong.