Desperately lost

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by CynthiaE, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. CynthiaE

    CynthiaE New Member

    Hi, My name is Cynthia, I am a 32 year old mother, I have an ten year old daughter who is the most important thing in my life. She is also, perhaps, the most trying.
    Do not get me wrong, I adore my daughter, but I am at a loss. I know that I am at a loss.

    Rugrat, which I will call her on here as that is her prefered nickname, is ADHD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), and SA, She also has Restless Leg Syndrome and must take medicine to sleep. She has attempted to run away three times now. She has rages that happen once every two weeks or so on a general basis, and last week was her worst week yet at one each day for two days. She tried to take off running tonight but my mother was able to grab hold of her wrist first before she could beat a path to the road (we live near a very busy highway and it's dark out there, nobody would see her and that is the road she has ran towards before)

    At this point, we have attempted to get into Family Guidance where we are and she has had a psychiatric evaluation, but we are on a waiting list (and have been for two months)
    We are at our breaking point.

    I don't know how to help her
    I want to help her.
    I've read and read and read and nothing I've tried works
    She is in anger management therapy that does not seem to be helping.

    She is now constantly snide, hateful, rude. She calls herself loser, that she's stupid, fat and ugly.
    I tell her no she's not, that she's beautiful, wonderful, and smart.
    She drew pictures to her teacher, and put on the bottom From The Loser

    I love my daughter so much, I feel like I'm failing her now.
    My biggest fear is that she will hurt someone else
    That she will hurt herself
    That she will run away and that I will never see her again

    I have lost three jobs because she has so many issues at school and they have to call me to come get her.

    I can't work, I can't do anything, I sit by the phone everyday praying that she will have a good day.


  2. Buglover

    Buglover Member

    Wow, I am so sorry. It is late and all the experts are probably asleep but I promise you will get lots of very helpful info in the morning. I am new here myself but I know that there is ALWAYS somebody who knows what to do and will walk you through what needs to be done to help the both of you, what questions to ask, etc. Get some sleep and you will have answers tomorrow. Sweet dreams to you both.
  3. CynthiaE

    CynthiaE New Member

    Thanks Bug, just frustrated and not sure I'm going to be able to sleep.
    Am worried about tomorrow, frustrated, and worried it's going to fall apart tomorrow all over again
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hi, C - and welcome...

    I don't have time for my usual "book" of questions and comments... it's late and I should have signed off long ago, but...

    To jump-start things for the others who will come along later or tomorrow:
    Mind if we ask a few questions?

    Who has given your daughter the diagnoses, and when?
    What was she like she was little? when she started school?
    Is she your bio child, or adopted?
    Family history of dxes?
    Who else lives with the two of you? Is there a parent involved who does not live with you?
    Has she ever had an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory and motor skills issues?
    Ever had an Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation for auditory processing?

    ADHD is an interesting diagnosis. It is frequently missed... and frequently diagnosed when it isn't quite the right diagnosis... AND really, really often comes with "baggage": other dxes are often comorbid with ADHD. So... the chances are pretty good that either this she is dealing with "ADHD plus a bunch of other stuff", or she's dealing with "something else that just looks like ADHD".

    What "looks like" ADHD? Well, for starters, APDs do (our experience... our difficult child is ADHD plus Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) plus other stuff). Others on the board started with ADHD and ended up with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or Aspergers. I'm sure there's a few other "transitions" that I don't remember right now.

    What goes with ADHD? APDs. Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD)/whatever other name or diagnosis you want to use for motor skills issues. sensory processing disorder (SPD)/Sensory Integration Disorder (SID). LDs. And those are just the really obvious, frequent ones that I deal with daily.

    Any details you can give us, will help other Moms see key info that ties to their own experience... so we can try and help.

    Meanwhile... if you're still awake, go have a nice soak in the tub (one of our collective "escapes") or something else you find relaxing. Part of dealing with our difficult children is learning how to take care of ourselves along the way.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard, Cynthia. Glad you found us. It's the wee hours of the morning and I'm drinking hot tea hoping I can break the coughing cycle. Just want you to know I'm not too swift, lol.

    We all have questions that pop to mind as soon as someone new reaches out. I see others have already asked some of them. I'm curious about when you recognized that she had difficulties and also am very curious how she gets along in school and other kids her age.

    I'll look forward to hearing more about your challenging daughter. You may get a bunch of suggestions. One thing, for sure, you will be welcomed into the CD family. Hugs DDD
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Hi, Cynthia. Welcome to the board. Can you tell us how your daugher behaves while she is at school? Is she good in school? Does she get decent grades? Does she behave at school the same way she behaves at home?
  7. CynthiaE

    CynthiaE New Member

    Hi Insane, thanks for the welcome.
    --I appreciate you took the time to stay up late and ask questions.
    You guys are free to ask anything that might be relevant

    The psychiatrist at Family Guidance (whom is a child psychiatric, two months ago, gave us the diagnosis of ADHD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), and SA.
    I also suspect that she is Depressed.
    As a little child, she was extremely bright, loving, smiling all the time, waving at people.
    She is my biological child
    No family history of dxes.
    Just me, her and my brother, who helps me raise her so she has a good role model.
    I do not think she's ever had an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory and motor skills
    or an Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation for auditory processing

    I know that they are doing a bunch of testing in the school

    At home she is bright, happy, smiling--on a general basis. She has her days where she doesn't listen and doesn't want to mind, but 99% of her behavior at home is appropriate. We do not have the melt-downs at home like we do at school.

    She has tried to run away three times, and been unsuccessful. The most recent was last night. We where able to catch her before she took out of the yard.

    At school she seems to become withdrawn, she believes her teachers hate her, her behavior there are frequent outbursts, hitting her teachers, cussing at them, spitting, kicking.
    She has not so far, hurt another child. I'm praying that never happens.
    I dont like that she is hurting her teachers, but I'm at a loss, these issues do not happen at home, the only issue we've ever had is her attempting to run off, and well, I'm not sure how to deal with that either.
  8. CynthiaE

    CynthiaE New Member

    Bunny, she is withdrawn, or extroverted to the point of yelling and screaming at the teachers, the school is very big on claiming that "No bullying" is going on towards Rugrat at school, even though she constantly tells me the other kids are mean to her.
    She also comments about how the teachers hate her, how much she hates school.
    At home, she is generally bright, smiling and happy---99% of the time.
    At school, i'm lucky if I get two weeks between rages
    last week, we had two rages in the same week.

    --does anyone have a guide for the difficult child,easy child, ecetera that you guys use?

    I did reach out to Circle of Hope in my Area yesterday, basically broke down on the phone a bit.
    It's been very hard here..I can't work, I've lost the last three jobs because of Rugrat's rages and being called to the school out of work.

    I feel like a wind could blow me away mentally, and I know that my frustration and helplessness is probably going over to her as well, but I have no clue how to break the cycle, for any of us.
    We are in waiting for a full time psychiatrist (their's a three month wait in our area)
    We're currently in 2nd Month.

    I feel broken...I can't imagine how she feels right now.
    Lasted edited by : Mar 14, 2012
  9. llamafarm

    llamafarm Member

    So sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I'm glad you found the forum and we are thinking of you. Many of us have experiences similar to yours. It is good to remember and to hear that you are not alone. I don't have much advise, just wanted to let you know I am here.
  10. CynthiaE

    CynthiaE New Member

    Thanks Llama, it's very hard, I feel very alone. Very very very alone. Nobody seems to understand the frustration and stress this is putting on me, not just her, and I know it's carrying over to her.
    I am hoping we are going to have a good day, I read some information about positive reinforcement.
    This morning she got herself up, showered, brushed her hair, and got herself dressed without assistance, as well as got her own bowl of cereal.
    Some mornings I have to fight to get her around, so this was wonderful.

    I gave her a hug, and of the things I read was about praising a child in the correct manner
    One of them was pretend to be a head cheerleader
    I put an arm on her shoulder, gave a quick squench, and brought out my inner cheerful.
    We also talked about how she thinks I pick on her about her clothing choices. We are making a deal that as long as her clothing is clean/appropriate for school& weather that I will not comment on it.
    I told her that if we had a good day today at school (it's in the 80's here)
    That I will take her to the park after school.

    Is it okay to reward good days at school? It seemed to help yesterday to let her run off her energy. Am hopeful will be same today.

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Morning, Cynthia. Many of us have worried about rewarding behaviors that for most people are just normal common sense. If I recall just last week someone posted a thread entitled "rewards or bribery". Each of us has to figure out the right combo's for our difficult children. In my family I overdid and then didn't do enough, lol. Most of our challenging children require known schedules to help them navigate their days. For that reason I primarily used positive comments as the motivator. Will this psychiatrist appointment. be the first one she has had with a chlld Psychiatrist? Has she ever been on any medications? Always more questions, lol. DDD
  12. CynthiaE

    CynthiaE New Member

    Afternoon DDD, I've felt like I've been using bribery, sometimes. It's a difficult balance. Too much or not enough. But at the same time I want to reward good behavior. I also enjoy doing fun things with her. Like going to the park and such, we use such outings as a reward that doesn't cost much. Is this wrong? It's a difficult thing to figure out.

    If she gets it, it will be the first beyond her beginning evalutation, but things are so desperate as it is. We had two issues today at school, but she managed to calm herself down by the time I got to school. She did a good job of holding her temper. A first for her.
    Their was no cussing, screaming, or hitting. It was a small..hopeful improvement.
    I can only pray tomorrow is the same.

    She did however, throw a book in the general direction of a teacher.

    Due to that, she lost computer privledges for the evening.

    She is currently struggling with her homework while I checked the board--advice would be helpful. I am praying for tomorrow, at this point, praying is all I feel like I can do.

    Desperately Lost

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there, and I"m so sorry you are having a hard time. I do have a few pesky questions that may help us help you better. The more we know about your daughter, the better picture we can draw of her. And maybe we can give you ideas.

    Is her psychological evaluation that you have scheduled at a University Hospital (I love them) and is this a Neuropsychologist (love them too)!

    Now I have some behavioral questions. I hope they do not seem overwhelming. Just answer what you feel you can.

    I am wondering how she interacts with her same age peers and if she knows how to hold a give-and-take conversation with people or if she just likes to talk about, say, one topic and monologue at people? Does she know about personal space? Any problems with loud noise or crowds or certain fabrics or textures of food? Does she make strong eye contact with people, including strangers who talk to her? Does she like affection? Does she have any odd quirks such as lip smacking or sucking her shirt or making loud noises that hurt your ears? Can she change from one activity to another without having a meltdown?

    Hang in there! A few more and I"m done! Promise!

    Was thre any trauma in her background or change of caregivers when she was very young, say, as an infant. What's the story with Dad? Even if she has never met him, she has 50% of his DNA. Is he mentally ill or disabled in any way? Does he abuse substances, which is often a byproduct of a mood disorder or some other problem? His family tree is genetically as critical as yours. You should present all this info to whomever is seeing her. Anything we should know about his personality that may mirror hers?

    Welcome to the board, but so sorry you had to come to us.
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hint... lots of us have found that it works better to have school deal with school problems - and home can deal with home problems. Don't let school issues get in the way of having some real family life, some bonding time, the good things in life.

    Things like outings to the park etc? We did (and still do) these things frequently, but not as a reward. These are "family time" outings that we do "just because we are a family and want to spend time together". Relationship building is at least as important as correcting specific issues. Don't let the "issues" get in the way of the relationship (where you can... )
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi there, sorry I am late to the party but welcome. Lots of good questions being asked so we can share our experiences with you and you can relate to us too. I didn't see if anyone asked where you are (not specific but are you in the USA or Canada or ????) some of our thoughts can be more specifically related to what other board members here have shared for different areas in the world.

    If you are in teh USA, and they are testing, you should have a list of the assessment protocols they are using because you had to give permission. Is she in any Special Education program right now? (sorry if I missed that already).

    I promise to catch up and offer more thoughts and support later, I just haven't been able to sleep last night so am now feeling tired, sorry.

    You for sure are not alone NOW! We may not be able to see each other but these people are as real to me as any of my friends out of cyber world. I hope you can feel some relief knowing that we do understand how you can LOVE your child but be so frustrated and desperate too.

    Hang in there, check in often..... I look forward to getting to know you.