Did I do the right thing going no contact?


Well-Known Member
I dont like the concept of no contact. But I absolutely had no choice. My sister has no understanding of me and will always be a risk to call the cops on me to punish me. My brother was just so in love with the mother that abused me that there was no hope...he maybe loved her TOO much and could not see what she did. He never had a close relationship with any woman and I wonder if he just loved my mother too much. It wasnt just a normal mother/son relationship. He is a good soul though. Still im sure he heard many complaints about me from her (shrug). He moved out East and didnt SEE anything....it had to be what he heard. At any rate, that is all I can figure out with him. He certainly overrated our mother's character. And she didnt like me.

So I absolutely do have to keep no contact for any reason for the rest of this life with my remaining FOO. You can not keep up any relationship when it makes you feel like a bad person, even though you are a good person (not perfect but have a good heart).

My sister in particular I will never communicate with for ANY reason. Doesnt matter what she wants. I will take legal action to keep her from me. Thats how strongly I feel about keeping her from uttering a word to me again. All she does is hurt me. All she ever did was hurt me.

For lurkers, do not let anybody make you feel small. You are precious and important and nobody has a right to treat you any other way. And if people dont want to understand you, they just wont. So dont explain. Let that person go.

Consequently, I dont understand my sister at all and no longer have any desire to understand what makes her
tick. What makes her hostile. Why she acted like she did. It doesnt matter anymore as she will never be back.

Love and light and Happy Turkey Day!!!
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Swot. I am on cell. So brief. I think it is always hard as holidays approach (or birthdays) as we second guess. There is a good aspect to this: we can reassess and reevaluate both ourselves and the situation to see if it's possible to make another decision, to change course.

These are our families. How could a loving person walk away without regret? I did. And we see what it has cost me. What you are feeling is a loving heart. Safety is another thing entirely.


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Aw Copa. You are so sweet.

I didnt mean it didnt cost me. I just meant I did the right thing for me.

We NEVER spent holidays together anyway....lol. we were never much of a family.

Wishing you a peaceful day!!


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It sounds like you know you did the right thing and so you did the right thing. I think there are people out there who feel like family is family and do not understand that sometimes families are really toxic and unhealthy for you and our responsibility ultimately is to take care of ourselves which is what you are doing. So more power to you for doing that.


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Thanks. To me family is about love, not DNA. I had many challenges in my life and even as a child was demonized for them in FOO. My mom started picking on me very young.

I have no idea if my sister still reads my posts here or still posts about me, but just in case....I dont want to hurt her but she needs to understand that there is no chance she can ever see me again because she tends to try coming back during crises times or around the holidays.

And i cant do it anymore. I feel she probably misses me....but for me too much happened and after my dad passed it was time to no longer assosiate with any of my FOO, especially her. She is a teacher aid for challenged kids and I shudder to think of how she really feels about them....and has shared a little not good stuff with me about them.

I think most people here know my story and about how she eerily likes to call the police on me. I think most would have been done with her in their 30s when she first started repeatedly calling the cops on me.

She did it the first time when I was on her property trying to get her to talk to me after a hurtful altercation which I feel was MY fault, and she says I scared her. I give her a total pass for that cop call. After all I did not want to leave. I was crying and begging her to talk to me to make it better. So that was my fault.

But it became something she did repeatedly, even afer we moved out of her state, when she was angry at me over something as trite as s non threatenimg email. I was never near her when she called the cops after that. She must have called fifty times. Seems like it. Probably more like fifteen calls to the Men in Blue. She called them each time she got mad which was often. Usually it wad because I wrote her an email that she didnt like.

Then she would cut me out of her life for a time. I never tried to rekindle our relationship after those incidents with cops and her cut offs. It would be her that came back and I am forgiving. And I loved her very much. I still do. I always will. But i always ended up fine without her. It was always her who missed me and returned.

The cops will never happen again though. I have to be done.

My daughter is in Corrections and knows all the cops well now, and I refuse to give Sis any chance to embarass my wonderful daughter.

Funny but when she talks to a therapist which she finally got late in life, or posted about how "sick" *I* am ... never once did she expose how SHE called the cops on me so many times, even out of state, for no legal reason but for personal revenge.

Why not talk about THIS on her support board or to her therapists and my brother, whom she abused earlier in life? Because obviously anyone who knew about that would think SHE was not right in the mind. And she isnt. This refusal for her to take ANY serious responsibility for HER big stuffed discouraged me from trying to talk to her to work it out. See, it was always about me, not her. So that would never have worked. Never once would she admit that the cops were wrong and that she has mental illness too or that she could have helped me more with hard family times. So #### her.

I got help for my acknowledged mood disorder even putting myself in a hospital to try to get the max help I could for my depression which was crippling at one time. I am not ashamed of my challenges, but Sis obviously is of hers(I dont think she talks about her anorexia and over exercising either) and I am tired of her lack of civility ,(cops,) and lack of compassion towards me. I am proud of myself for ending up happy andaloved by my real family of choice, and finished with her. I have to be.

And I am no longer going to enable her by listening to her obsess about K, her abusive boyfriend of probably ten years now who she will never be able to leave. I tried to help but like all addicts she wanted to talk about him all the time but did nothing to get rid of him. I think he will be in her life even.if she marries someone else. I really do.

Please dont hang on as long as I did. And if the toxic person comes back, dont be a dumb dumb like I was. Dont allow it. I feel really stupid for keeping it up. My entire family of choice told me not to but I didnt listen. Dont be me.

Anyhow my vents always free me for months so thanks for allowing them. I will always sometimes be sorry that my FOO kicked me, even as a young child with problems, but I did end up with a wonderful life :).
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I sincerely hope sheSis has moved on and never sees any of this. I have always felt she misses me even after she dumps me....so it gives me a certain amount of sadness and guilt.

But because of all the things listed sbove, the cops being number one but many other isdues too, it cant be fixed.
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This makes me sad SWOT. I believe your sister does love you, but she does not know how to love you in the way that you need. This is not because you are particular. It is because her way of loving you involves hurting you and blaming you. She does not know another way to do it. And sadly she craves love in the same way. With hurt. It seems like her lover hurts her. She must feel on some level she only deserves this.

This is a very hard thing to change, because it speaks to early damage. Because you have had so much therapy you have changed so much of your way of relating to life. Unfortunately. Your sister has not. But it is still very sad.

I think as long as we live this will bother us to some extent. But that does not mean you have done something wrong or are doing the wrong thing. Unless you made direct threats to her which I doubt, what your sister did to call the cops on you repeatedly is very, very primitive. This speaks to an inability to control herself or to have insight over and control over her behavior which is essential in order to have a healthy relationship. But you made a new, different life with your husband, children and friends. I am sorry it cannot be different with your sister, SWOT.
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Thanks Copa. You are so right it is scary. She was horrid to my brother too...made fun of his illness and did not invite him to her wedding because she was embarassed that he was "gross." I suspect her main reason for cuddling up to him later on was because my mother, who abused her as much as me when she was a kid, always worshipped my brother. If you werent nice to R. she held it against you. So Sis apologized to R. to gain Mother approval.... but couldnt have told R. the truth. It was an ugly truth. Just like she tells nobody that she likes to call the cops to teach me lessons. She left that part out when she talked about our relationship on another site. Heck for all I know she is still posting about me there and on Pintercrest. It has been months since I looked. I promised myself and you that I would not and I have lots of willpower.

Funnily I share that cop story with everyone in my therapeutic community and they pretty much tell me she sounds very sick.

She is.

Her boyfriend situation is very unhealthy too. She has an inability to let go of anyone (even me) and I really dont want to enable her abusive relationship anymore. He will be in her life for the rest of her life because she refuses to leave this horrible man. Even if she marries I dont think she will dtop at least talking to him. She already kept cheating on a nice man who loved her. She has horrible problems in romantic relationships. She cant do them if the man is nice to her. And apparently cant leave men who are brutal to her.

Sure, I wish the family I had as a child had been different. But it wasnt. I have that family now.

Of course FOO issues creep up from time to time. But I never ever think it was my fault, like I used to. Just dysfunctional people who needed a scapegoat. So they picked me as I had difficult behaviors due to my challenges. I was "bad."

My sister was the lost neglected child. I think that her role impacts you even more as an adult than being the scapegoat. Mean example, and my mothers decision: both of my siblings went to college, my brother for his Masters. They paid for his college. My sister had to take out loans. I forget why....other than the obvious favoritism. Isnt that mean? My mom was very unkind to my sister until she was nearly 30. I figure Sis kissed up to her then. You had to in order for her to treat you okay.

I was sooooo lucky to have my grandma's neverending love or I could have been like my sister. My Grandma, or Mom as I call her, lived until I was 37 so I had her for a loooooong time.

I really loved Sis a lot and I still do. But I know she is always a loose cannan with cop calling and invalidating my memories and I resent (cant help it) that neither sibling tried to tell my mother to lay off of me or to be nice to me. Or nicer. They both could have if they cared one wit about me.

They would probably say it was not their business but I would have done it for them. And I am content and very firm in my decision to stay away. I feel no point in continuing on.

Thanks as always for your friendship and insight. Bet you were a great psychologist :)

Much love to you, my friend. Very much love.
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Well-Known Member
neither sibling tried to tell my mother to lay off of me or to be nice to me. Or nicer. They probably feel it was not their business
SWOT. I do not think it is realistic that either sibling would have intervened in your behalf. They themselves were warped when they were babies. Your mother set up a system that pitted one child against the other. There was not enough love to go around. Not even for one of you. You were each fighting for a slice of a pie that was not even big enough for one child. Your mother was inadequate at best.

You had a great empathy for the underdog. They do not. They identify with the aggressor who was your mother. This is hard to overcome especially without the motivation to do so.

Your siblings learned a family system that was warped. They acquired your mother's mindset. It is very sad for everybody involved. But least of all, for you. You have escaped, through hard work and insight. But the sadness will continue for all of our lives, at holidays and birthdays especially, I believe, because this was our family. However much we would want to escape we cannot. It is very, very sad.


Well-Known Member
Oh Copa if you were here I would give you the biggest hug ever.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I do have a soft heart for the underdog. My sister is....lets just say she doesnt. I get what you are saying...they associated and sympathized with the bully.

Omg your post is going to make me cry. It is so kind. We need to have that cup of coffee together!!!

Much much much love! G-d bless!
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Well-Known Member
SWOT I don’t have much to add to Copa’s wise words here. She has given you wonderful advice and insight. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. I’m sure it is not easy.

I have made my peace with my family and they are mostly supportive now (those who are left). I don’t think they'll ever really ‘get’ me but I’ve decided that’s ok.

My partner is almost completely cut off from her family. She’s the ‘black sheep’ even though she’s a wonderful person and never hurt anybody. Her relationship with her older sister before going no contact sounds eerily like yours. No cop calls, but lots of projection, gaslighting, blaming for unexplained transgressions, etc. I think she’s jealous because R got out and lived her life on her own terms and her sister stayed in the same little town and under their parents thumb. She also fits a lot of the characteristics of borderline though it’s not my place to diagnose. R’s parents always showed preferential treatment to her siblings even though R is the only one that is self sufficient and has actually tried to help her parents instead of leeching off them. In return she just gets resentment and criticism.

Sometimes enough is enough. You can’t keep beating your head against a stone wall.


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Thank you, Elsi. I feel for R. I am sorry for her.

I tried very hard to get this family to love and accept me but when it didnt happen I pulled away. My mother was the worst...I think she was destructive to both me and sis. She favored brother....maybe they were too close. He could never find a woman he loved enough to even live with so he has never had a close relationship. I think nobody could live up to our mother in his eyes (yuk).

My mother worshipped brother as a child but very much mistreated both us girls. By the time she let my sister into her life, it was too late for her to learn healthy attaching. My sister's ability to have healthy relationships with nice men had been ruined. My sister has had no good romantic relationships. Just a loveless marriage and an abuser. My dad was no help....distant, gone, abusive....yet I loved my dad. No scapegoat to him. He loved us in his way with no favorites. My mother was a real biotch to him. He was no prince either. But when they fought I secretly cheered for him until they divorced.

Im glad those days are over. I had decided long before I tried one last time with my sister, then ended it, that it would be best to cut the cord from anyone in FOO after my father passed away. My sister made an outrageous statement, very insulting to me, and I knew that this was our final end. It was time. And unlike her, I dont come back.
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Tired out

Well-Known Member
SWOT, It's so sad that your mother was so insecure that she couldn't let you all love/like each other and her. I am glad we all found each other on this forum. You have all been a dawning light for me with my difficulties with my son. Even though he has done some awful things I love him to the ends of the earth. I would never try to pit his siblings against him.
About your sister who works with special needs kids..that is scary. but I know of others that really don't have empathy and work with special needs people. Sometimes I get the feeling those people need to work with special needs because in their warped minds it makes them feel superior. Smile about this one..my son who has cerebral palsy but is cognitively fine has said to me about certain aides, "she isn't very bright working with X makes her feel smart so maybe it is her therapy" He cracks me up because he gets a read on people immediately.
Hugs through the holidays. They do make us miss people whether we want to or not.


Well-Known Member
Sometimes I get the feeling those people need to work with special needs because in their warped minds it makes them feel superior
Tired. I am glad you acknowledge to yourself your great heart for your son. Your love for him shows in every single post. You are a very loving person. But this stuff beats us up.

I think that mean and limited people can work with those with special needs, because they are able to show love without fear. I think people like SWOT's sister have love to give but are very, very afraid, and very limited. An example would be a political dictator who tortures people but who has dogs that he showers with affection and love and care. The animals don't threaten him. Therefore they do not engender his bad actions, his mistreatment. This is terrible to say but if somebody is disabled they may be less of a threat.
"she isn't very bright working with X makes her feel smart so maybe it is her therapy"
I think your son is very wise. To paraphrase his words, "she isn't very kind, working with X makes her feel kind *because she is able to show kindness because she is not afraid, so maybe it is her therapy."

I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Remember. Most of us are sad during the holidays. We always think the other guy has an ideal life. And nobody really does. We have a real life.


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I am so grateful that others understand what I had to do. And, although I hate that other people also had unloving, dysfunctional families it does help to know I am not the only one who did. Thanks, Tired!

I could not cut off my kid unless he was a danger to me. My mom did it to me and I wasnt a danger to her. And it didnt bother her to do it at all as she convinced herself she was mean to me because I deserved it....she may have had cheerleaders too.
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Well-Known Member
It is gratifying and sad and aggravating to read this thread. Sometimes I wanted jump through the screen and throttle your sister, Somewhere. But you have done a GREAT job navigating through life.
I hesitated to join this board years ago because I already had too much on my plate. So I joined AlAnon and NAMI and it did the trick. Still, reading through these notes brings me "home."
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, no matter how you choose to celebrate it.


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Aw, thanks, Terry! Missed you!

This is actually the whole end game story. I never wrote it before because of Sis but since I will never talk to her again, I wont have to face her wrath. I used to be quite afraid of her wrath. Here it is for anyone interested.

I went no contact with Sis after my dad passed away. I still think she may read my stuff here because she has a problem with letting go of people, even if she doesnt like them. I dont get it, but I am able to let go when it is best, so I did. Believe me when I say I did it for her as well as for me. I hurt her, or so she says, and I have no idea how I hurt her. She never says. So I would rather call it off.

I can only imagine how angry this made her though, although that was not the point.. I know for a fact that the rules were that she could do anything she wanted to do to me, but if she said we were going to make up and try to work it out, then I was supposed to forget all the cop calling and cut offs done to me just be glad she decided I was worth talking to again. See, only she was allowed to come back and I was not allowed to decide to cut HER out. When I did...i knew it would be more horrifying to her that I was the one who did it, no matter why, then that I would no longer be in her life.

She is about control, at least with me.

And she felt this way because I always tried again, just as she expected the wussy sister to do. She choreographed our relationship and I played my part. Slowly, though, with each time she cut me off then convinced the cops to visit and tell me I was not allowed to contact her, something inside of me swelled just a tad more in rebellion, no matter how much I loved her and hoped we could be real sisters.

This feeling festered especially after a big blow up during my dads 85th birthday but I decided to keep trying even after that. I could see that contact with FOO was doing horrible things to me, but I stayed after this horror show. This family made me somebody I was not when not around them and I hated this me.

Even though I stuck around, the hurtful emotions inside of me were building with these people. Who were they? Was I really connected to them? Did I want to be? My family of choice was so loving. They were furious at family of origin, protective of me, warned me no good would come of hanging on. It would be accurate to say that my kind daughters and Sonic and even Bart and husband hated them but left leaving up to me.

By the time my father was very sick, I was ready to leave, but told nobody in my family of origin. It was a hard time. We were all sad .

Sister had no idea that I had pretty much decided to be done once my dad passed on. He passed last year. I didnt want him to see Sis and me on bad terms in his last days as he had always wanted us to get along ...so I held off. Then he passed and for all his abuse of all of us he died with my love. But I knew I had been set free too. Finally. Free at last!!!

First, before cutting contact with Sis, I wanted her to finally tell me all of our family medical history that for some unexplained reason my family withheld from me, but my doctor wanted it. So I was pleasant and present until she finally disclosed all of it.

Predictably, after trying to be nice for a few weeks (both of us) Sis started getting "funny" at me again without explaining. If l called she didnt answer or would not talk in words but breathe into the phone. Snapped at me. Again. Wash, rinse, repeat. For the unpteenth time. I have never had anyone else in my life who was this moody with me, not even my mother!

Things got more dramatic for Sis and I tried to be of support. She was in a whirlwind mess with her abusive boyfriend and he had just broken into her home. Scared, I told her to call the police and she said she couldnt have the police go over there, it would ruin his reputation, he would never speak to her again etc. Huh????

He had also threatened her "You give me the money you owe me OR ELSE!"

Yes, she owed him money. $10k and she wouldnt give it back nor could he sue her because he had gifted it to her. In writing to a bank. The gift was not really a gift....between them they had made it a loan but she had decided to spite him for being a jerk and not pay it back.

You cant make this stuff up. This was after my hearing for years from her how cruel he is. And here she is baiting this man. To me it was like waving a red blanket in front of a bull. Like she almost wanted dangerous confrontation.

So the whole story is too long and weird to explain but he threatened her. And she was freaked out but would not call the police. Nor pay him back, which I also suggested, again for safety. I again repeated she call the police for her safety. She again refused for the same reasons written above. She didnt want any of his neighbors to see cops at his house and ruin his reputation or have him never speak to her again for doing so.

Something finally snapped inside me about the cops and her and ME. Selfish? Maynbe. But there you have it, how it went down....

I said "So you called the police on me for nothing for years but not him when he does this? You think I was a bigger threat than him?"

She said "At the time I did."

Time??? WHAT time??? There were twenty times. Many of those police calls were made when I lived in another state from her. I never threatened her. Ever. Not once.

But she didnt care if MY neighbors saw cop cars at our house or if my young children were afraid of the cops coming over. What could I possibly mean to her if she would do this repearedly to me but not once to a man she swears is a covert narcissist.

She called the cops on me only for revenge/control. If I said or wrote something that got her angry the police had to come over to say she doesnt want me to contact her. That was IT. That was all I did...an email would trigger a call to Officer Friendly to my house.

But K. broke into her house and threatened her and no way would she call the police on him even though he had done these things! Cant ruin the abuser's good name....grrrrrrr.

I couldnt do that level of crazy anymore. It was personal, about us. My Dad could abuse her too (and certainly did to all of us) and she forgave him and never did cops on him....just me. Pfffft!!

I finally got it. Its the family against me. Others can do real harm and get a pass. I hate to sound like that poor picked on little girl but that is what it was like. Only I could stop allowing myself to be a victim. It was 100 percent my responsibility. I needed to cleanse myself and reinvent who I am.

So I hung up and told her in a text that I was done.

I am done. With the lot of them...lolol. All. I am new; I am myself, I am gone.

My obit will not include them (morbid, I know, but already decided upon). They are not my family in my mind or heart.

What kind of people wont relay important DNA medical information to a family member, even if the person is not their favorite? I learned at the very end of speaking to Sis that my first cousin had died young of colon cancer and that an uncle had had Parkinsons and lewey body dementia. I could finally tell my
doctor what runs in my family! How crazy is it that I didnt know???

But I am finally free of them. I have tons of the right kind of love; healthy love. Best of all my chosen family accepts my love back, and the games are over. My chosen family, even Bart, do not play games like this. Two of my kids live very close. We see one another all the time. My girls are my best friends. Bart loves me too. My husband is Husband of the Century. 23 great years.

I suspect Sis is still full of drama and romantic discord. But I dont want to know.

Thanks for the forum!

I am glad you came back, Terry! :)
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Well-Known Member
Wow, what a mess. I remember when your dad died.
Was there anything in the family history that you found out that you didn't already know? Or was it all another control issue?
So glad you are doing well.


Well-Known Member
Yes I found out some stuff.

I found out that I had no medical info on my FOO. Nobody told me anything. Makes no sense. I doubt any of them could even explain that with anything but nonsense.

These are in our DNA and nobody told me about them. It was like being part of a closed adoption. And even my Dad, who I do love, never told me about these important issues. It was Keep Away From Swot!! Everything was kept a secret from me. It was sick and mean....but its over. I am good :)

Unlike my mom, who was a witch to me, my father split his will three ways. Until my brother, the Executor, actually gave me my share, I was on guard that maybe he would not, so I had our lawyer on alert. My brother's is an honest, good man, but he is under my.sister's influence. Im not even sure he knows it but he follows her lead. I didnt think he would try anything with the will but I wasnt sure.

Once I got my share, my brother never spoke to me again but as long as he did me right, I dont really care. Again, when my sister spoke to me in the hospital, where Dad was so sick, my brother was so friendly and kind and loving to me. Even took pictures. The minute Sis and I stopped talking, he turned away from me too. That is what I mean by he follows her lead. I have no idea why. She abused him severely for many years. But that is between them. I dont care.

From all my years of therapy, I learned that my mother, who ran the family (Dad worked all the time and only Mom was always there), gave all three of us children different roles.

Scapegoat was me. Lost child was Sis. Golden Child was brother. Mother was a borderline or narcissist or both and none of us were going to be problem free with that upbringing. Dad was probably an Overt Narcicist so he was no help. So none of us were hoing to have easy lives with that all going on. And we struggled. Terrible parenting!

None of us were healthy regarding relationships and I am the only one with a very loving marriage and family that has lasted long term. I am looking very forward to traveling with my hubby and dogs down south next year in our RV :)

My sister ended up with a severe eating disorder that her child seems to be inheriting and my brother just never had any relationship with anyone who lived with him. Intimacy handicapped probably.

My sister had a loveless marriage per her, divorced him, then latched on to an abuser and cant let go. My mother and father affected them more than me in relationships. I was lucky.

Sonic is working and doing well and Jumper is happily engaged and doing Corrections at our County Jail. Love her fiance. Princess snd my grand are doing great and were here for Thanksgiving.

I am so glad that your daughter is doing great but also that your son is on the right path! I wondered about your family sometimes. You were always making sure that Son had accountability. What a trooper you are. And a Warrior Mom hero :) i think your Son will actually do well and that is largely to your credit!!!

So happy to see you!!
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Tired out

Well-Known Member
SWOT, It sounds like your sister had/has (?) a sever case of jealously where you are concerned. I can't imagine with holding and medical history from my family (sisters or kids).
Dang.. my youngest sister was into drugs. She lived in another state, she hadn't seen us in 8 years (the last time I saw her she had accused my of stupid stuff that another sister told her to cause trouble) and she called crying about missing us, not seeing my kids (she had none of her own, and didn't live near family) I told her as long as she and her hubby were doing drugs there would be no contact with my children, they woudn't be coming there. She asked if I would talk with her doctor, I said yes. An appointment was set up for a phone conversation. Her doctor and I talked at length about K getting off drugs. A plan was made and K followed through--(that was 12 years ago) I promised her that if she stuck with it and her husband was clean too in 9 months we would bring the kids to visit. She did it, he said he did.. We went. She was very good, we could tell he was high at times. Anyway while we were there she pulled me aside--we took a couple hour "shopping trip" and she told me that she was going to have to leave him and move back to our home state, he was using again and she ddn't want to get sucked back in. After we went back home, she packed and left her house and went back to our home state, near our sisters. 4 weeks later her hubby died of an enlarged heart/ heart attack due to cocaine addiction--36 years old. It was sad but I was so glad she had gotten away. She is still clean and with a very nice man. She can still be a bit nutty at times (I think she inherited that from our paternal grandmother).
Seems most families there is drama of some kind some ust hide it VERY well.