difficult child in co-occurring program

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HereWeGoAgain, Apr 7, 2009.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    wife and I ended up letting difficult child come home after her stay at the crisis center, due to the lack of a suitable place for her to wait for an opening at one of the centers where they treat co-occurring diagnosis (mental health and substance abuse). She was only here four days before a spot opened up, back at the same facility where she was in the crisis center (different wing). This is a six-weeks treatment program, state-funded (with fed. SAMHSA COSIG grant money), with recommendation to a half-way house afterwards.

    She is allowed one half-hour visit per week, on Sunday. We had a good visit, she looks good and has a good attitude. She made a little gift for easy child 1. She got in trouble and had to write a paper: someone's boyfriend smuggled in a cigarette, and they went in the bathroom and used a battery somehow to make a spark to light it. difficult child was not caught with the others but later voluntarily confessed and is cheerfully taking her consequences. She said she realizes how incredibly stupid that little episode was. She talked about eventually proving that she can be responsible for herself and then maybe we'll let easy child 1 live with her. wife told her not to get ahead of herself and get too giddy, just take things one day at a time, without actually saying no way, never gonna happen (but it won't).

    She still has a long, long road to travel, but she has taken the first few steps and I am hopeful that this time she is really getting to the root of the problem and will be able to achieve independence.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow!! It really sounds like she's taking this seriously and really trying!! :D :D

    Oh, I really hope so. I hope she does well and has finally set her feet on the right sober road. I know you all have gone thru so much and waited for so long for her to finally start to "get" it.

    Saying prayers and holding positive thoughts that this takes hold and she does well.

  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a really good placement for her! I'm glad to hear that she is doing well.
  4. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    difficult child's been in this program almost 3 weeks now.

    I'm in the doghouse with wife. Last Saturday we had scheduled to attend family group. Well, it clean slipped my mind, and I was out washing the car of all things when the appointment came and went. We only have the one car, so wife couldn't go without me. I came home and was hit with both barrels -- all the baggage from 20 years came out: "you always hated her", "you just don't care", "well now you've got things your way you're happy to just forget she ever existed", and so on. Well, yeah, I did forget, and I am happy to be free of the continuous drama. I fired back with "it's called detachment"; response: "oh yeah, you're very good at that, aren't you? You didn't give birth to her and know her for the first nine years, [true enough] so it's easy for you [not true]".

    I was at fault for forgetting, but then again I was the one who went through utter hell that night four weeks ago getting difficult child to the crisis center (cops, ambulance, the whole nine yards) which gave her the chance to get in this program in the first place. And I have been through the whole time since difficult child's behaviors began, 15 or 16 years now, right there alongside wife, so I don't feel like I'm such a big heel as all that.

    Anyhow, relations in the HWGA house have been frosty for several days. But this too shall pass. I did apologize profusely for forgetting the appointment. I also suggested a families anon. meeting, but she "knows all that c**p already" and "already knows she is too involved but she can't just 'give up'".

    [PS - witz, I just noticed the quote in your signature and it cracked me up.]
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2009
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    HWGA, sorry to hear that things are "frosty" on the home front.

    I think sometimes parents come to detachment at different paces, and it's really hard when one person is farther along the path than the other one.

    With all the chaos that difficult children bring into our lives, I think sometimes the peace becomes scary, and we need to inject some chaos and yelling, just to feel normal (or at least familiar).

    I can understand why it would slip your mind. For the first time in a long time, you have peace and quiet, and you were in the midst of doing one of those quiet, calm, almost hypnotic tasks. (for me, washing the car, ironing etc. are bringing order to chaos, and I can totally get lost in them).

    Yes, it was wrong to miss the appointment, but I wonder if your wife is going through a bit of drama-withdrawal, if you will.

    Hope that things settle down soon.

  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear that you are taking the blow up with a grain of salt. I'm sure that everyone is a bit on edge, and anxious for everything to turn out well. Are you able to reschedule?
  7. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I take it you are difficult child's stepdad? My husband is also my kids' stepdad and I can remember having similar feelings as your wife at times. My husband had to bear with me while I came to the detachment process slower than he did. Also, I often felt guilty that he had gotten mixed up with such a dysfunctional family. He had been married before and had 3 kids of his own who all turned out to be pcs. When we married I didn't realize how awful things would get with difficult child 1 or how expensive she would turn out to be.

    Sometimes it would infuriate me how calm and seemingly untouched he was by all the chaos too--like he didn't care.

    So, I hope things get better soon for you--I think you are doing an amazing job and I hope wife comes around sooner rather than later!