Hi Had, I am glad you are here and I understand---my son is 24.5 years old and we have been doing this for a little more than four years with him. He's been arrested, in jail multiple times, multiple rehabs, homeless, etc. All of his charges are drug-related. He doesn't believe he needs rehab or has a problem.
At first we hired lawyers and went to all of the hearings and visited him weekly in jail. As I changed, I realized how hard all of that was on me. Every time I did it all, I thought it was the last time, and he needed me so I needed to do it. Slowly we stopped. No lawyers, no money on the account (He once told us they use that in jail for barter while playing cards, so, the money I thought was going for deodorant and toothpaste and extra food, stationery/stamps actually went for something else a lot of the time).
This last time I didn't visit at all. The only times I have received a letter from him from jail were during the times I put no money on the account. Somehow he got paper, envelopes and stamps. I did write him two letters this last time. They were short and didn't explain why he needs to change, just talked about my boundaries. I always tell him I love him and I believe he can do whatever he decides to do. I have always said, you are the most persistent person on the planet, and that is a great quality.
Been there and done all of that, Had. Multiple times.
I'm not saying you don't have to/want to/need to walk the same path. And I hope the path is different and that your son gets it sooner rather than later.
I was scared to death for him being in jail at first. Over time, I have felt more relieved and at peace when he is in jail. I didn't get that at all the first time I heard somebody else say it.
Until this time. He has been out of jail for nearly three weeks, and I have set the toughest boundaries I have ever been able to set before. I am not allowing him to completely drive me nuts with what he wants and needs, all day every day.
Yesterday I saw him for about 10 minutes and when I left, I was really glad I had seen him. We had a decent conversation, for once in a long, long time. He looked good. He told me he is looking for a job and a place to live. His eyes were clear. We told each other we love each other. I hugged him. And I had a good day yesterday for the rest of the day.
Who would ever have thought any of this? I imagine you are thinking and feeling the same thing. What horror movie am I waking up in? It can get better, Had, regardless of what your son decides to do.
One thing that our difficult child's have in common is that they lack the ability to persevere.
Yes. This is a common trait. As you said in your post, your son was doing so much better in many ways, church, job, school. All of those behaviors are so hopeful and promising. But as long as he is using drugs, it can't continue. That is the sad part. And if he doesn't want to quit using drugs, all of the good steps are still good, but not sustainable.
To persevere on the good path, he has to first have the desire to quit, and then find and use the tools to keep quitting every single day for the rest of his life. What tools? For most in recovery, it is the toolbox of 12 steps.
And we're no different. If we want a good life, a peaceful life filled with good thoughts and good days, we have to do something different too.
We can do better---going to work, smiling, enjoying our lives somewhat, being productive. But as long as we are still enabling, it can't continue. That is the sad part. We are hitching our happiness to what someone else decides to do. We don't own our own lives anymore---somebody else does. And if we don't want to quit enabling, all of the good steps are still good, but not sustainable.
It's the same thing. And we can't stop without first having the desire to quit, then find and use the tools to keep quitting every single day for the rest of our lives. Whatever those tools are that work for us.
I do think detachment with love is the only possible path to sanity for parents of drug-addicted adults. Otherwise, there are two insane people---me and my difficult child---not just one.
I can't make him sane---been there and done that---but I can work to make myself sane.
And maybe, just maybe, that focus on myself will create some time and space and chance for him to do something different.
I don't know the magic formula, Had. I wish I did. The pain that comes with all of this is indescribable and can only be endured one day at at time.
One of my good friends lost her son in December to a combination of drugs/alcohol. She didn't even know he was using drugs. He was functioning pretty well and hadn't gone down a really bad path like my son has. Perhaps he was not addicted. I don't know. She doesn't know. I have watched her grieve. Yesterday I saw new lines in her face. She smiles, but it is forced. She is slowly trying to return to her daily life before this happened. My heart breaks for her.
I struggle with what to do, Had. It is so hard to know. But my friend couldn't save her son. He made choices. I can't save my son. He is making choices.
You can only do what you feel is right, every single day. I know you are struggling with that, and you are listening to lots of people, and I believe that is good.
I hope you can find some peace and hope every day in your life even while all of this is happening. There are many tools to help you find that place. It's a daily walk. We only have
this day. What will we do with it?
Peace and blessings and strength wished for you today.
