difficult child is being held

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Apr 23, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    He'll be held until the first week in May when we go to court for arraignment on the second parole violation. The judge hadn't received the paperwork on that one yet so he couldn't do them both today. The actual court/trial will be mid-May for both these violations so the judge said when we go to the next arraignment, he will consider letting difficult child on the monitoring program. Of course since they can only be on that program while awaiting trial, difficult child would have a max of 9 days with this and that's assuming they have an ankle bracelet available the first week in May.

    The same judge is no longer there; difficult child will have the same defense attny and I'm not sure but apparently the same prosecuting attny. Since all the files are now being reviewed by a different judge, he was asking about all sorts of stuff he found in difficult child's file- I really hope we don't have to revisit every single issue that has come up in the past. The good news though is that he didn't assign a GAL at this point. I hope the prosecuting attny doesn't push for one- the PO and defense attny are not. But- the best news is that the GAL who difficult child used to have is not doing much work for this jurisdiction anymore- from what I heard, there were some apparent "issues" between the people running the juvenile courts and this particular GAL. Now, if this prosecuting attny and new judge (neither are familiar with difficult child's history because that attny had JUST started working there at difficult child's commitment hearing last year) will just not drudge up issues like custody, difficult child's competency, family situation, my mental health, etc, maybe we can actually stay focused on difficult child this time.

    PO said he's going to go talk to difficult child again today and try to talk to him several times while he's in detention to get thru to him and take responsibility.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I hate this for you but I think it is the right thing, that difficult child "gets it" now, he cannot just skate thru, get released and then do what he wants.

    Isn't that called recidivism? Correct me if needed, PLEASE.

    Anyway - having a diff judge may help. And that is good news about that particular GAL - although since difficult child has a FILE (capitalized for good reason), maybe new judge will see it ain't you???
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think the last judge knew it wasn't me- it was the GAL and probation officer that kept trying to stir up issues with extended family and blame me for all difficult child's issues and get court orders for me. The last judge got to a point where shee just shook her head at the GAL over this stuff and told her it had nothing to do with the issue at hand. But, I am hoping the new judge doesn't see some of this in the file and require us to go thru it all again because he isn't aware of all the details regarding extended family.

    PO and I had a decent conversation this morning before court. We were discussing lack of services available and how all recent budget cuts seem to pertain to minors, whether it be education, mental health or juvenile justice services. He seems to be pretty frustrated with it too. They are forcing more over-crowding in classrooms and cutting mental health so that ends up with tremendous overflow in Department of Juvenile Justice ultimately but they are closing Department of Juvenile Justice facilities (some) and leaving only the less therapeutic ones, then releasing kids with barely any services in place. He said unfortunately, that is the position difficult child is in and difficult child has to pick up the slack and become strong enough to overcome this himself if he's going to make it because we have nothing else we can offer.

    I also explained to PO again what happened last year regarding efforts for psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I had told him when we first met but it fell on deaf ears then. I think he gets it now. I told the defense attny that this PO and I were working together a lot better that the previous probation officer. The def attny said this PO is a lot better worker. So I guess thru these various things coming out now, I feel a little vindicated and just hope and pray we don't end up starting all over and me having to testify about my family history again
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm with Step. I think the fact that the judge is asking questions and "sees things in difficult child's file" is saying a lot. Especially combined with the fact that the GAL is not the most popular person right now.

    Also...while it hurts your heart to see him back in custody...this was HIS CHOICE. You told him what would happen. PO told him what would happen. I imagine that others have told him what would happen. HE didn't listen. HE made the choice. HE is the one who has to learn.

  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    For your sake I really hope they don't dredge up all of the ca-ca from the past. difficult child really should be the focus. Considering he did this it truly should show that you are not the problem and the cause.
    You have continuously been the one who has tried to help YOUR son.

    I worry so much for him and his future. He needs something for him to find a goal and something to live for.

    Continue to try to try and hang in there
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Even if this goes back to court, I wouldnt bring up your past unless it is specifically asked of you. I dont think dredging that up is at all relevant.
    Whatever happened to you 20 years ago has nothing to do with what is going on with difficult child now. Maybe the relationship with his dad, sure but nothing else. I would stick to the facts relating to now.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs for your mommy heart, and I hope difficult child is beginning to understand the consequences to his behaviors. You did all you could and then some.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Just sending hugs.

    Try not to borrow trouble by worrying about what the new judge might do with old issues. Easier said than done, I know.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in more hugs, you and your difficult child continue to be in my prayers.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks everyone- for the support and hugs.

    I think the issue is going to be mental health treatment- or lack thereof. The judge last year couldn't order a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) without support of gal and po, who refused to back it up. So the judge committed difficult child to Department of Juvenile Justice and in her court order, included mental health treatment for him. That neew prosecuting attny asked for me to be given a mental health evaluation. I feel sure that the gal instigated that because there would be no reason otherwise when we were there for difficult child pulling a knife on me. Well, difficult child came out of Department of Juvenile Justice on no medications and the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis removed and the PO has not ordered any mental health treatment because of that and because if he does, it requires it to be provided by our mental health dept or me getting it private and I don't have insurance and I generally buck our local mental health dept. Furthermore, PO knows I'm burnt out on tdocs because between them not knowing what to do and difficult child not opening up, it has been a waste of time. It's not that big of deal if the judge orders difficult child to go to a therapist though, except they will have to provide it as I can't afford to do it privately anymore. The issues at the mental health dept though are that we end up spending half the day there for a 45 min appointment, they try to always make sure the kid sees whatever therapist they saw there in the past and difficult child's therapist there a few years ago was VERY incompetent, they lost difficult child's file, and I just got fed upo with them because of all this- I have no faith in them and they let the people from the courts tell them what diagnosis to treat the kid for which seems like the tail wagging the dog to me. It would either be that or back to the MST and that was a joke that I saw as only enabling difficult child.

    I think the problem stems from half the people believing that difficult child has no mental health issues at all and I was just using that aavenue to cover for him and keep him from being puninshed and the real problem is that I have mental health issues that I refuse to do anything about and I need help with parenting skills because I've let my kid get out of control. (This would be the previous PO and GAL- and possibly now the prosecuting attny because she requested a mental health evaluation on me before which I refused under those circumstancees so the gal filed a show cause which disappeared but now might resurface.)

    Then, the other people believe that difficult child does have mental health issues but I won't follow therapist's and psychiatrist's recommendations. That wasn't true- it was that the po and gal wanted to dictate that therapy be given for the first scenario I described instead of supporting what the tdocs and psychiatrists recommended for difficult child- I was trying to follow THOSE recommendations. The Department of Juvenile Justice facility tried to do as much as they had resources for to follow those recommendations from the psychiatric hospital but they couldn't do everything a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) could. So the question will be what to do now- and that will be based on whatever this new judge is convinced of- the first scenario or the second. He already asked about difficult child's mental health treatment during the arraignment and the PO told him that he hadn't ordered any because difficult child didn't come out with recommendations in that area, the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis had been removed and difficult child was taken off medications- by Department of Juvenile Justice NOT me. So this already opens the door for the prosecuting attny to revisit the "well then the problem must be the mother" issue. Never mind that just because difficult child is apparently not BiPolar (BP) doesn't automatically mean that he doesn't have issues. But him having issues doesn't mean that a therapist can do anything about them because we have tried that for over 4 years. PO knows that I'm trying to get difficult child to open up more about his issues so a therapist might be able to help him and I've asked PO to discuss this with difficult child, too. But if they turn this back into the blame the parent game we are going to have an issue. Again. It wouoldn't surprise me if they order us to the public mental health dept to completely start over with evaluations- ditching eeverything from the previous evaluations which were more thorough than our local dept would ever give and we get stuck getting treatment based on whatever the courts people say the problem is. Fortunately, I don't think this PO sees me as having mental problems that are causing difficult child to make bad choices but PO has already told the judge that he doesn't know about that side of things because he was not involved in this situation when difficult child was receiving mental health treatment before.

    The issue regarding my mental health treatment and/or if difficult child should be living at home with me- well, then that is where I have no choice but to tell them all the family stuff from years ago so they know that I did go to therapy before, this is the problem I dealt with, it got resolved, and difficult child should NEVER be sent to live with another family member, which is the only choice dss has if difficult child is removed from home and not in Department of Juvenile Justice.

    Sorry this became so long and rambling...
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    When that mental health evaluation was ordered on me, I had to talk to the MST guy because he's the court/mental health liason. He told me that it doesn't matter what psychiatrists and tdocs have determined or recommended if they are not in their system- they will go by what the GAL wants done and gets the judge or PO to order and they had said that difficult child pulled the knife on me because I had mental health problems that I wouldn't deal with and that's why difficult child wouldn't deal with his. Now I have a number of problems with this statement- first, it wouldn't matter if I was completely insane it doesn't justify a kid walking in a room and pulling a knife on his mother, unprovoked, and demanding cigs, 2) the gal and PO are not tdocs or psychiatrists and don't even have kids over the age of 3yo and couldn't possibly understand the psychology or dynamics enough to warrant throwing out profs recommendations and dictating treatment, 3) this MST guy is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and just because he works as a liason he is automatically letting these people dictate trreatment, 4) I think difficult child needs to be taught that he is responsible for his own actions, not given an excuse that his mother has problems so it's not his fault if he does things like this, 5) Just because these things happened in the past and I DID go to therapy and deal with them over 20 years ago, does not mean I am warped for life and incapable of being a good parent like PO and GAL thought- that is a very ignorant way of thinking in my book- personally, I think the fact that I had therapy made me a better parent not a warped person forever who needs to have my hand held thru life.

    And I may never get past the anger over a PO and GAL being able to over-ride the recommendattions of the head psychiatrist at a state psychiatric hospital where that very court system sent difficult child on their own determination and dictating what mental health treatment they thought we should get and the fact that profs in this jurisdiction go along with that. Really- say a dr finds a heart problem in someone but the attnys think the person needs a cast on their leg- they can get the cast ordered and a dr does that and ignores the heart problem. And this PO is taking the stance that he doesn't know because he's not a dr.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And since I'm on a roll with this vent (LOL)...

    I was going to do the mental health evaluation thinking it should clear that question up, until my private therapist that I was seeing at the time told me these two things- 1) since they only wanted to give me a written personality/mental health test with no personal interview or background information then it would be very subjective and unnlikely to be accurate, and 2) when these are court ordered, the gal has to tell the tester what he/she wants them to look for in that person. Well, I think people tend to find what they look for especially when being told to by someone they work in the same system with and Lord only knows what gal was going to tell the tester to look for- they wouldn't tell me though. My therapist told me she would be VERY leary of this scenario. So I refused to go thru with it. And what was it leading to? GAL wanteed difficult child released and sent home with no punishment for pulling the knife on me and me court ordered to go to therapy and gert medications for whatever she had them look for and find after one written test, solely. Nope- wasn't going to happen. And won't happen now either.
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Sometimes getting it out on "paper" so to speak helps with release and how you feel. It also lets you blow off some of your emotions so you can be a bit more clear in your thinking. You posted a lot which is great!!! You can look back on the thread and make points for his case or just what you are feeling. Keep it all clear.
    I know sometimes when I am jotting things down in my journal for psychiatrist I have gone back here for dates or more concrete facts etc...
    If anything it might help you not be so ****** at him!
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    You're a dedicated, loving and invested parent, K, doing the best you can under crazy circumstances. I just pray that difficult child "gets" it. I'm worried for him.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm afraid he has given up on himself and decided that it's easier to live in the facilities where he knows more about what's expected and feels like he has friends and is accepted. What can you do about that if you can't get intensive therapy under those circumstances?

    Yep, Totoro, it helps me to post sometimes for those very reasons. If the prosecuting attny wasn't already convinced by the GAL that I'm the big problem, I think we'll be ok and can just focus on difficult child's violations. Otherwise, I may have to ask ffor a GAL now that the other one is out of the picture.