difficult child is gone and took some of my clothes with her! What do I do?

[Kathy813]

We gave her until May 31st to move out. She went ballistic and has thrown everything at us but the kitchen sink. She sobbed, screamed, cursed, and threatened to kill herself (not in so many words . . . statements like "as of May 31st you'll be sorry"). We held firm. Yesterday, when I was at school, she gave it one more college try and did everything that she could think of to get husband to say she could stay until fall when she was "going back to school." I had left husband the camera and told him to record all of the interactions so we have this all on video. He did a good job standing up to her shenanigans but when I got home he looked like he had aged 5 years. I am really getting worried about what the stress of unemployment and having a difficult child is doing to him.

difficult child finally gathered up some stuff and stormed out to go to work. She called husband on the way and told him that she was in an accident and that an ambulance was coming for her. husband told her to call from the hospital to let him know how she was. She asked, "Aren't you coming to the hospital?" and husband said no. Of course, she really wasn't in an accident and it was all just some crazy attempt to make us feel bad.

She texted husband later that she was coming by to get her **** since she was no longer going to live where she was subjected to emotional abuse.

Here's the kicker . . . when I went to get dressed for school this morning I noticed that my concealer was gone and figured that difficult child took it. Then, I went to put on my jeans (spirit day at school) and realized that they were missing (I only own two pairs and they were both gone). Then I looked and two of my favorite shirts were gone. These were the same shirts that she took a couple of weeks ago and denied it until I found them crumpled up in the bottom of her laundry basket.

She called husband this morning and said that she was moving in with an older woman that she worked with years ago that she has stayed close to. I think that it is the best thing that could have happened.

Now, what do I do about my clothes? Do I write them off or tell her that she needs to bring them back or I will report the credit card theft. The due date is next week so we can still report that she stole it. She already announced to husband that now that she has moved out that she owes us nothing. She has no intention of paying us back the $177 for the card (nevermind what she owes us for the damage to husband's truck).

What would you guys do?

~Kathy813

 

[JJJ]

Personally, I'd let it go, buy new stuff and change the locks. She's not going to give them back so why put yourself through that angst.

 

[AnnieO]

Yup, report the theft... And then forget the clothes. They aren't worth it...

 

[CrazyinVA]

Change the locks, definitely. I'd be tempted to report the theft.. but I think it may add so much more stress to your life, it might be worth considering letting it go. On one hand she should be held accountable for her actions, but I'd consider carefully whether you think it's worth the additional drama right now.

Stand strong. You're doing great.

 

[DaisyFace]

Change the locks and treat yourself to some new clothes...

 

[DammitJanet]

My head says to stand firm and tell her that unless she returns those clothes, makes a payment agreement and signs it, you are going to charge her.

Actually, ya know what...do that with the payment agreement and if she doesnt comply, you can take her on People's Court to get the money. Or Judge Joe Brown. He wont put up with her mouth...lol.

 

[Hound dog]

I'd forget the clothes, they can be replaced. And I'd charge her with the theft.

I'm glad she's moving in with someone older. I hope that's a good thing, but these days you can never be sure.

Hugs

 

[Kathy813]

My head says to stand firm and tell her that unless she returns those clothes, makes a payment agreement and signs it, you are going to charge her.

Actually, ya know what...do that with the payment agreement and if she doesnt comply, you can take her on People's Court to get the money. Or Judge Joe Brown. He wont put up with her mouth...lol.

Even if she signed an agreement she wouldn't pay any money on it. Also, once we pay the bill, would we still be able to charge her with theft? We thought we would have to do it instead of paying the bill so a payback plan would be useless.

About Judge Judy . . . I had to laugh when I read that. I actually said the very same thing to husband last night. I would love to see Judge Judy's face when a soon to be 25 year old tells her that mommy and daddy are being mean and making her move out and take care of herself (after paying for her schooling and buying her 3 cars and on and on and on . . .).

About the clothes . . . it's the spitefulness of the thing. I don't know why I am surprised, though.

 

[Suz]

Kathy, I'd let it go. You've seen the toll this is taking on husband. You know the toll it is taking on you and maybe even your marriage. in my humble opinion, $177 and some clothes are not worth the pain and trouble it would be to sue, involve the court system, etc, etc.

Give yourselves a break and only do what you have control over. Get your locks changed. Don't answer the phone. Go on a date tonight with husband and try to have a little fun.

Big hugs,
Suz

 

[Nomad]

I am so sorry. Ditto to what Suz said. These are minor things. Unless you d iscover something of significant value missing, I wouldn't worry about it.
I would concern yourself at the moment with your own well being and that of your husband. I am well aware of aging over-night. husband has done difficult child duty over the last few years while I took care of something and he is drained. He recently announced "no more," and is doing a little better.
difficult child finds her own places to live (there has been MAJOR melodrama this last mtonth) and at times it is tough for us. But, we do our best to disengage/detach. We provide limited help with- food and medical costs. The rest is up to her.
It is MUCH easier with- her out of the home.
NURTURE YOURSELF and move forward as best as you can. If it is ok with- your husband, let her know that you will do what you can to help pay for her medical care and work out other little details later. But, in my humble opinion, having her in your home is probably NOT a good idea...not now and probably not ever. Sending good thoughts and (hugs).

 

[janebrain]

I am in total agreement with Suz. I would let it go and go forward from here. I remember the feeling of pure euphoria and relief when I made my difficult child leave home and I saw her and her boyfriend walking up the street to catch a bus. I went around and locked all the doors (she didn't have a key to any of them) and just allowed myself to breathe. In our case I knew deep inside that she could never live with us again and that I would move forward with that conviction.

There has been lots of drama since she left but it is not at my house. I love her dearly and I do help her out with money and food and medicines from time to time and we have a nice long distance relationship. I am so glad to not be closely involved in her life though!

Good luck
Jane

 

[Kathy813]

Well, she came by the house today to get her bedding and some more stuff and acted halfway decent to husband. He told her that he would notify the credit company on Monday if the clothes were not returned but that we would forget all debt if she brought back the clothes and stayed away from our house. He also called an alarm company to get our alarm system working again which we had canceled to saved some money when husband lost his job. We decided that our peace of mind was worth the money. Both of us are worried that she would hurt the dogs or let them out of our house if she is able to get back in the house while we are not here.

I agree with those that said it would not be worth the emotional turmoil to pursue the clothes or the money she owes us so we are going to just drop it if she doesn't turn up with my clothes by Monday. It sure is hard to replace a broken in comfortable pair of jeans, though. LOL I guess I still have to be able to laugh or I will just break down in tears.

My students could tell that I was distracted today and asked what was wrong. I told them it was some family stuff that I didn't want to talk about. Several of the students gave me a hug.

husband and I are going to an al-anon meeting tonight because I know that the drama will not end here.

~Kathy

 

[Suz]

He told her that he would notify the credit company on Monday if the clothes were not returned but that we would forget all debt if she brought back the clothes and stayed away from our house.

Please encourage husband not to make empty threats, especially since you two later decided not to pursue it. She won't learn to believe what you say if threats are made and not carried out.

I really think you need to take a break from each other. If anything is left in her room that you consider to be hers, pack it in garbage bags and offer to leave them on your front stoop at a certain time for her to pick up. If they aren't picked up at that time you can put them in your attic to rot (lol) until she makes an appointment to come pick them up again at a time that is convenient for you, not her.

If she does that and has an appointment to come pick them up, I would hand her the bag, even help her load them in her car but I would not give her run of the house.

difficult child has obviously not learned that, as an adult living at home is a privilege not a right.

After your Al-Anon meeting, go buy some decorating magazines and decide how you will convert difficult child's bedroom. Do you need a craft room? Den? Media room?

Suz

 

[Kathy813]

You are right, Suz. He said that before we had a chance to talk it over. We didn't know that difficult child would come back this morning for her stuff. He did meet her at the door and did not allow her inside the house. husband had already packed up all of her stuff and had it sitting in the garage for her. She took some of it and said that she would be back Monday for the rest.

As far as taking a break . . . I'm way ahead of you. She called me this afternoon and I ignored the call. She told husband that she was changing her number so we couldn't contact her so it now shows up as "private number." I don't know why in the world she thought I would want to call her.

Anyway, since I didn't answer she left two voice messages lecturing me on "relationships" being a two way street. I had husband listen to it in case it was a threat but didn't listen to it myself. I told husband that I was taking a break and that I thought he should, too. I'm not sure he will be able to cut her off completely . . . even for a little while.

We didn't go to the Al-Anon meeting because we are afraid to leave the house until we get the alarm system activated (Monday). We don't think she has any keys since she was always calling us telling us that she couldn't get into the house if we were out and she arrived home early but the alarm will make us feel better. We plan to go to the meeting next week.

It's sad that we could believe that she is evil enough to hurt our innocent dogs to spite us but she has threatened to do it before.

Oh, and I have already pulled out the nice comforter set and curtains that I had removed from difficult child's bedroom and put it all back in the room. I also was able to put back up the nice shower curtain and guest towels that she kept getting hair products all over so I took them down so she couldn't ruin them. husband filled in the holes left in the walls from her pictures and painted over them. It looks so nice now!

 

[Suz]

High five, girlfriend- you're doing great!

Suz

 

[Fran]

Way To Go!!! Heck, turn it into a craft room or a study so there isn't even a bed to return to.
Not answering her calls may be the easiest, non confrontational thing you can do. Gives you a break and not get sucked into her drama.

 

[witzend]

Consider the clothes and concealer to be her parting gift and buy yourself something new. Change the locks first thing in the AM so that you won't have to worry. {{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs, Kathy. We're getting close to a similar situation around here.

 

[DammitJanet]

Honestly I also would consider it money and clothes gone but I just have this penchant for wanting to take someone on to one of the Court shows. I think they are a blast! You would have to pick your case wisely to pick which show to take it on.

Yes I have no life.

 

[Hound dog]

Yes I have no life.

I used to watch those shows when the kids were little. I had to stop though, I was getting a really low opinion of the human race. lol