difficult child was sure into it today!!!

[neednewtechnique]

MAN O MAN have we been in for it today. It all started when I asked our difficult child to sweep the bathroom and kitchen floors so I could mop (this is normally not an issue, but for some reason today, she didn't want to do it) and she got upset that I was standing in the kitchen, so she jammed the broom into my foot, and I very nicely told her that THAT was not necessary and that she should have politely asked me to move if I was in her way. This made her even madder, so she tossed the broom at me, and started to run up to her room, screaming and cursing the whole way there. My husband, thankfully, stepped in and tried to fix the situation, and she got him so ANGRY, and he sent her outside to do grounds work for the rest of the day. At this point, it is pretty hot out, so I take a glass of ice water out to the garage for her and set it on the table so she would at least have something to drink. BIG MISTAKE, she very rudely proclaimed that she did not WANT a glass of water, and tried to throw the entire glass of ICE WATER on me. Luckily, I stepped out of the way JUST IN TIME to AVOID being SOAKED. At some point while she was outside, I went upstairs to check the condition of the girls' bedrooms and see if the floors needed attention, and I found that she had stolen her dad's laser pointer (he plays with the dogs with it, no big deal, but she still should not have taken it without asking) and when I ask her about it, she gets VERY MAD and starts throwing things and cursing at me some more.

When we sent her out there to do this grounds work, she was told that she was NOT to come back into the house until she "made nice" with my husband and I. I went out to check on her, and she RUDELY informed me that she had to use the bathroom. I asked her if she was ready to be nice yet, and she started screaming at me again and got in my face and tried to tell me she was going to go into the pool house and lock herself in the poolhouse bathroom and we would NEVER be able to get her to come out!!! I tried to calmly explain to her that for TWO reasons this would not work. Number one, the poolhouse is kept locked at all times, and I am the only one with a key, and Number two, we had the water shut off in the poolhouse becuse it isn't being used on a very regular basis and she could not use the toilet when there is no water supply to it. I felt bad about this, but I told her that she could stay outside, and when she decided she was ready to be nice, talk to me DECENTLY, then I would let her in to use the restroom. I said nothing else, and then I went back inside to get my housework done. While I was walking back towards the door, she was shrieking and screaming that she was going to squat on our patio and wet herself if I didn't let her come in, and at that poing, I wasn't sure if she would or not, but I was hoping she would come to her senses before it came to that. It only took about 20 minutes after that, and she was standing at the garage door knocking, waiting for us to come to the door (it was NOT locked, she could have easily came in the house on her own), and she was crying (but much calmer) telling me she was so sorry and that she decided she was ready to be nice and gave me a hug, then asked if she could go to the bathroom. Of course, I let her in then to use the restroom, still wondering how long the niceness would last after she got what she wanted, but believe it or not, she was VERY nice and VERY respectful for the rest of the day!!!

I am a little nervous, even now that the whole thing is over with, that I might have been a bit too harsh to not allow her in to use the restroom, but like I said, the doors weren't locked, she COULD get in any time she wanted, and all she had to do was be nice and the whole thing would have been over with.

I know it worked, and I made quite an impression on her, but do you think I was too harsh on her???

 

[pinevalley]

Hi!, No, I don't think that you were too harsh with your daughter today. You did the best that you could under a very difficult situation. Sometimes when a difficult child is in a rage they can get totally out of control, and there is nothing that will calm then dowm. You let your difficult child know that there are rules she has to follow in your house, and that is a really good message to send to your daughter. You should be proud for the way that you handles this difficult situation. Hugs to you,

 

[Hound dog]

No, you weren't too hard on her. You simply used creative parenting to show difficult child that raging and disrespecting people are not the way to get what she wants.

I do the same when N is raging.

You let the rage play itself out without getting sucked into it. Good for you! :warrior:

Hugs

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #990000"> have to ask...recent visit with-bio? maybe the one you mentioned in your other thread??

sounds like it was a rough day all around. the only thing i would have told her was that if she did her business on the patio she'd have one more thing to clean up lol.

hope today is calmer for you guys.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[timer lady]

Jeez - sounds like visit with bio mom had a lasting effect (to the negative) on difficult child.

It may sound harsh (personally would never try it on wm - he'd take me up on the invite to pee on the patio), & it's what you had to do.

Having said that, extreme measures are many times needed for our little wonders. And you still have CPS in the midst of this mess. Watch your step here.

Sending positive thoughts for a much better day ahead.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm going to take a slightly opposing view. I don't think you were wrong, but I would have let her use the bathroom, without question, then sent her back outside. Other than that, I think you did fine. I'm not aware of your situation with bios (can barely keep up with my own kids let alone all those on the board), but bio. visits can be very stressful on kids, but it sounds like it all turned out well. Don't second guess yourself. If this happens again, do it like you did this time or let her in to pee and kick her out again :smile: Great that it all worked out!

 

[Alisonlg]

Hmmmm...think I'm going to lean towards MWM here. I'm just putting myself in your difficult child's shoes...feeling angry, hurt, resentful, and having a full bladder...I would find it 10 times more difficult to calm down and be respectful and kind with my bladder getting more irritating by the second. I'm impressed that your difficult child was able to pull it together and calm down. My M probably would have continued to rage for hours simply because of the bladder issue. But, you know your child better than WE do! :smile:

 

[BusynMember]

Also, like to add that not allowing a child to go to the bathroom could cause serious problems with CPS. I think they'd see it as abusive, like withholding food. I wouldn't go there again. JMO

 

[JJJ]

I think you did great. If she's like my Kanga, she didn't really need to use the bathroom it was just one more trick she was trying to pull to not do what you told her to do. I'd do exactly the same thing.

 

[neednewtechnique]

Well, after having time to sleep on the events that occured yesterday and think about them some more, and having a chance to read some of the responses, I would like to point out, that, again, we didn't lock her out of the house, she could technically come in whenever she wanted, and it was made very clear to her that as soon as she was ready to calm down and be nice, she was more than welcome to come in, use the restroom, get a drink, etc (she was not permitted a glass of water outside, because when I tried to take a glass of water out for her, she tried to throw it on me). I was NOT refusing to allow her to use the restroom I was simply putting it in HER hands to make the decisions, and told her what she needed to do to get there.

As for the questions about a visit, YES, the visit happened Saturday night, and we are always prepared because we know this is going to make things difficult, but we don't feel that it is appropriate to allow such behavior or excuse it because of visits with mom. She needs to learn that certain upsetting events are bound to happen to us all, but that we have to find ways to function despite what's going on around us.

Besides, situations with our difficult child are a little different than some of yours. Our difficult child may get out of control on occasion, but the MAJORITY of the tantrums SHE throws are Manipulation. This came because she DID used to be out of control and used to throw these tantrums when she COULDN'T help it, and before, it always got her what she wanted, and got her attention. Now that she has learned how to CONTROL her fits (to a point, sometimes she really is out of control) she continues to throw the fits becuase they always worked before on everyone else. She is figuring out that we don't give in like her bio mom and she is trying harder and harder and I think she is finally getting close to the point when she sees that we are not playing around and that she is NOT going to gain anything from behaving this way. If I had honestly thought there was no chance of her recovering from her tantrum, I would have allowed her in for a bathroom break and sent her back out, but since I KNEW she still had control, I was making her use that CONTROL properly.