difficult child's and rules

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Why is it that difficult child's just CAN'T (or maybe it's more like WON'T) follow rules??

    As some of you know my difficult child has been in a motel placement since the end of June. The psychiatrist deemed him shelter inappropriate meaning that his mental illness makes it extremely hard for him to live with others so social services is looking for a rooming house for him but he's in the motel in the meantime. If he lasts there.

    They have minimal rules. And I mean minimal. No overnight guests, keep your room clean, and be back in the room by 1 am. Seems simple right?

    Well not so simple for difficult child. The biggest problem is that his room is disgusting. Food containers, wrappers, dirty clothes everywhere! It's completely filthy. I refuse to even set foot near the door. OMG I'm having a panic attack just thinking about that level of filth.

    Anyway when I dropped food off for difficult child earlier the motel manager came up to me and said that its so bad in there that if difficult child doesn't clean it the health department will be called and difficult child will be asked to leave. He said all of this in front of difficult child. difficult child started to argue saying it was clean etc. I said ok I'm coming in to look then. At that point difficult child started cursing and saying they were picking on him and went in and slammed the door. He wouldn't let me look at the room.

    So instead of keeping his room clean he's risking being homeless again bc it's "not fair" that he has to follow rules and clean his room. If he gets kicked out social services will be completely done with him and he'll be on the streets again. Ughhhhhhhhh!! I want to scream! I'm so frustrated and simply disgusted right now.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy. I understand exactly how you feel, it is remarkably frustrating when you work so hard to get them safe and they blow it simply because they can't follow simple human guidelines............I get it. Your boy is still young so there may be time for you to continue on this path with him, we all come to that time when we've had enough, only you can determine when that time is. It took me a long time to get there, but once I did, I was done. There are likely options you can explore with him once your frustration level diminishes, help him clean his room, impress upon him the importance of the 'rules,' hire someone to clean it up............in some fashion assist him in his quest to be free of all demands put on him AND clean up his room too. OR, just let natural consequences reign. That ends up being more about what YOU can tolerate. Can you be okay with him on the streets? He may ultimately end up there due to his own choices. At some point you may need to let go and allow that. But, this may not be that time. I just wanted you to know that I 'get' how you feel. It is monstrously frustrating. I've been there done that. Vent away. I hear ya.
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks RE - it helps to know that someone "gets it".

    I talked to him before and we were both a lot more calm. I'm going to get him some cleaning supplies tomorrow so he can clean. I don't want him back on the streets. I want him to be ok. I'm not going to clean the room for him but I'll get him the supplies so he can do it and then I'll check the room daily when I stop in there. Hopefully that will help keep him on track. He can't live in filth. It's not healthy physically or mentally but it doesn't seem to bother him in the least. :(
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, reverse psychology doesn't usually work with MI. You can't make it a rule that he "has to" keep his room messy... because he WOULD keep that rule.
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I don't think they see it.

    Do you think it would help if you made him a very simple schedule of morning and evening tasks? With maybe a star system or something, so he can let himself know what he has accomplished, and what still needs to be done?

    Maybe you could explain to him that part of his illness is not understanding that others find "letting things go" offensive. That if difficult child would like to keep his privacy, he will need to perform these tasks each morning, and each evening, so that others will find it more pleasant to live near him.

    Try not to engage in the drama with him, Cdn.

    Do what you can for him and then, for your own sake, let it go.

  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I bought him cleaning supplies this morning. And when I dropped the stuff off I went in to see if the room was clean. It was cleaned up but OMG did that room stink to high heavens. Not sure if if was his feet or the garbage but wow. I didn't want to criticize so I just gently mentioned that he needed to open the window for a bit. I also joked to him that I'm going to buy some Febreeze tomorrow bc of those commercials where they blindfold the people and sit them in stinky places and all they smell is the Febreeze. He laughed at that but I'm really buying him some lol. Anyway I made a deal with him - if he keeps the room clean daily I will give him train money to the next town over 3 times a week so he can visit his friends. It's only $5.50 round trip so that won't break the bank. He seemed excited about that so hopefully it will be an incentive to keep the room clean.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Better than Febreeze... get him a deodorizer box of baking soda (it's regular soda, but the box has a row of vents up each side so that more air flows through). Febreeze covers the smells. Baking soda literally EATS the odours. It's even save to sprinkle on carpet before vacuuming - but in a rental place I'd be checking with the owner/manager first.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think your decision to help in someways to help him with his room. I would also suggest those plug in deodorizer things. I keep a set of the ones for auto's in my car vents and boy do they make my car smell wonderful even though Im a smoker. Also several years ago when we had either a rat or a couple of mice die in our walls, we used those older ones that just have that screw up top and dropped them in the vents for the duct work. It helped a ton. Also if you think it could possibly be his feet, get him some spray and powder for his shoes. That works well. I have a husband who does construction and his boots end up REALLY stinky sometimes. I have enforced the spray at night and I put powder in the boots at least once a week.