difficult child's joblessness is getting to me. Not sure where to go from here

[InsaneCdn]

Would be nice to get to the point where you know whether there is a diagnosis at play here, or not.
If she's just being a PITB foot-dragging free-loader... you'll react differently than if she is in the middle of a major depression, for example.

Like so many things in life, knowledge is power... and we don't ever seem to have enough knowledge soon enough.

 

[dashcat]

Janet,
Her lack of motivation is baffling. Everything about it points to pot, but she's careful enough that I've not been able to catch her (and I have banned the hookah, much to her dismay).

Like many difficult child's, she tested as gifted and then got tossed from the gifted classes/programs because she didn't work. She was an honor student when she worked,a n nearly failing when she didn't. She went to an amazing college-prep Catholic high school, which she loved. She was nearly failing in her first semester of college and was told she'd be yanked if she didn't bring her grades up. Right before 2nd semester mid-terms, she walked off campus in Virigina (we live in Ohio) and took off to North Carolina with a guy she'd been talking to for one week on the internet. She was failing all classes and, as you can imagine, that was the end of her out of state college experience.

I made her an offer about school: if she returns (local community college only ... no more campus living for her!), she must pay for the semester (she does have money in a college fund ...just enough to barely cover this). If she does well (as in gets the kind of grades she is capable of getting), at the end of the semester, I will reiumburse her. She can use that money for the next semester and so on.

Since returning from her fling at Roanoke College, she has claimed she was going to go back to school to: become a hairdresser, a wedding planner, an interior designer, a legal mediator OR, she would simply skip school and write the great american novel.

Since returnign from Roanoke (we sent an uncle to retrieve her from her internet boy experience), she has worked 1. in a nursing home doing laundry. 2. She quit without notice to work at a local reailer as Christmas help. 3. was let go as she was seaosonal help. 4. Got a job at another retailer - real nice department store, about 20 hours per week. 5. Fired for shoplifting (she tells DEX it was a misunderstanding, and he believes her, even though she received certified letters about it and had to pay it back or they would press charges). 6. Gets job at Pizza Hut. 7. Quits because her boss plays angry birds on the computer instead of helping in the store .... Also, quits but pretends to go to work for two weeks before telling me (but tells her dad,who keeps it from me).

That was in June.

I went to Families Anonymous last night and also called Nancy for a lifeline, so I'm feeling much stronger today.

I sent her out again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to DEX's to watch Lost but I did warn him.

She claimed to apply to Manpower and Integrity staffing online. Also claimed she got a lead for a job at Big Lots.

And, it's funny, because prior to her going away to Roanoke, she worked steadily as a babysitter since she was 12. She babysat for her voice coach's son and,in the summer, babysat for him and for another family. There were also many night jobs and she was in demand. I requried her to save 50% of her pay, and she had quite a nest egg ... all of which is now blown. I've suggested looking into daycare jobs and she won't even consider it.

Weird.

 

[DaisyFace]

She seems way too complacent about her life right now. This whole "oh I will maybe apply at a fast food joint...sometime, maybe, if it suits me" stuff just doesnt make a whole lot of sense to me. Where is the get up and go stuff that most folks have when they are young.

This was my whole point about talking to difficult children about what they *should* be doing. I think sometimes our difficult children get "stuck"...and unlike their peers - they lack forward vision and motivation to change. And it's way too easy for them to get stuck in a rut.

I think that Dash needs to start pointing out to her difficult child that a job allows her the *freedom* to choose her life. She gets to decide where and how she lives. She gets to decide what kind of phone she wants, what kind of car she drives, etc. She won't have to wait on other people to do things for her.

I also think that Dash really needs to connect the dots for her difficult child. Even though it seems obvious to the rest of us - I'm betting her difficult child hasn't figured out the big picture.

 

[dashcat]

Insane,
We must have been posting at the same time. Yes, a diagnosis would be hugely helpful. I do think she is in a pretty serious depression. I just cannot seem to reach her in that fog. She is seeing a therapist. In the meantime, I really feel I have not choice but to stand my ground as to her getting a job.

Daisey,
I really have tried. I got her this great book called Career Match a few months ago. Just left it on her bed. She was thrilled with it. Agood friend of mine who is a career coach uses it in her work. It's geared toward matching your strenghts up with the kind of work where you can shine. (I'm a pretty good example of this - mild Adhd working as a photographer. I'm paid to have a short attention span!). I've encouraged her every step of the way. She can't even seem to take those small steps that you are suggesting.

She seems to not care that she has no money - she has boyfriend and the enabling friend who pay her way on the rare nights she wants to go out. This has depression and or drugs written all over it, yet I am stuck at this point as to what more I can do ...or not do.

Dash

 

[InsaneCdn]

If you're leaning toward depression as the likely diagnosis, then she needs more than a therapist. If she's in that much fog, she needs medications, or the therapist stuff won't reach her either. Until we got the right AD for difficult child - and enough of it - nothing else made much difference.

 

[DaisyFace]

Daisey,
I really have tried. I got her this great book called Career Match a few months ago. Just left it on her bed. She was thrilled with it. Agood friend of mine who is a career coach uses it in her work. It's geared toward matching your strenghts up with the kind of work where you can shine. (I'm a pretty good example of this - mild Adhd working as a photographer. I'm paid to have a short attention span!). I've encouraged her every step of the way. She can't even seem to take those small steps that you are suggesting.

She seems to not care that she has no money - she has boyfriend and the enabling friend who pay her way on the rare nights she wants to go out. This has depression and or drugs written all over it, yet I am stuck at this point as to what more I can do ...or not do.

Dash

Dash--

I hope you don't feel as if I am badgering you....

I am trying to say that I don't think she is CAPABLE of taking those small steps right now. I think she has to be "taught" how to start thinking of herself as a responsible adult. I think she considers a career a very abstract thing right now. She knows that other people have them - she just cannot fathom herself in one.

And when one cannot envision a thing - one cannot do it.

That's what I have seen in my own difficult child in regards to future choices. She comes up with all the fantastic career goals....goals that have no reality. Slowly, slowly we've had to demonstrate to her the thought process involved in making "real-life" decisions. We do a lot of "What if....?" scenarios. difficult child's initial repsonse is usually flustered - she seems to have no ability to plan or choose or prepare for contingencies....so we will re-visit the same "What if...?" over and over again. Eventually, she comes to understand that she can make choices. She can make a plan....and a second-choice if something goes wrong....but in many ways she is still trying to figure this out and so we are still working on this.

I think your difficult child may need to work on those skills, too.

It's wonderful that you got her that career book...and a typical person might have gotten inspired and decided to make some choices based on the info in the book. But I'll bet that your daughter read the book as though it did not apply to her personally. She really needs somebody (maybe the counselor) to connect the dots for her. She needs to learn how she can choose and plan for herself.

 

[dashcat]

No, Daisy, I don't feel badgered at all. And I do get it. The book I am talking about is very step by step. It helps you to identify your strengths (and my difficult child loves these kind of exercise things), and then points you in the direction of the type of work suited for your type of work style. The suggestions range from waitress to foreign correxpondant (not really, but you get the idea). and then there's a government website where you can look up the training that each career path requires.

What I suggested was her immediate goal is any kind of job suited to her personality type...i.e, a bank teller? no. Day care worker? probably Coffee barista? even better. I am working iwth her to start small conquer individual obstacles. When she comes to me wiith one of her big picture solutions ... hairdersser? I put her in touch with my hairdresser, who is a young salon owner. She offered to allow difficult child to shadow for a few days to get a feel for whether or not she might like it and even suggested a possilbity that she fill in at reception about once a month. All she had to do was make the phone call. It may well be that this is a process, and I will have to keep encouraging her slowly but, in all honesty,it's pretty hard to pry her away from her big picture view. She''ll post a photo of a beach house on tumbr with a comment: this is where I'll live after I get hurt at WalMart. Sadly, this is a solution to her.

insane, I'm hoping the therapist will do a referral to a psychiatrist. Not sure how effective I'd be right now in getting her to take that next step. I feel like my hands are tied right now. She has a lot of anger toward me for not allowing her to sleep until 2:00, get on the internet all day, eat and not work. I'm afraid my suggestions hold little weight and Mr. Ostrich is in major denial about any depression. She does listen to her therapist. .... usually. Fingers crossed.

Oh - and the gas situation? I was going to the store and she actually asked me to get her a bottle of Two Buck Chuck (this is northeast ohio speak, I believe, for some cheap but pretty good wine). She has $4 coming to her from my sister's garage sale. Really? I told her I'd give her the money when I had change,but suggested she use it for gas. Like I would buy her wine and then not give her gas money! The boyfriend stopped by before and now she isout in her car attending a party. I'm guessing he gave her gas money. I'm officially no longer feeling badly for not caving in!

Dash