Disappointment? Shock? Numb? Nothing?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hopeful97, Feb 20, 2016.

  1. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    It is weird, this feeling.

    Talked with son Wednesday he sounded a mess, really crying and upset. I have told him he can contact me when he is this bad. We talked for a while he basically said the same thing in a lot of different ways. I asked him if there was something I could do, he said no (maybe he is starting to get it, when when I ask is there something I can do he knows really at this point the only thing I will do is meet him somewhere to talk, which we do but rarely). Conservstion ended abruptly, son suddenly says I have to go love you. I respond love you too.

    Until Wednesday I had not had contact with son for quite a while. Hubs usually has contact a couple of times a week, which is fine, he us at a different place on our portion of this journey concerning our difficult son. One thing we very much agree on is that son cannot be anywhere around our home.

    Thursday evening son calls, hubs answers, son wants to speak with me hubs says "you can talk to me". They talk for a while - hubs tells son the news... let me sidetrack for a bit need to get better understanding of this weird feeling (Difficult son got really upset after an emergency happened with hubs and difficult son was not informed in an asap fashion as other members of the family. We would want to know if situation was reversed. We told we were wrong and it would not happen like that again he would know as soon as everyone else. Another er with hubs older son contacted and got an indifferent response, but we kept him updated....fast forward to Thursday evening, hubs tells d c that "mom has cancer" d c talk to hubs a little longer. There is literally no response from d c to this news. Again not surprising - hurtful maybe a little, disappointment maybe a little, emptiness maybe a little, shock maybe a little, numbness maybe a little, nothingness maybe a little - as of tonight no further contact.

    The cancer is called DCIS. More on that in a minute.

    I am thankful that God lead me to this site and to Al Anon 2 very important and the most recent tools added to my toolbox. I am really at peace with my situation with the cancer, not putting up a front but really not scared a little at times but mostly at peace . This feeling or whatever you want to call it that I have with regard to my d c s response I can add to the list above "peace maybe a little, fear maybe a little". My sis reminds because of d c s illnesses (untreated bi polar, adhd, aspd and addiction illnesses) it may take him a little time to process such news to be able to respond or if he will be able to respond. Regardless this feeling is not a bad feeling some of it is peace, maybe because it is a peace with not being surprised at all with d c s reaction or just because I know that d c may never change but regardless I will always be his mom and I will always love him and care about him.

    The cancer is breast cancer. Very early from what sis has researched seems to be earliest that this type can be caught. doctor said it is very early has not had chance to spread me and family will be meeting with doctor Monday afternoon to discuss treatment plans which could mean another surgery and further treatment or just further treatment.

    A lot going on, Whew!

    How I can wait for warm weather and my flower gardens. The weather where I live has been teasing us, it has been known to get very cold and snow in March sometimes a little into April. You just never know. Is there anyone out there who knows what if anything you can do to protect lilies that begin to sprout and shouldn't be beginning until mid May to early June?

    I am so thankful for this site.

    Thank you for listening, caring and responding. I am so very thankful the Good Lord led me to this site and to Ala Non.

    Huge Hugs and Blessings to All,
  2. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Hopeful,

    Please keep us posted on this journey you have ahead of you. It sounds like you are going to be fine, but there are bound to be a ton of emotions. I know there are others on the board that have experienced similar and will be a source of strength.

    Your sister sounds like a wise woman!

    It is difficult to understand why different people respond different ways to serious news, and especially if it is our own flesh & blood. I hope you do not give that much thought at all and know that your son loves you as best he can.

    Stay close to the board, okay? Like you, I am most grateful for this place.

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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Hopeful, it is good to see you writing here, I have missed you. There is so much going on. I am reading in your post that the good Lord is giving you peace, despite all that is happening. I want to write about YOU first, because that is what needs to be. YOU first.

    Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. This is your time, to do what you need to, to keep finding peace and fight the good fight for your health. I am glad your family will be with you when you go to the doctor on Monday. I will be thinking of you and praying for continued strength and support from your loved ones. It is good to know the cancer has not spread, and I am sure the doctors will do their best to help you in this battle. You are strong and faithful, and I am sure you will pull through with flying colors. Keep thinking positively, it has helped my Mom tremendously throughout her journey with lung cancer. She has continued to amaze the doctors with her resilience. Prayers and positive thinking have been her strength.
    I am sending that to you, prayers and positive thoughts, my dear warrior sister.

    Your son is on his journey. I am sure sis is right, that with his illness, he has not fully processed this and does not begin to know how to respond appropriately. I am sure he is still focused on him, that is what our d cs do best, unfortunately. You are doing well, Hopeful, not letting his lack of response drag you down. I am proud of you. It is hard. You are doing this, one step, one day at a time. You are showing your son, with your faith and strength, how he can live and be strong, too, in spite of his difficulties.

    Keep keeping on and being your wonderful self.
    You are a bright shining light.

    Much love
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I had dcis 20 years ago. I had a masectomy only because I worry a lot. No problem since. This cancer is considered stage 0. Just wanted to reassure you that this is very curable. I didnt have chemo or anything. If I had had just a lumpectomy I would have just needed radiation. You are lucky it was found so early.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Hopeful,

    I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It's never easy to hear those words "you have cancer" I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma when I was 30.

    Now is the time for you to focus on just you. Do things for yourself that bring you peace and joy.
    I remember my oncologist telling me that stress was not allowed and I laughed and said "have you met my son"
    It was difficult for me because my son was just starting his journey of being a Difficult Child. Over the years I have learned that my health is number one on my list. If I'm not healthy I am no good to myself or anyone else. There is everyday stress that we all deal with but when it comes to people who bring stress into our lives, we get to choose not to let them.

    I'm glad it was found early. Holding you in my prayers for healing.
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  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi Hopeful, I'm so glad you posted.

    To my mind, this is the most important thing and most of the time, the only thing, we need to say to them. They know what else we'd like to say because we've said it 1000 times. They know. But I want to always know I have said "I love you" and to have heard it. That is really all that really matters, in the end.

    I'm glad. You sound good. You sound centered but also feeling your feelings. A very good place to be, I hope. We're here for you and with you.

    Praying you get the best news today and that all will be well in due time. So glad you will have family with you.

    I second this. It's time now for you. Let him do whatever he will do. He loves you and of course he cares about this. He is doing all he can right now. Just like we all area.

    Another yes! Peace, joy, contentment, serenity, happiness. Keep it simple. Do at least one thing FOR YOU every single day. I love to buy flowers for the kitchen table from the grocery store. This past weekend they had cut daffodils at Kroger and I bought three bunches and put them in a vase. Every time I walk through that kitchen and see them I am happy and completely in the moment. It doesn't have to be big and fancy. Do what makes YOU smile. The rest will take care of itself in due time.

    Warm hugs this afternoon. Praying for you.
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  7. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I too am very sorry to hear of your diagnosis. So happy to hear it was diagnosis'd early. I'm a firm believer in listening to what the doctors have to say, probably doing what they recommend (second opinions if you aren't sure) but also I believe in other ideas re cancer tx and prevention.

    There is a lot of cancer in my family and I've lost too many. I believe strongly in avoiding sugar, avoiding junk food, eating lots of veggies etc. And super important is avoiding stress when possible, or at least learning well how to manage it. This is all magnified when there has been an actual diagnosis.

    So, it is extra important to allow wise loved ones who are able to help you with your Difficult Child to do so. Your sister sounds smart and helpful!

    I have found our bipolar adopted daughter to be a caring person, but unable to process things quickly or well. And she easily over reacts.

    Bottom line, remove yourself from drama when you can, let much go in one ear and out the other, take excellent care of yourself, don't let an ounce of Difficult Child stuff "get" to you, eat well and enjoy life wholly and fully.

    Hugs hugs hugs!!!!:)
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  8. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Thank you so very much all of you for all of the prayers and support, information and Positive Vibes all greatly appreciated and much needed! :semi-twins: I know there is tremendous power through prayer. Jesus is with me! :angel:

    Second meeting with oncology surgeon. A left re-excision Monday morning. This will be followed by radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks and taking an estrogen blocker for 5 years. Didn't realize that there are types and grades within the stage, i.e., I have DCIS which is breast cancer stage 0 and there are 3 levels called types of the DCIS and 3 grades differing by least amount of cancer cells to to most amount of cancer cells within the breast ducts. Really learning a lot. Have a very good surgeon, she explains things very well. She referred me to www.breastcancer.org excellent resource.

    Have had contact with d c several times within the past few days after a while with no contact between me and d c. He is purchasing clothing on line and has it sent here. Hubby or I meet up with him to deliver to him.

    Big surprise d c said I will just wait to contact you until everything comes and you guys will only have to get it to me once.

    The past few contacts have been short and simple, dare I say pleasant, maybe due to more acceptable behavior and manners but still tugging at my heart because of the tough journey he has choosen. Just tugging a little less right now and for some time now.

    Anyway, I told him that I liked seeing him lately, he replied me too I am worried about you and I love you, I said I love you too. Made me feel better. Cannot say better about what just better.

    D c has several issues with police in various precincts he was telling us about. I did something I have not done for a while (perhaps testing the waters) I responded more than "I'm sorry or that's to bad" not much more and all went well. I call that progress! :hi5:

    I so appreciate this sight and the support so much not only with each others journeys with our d c s but with each others personal journeys also.

    Much Love and Huge Bear Hugs
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  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hopeful, sounds like you are in good hands with your doctor and have a solid plan to beat this. Good. I will be pulling for you, thinking positive thoughts and sending prayers up for your health and peace of mind and heart. I am so glad your conversations with your son have been better. It sounds like he may be understanding a little bit more. This is good progress. Sending warm thoughts and big hugs your way girl. Keep the faith, you are going to be alright.

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  10. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member


    I hope you are doing well. I have been thinking about you.

    Son has been contacting me more, now he seems like he may be concerned rather than indifferent - just have to remember our d c s care in their own ways. He called today allegedly to say he was worried about me and loved me. Then he proceeded to tell me about a break up and other chaos and drama. I am sooooooo GLAD that I don't have to deal with that crap. Then he starts with what are you doing right now, I say I have niece over, then what about later, I respond I will be pretty tied up today. Classic it took a little longer time with more frequent contact but I know he was hinting around for a ride, money or something. Well he is in for big surprise when he does ask ,everyone and the response is no or I cannot. That boat has sailed and will not be back in port for a very long time. I am sure that some kind of consequences are coming for d c for missed court dates and various charges. He talked a little about it I mostly listened from what I gather something is inevitable but that is not a surprise. We believe he is still involved I very dangerous activities and with very dangerous people so contact is going to have to mostly be via phone or internet.

    I still have this wonderful, beyond human comprehension , peace. There have been a few dips but for the most part it is all good.

    I can say that I do not really feel worried about son just concerned . I am sure that this also will go back and forth. I consider where I am at now on this portion of my journey with d c to be "slow" for lack of a better term. As soon as he needs a ride, money, etc., which I can tell is coming and he gets another no it will go back to no contact. I am sure I will end up ending the communication because of his reaction to "no". I know you all can relate, just have to get it out. It is frustrating but now through my progress via God, this site and Ala Non, I have learned so much and continue to do so, I have learned enough to "pull back " (for lack of a better term) and try to take care of me.

    Thank you all for listening.

    Huge Hugs
  11. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member


    After contact with son today not sure if he is beginning to understand or if this another angle son has, stay tuned. LOL

    One has to laugh now and then!

  12. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Dear Hopeful,
    I have been following your post and staying Hopeful and prayerful with you. Your insight into the last contact with son confirms your admirable inner strength and peace.
    Just slowing down and taking one day at a time, one piece of the drama at a time. And as we continue to learn so much and take care of ourselves first, then we can better do what needs to be done / or not done.
    It is such freedom to be able to share to others who “get it.” Take care. We are going to be alright. ~ Kalahou
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am glad you have your sense of humor, but remember, if things get stressful, no more! Let your hubs deal with him!
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I had vulva cancer stage 0 twice. Each time I had laser surgery to remove - no radiation or anything. First healing was a lot worse than the second but I praise God I have not had it come back again. It has been about five years now since the last surgery. They told me that it was directly linked to HPV and smoking. I quit smoking the first time I had surgery but started smoking again and lo and behold that is when the cancer came back. I have not touched a cigarette since and the cancer has not come back. Coincidence? NOPE. I abhor smoking now and cannot even be anywhere around it - nor would I want to risk my health being around it. Blech!

    I will keep you in my prayers - sounds like it was caught early enough to get rid of! (((HUGS))) <3
  15. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member


    Phone call from d c Saturday. He apologized I asked for what he says this is going to break your heart but I am going to be going to jail and proceeds to tell me about programs they have at our county jail that are various lengths of time. I am happy to report I was and am not heart broken at this news. I knew it was coming because of all the various charges and missed court dates. D c goes on to apologize again and I ask for what he says for everything. I say thank you. (I tell hubs this and he says you should have said when are you going to start paying us. This is a good thing because it tells me that hubs has made great strides along this journey from where he had been just a couple of weeks ago.) D c then says if you want you can put money in an account at the jail and I can call you or you can come see me if you want but you don't have to. I tell d c I know we don't have to but that we would probably come see him and would probably put money in an account so he could make phone calls but hubs and I would talk about it when the time came.

    D c then tells me "I was a delinquent and now am a man" I have did things and now I have to deal with it. Stupidly, I ask are your clothes and things going to be there when you get out. He says yes. I say well if the people you are living with move or something what are you going to do. I tell him if he wants to store his clothes our home that would be okay. He says he will give the mom of the family he is staying with my phone number and will get hers to give to me. We end conversation d c says I love you I respond I love you too.

    D c gets picked up by local police later that evening. I start thinking I don't have the phone number of where he is staying to get his clothes. Should I just go over there. I can feel a panic beginning, I call my sis she simply say you have grown a lot the past few months remember what you have learned from the CD website and Ala Non. I slow down to think about things and quickly realize several things but first and foremost it is not my problem. D c did not ask if I would get clothes. I offered to store them, it ends there. (pat myself on the back). It feels really good to say Not My Problem.

    D c comes by the house last night, hubs answers and d c says he is here to get package that came for him in the mail. Hubs gives it to him and talks to him for a couple of minutes. I ask hubs did d c ask how I was doing or anything (as I had surgery that morning) hubs says no he just said how he is running from police until March 10. We have no idea what March 10 is other than maybe that is when he has to be in court for whatever he was picked up for. At any rate it is still not my problem.

    I don't believe there has been much change regarding my d c , and it is really sad.

    Feels kind of strange no tears and not getting worked up about latest concerning d c.

    Surgery went well yesterday. Doctor will contact me when pathology report comes back and we will discuss next step. It is my understanding that if this pathology report comes back clean I will have 6 weeks of radiation 5 days week followed by 5 years of taking an estrogen blocker. Pain is manageable mainly tender under left arm. I am a survivor.

    I am doing good and very much at peace!:angel:

    Thanks for listening and your responses!

    Thank you for all of yours prayers and support! Standing Strong!

    Huge Hugs,
  16. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Take what is yours and leave the rest. That is exactly what you did. Good for you! And I am so glad your surgery went well. Praying for continued peace and healing.
  17. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hello, Hopeful. Just wanted to let you know I am reading along and sending you healing thoughts. I am glad the surgery went well. It is hard to find anything good to say about cancer, but I think maybe one good thing is it makes us more honest and focused on what's important. You sound good, able to put all of d.c.'s stuff into perspective. Focus on YOU right now...actually, we should ALL put more of the focus on ourselves! But you in particular! Keep us posted.
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Hopeful I am glad your surgery went well Tuesday, I hope that you are comfortable and able to rest up and let your body heal.
    I am so very pleased that you staying steady state and at peace with everything going on.
    You are so very strong. A warrior sister.