Does dealing with your difficult child make YOU feel manic?!?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Last ♡ Hope, May 4, 2011.

  1. Last ♡ Hope

    Last ♡ Hope New Member

    Seriously, there are times when I am *this* close to putting him in foster care because I am just *so* done. I am absolutely serious. Like I don't even care what kind of people they stick him with because I am just that desperate to have my normal life back. Desperate for my other kids to have a good and happy life for ONCE. To be able to do things as a family for ONCE. This is how I walk around feeling when he's at his worst, and it can be a day or it can be a month, but as long as he's exploding - this is my frame of mind. And it feels really, really ****thank you. I'm not proud of it, but when your child beats the **** out of you, and you can't do much about it because really, you could hurt him, and your baby and your ten year old are bawling because they're scared for their mama, you just want to be done. You don't want to try more medications. You don't want try a new technique or approach. You just want difficult child to leave.

    And then the exploding recedes for awhile. He's cuddly and never misses an opportunity to say 'Love you mommy!'. And you feel the resentment slowwwwly fade, and you start to notice you are able to laugh again, to relax a little. You notice that difficult child is actually really adorable, smart and funny. You feel hope start to sprout a little bit. You watch out the window as difficult child and 10 year old easy child play nicely together outside for an hour straight - a *miracle*! You watch them rough house like normal boys do, and when difficult child accidently hurts easy child, he quickly and sincerely apologizes and they go back to playing nicely - another miracle! You wake up and chirp 'Good Morning!' to everyone as you flip their light on and start the day. You are actually able to give difficult child real, heartfelt hugs and goodnight kisses. The whole world feels lighter, sweeter!

    Slowly but surely, the worm turns again... he's angry from sun up to sun down. Everything sets him off. Nothing is right, everything is wrong. YOU are wrong. Everything you do is wrong, not enough, not right, stupid. YOU are stupid. Eventually you aren't just stupid, you're a f**ing b****, he hates you, he's going to stab you, cut your head off, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Eventually saying 'no' to his increasingly selfish, unreasonable demands is going to get you a fat lip or a bloody nose or if you don't pull over, a car accident. And eventually your easy child is going to have to race upstairs with your baby while you try to de-escalate difficult child again. And you are right back to 'I just don't want to do this anymore - I don't want someone to take him for the day, or the weekend, I just want him to leave. I want to take my normal children and live a normal life without him poisoning it, and I want to move and change all our names.'

    Until a day or a week or a month later when sweet peace returns...


    Am I horrible? I do love him, it's just so unbelievably hard to remember sometimes...
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No, you are NOT horrible! You are worn out.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Definitely not horrible. I agree you are exhausted! I think these are extremely normal feelings for parents who suffer abuse from their children. There have been many times when I think I can't do this one more day and then, like you said he does something super sweet or kind. When I read the title of your thread I thought, "Nope not manic-just absolutely drained."
  4. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    No, you are not horrible in any way, as others have said you are worn out, you're human, hugs...
  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    You are only human and can only take so much. I have felt this way many a day. I often daydream of family vacations and family functions and in my daydream difficult child is not present.

    Sad I know, he seems to ruin everything. Right now he is in the bathroom melting down and being as stubborn as one can be.

    All I can say is I am sorry.... Is a little peace too much to ask ? I guess it is... Hope tomorrow is better. Shelly
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Sounds normal to me. Manic, panic, and ready to run away from home, yup yup.
  7. P-nut2004

    P-nut2004 New Member

    LH, you are definitely not horrible, I am sure everyone raising a difficult child has those periods, I know I do. I tell husband all the time 'I'm just gonna run away.... so I hope you're taking notes so you can handle all of this without me'. Of course I don't really leave but I do occasionally day dream about it, at least a small break with no stress. But, alas, that is not possible in my home. My difficult child goes thru simialr mood swings but more frequently so its more like one day I'm ready to say 'I can't handle this' and the next I feel sooo guilty for it. Hang in there, you are not alone and you are a good person just being pushed to your limits, we all have limits, its human.

    (((HUGS))) :hugs:
  8. You are so totally allowed to feel these feelings! These kids are hard, beyond hard most days. I am not so much manic when difficult child pulls her stuff, more panicky and then totally drained, exhausted!

    I completely can relate with your post, especially since we are in the exact same spot, see my post of Help!

    Hugs of understanding!!
  9. cmfout

    cmfout Guest

    You're not horrible. Not at all! I'm thankful my youngest difficult child doesn't often put me through those days, but his older brother sure did! 9 years ago this month, I tossed my boys' father out on his ear after he hospitalized my middle son while I was at work. My boy had always been a real handful and he just went into overdrive after that. We made it nearly 2 years with him beating on me, threatening me, breaking every rule I'd lay down, and being in and out of juvie so many times I lost count. I kept feeling guilty whenever I'd think of "getting rid of him" and I'd find the strength to hold on a little longer. The final straw came when at 14, he threatened to kill his younger brother and me. He grabbed a knife, cut his brother's arm, and then came at me. Thankfully a neighbor was in their yard and heard the whole thing. The police came and kid #2 was removed from my home. I've refused to allow him to come back in any way for 7 years now - he's not even welcome to call. He's 21 and hasn't seen me or either of his brothers for a third of his life - most of which has been spent locked up in one youth center or another.
    I pray your situation turns out completely different than mine did. I had no support - I wish with all my heart that I had this forum back then, maybe things would have happened differently. I still struggle every day with the guilt of turning my back on my own child - until I think about what he could have done to my youngest. When I think of it that way, I have no regrets.
  10. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I believe you are entitled to all those feelings and not a bit manic-your situation has hills and valleys that are just way bigger than those of an average family. While I have not had to deal with violence and threats, I have raised 2 kids with dxs that have required megamom skills. I basically raised my son alone as husband worked eveningsand a second job. I totally understand your feelings and never dared to say them out loud to anyone. My daughter has made me physically ill-I'm no spring chicken and nothing ever goes smooth with her. It has even caused us to avoid extended family so we don't have their support for respite.

    But, I do want to tell you that my daughter has been in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or out of home placement for assessment most of the last 2 years. I thought I would mend and have my old life back (things were good for several years when my boy mellowed and my daughter was young and well behaved). Not the case. Now I have to watch every move the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), DT, and others make. There is neglect, abuse and lack of follow through. I'm always at the therapists, going in for visits or tied to my home on weekends for her visits. While I do have peace that she is safe/alive and I dont have to deal with her disruption day in and day out, I feel as if I have to constantly assert my parental rights and advocate for her constantly. Big people in systems are just as hard to deal with as difficult children! I miss her-weird as it sounds. I still cry when I make certain foods she loves, or go places that we use to enjoy together. I wish things were different every day. I have asked the universe over and over, why my child, why me?
    We just have to keep going and do the best we can and get support where we can. Please take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up-been there done that- and it only wears you out more. Take those other sweat peas of yours out and leave difficult child somewhere for a few hours and enjoy being a good mother and family. Hugs!!!
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    You he......they.......I, yi yi....

    First off - not a thing in the world wrong with foster care placement. But.....(there's always a but) You really have to go through the system a long time to get to that point. Years in fact. been there done that - they sent him back to us., not kidding, foster care couldn't handle him. HOWEVER - you do have some options that you probably aren't aware of - like -------

    Mentor - They provide weekend respite with foster PARENTS - (didn't know about that did ya) and medicaid pays for that - and you can ask for that. Mentor does do Foster care and Therapeutic Foster care, but I'm not sure if there is a mentor in your area.
    Big Brother Big Sister for Summer -long waiting lists - but Check with Mentor in your area
    YAPS - Youth Advocacy Program Services - They have RESPITE (weekend services, BB BS services) YOU DESERVE A BREAK see if there is a YAPS in your area.

    There should be a FEDERATION OF FAMILIES chapter in your area - start by looking them up - calling them and finding out WHO you have to know to get help.

    There may be a CHAD in your area - (I think thats the abbreviation - someone?? IS IT CHAD???)

    Check with your COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH AGENCY too for SUMMER CAMPS and THERAPY - on a sliding scale fee -because unless he's in thearpy the chances that anyone of the above will help? about zero.

    Probably not a bad idea for you to be involved in therapy too - if you aren't already. It helps a lot - (15 years for me - I swear by it)
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I never feel manic. Sometimes a little sad and/or drained. AND I do whatever I can do to let that be a very temporary situation....momentary. I do this through detachment. As best as you can, shake out your emotions from it all and do what you can to protect yourself and your family. If you do this, it will be easier.

    And, I don't think you are horrible. I think your reactions are normal....but I would gently suggest you fight the feeling. It is debatable how healthy it is to continue to allow your child's ups and downs to influence you so deeply. Sure, this is a difficult task. But, this is why detachment is soooo very important. YOU need to make good decisions and keep you and other children in the family safe.

    Does the doctor know that this child is violent? If he wont take his medication, the doctor needs to know this. If this continues, then he might need to be hospitalized.

    A summer camp that deals with special needs children might be a good fit for your child. Can you ask around for this type of thing?

    If not, do you know someone who can watch him a few times a week for a few hours to give you and your family a break? Someone who doesn't have young children around and someone who is VERY good with kids, wise, patient, strong, etc.....

    Are you going to therapy yourself? You might need extra support, especially during this very difficult time.

    Please make sure you take time for yourself.
    Lasted edited by : May 5, 2011
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Manic, no. Exhausted, yes.
    I hear you!
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, I get the manic feeling, too.

    I can't sleep because so much koi is running through my head. Sometimes it's BM, sometimes it's Onyxx, sometimes Jett, sometimes husband.

    Sometimes - like last night - it's All.Of.The.Above.

    And I want to run screaming somewhere, anywhere, else. But I can't leave because they need me.

    Mostly, when I am overwhelmed, I cry - but that mostly happens at work - because here, at work, I can relax for a bit. And I get really negative and nasty - behind their backs.

    And lemme tell ya - I am overwhelmed.

  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    You are not horrible. My daughter is in fostercare and I see her almost every day. SHe comes home on the weekends. We just don't have to live with each other everyday. She has terrific foster parents. Absolutely wonderful. I did agonize that something might happen to her, when she first got placed. I can pick her up and have her anytime that I want. This week she spent three nights over and I saw her everyday but yesterday. It's so much better that I don't have to do EVerything. It was just too much for me. I am a single mom and it's crazy hard when they have difficult child issues too. SO very hard. Hang in there and you are entitled to your feelings. It does get better.
  16. Jena

    Jena New Member

    YES ENOUGH SAID!!!!!! and said and said and said and said me manic?? what? no way..............

  17. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I completely feel your pain and when I first read your post - I wondered if I was the one who posted it. I got to the part about your baby and 10 year old and realized I didn't write it (LOL) but I could have. I dream about having a second apartment that I can go to to get away from it all but then I realized I would be there all the time and then my husband would also show up there to get away and no one would be left at home with the kids.... aye. Hang in there. Try to take time to do things for YOU. Don't be hard on yourself - you are human and this is hard stuff. xo
  18. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Sorry if I missed it - what is your difficult child's diagnosis?