Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Oct 15, 2014.
Very good video. I watched both these videos this morning. Both young adults remind me of 36. A lot.
This was amazing. She thinks exactly like 36. The only reason he had a job was it was absolutely forced on him. He has no respect for anyone and he does what he wants to do. Maybe some of you can also relate to this. My son's room was as disgusting as hers only he locked it when he was here or gone and we didn't see how bad it was until he left. He had pee bottles in his room due to being too lazy to go next door to the bathroom. He had cat poo in his room from his possessed cat that was mean and crazy, I'm sure due to being locked in that room all the time. He had porn all over the computer. He lied. He stole. This makes it easier for me to explain how a child can be a total difficult child even if not using drugs. He did not use drugs. He was just entitled and lazy. And it was because, like the parents here, we gave him so much and expect very little back, save the job.
I hope somebody learns from this before they get a 36 at 36.
I saw that show. I still like Dr Phil but lately I have become a bit irritated with him when he beats down on the parents for some things that adult difficult child's do and basically placates them by telling them that "he doesnt wonder why they do what they do, he would wonder why they didnt." Pretty much blame the parents.
Yesterday he had a family on with a 24 year old out of control adult boy who threatened his mother and father with knives and a machete, not to mention the verbal junk. No mention of just kicking his butt to the curb. The parents were just bad because they yelled back. Oh Im sorry but if someone cusses me out and threatens to kill me with a machete, Im gonna have a few choice words of my own! This has been his MO lately.
Janet, I don't watch Dr. Phil usually but these older videos caught my attention. I don't think he blamed the parents at all here. He made the parents promise to throw out the fiance of his adult woman and advised they throw her out too and change the locks.
I didnt rewatch this video but I do watch Phil almost daily so I have become a bit more irritated with him lately...lol. Maybe its because of how we believe here. Or how I believe may be more the case. Let me tell you, if Cory came at me with a machete, he would be met with a shotgun.
Janet is right. Dr. Phil has done a complete 360 with in the last few years. Everybody see's it now. He constantly blames the parents of out of control children or adults. Lets the kids get off with a free pass which will make them even worse when they get home. He also has been blaming victims of abusers. I think Dr. Phil is losing it.
I usually watch Dr. Phil every day too and what Janet says is right. He's always been that way to a certain extent but much more lately and it does get irritating. In almost every case involving teenagers or young adults, he will sometimes put a bit of the blame on them but he puts the bulk of the responsibility on the parents. It some cases it may be justified but in many, many of them it is not. These young people have free will and are under the influence of many other things and people other than just their parents. And he doesn't always acknowledge that so many times these parents have done everything they possibly could, used every resource available to them, turned every stone, for years. If their child lies, steals, manipulates, drinks or uses drugs, he will always end up putting the ultimate blame for it on the parents.
Also, Dr. Phil is a psychologist, not a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist, so he tends to look at almost everything as behavioral. You rarely hear him talk about these kids possibly being helped by appropriate medications. And he tends to discount the fact that children can have some very real psychiatric disorders, no matter how concerned or how loving the parents might be.
I'm sorry, but I truly think that Dr Phil is a complete idiot!
How can you possibly know how to handle the situations that we are all living, unless you have been there yourself.
I was once the kind of parent that thought that a child's behavior had everything to do with their upbringing, until I found myself with 2 HUGE difficult child's.
Now, I know much better, I now know that some kids for whatever ungodly reason, just decide to live their lives completely off the rails!
I don't watch Dr. Phil. It was the difficult children that interested me. And his advice this time was pretty standard for parents of difficult children..make her move out. Nothing big about that. I have never heard of any mental healthcare professional who advised keeping an abusive adult child at home and raising him.
The adult daughter was so over-the-top I kind of laughed at her. She was really such a jerk and admitted that her parents are fools. That was what interested me in the video. I'm sure Mr. 36 thought the same about me when he hid in his room, door locked, doing whatever, peeing in bottles, and totally disrespecting everyone else in the family...with no consequences because he wouldn't listen to any. It reminded me of the stuff I used to put up with and how I used to be.
I don't need advice on what to do. I am pretty confident I have that one right. I know what to do. It's just interesting for me (maybe not anyone else...lol) to hear a difficult child actually literally saying that her parents are stupid for putting up with her.
I guess I'll never post Dr. Phil again...lol. Negative vibes here about the man...lol. Bad call on my part, I guess Sorry!!!
I absolutely got the value of the video.
To understand there is even one other child responding in the way my son does validates me in some way, whatever Dr. Phil has to say about it.
Dr. Phil is tailoring his presentation so that the majority of his viewing audience will agree with him. Those who do not have children like ours believe they would have raised our difficult child children to be responsible, respectful, caring adults. They truly do believe the fault is ours.
They are wrong, of course.
But there was a time when I believed that, too.
That core belief is what kept me hooked in to helping.
That core belief, still alive somewhere in here, is why I fall apart every so often over some shocking something one of my children will do.
Also wanted to mention that there was a family Dr. Phil was going to "fix." This was some years ago.
Dr. Phil did not fix anything for this family.
He worked with them for some time.
The difficult child was a female.
There was a younger sister.
The parents were so much like us, like we are, here.
Over the time of that series of shows, the business of the parents, the other members of the family -- pretty much anyone who loved that difficult child enough to listen to Dr. Phil -- was all over the screen.
None of that helped.
Dr. Phil did not help them.
Another thing to consider:
There was a post here once about a professional football player -- or maybe, it was a business man. The brothers and sisters (and mom) continued with drugs and poor lifestyle choices.
His mom had him sell drugs, when he was little.
Somehow, he got out.
He made a different kind of life.
He could never make a difference for the other members of his family.
He was different than the others, including the mother, from the beginning.
Whatever it is that is going on with our difficult children must have had some survival benefit for the species in another, wilder time. Our difficult children were probably the warriors, or the robber barons or the Union leaders.
Maybe, they were the Bravehearts or the Pasteurs, or the Joan of Arcs.
Just as there was a survival benefit to the species in the genetic capacity to hoard every calorie that finds some of us, in this more settled time of three squares a day plus yummy snacks, obese, there was a survival benefit to the hair trigger responses, to the anger and self certainty, to the impulsivity and disregard for danger, of our difficult children.
America in particular, was settled by difficult children.
Who else would have had the courage to leave home, cross an ocean, and survive it?
There was no welfare then.
And yet, they did it.
My ancestors did it, and so did yours.
Some kids can sit in school and listen to things they don't even think about challenging. Our difficult children are as likely to challenge the teacher and punch a few students on the way out as they are to listen because someone else says they have to.
There is a genetic component to difficult child behaviors. It is not a bad thing in a society being settled. In our society, our difficult children don't fit. I don't know what the answer is. Feeling as I do about it hasn't helped me grieve the loss of what I wanted life to be for me and for my kids.
But I do think there is something there for all of us to look at and consider, where our difficult children are concerned.
They are not happy unless they are walking that wild edge.
Drugs are a piece of that. It isn't that we raised them to leap at the first opportunity to use. difficult children like that edgy, dramatic feel to life.
Cedar, I couldn't agree with you more. First of all, Dr. Phil is not a top notch professional. He is really an entertainer. I'm not surprised he couldn't help that family. Nobody can be helped, even if the best help is provided, if they are unwilling to be helped. It's hard work and you have to accept things about yourself that you may not want to hear. Or, worse, you have to accept the truth about your grown children. Dr. Phil does tend to pay for top level help. But even low level help will help somebody who is interesting in changing.
The only thing that struck me about the tape was how utterly HORRIBLE this adult child is. It's fascinating to see that other grown children can be as obnoxious as my son. In a way, it is comforting...I'm not alone. I heard it on this video. There is a difficult child out there who knows, like mine knows, that she is playing her parents and they are her doormats.
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