Dreading His Return

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by NovemberRain, Sep 29, 2019.

  1. NovemberRain

    NovemberRain New Member

    I am writing here for my first time. It’s been a long weary journey. My son was diagnosed when he was younger with ADHD, a Mood Disorder not otherwise specified, oppositional defiant disorder. He also has anxiety and asthma. He is explosive, manipulative, lies, is irrational, and he’s like 2 different people. He is now 22 and on the verge of homelessness. When he turned 21 I got the strength to move out of my apt and said he had to live elsewhere due to his verbal abuse of me and my daughter. I moved in with my fiancé. My son has had 18 jobs in 3 years. He quits them or gets fired. In August he went to live with his Dad and Stepmother. He has been verbally abusive to them as well, quit his job after 3 weeks and they said you’re out. He is getting on a plane Friday and coming back. I feel sick to my stomach. I said you can’t live with me and stay away from your grandmother. I have his car sitting in my mother’s driveway but I told him I am taking him off my car insurance and taking the plates off because I’m afraid to have my name on the car in case something happens. I don’t know where he will live. I’m starting a new job this week, I feel so stressed out, I blocked his phone calls because I can’t focus on a new job and deal with his chaos. Just needed to vent feeling stressed.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I understand completely how you would feel this way.

    You have taken some very positive steps. Insisting he move out. Taking him off your car insurance and taking the plates off. Blocking his calls.

    Your son is experiencing the natural consequences of his behavior. Whether or not he is mentally ill, he will have to come to grips with how his behavior and choices affect him and how to live in the world. He will have to experience directly the consequences of his lack of self-control, his mood instability, and impulsivity. This is his life to deal with. He is not the only person who has a psychology. All of us have to learn from mistakes. Mothers can't do this for their sons.

    You are exactly right to focus on your new job, and your own well-being.

    What is your mother's position with respect to her grandson? Have you spoken with her about her intentions of whether or not to house him or otherwise help him? What about a "re-entry" plan that the two of you coordinate together?

    When I finally had the courage to tell my son to leave our home he was 23. I decided one day driving home from work. I told him to leave right then, I locked the doors, and that was that. He spent the night banging on windows. I would not recommend this strategy. I would have been better off driving him to a shelter, which we did the next day. But I seized upon the moment that I finally felt strong enough and desperate enough to act.

    I would talk to my mother and get on the same page, if possible. I would think about possible options for servicesfor your son: a homeless shelter; rescue mission or training program; drug and mental health treatment options; Job Corps. I would tell him about resources in an email or text. Or if your mother is speaking to him, maybe she could tell him.

    Job Corp is wonderful, and I recommend it. There are centers all over the country. It is a free, residential job training program. The trainees are well supervised and there are support services. They take kids with problems.

    Welcome to you. I am so sorry you are going through this.
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2019
  3. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Welcome NovemberRain. I joined this group last April and have found a plethora of information and support. I have found we can all relate in some way to your experience.

    The advice from Copa is solid.

    In this forum there is an article on detaching. It has helped me understand my relationship with my middle aged alcoholic daughter from a more logical perspective. I am learning to detach from emotional decision making and the emotional blackmail of my adult Difficult Child child. I encourage you to take a look.

    Self-care is the only thing we can control, or not. Just like our Difficult Child children, the consequences of that decision are ours to own, destructive or rewarding. I have done both. It hasn't changed a thing for my daughter, either way. I feel so much better when I relinquish control, send loving thoughts to my abusive Difficult Child, and let go. It beats the heck out of circling the black vortex with the fear of being sucked into dispare and loss of hope.

    Healing wishes to you.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I think you are doing the right thing also and completely agree with Copa's advice. He needs to know that he cannot treat everyone that loves him and tries to help him like CRAP. None of us can do that. No one has to deal with that, family or not.

    Keep us posted.
  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    This is a great place for support. I can't add much to what has been stated already.

    You seem to have good boundaries and a self protecting mechanism.

    I can see how you are filled with fear and panic at the thought of him returning.

    I like Copa's suggestion to try to find support services and to communicate those to him. He does need help, and if he is willing to get himself help, it would be a good thing .

    Sending prayers for you to be calm and composed and strong.
  6. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Setting boundaries is healthy and a big step, but it doesn't mean you won't feel the heartache and stress of having a son off the rails.

    No one deserves to be verbally abused. My 34 year old difficult son was very verbally abusive and intimidating, and I felt sick to my stomach often when I knew I would have to deal with him. Just hearing the phone ring triggered panic. I will not let him live with me, and due to his oppositional nature he loses jobs, housing, etc. and has been homeless a number of times. It hurts, but our sons have to find their own way.

    You are right to set the boundaries and to take care of yourself.

    Keep posting. My thoughts are with you.
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  7. NovemberRain

    NovemberRain New Member

    My son is back in town and while I was away on vacation last week he ended up moving in with my mother, his grandmother. She said what was I supposed to do, I couldn't let him be homeless. My mother is 85 years old. He is manipulative, not working, using her car, paying no rent. He did meet with a caseworker and sign up for food stamps. He said the caseworker said there were no shelters for him to go to. I don't know what to believe because he lies so much. I have not gone to see him because I told him unless he is in counseling or seeing a psychiatrist I will not see him. I told him he should go to anger management classes, and he said no I F---ing don't. So no change there. I am avoiding going to see my mother because I don't want to see him because I think it will just turn into an argument. Additionally, my younger brother disowned my whole family over my son, because he believes his lies and says my son is the victim. Unbelievable. Now my older brother doesn't want to do Thanksgiving because he doesn't want to see my son. My entire family is all split up because of my son. My daughter also feels terrible and says why can't we be like other families and what are we going to do now on Thanksgiving. Ugh.
  8. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I am so sorry your worst fear, your son moving in with your Mother, has happened. I am saddened to hear how your whole family is split up over your son's behavior. It gives your son a whole lot of power.

    Ultimately, you are only responsible for yourself. You can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. You seem to have good boundaries in place that protect you.

    I have issues with Thanksgiving as well, and have decided to create what I want for myself since I can only control me. Last night I learned that mi sister in law has invited us and that sounds like a fun time. This is the part of the family I wanted to connect with on TG and was going to invite to my house. So I will gladly accept her invite. I know my children won't go, they have not spent TG with us the last few years, and I will just drive down with husband.

    I can only see what my action steps are in any given situation.
  9. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Welcome to the forum, NovemberRain. You'll find lots of information and support here, and people going through similar battles.

    My daughter moved in with my parents as well (despite my warning them not to let her), and were constant enablers. It really taxed our relationship and sadly it hasn't ever returned to where it was. It's improved, slowly, since she's not with them and they moved away. They bought her a phone a couple weeks ago while they were here, though, and I could feel the same tension between us.

    Best wishes with your new job. That is a lot of stress to carry on yourself.
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Sorry you have to deal with this. I am in a similar situation except he has pretty much burned his bridges with family who will take him in at this point. I have also blocked him. I hope your mom is safe and he doesnt have to put up with his abuse. Will anyone in your family step in and make him leave if she needs it? My mom would have done the same ( she has passed on) and it adds to your stress I am sure. I wish you sucess in your new job. Hold your boundaries.!
  11. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Welcome November Rain. I'm sorry for the stress and grief you're feeling. We all know what that feels like.
    I have a 29YO adopted, biracial son who is most likely Bipolar, although un-evaluated. He has been so abusive to us the last year (from a distance via text/phone as he lives in Denver) that we have had to disengage for the time being. It is so hard to establish and hold those boundaries, but as others have commented, it is necessary for your own mental/emotional survival and the way it might possibly bring our difficult child/children to their senses. As I write, I'm wondering if my son is okay or not, but I have to leave him in God's hands through prayer and not allow him to destroy the peace God wants for me to have, and you have to do that too. Please keep posting. This site is such a help to those of us on this painful path.
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