easy child (soon to be a difficult child) boyfriend was arrested

[Jena]

hi,

yup me again. let me just say i would prefer anyone with whom wants to give a rough or rash remark to save it and do not respond. thank you i appreciate it.

so, easy child's boyfriend was arrested for larceny. how did i find out? on the aol news ihave it set to our town info. thingy.

this i same boyfriend that well let' just say easy child gets very defiant when with, nasty, difficult, etc. and a joy to have around home. most of the time she spends her time outside the home with-friends to be honest as of late except certain dinner's i require her presence and after school to check in, she does adhere to curfew.

called easy child in to discuss it and said *** got arrested and she played dumb with a smirk on her face. i said you have got to be kidding me? why are you with this kid? you know from last time he's just not for you, now he's getting arrested you deserve better. did the whole speech.

she went to walk out of room after yelling at me. i went to door and physically blocked it said we have to discuss this please.
she than said if u so much as touch me i'll punch you in your face. cursed me out, told me a few other choice words, etc.

i said under no circumstances are you to speak to me that way, you are grounded till further notice. you are not to have that boy around here, i cannot control what you do once out yet u won't be going out so that will not be a problem.

i told husband who had a talk with this boy not so long ago and told him you do one thing wrong i'm on your porch with u and your parents we aren't playing anymore. so i told him you ready for porch now, because i'm done with this kid and the manipulation he has on easy child.

we had a great calm period leading up to wedding with-her and after. she was thrilled we were married, thrilled about everything than he came back into picture and she totally changed yet again.

any ideas? and yea i already know very unhealthy for difficult child to hear this stuff.

 

[HaoZi]

I'd see if you can prevent her from visiting him at the jail by talking to corrections staff directly and seeing if you can also prevent mail/calls to and from each other with their help. You pretty much know how this goes, until he really screws up with her she's going to fight tooth and nail to be by his side unless she meets someone that sweeps her off her feet when he's not looking. And yes, I recall having a boyfriend like that when I was around her age and sneaking down to the jail to visit by catching rides with friends if I couldn't use my car, etc. Stupid me, I know. But that took time to learn.
If he shows up, by all means report him as trespassing and see if he'll get yanked back to jail since by then it might be a probation violation. She'll hate you for it now (as I expect you know) but hopefully be grateful when she matures.

 

[Jena]

I don't know if he'l get convicted. i think he's had prior's so he probably will. she's just a lunatic and bad to have around here since she's back with him.

 

[HaoZi]

If he makes bail before court and gets arrested again (even for trespassing) it sure won't look when he goes to court.

 

[crazymama30]

Jena, while it is bad for difficult child to hear this, have you talked to easy child about how all the goings on with difficult child have affected her life? I am sure none of it can be easy on her, and then you and husband are stressed out and that could be hard on her too. Not saying the boyfriend is a winner, sounds like he is not, but just wanted to offer another perspective.

 

[KTMom91]

Does the jail allow collect calls to cell phones? Our county jail doesn't, inmates need to call a land line, but if your county jail doesn't have that policy, you might want to block that option from easy child's cell phone.

 

[Jena]

hi,

yea took a few minutes to figure out what to do. i don't think he's in jail she wont' talk about it. she was too busy attacking me. she was with him just the other night so i'm sure they let him off on probation or community service. his families got money and good attorney's.

i'm going to:

restrict her phone anyway; put limits on it
ground her
go to his parents house with-husband and talk to them "calmly" and just let them know we think it's best the kids take a "break" she's in jepardy of graduating also i just opened the mail and see she missed 3 gyms, 2 more and no graduation.
also i'm going to see if she'll go to group therapy again with-me. she went for a while a year or so ago and than stopped and refused when he started going into area's she didnt' wanna go into.
tell her unless there's a job and she does graduate no car on birthday in may
also restrict her driving priledges if she does manage to graduate. she'll get usage yet limited till she proves she's responsible.

bottom line if she wants to see this kid she will. yet i won't allow him near my home, i'll make sure to cover it with-his parents so they know we mean what we're saying this time around. tried a year ago yet obviously didnt' work.

that's that for now. more concerned with her aggressive and nasty defiant behavior. so odd how a boy can change them isn't it? i mean you cant' create something that's not there yet boy he brings out the worst in her always did. since day she met him two years ago quit job in trouble at school etc. than they broke up and she was an absolute joy. i also dont' want her getting arrested when she's with him if he's selling or stealing.

just said to husband the other night thank goodness easy child is being good thru this difficult child thing. ha!

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry that sh eis with this guy again. He is the one she got into trouble with when you were here the last time, isn't he? I wonder what makes him so attractive to her?

She likely feels pretty much pushed aside because all the intense problems with difficult child. It is a natural way to feel, but it sure makes life tough for parents and siblings.

There is probably very little that his parents can do about them. If they are determined to date they will find a way. I wonder what would happen if you said she could only see him at your house in the living room? I know you don't want him around, but it would let you chaperone them a bit. If you or husband were friendly with him, acted like you wanted him around, it might take away her interest in him. With all the difficult child drama I doubt that would be doable. It would likely add to difficult child's anxiety which will not be helpful.

You might call and ask the police what the age of consent is. Girls under a certain age are called jailbait for a reason. If he is 18 and she is 17, it might be possible to use that. For a little while at least. You have to check though because some states use a younger age. The car is an EXCELLENT carrot. If she "gets" a car for her birthday, make sure it is still in YOUR name or husband's name. If it is in her name you will not be able to take the keys for any reason. It will legally be hers and if you take the keys away then she can call the police and charge you with stealing her car. Of course if it is in her name and you are making payments on it, you can stop the payments and let her figure out how to make them or let the car be repo'd. That is also a carrot if for some reason it is better to put the car in her name.

I hope difficult child is at least drinking today. (((((hugs)))))

 

[toughlovin]

Hi Jena,

I feel for you and have some thoughts about this. I was the difficult children parents when my son was seeing a very nice easy child girl. When they met he was actually doing well and they really liked him.... but over time his gfgness came out big time and they rightfully got very concerned. The really good thing was her mom and I became friends early in their relationship and so we actually have supported each other through some of their bad times. That has actually been kind of amazing and we are still friends.

I was also in an abusive relationship when I was in college and my parents handled that really well, thank goodness.

So I have a couple of thoughts.... when a young women is involved with a young man, even one who is terrible for her, she is not going to listen to her parents opinions about him. A relationship like that can turn abusive pretty easily. What she needs is a lot of love and support and guidance. The choice to end the relationship is hers and she is unlikely to listen to your pleas to leave or be done with him.

The difficult line to walk for you as her parent, is to love her and guide her without putting her in a situation where she cant talk to you about what she is feeling about thsi relationship. I understand that you don't like him at all, see him as a terrible influence, and of course this is all borne out by the fact that he was arrested. No question he is not a good guy.

However I think if you come down hard on your daughter, try to forbid her from seeing him etc that it will just push her away from you and make it even harder for her to end the relationship. So often one feels very isolated when in a relationship like that, and the isolation makes it harder to leave.

So yes set limits on what you yourself will deal with. So that may mean he is not welcome in your home. Set limits on any of her bad behavior such as the disrespect or not following your rules. I personally would not try and prevent her from seeing him because I think that will backfire. I would try to have conversations with her about healthy relationships, what are the things she likes about him, what kinds of things she wants in her future etc.

I would call his mother and ask to meet her for coffee... and see if you can connect with her and let her know your concerns.

Your daughter needs to know you will be there for her no matter what.

In my sons girlfriend case she eventually got strong enough to break up with my son. In my case in college I eventually broke up with my boyfriend and felt my parents were wonderfully supportive when I did so. I knew they did not like him and were very worried about me, they didn't hide that, but he had always been welcome and I absolutely knew they were there when I finally made the choice to leave that relationship.

Good luck, I know this is a really hard situation.

 

[Jena]

hi

susie yes it is same exact boy. since she met him 2 years ago she's been soo different, she's always been defiant yet he brings out worst in her. she likes that whole bad boy image thing I think.


crazymama - yes your right, that's why what i've been doing with her is i do punish her when need be, i cant' give her a free card to act crazy because we have this situation with-difficult child, yet i've been punishing with one hand and hugging with the other if that makes any sense to you. For instance yesterday she acted completely out of control, than today i woke up and invited her with me and difficult child to get a manicure done. We are watiing on difficult child to finish her shake that was the deal. shake than bring puppy outside than manicure. she turned me down, yet i still offered it.

toughlovin/Susie - i appreciate you taking the time to share with-me your experience. It makes sense i see your points. We have though tried alot of different approaches with-this boy. years ago we allowed him into our home, the whole ok you wanna be with this troubled boy than here's the place to have him. I had him for dinner, watched a movie with both of them, drove this kid home, etc. did the whole open arm thing. Yet it bit us in our butts bigtime. I had difficult child out and well it's a sorted grose tail yet easy child snuck him in and had sex with-him in our home while difficult child and i were food shopping. to add to it i was very sick at time and asked easy child can you pls come to help with bags and stuff. she saId no i can't i dont' feel well. We found condoms in our downstairs bathroom. than she ran away and took off, with him just locally.

i even tried talking to the parents, this kid does drugs also, is known to be the community druggie and sells them too. school sw was like oh no she's seeing him i feel bad for you, explains her behavior. since easy child's been with him she's gotten suspended numerous times past 2 years, told off teachers, has been insubordinate, now is at risk of not graduating. she is making these choices, it's clearly not HIS fault. yet his influence on her is strong. When she wasn't with him she was a joy to be around.

about 2 mos ago husband talked to him. he said listen we are concerned, each time she is with you she looses her way gets into trouble,you came into our home when my wife wasnt' home and did that. it's not respectful so do you blame my wife for not allowing you in our home yet? he said watch what you do, be careful with-her in your car (he drives now), dont' let me hear you have her in your car after drinking, or you do anything to hurt her. He said we know what your about the pot, selling it, trouble with-police. he said straighten yourself out, give it time. show us you can be trustworthy etc.

it's soo hard when a girl wants a guy that's bad for them like he is. you know how it goes you say don't date him they gravitate closer. we tried other approach though and that didn't work. my mom gut can't allow me to watch her get into a car with-someone that sells drugs, is now getting arrested, i just can't do it. no way.

 

[toughlovin]

Jena this is a really bad situation, I so feel for you. It sounds to me like your best bet is to get your daughter out of town and away from him. I don't know if that is possible or not... and it might not solve her attraction to bad boys. I don't know what it is with bad boys but the girls do seem to like them!!!

 

[Jena]

hi,

it's ok, seems like our speciality in this house to be honest. between the 5 kids there is absolutely never a time when calm reigns here. it's unfortunate yet you make choices and boom 5 kids equals in our world chaos at times.

wish i could get her out. years ago when she first met him and went astray husband and i were looking into a wilderness camp for her. just figured ok let's get her out, due to the fact her behavior really does change so very much when she is with him. she truly becomes aggressive verbally and even physically threatening.

so, long story short husband and i couldn't get the loan we applied for. those places are a fortune. at the time we wound up bringing in services to help he handle her. she ran away with this kid for a day or so. etc. i called cops ea. time she walked out and i had grounded her. did all the things i was supposed. yet she wouldnt' go to support groups, or attend therapy anymore, or really work their program and we had no choice due to her age to truly do anything. she's a great person truly just one in which makes bad choices.

she isnt' talking to me today. i told her tmrw when husband is off than her and i will go take a drive and talk about it. which i'm sure will go nowhere quick. shes' super defiant. i know just what i need when handlilng my youngest overwhelming problems right now.

personally i can't wait till i'm 60 and kids are gone and it's just him and i. i said maybe than we can watch movies uninterrupted, go for dinner, go riding, golfing etc. i'm really looking forward to that! love love my kids yet its' been a really really hard few years for us.

thanks for the advice. we'll c how it goes. can't just not punish her because than it shows ok you can treat your mother that way which is more my issue right now. as far as the kids goes i wont' be able to knowing myself as well as i do. say ok have a great night as he picks her up outside my house. na not me!