ever say something terrible to difficult child?

[sjexpress]

This morning was more of the same from difficult child towards his little 5 yr old easy child brother. easy child is very content entertaining himself playing with toys, using his imagination, etc.. but difficult child just can't let him be! He has to go over and basically be a bully by intentionally messing up what easy child is doing...knocking over his buildings, cars, blocks, or just touching what ever easy child is doing. I have tried to get them to play together (figuring difficult child just wants to play too) but then the game "has to be played difficult child's way or no way" if you know what I mean. Then easy child gets all upset because he too is head strong and stands up for himself, which gets difficult child even more worked up and everything escalates from there!
Anyway, lately I find myself losing it more with difficult child rather than controlling myself (probably because I can't take it anymore the way he treats the family) and saying mean and hurtful things to him. Like I called him a bully this morning and told him he was mean. Of course he kept mimicking me which made me keep going! I then told him he doesn't deserve to get student of the month in school ( he told me last nite he thought it might be him this month and he is actually a great student, luckily) until he works on being brother of the month at home!
By now the bus was coming so he left for school and now I feel terrible about what I said and some other things I have been saying when he is behaving terribly at home...acting like a child going back at him, rather than an adult who is supposed to keep it together even if I am being verbally and at times physically abused!
I will apologize when he gets home because even parents make mistakes. Anyone else ever find themselves acting immature like this?

Jan

 

[Bunny]

I have done this on more than one occasion, and I am not ashamed to admit it. My difficult child is much the same as your. easy child will be playing and difficult child has to go over and get right in the middle of it, or demand that easy child leave what he is doing and go and play with him, doing whatever difficult child wants and only what difficult child wants. I try to tell easy child that he does not have to go, but he usually does because he worships the ground the difficult child walks on.

Don't be too hard on yourself. When things like this go on day after day after day it wears you down and are bound to lose your patience and say something that you should not. You are right to apologize to your son. Sometimes I think that it's good for our kids to see that parents can make mistakes and say things that they should not and that it's not just a difficult child thing.

I hope the rest of your day goes better.

Pam

 

[shellyd67]

I am also guilty of saying some pretty harsh things to difficult child when he is at his worst. I do feel bad and always try harder the next time to keep calm. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all have our moments ....

 

[Jena]

YES!! We are only human and have a breaking point. it's only natural to get fed up. yet with the remarks we make out of pure frustration i'm sure most of us like me than beat ourselves up after with extreme guilt. round and round we go.

my advice is what i've done past 5 mos of what i've been going thru as soon as i feel like something really bad's going to slip out due to anger i run, run, run to my rm my bathroom close door and breath deeply get my stuff together and go back out and try to re approach. gives difficult child a chance to calm down also, which all around is good. if you can run away and the kid's safe. we are only human. it's ok

((hugs))

 

[PatriotsGirl]

On SO many occasions. She has the ability to bring people to a complete boiling point!!! Oh yes, husband and I have had diarrhea of the mouth on many occasions. It's extremely hard to keep cool when they push and push and push to that point.

 

[HaoZi]

Oh yeah, I've said my share. Been working on phrasing things differently, but some kids (like mine) take it all personal no matter how you put it.

 

[KTMom91]

I have, too.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh honey...that isnt even close to being some of the horrible stuff I have said...lol.

 

[Wiped Out]

been there done that! Our difficult children certainly know how to push buttons and we are only human; please don't be too hard on yourself. Hugs.

 

[susiestar]

I have also done it. We are only human and are in the kind of pressure cooker parenting that very few people even know exists. Sometimes we boil over and say or do something we regret later. Then we are super upset with ourselves which increases the pressure. Add to that the way some difficult children will NOT allow us to get away from them to get time to cool off, and it can be a nasty cycle.

I was REALLY bad about this for a while. I would be fine and then suddenly (in my mind) just not be able to cool my temper. I found quite a few different ways to help myself, starting with recognizing the warning signs in my body that signalled the buildup of anger and rage. I found the book, "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill and it was a HUGE help. It has a Christian orientation, but is one that several of my friends who are either Buddhist or Muslim were able to use for help with this issue also. It really helped me see my warning signs MUCH earlier than I ever could before. I also found a LOT of help from the Love and Logic books. They helped me work with my husband using natural, logical consequences and they helped us see that we could actually plan ahead for how to handle the issues we were tackling.

There are very distinct changes in your body that happen when you are getting angry. By figuring these out and learning to identify how they felt and how to identify them as they were beginning rather than figuring out later, I was able to make some really huge changes in not just my parenting but in EVERY aspect of my life.

I was raised in a house where people yelled. Heck, every parent on our block growing up yelled. As kids we would even sometimes go call a friend out to play if we heard yelling because we ALL knew how it felt. As an adult I didn't really see that yelling was not a great parenting style - it was what I knew. Changing that made HUGE changes in how my family felt and acted.

None of this meant that I never said things I regretted later. I still do sometimes. in my opinion it teaches our kids that it is okay to admit to a mistake and to apologize for it. Learning to manage my anger better let the kids see that it IS possible to learn to handle anger in a healthy way.

As women we are anger-handicapped. Little girls are supposed to be all sugar and sweetness, with just a little bit of spice. We are not taught that it is okay to be angry. Many of us come from families where we were not ever supposed to get angry - regardless of the provocation. So when we get angry, lose our tempers, we then turn our anger and rage inward. It is something we need to think about, and to think about what we want our children to learn about. Hopefully our daughters will know that it is normal and natural to get angry, and there are healthy ways to work through that anger. Our sons need to learn that anger can be healthy, depending on how it is expressed.

I hope this helps.

 

[barneysmom]

Jan,

I have said things that are much, much worse to my difficult child's. I apologize too, even though I'm generally not sorry, but realize I have to practice what I preach.

This past Halloween our kids were terrible, and I lost it, and there was a big brouhaha. Of course with my luck, we had our home-based therapist coming the very next day, and the difficult child's were eager to describe my offenses in excruciating detail. I was supposed to apologize and I just couldn't do it. I did end up apologizing that I had "let myself sink down to that level." Both kids were ecstatic when I apologized and rushed to hug me. Oh brother.

Usually when I lose my cool, it's because I haven't been minding my own needs. So I need to make sure I'm taking care of myself. You do the same, and for sure don't waste any more time feeling guilty. Put your feet up.

Good luck.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Oh, boy, did I ever! It came back to haunt me during the CPS investigation. For the thousandth time, my under educated, drugged up kid told me he didn't need his f*** family and that he could support himself on the streets just fine. I had reached my breaking point. I informed him that the only way he could survive on those streets was to do what Monica Lewinsky had done for Mr Clinton. I sure wish I hadn't said that, though I was afraid he and his girl would end up in porn. I should have kept my big mouth shut.

I think I take the CD board prize for nasty comment.

 

[amazeofgrace]

I think parents of non-difficult child's have all said something they regret to their kids, so don't beat yourself up. I always try to remain "non-reactive" but no one is perfect. I also think when it happens and we apologize to difficult child we're showing them the standard and not just expecting it.

 

[DammitJanet]

Three Shadows. I think I have said far worse. When I get really upset, my mom comes out my mouth.

When Cory hit my last nerve in 2008 right before he was about to go to jail for his 30 days, I told him I hoped he actually served his entire sentence. I hoped he actually found out exactly what abuse really was all about because he didnt even have half a clue. That I hoped he found out what rape meant because I hoped that when he got into prison that he was going to be that cute little new kid on the block and no matter how big and bad he thought he was, there were much bigger and badder guys in there and they were going to rape him until he was so out of it he didnt know which way was up and then maybe he would have a clue what I had gone through. I told him I never wanted to see his sorry face ever grace my doorway again because what he had said to me could never be undone. He had hurt me to the very core and I hoped he rotted wherever he went. Then I went inside and shut the door.

I dont remember seeing him again until I woke up in the hospital after the meningitis. If I did, I dont remember it. From what I have been told, he was the first one at the hospital with me and he was giving the doctors hell. He was wiping my face, taking care of me the best he could have screaming at them that they had to do something for me NOW! After I woke up, I didnt remember being mad at him for months after that. By then he had moved out, been so careful of me, trying to do what he could for me...it seemed like water under the bridge. I do still remember some of the things he said but now, he does now know that he was wrong on some of his thinking.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Just last night easy child/difficult child 3 was being a total PITA - Something she does really well lately. She is always telling me she can't wait to move out. Last night I screamed at her that I want her out as much as she wants to be out! NOT GOOD!!!

As others have said, I think we all have our moments. Our difficult children have to realize sooner or later that we are REAL people with REAL feelings too. There is only so much we can take even from our own children.

As someone already said, I think it's really important to try to take care of ourselves the best we can, get some time away from our difficult children, from everything... When I've had a bit of time to myself, it's much easier for me to think before I speak.

Hoping today is a much better one for you... SFR

 

[Star*]

I think - and I think back.........and it STILL (ugh) I get those feelings like (snap) and that voice in my head comes right to the surface faster than a freight train and says "YOU should get LOOSER MOTHER OF THE CENTURY" for and then it's like I have flashbacks. Notice I said flashbackS not a flashback or that one time, or on that sunny, perfect day - when my lovely, perfect, well-adjusted son was being a loving, adorable child and I must have taken the Jekkyl-Hyde formula and (mwahahahahahahaha) turned to him and scared him with my inner monster voice.

Yeah - well, I don't walk on water either. I try and I tried to be the best Mother I could be. Honestly when I was raising Dude; now 20 years old - Had I known there was a section in the library or at BAM or B&N called - All nice Mommies sit HERE section, and All Mommies of dysfunctional, ill-behaved, going to try the patience of Mother Teresa and surely make her throw a cleaver at a sacred cow in India children sit HERE? I would have read every book - and what books I could get my hands on? I did. What meetings I could go to? I did. What therapy I could enroll in? I went. What support groups I could be part of? I was. What PTA that shunned us? I did give the finger to.....but you know - I DID the BEST I COULD WITH WHAT I HAD AT THAT TIME and then tried my hardest to learn all I could to be a BETTER parent as I went on - but when only ONE of you is trying in a relationship? You leave - and in the case of a child? You can't leave. So it's like someone walks in and tells you "Abuse is bad, dont' stay in abusive situations - leave." Then someone else walks in and says "Abuse is bad, don't stay in abusive situations - BUT you have to stay in this one, but abuse is bad."

I'm so like - WHA? FIX HIM.......FIX HIM NOW??? And when he got on my last nerve? YOU BET - I was the least adult in the room. I even am not Catholic and went into a Catholic church and got a plastic bubble container full of holy water and came home one afternoon - and when Dude got so out of control - I got my bubble water container - opened it stood in his room and screamed THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU _ GET OUT and threw the water on him - I mean didn't do anything but make him angry - because I threw water on him - and make me laugh because I had officially decided at that point I needed anti-depressants 0r a nut-hut vacation - but SEE? You aren't alone. Doesn't mean what you said is right or okay or even forgettable - Rather - it's good that you don't forget - because next time you get to that point - you'll remember - it's okay to get angry but HOW you handle your anger is more important for yourself and as an example for your kids.

The best thing I did? Got a therapist and worked on anger management. I learned tools - and tricks and things I can do INSTEAD of blow my top - I learned what my triggers are - BEFORE my kid does and what I can do to avert my blowing my stack. Or in my case driving to St. Vincents and helping myself to holy agua. And believe me - that's not the worst thing I ever said - or did - and it wasn't the last - but it was a good lesson learned. I can barely grip a water pistol now. lol

Seriously - Do be aware of what you said - but don't NOT forgive yourself. In my faith I only have to ask once for forgiveness - and if I beat myself up after that? It's on me - not (points up) him.

take care - And go easy on the apologies ------and don't wait for one from him either. Try to get in the habit of learning how to cool off - talk to a therapist.

Hugs -
Star

 

[DaisyFace]

Jan--

Yes, like others here...I can admit that I've made my share of mistakes as a parent.

There have been times that I have sat DS or difficult child down and had a heart-to-heart talk with them where I apoligize and tell them I love them and made a mistake. This usually goes well with DS - I have walked away from such a talk feeling like we strengthened our relationship.

One of the things that is so hard with a difficult child is that they cannot seem to forget or accept an apology. It's like once you say or do something, it becomes this HUGE thing that they will remember forever and will only grow larger over time. Amd that definitely makes it harder to forgive oneself as a parent - knowing that that moment of hurt is never, ever going to go away for difficult child.

 

[DammitJanet]

The power of Christ compels you? Really? OMG! I wish I had thought of that one.

I would have drenched Cory in Holy Water!

I have to giggle though...the Priest who did my Dads funeral said that he wasnt going to "card" anyone who wished to take communion at the funeral and if we wished to do it we could. I told Cory what it meant before hand and he was really freaked out and swore he wasnt going to do it. I wanted to because I am Lutheran and they also do communion. Well, up I go and who is right behind me? Cory! Said he just felt the spirit enter him after all the ceremony he witnessed and he wanted to do it...lol. I got a real good chuckle out of that one. Maybe my Dad was giving him a shove in the right direction.

 

[AnnieO]

Oh, hon. I think we've ALL said something horrible to our difficult children. More than once. No matter how hard I try, sometimes it just boils up and over and out and they're looking at me all bewildered and I'm wondering where the heck that came from!

I do a lot of muttering under my breath, too. Or I'd explode WAAAAYYYYY more. And say lots of things that are awful.

Apologies do help, though.