Everyone, anyone, I need help!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Liv_on_sunset, Feb 17, 2017.

  1. Liv_on_sunset

    Liv_on_sunset New Member

    So my 25 yr old son (who I will call Joe) spent the last 3 yrs homeless and is now back living wih his dad. I live in a different city. He has a good job, got himself a car and things seemed to be looking up.

    Now tonight I find out they got into a fight and dad kicked him out of the house. This has happened before. dad has apparently ben using meth {again} and flipped out that Joe wouldnt give him $20.00. Dad had 2,000.00 from disability 3 days ago and its gone. A fight ensued with dad grabbing joes wallet and taking $20.00 anyway. The fights before have ended with joe threatening to call the cops and dad threatening to plant drugs in joes car or room. The last time he actually put a pill bottle with pills under joes car seat.

    Joes grandfather (dads dad) got involved the last two times and dad physically assaulted him too. I dont know what to do! I told joe to call the cops as soon as trouble starts, everytime. Dont argue with him, keep your car locked and go outside and wait for the cops. joe is afraid about the drug planting threat because hes afraid if he denies they are his and dad does too the cops will charge joe as well.

    joe is trying to hang on long enough to get his own place and away from the madness but in the meantime what is the right way to handle it? Joe, my daughter, joes uncle and grandfather are going to set up an intervention tommorow. if I didnt live so far away I would go too.

    it's just really pissing me off that joe has finally got himself on the right track but idiot dad seems hellbent on sabotaging it.

    Please what should I do?

    Thank you all for any advice
     
  2. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    So sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like your son is heading in a positive direction. Is there anyone else Joe can stay with temporarily? The situation at his dad's sounds like it could turn bad at any minute? If his dad does have a serious problem, I am guessing an intervention may not be effective at this point.
     
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Liv,

    I think you are doing all you can which is offer your son sound advice about keeping his car locked and calling the police when things get ugly.

    Perhaps your son could stay with his uncle or grandfather.

    If the intervention is successful and he goes into a treatment center will your son be able to continue to stay at dad's?

    If it were me, I would strongly suggest to son that he needs to find another place to stay as he tries to get on his feet.

    Hang in there!!

    ((HUGS))
     
  4. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    i agree that Joe needs to find another place to live. Dad sounds like a trigger point and not a positive influence. Anyway to help him with some temporary shelter? I would encourage Joe to stay away from his father for the time being. He sounds like he is heading in the right direction, but does not need the emotional and physical sabatoge his father is presenting. Hugs to you....I know this stuff is stressful
     
  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Hi, Liv. My first husband was a meth user. Personally, I think Joe is better off homeless than with the chaos surrounding his dad. He needs a different place to live . . . yesterday.

    As far as you are concerned, are you sure that Joe is sober? Why is he even calling you for help when you don't live nearby and are no longer married to Dad? There is very little you can do but give him advice and the best piece is "get out of there." Try to keep yourself away from your ex's insanity. Support your kids in whatever they decide to do, but let them handle it.

    I agree that a meth intervention is unlikely to be successful. Knowing firsthand how furious people on meth get, I wouldn't attempt it. I don't think they are in a mindset to get the help they need.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Really, that is a bad place for a drug addict, using or not, and I assume Joe is making enough to at least rent a room in a private residence since he has a good job. It may not be The Ritz but it beats being a drug addict, if clean, and living with one who threatens to get him in trouble with the cops. You can suggest he move out. There is little else you can do other than offer him a place with you, if that is acceptable.

    I am very sorry for your angst. Your son has a job now. That means options, even if he doesnt get his first choice. Good luck.
     
  7. theboyzmom

    theboyzmom New Member

    He must find a place to stay and surround himself with very supportive and positive people. Its a struggle enough for someone just to get through the day... and to deal with outside factors is almost impossible. As a mom, can he come back to you? My opinion only is that most moms have that nurturing sense to try to save their own child. Can he find another job? Sometimes in order to move forward positively one must really make a change in venue. I think this father sounds very toxic and he can't possibly help the son if he can't even help himself. Save your son please encourage him to come to you and get out of there. I have seen so much sadness come out of these types of situations. Move forward, never look back......
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If we moms could help. None of us would be here. We have all tried and tried and our love hasnt saved anyone. Sometimes they decide to get well, but it is due to them, not anyone outside.

    Some adult kids are too dangerous or defiant to live with family. That is up to the family.

    But Joe needs to leave his dads place. Anywhere sounds like a better option.At his age finding a large lovimg support sustem is unlikely. Even much of family may not want him around. He is going to do the majority of the work himself. Sounds like he has slready made progress umder hard circumstances. He can do it.
     
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    What a horrible and somewhat unique situation as far as any posts I have read here especially recently.
    Are you sure Joe is not using?
    If you are sure, I would help Joe (minimally and temporarily) find another place to live.
    Can he live with a friend for a few months?
    Maybe he can make arrangements to live with a friend who has a spare bedroom if he offered to pay a low, but reasonable rent? If it were 1-3 months maybe it would be do-able. And maybe this would give him time to save a little money and find a good deal on an apartment.
    This is just a random suggestion. But, it might take creativity to get him out of his Dad's house.
    Maybe you can help him very temporarily with housing. Maybe offer to pay half rent somewhere for a maximum for three months and three months ONLY. Whatever you decide to do...make it abundantly clear and stick to it. The key words are : help and temporarily and if and only if he is sober. in my humble opinion, all of these boundaries are urgent!!!!!
    Living with a user can only spell trouble for him.
    And enabling him by helping too much or for too long, can only spell trouble for both of you.
     
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The means do not justify the end. There are safe places, like shelters, or Salvation Army to stay which do not involve the proximity to hard drugs and all that comes with this. Like the others say, what about the other relatives? Can Joe come home to you? Can you front him $200 for a weekly motel? Even in Los Angeles you can get a motel for the week in a good, safe area for that amount.

    Is there work in that area? Opportunities sufficient to make it worthwhile to stay? Have you discussed with Joe his options?

    Why has Joe chosen this environment to stay? I would at least raise the question in my mind about drug use and I would wonder why Joe is involving you, to deal with a situation over which you have no control, instead of coming home.
    To emphasize, I agree with everybody else. I do not think Joe should stay there one minute more. The risks are too great, and he should not allow himself to be abused by his father, and his father is abusing him.

    I am glad you are here. I hope you keep posting. Welcome and take care.
     
  11. Liv_on_sunset

    Liv_on_sunset New Member

    Thank you everyone for your advice. Really helps me reground (is that a word?). So for an update:

    According to dad and grandfather Joe was the instigator and dad never touched him. And didnt kick him out either. He left on his own. This is what they told my daughter. Just the fact that grandad said the same I tend to believe it. He has a level head. I dont think he would cover for dad, he never has before.

    Last night he called me and text several times. I was at work and couldnt answer. His texts said he wanted to go back to Seattle, they have resources for homeless unlike our hometown.We were all pieces of :censored2: for not helping him with the dad situation. My daughter has paid for a motel for him everytime they fight, although each time she (and I) have gently mentioned how easy it would be for him to find a place since he has a job and car now. Also said he wished there was assisted suicide for people who were tired of the bullshit and whose lives would never be worth anything. Uggh.

    There is so much backstory to this. I should have started from the top for everyone but that would have been so much to read! And I didnt think it would have taken the turn that it did.but Long story short this whole thing has been the pattern for the last three years. He bounces back and forth from Seattle to hometown. This time we were hoping things would go better, since he got a job and grandad helped with the car. I really had hope and was on his side which Im sure you could tell by my post. Im always on his side, we all are, which hurts so much more when he throws it all away. I love that kid but he has steadily burned every bridge. I wont let him come here because hes been abusive to me in the past, Im afraid he would do the same thing here as he has done in Ks and we are barely making it financially to have another person.

    I dont think he is using but I believe he needs psychiatric help. He absolutely refuses and says nothing wrong with him and our society thinks pills are the answer to everything.He says they cant tell him anything about himself that he doesnt already know.

    Just spoke with my daughter and she said his car is at dads nobody knows where he is and his phone goes to voicemail. That could be hes out of minutes or because he broke the phone like he mentioned he was going to in one of his texts last night. His laptop is gone from the house. She thinks he had enough money to get a ticket, bus or train back to Seattle. So now the waiting game.

    Half of me feels guilty for not helping him more and the other half says you can only rescue someone so many times. Hes an adult, makes his own choices and has to live with those choices. Every time someone puts a hand out for him instead of running with it he ends up ruining the chance and then not hesitating to call us all pieces of :censored2:.

    So thats the gravity of the situation. Thankfully I have started seeing a therapist, not just the son issues but it usually ends up being what we talk about.

    So thank you again, you all have given sound advice and I will come here often.
     
  12. Liv_on_sunset

    Liv_on_sunset New Member

    oops, I see the little "censored" guy...sorry
     
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Liv. There are so many parallels with my own son who is now 28 and much improved, to the point he is living with us now. And for the most part, he is a pleasure to be around.

    The turn around started with my setting firm limits. To the extent I was disinterested even in talking with him, and when we did, *he called me I spoke only the Al Anon words: oh, so, and no.

    I do believe he began to mature but I also held him accountable and was clear about limits, and better enforced them.

    The point is that your son is acting like a difficult child does: lying, blaming others, putting responsibility on others, losing, breaking phones, eating up your arm if you give them a hand, running friendships into the ground by taking advantage, rejecting therapy, believing he knows best, vagrancy, homelessness, indirect or direct threats of suicide, aggression, hostility....this is all typical difficult child behavior. My own son did all of this and more.

    And at 27, he began to get better, but oh boy did he have to suffer to be motivated to temper his behavior and accept limits. Now there is even the beginnings of motivation to achieve. I hope. So far, just words. But he is showing flickers of understanding that the solutions to his problems are in him.

    I do hope you stay with us. Please, please, take heart. This is really, really hard....I do not have to tell you. You might want to read the "detachment" thread which you can find posted somewhere on the Forums pages. I will go check to find it.

    Take care.

    Here it is: Look at Parents Emeritus. It is like the 2nd or 3rd thread down. Article on Detachment
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
  14. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Liv, we will happily read the backstory if you feel like you want to share it. Sometimes we get better clarity if we tell our stories.