fairly new to ODD

[pamzee]

Hi all;

I don't know where to start. Newly married, 6 months, husband has 18 year old son with ODD and I find it increasingly difficult to deal with him. Husband incarcerated for next 4 weeks, i'm anxious about leaving my 12 year old home alone with him while i'm at work. He's done things like scream at her for having her music on...making her leave the house in cold weather, scaring her to the point where she didn't know what to do and peed her pants in the alley. He's thrown things at her, most of the time she's too frightened to say anything until way after the fact.
His father and I have been together for more than a year...dson exhibiting more jealous behavior toward daughter since we got married. Although he's not explosive all the time, i'm still anxious about my daughter.
Of course with him turning 18, he's under the impression now that even though he lives in our house, he doesn't have to abide by all the rules.
Just real frustrating, especially without his father here to help "control" the situation.
Guess I just need to voice my frustrations somewhere, came across this web site and thought i'd give it a try. No one else really to talk to...

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi Pamzee, Welcome.

I would not leave your 12-yr-old alone with-your stepson. It's too unpredictable, and more than that, it's not fair to make your daughter miserable. I would arrange after-school care immediately for her, so that she takes the bus to the YMCA or somewhere that is supervised.

Your son is old enough to live by himself if he is not going to abide by your rules.

What is your husband's role in this? Why isn't he there? Does he travel? Why is this all your responsibility? This is not an auspicious start for a new marriage, sorry to say. You and your husband must present a united front.

Have you read the other notes here? There are several excellent Tough Love situations that will help you.

 

[pamzee]

Husband incarcerated on a probation violation, second instance since marriage. He's normally the one who deals with son and his outbursts. Husband and mother-in-law ask me to just ride it out for the next 4 weeks, stating it's not son's fault he has this disorder (which i don't dispute). Husband says that as soon as he comes home, will make other living arrangements for son. Until then...kind of hard to know what to do, if anything.
I'm currently on medications for depression (prozac). With my disorder, i'm sure it makes a difference on my ability to deal with the situation.
Sorry...sounds like i'm whining

 

[guest3]

I would arrange after-school care immediately!!!! I agree with TerryJ2! To dangerous, this is your daughter! If $ is a problem go to school and explain the situation, I am sure they will help you out. Praying for you, but please remember we are responsible for our kids safety, listen to your heart, not your husband or Mother-n-law.

 

[smallworld]

Pam, welcome. Glad you found us.

What kind of doctor diagnosed your SS with ODD? Is he in therapy or taking any medications?

ODD is generally not a stand-alone diagnosis. Think of it as a symptom rather than a diagnosis until itself. ODD behaviors generally improve once the underlying condition is identified and treated.

I agree with not leaving your daughter alone with SS. She deserves a safer babysitting arrangement than your SS is able to provide. This type of situation can also cause long-term anxiety in your daughter. Can she stay with a friend or neighbor until you get home from work?

Again, welcome.

 

[susiequte]

I also have a stepson (19). His dad and I have only been married 19 months. I don't have any other kids, but recently I made it clear that I wasn't going to take anymore of this kids crap. I was beginning to feel unsafe in my own home. "J" is now homeless and not allowed back here except for a few hours here and there. My humble opinion is that YOU are in charge of your home especially if husband isn't there. Throw him out and change the locks. You and your daughter don't deserve to be treated that way.

 

[oceans]

If your husband has bipolar, there is a chance that your step son also has it, and the ODD behavior could be coming from that. Is he still in High school? If he is 18 and not in school, he needs to be looking into a job and another place to live. Perhaps he can stay with the grandmother for right now. You and your daughter should not have to be in a place of danger and anxiety in your own home.

 

[pamzee]

SS still registered in ALC, just within reach of getting a diploma, but refuses to go to school most of the time. He's currently on contract which means, if he doesn't continue to keep his attendance up he'll be released from school.
He won't get up when I knock on his door in the morning...he's supposed to be in school at 10 am, i usually give up after an hour. Some days he'll go, others he'll leave but not go to school.
I'm thinking about asking his dad to get him re-evaluated...i'm sure that there are other things going on than just the ODD, bi-polar maybe.
Hoping that there's something else we can do to help, tough love is the only other option. Meaning he'll have to leave and find somewhere else to live, I can't continue to be anxious on a daily basis and worried about whether or not me daughter and I are safe... especially my daughter, when i'm not home. Grandmother's is not an option...only wish it were.
Thanks for listening.