Fearing the worst

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemyson1, Feb 2, 2015.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Oh dear friends.. We are finding evidence that he may be using again. He's been lying, losing weight, we found hallowed out pen with residue hidden in closet. I'm in tears.. He's coming over in a bit and we're going to confront him and force him to take a Urine test in front of his dad. Please help me say the right things.. I don't know what to do or say? He has a job, a nice girlfriend and almost done with his mandatory treatment. I'm so distraught and heart broken!
  2. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    While I cant tell you the right things to say, I can pray for you to have the strength and wisdom to do the right thing.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    "Rehab or I'm going to have to make you leave. You'll never hit rock bottom in our house. We love you dearly and don't want to do things that make you comfortable when you endanger your life. So is it rehab?"

    Drug tests are unreliable. Your evidence, however, is not. Offer to help him. Don't offer to enable him while he is still using though unless he gets help. That's my .02 and worth every penny.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your instincts say he is using. Trust them and NOT whatever he says. He will tell you the pen is old, and someone else's. He took it from them so they would not be able to use because he is that good now. Don't buy it because it is a LIE. It is his. He is using. I would likely not do the drug test because he could be using something that won't show up on it.

    Your suspicions ARE enough. the pen is proof, and you don't need more. Please say what MWM suggested. Give him a list of shelters in your area if he won't go to rehab. Take away his vehicle if at ALL possible. He is a menace to himself and others if he is using drugs and he is driving. If he won't go to rehab, and he leaves, make sure you notify his PO. Not only is it probably your legal duty (at least here it would be), he is likely safer in jail for a probation violation than out on the street doing drugs and who knows what else. Going back to jail and knowing that you turned him in to his PO could be bottom, esp if you refuse to bail him out this time or any other time from this point forward.

    He will threaten to hate you, to never speak to you again, and all manner of other hateful things. This is addiction speaking and not your son. Addiction hasn't ever said anything nice to anyone with-o an ulterior motive, so ignore addiction when it speaks. After he is clean, truly clean and on the path to recovery, he will speak to you and won't hate you. I have seen it many times, including with my own brother.

    You can find episodes of Dr. Phil and of Intervention on youtube if they will help you see that keeping him at home is the wrong thing to do. Just search for "Dr Phil full episode" and look for titles about addiction or for "Intervention full episode". Listen to what they tell the parents on these shows. You will see situations like your own and hopefully it will strengthen your resolve to insist on rehab and/or leaving your home.

    Please go to alanon or families anonymous or another group for parents/families of the addicted. It will not only give you support and improve YOUR mental/emotional health, it actually increases your son's chances of achieving and maintaining sobriety. Of course it make him sober make him stay sober, but it teaches you how to not be codependent and how to best support his recovery. I have seen several sources that say it improves an addict's chances of sobriety and recovery by 30%. If your son was in school and his grades could be improved by 30% if you went to a class for an hour every few days, you would do it. Especially if it was a really important but difficult class. You could raise his grade from an F (50%) to a B (80%) by spending that time in class. Isn't recovery FAR more important than any class he took in school? isn't that a HUGE improvement in his odds of recovery? If you won't go to a family support group because it will benefit yourself, go for him. It really will help the entire family.
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  5. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you for your prayers & advice.. He admitted that he slipped up. He's embarrassed & ashamed but we told him we appreciate the honesty. We are encouraging him to be strong and walk away from the ugly addiction and the friends he went back to hanging with. As of now, we're just giving him support. He's living in SLE for 3
    More weeks.. *sigh*
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LMS1, if he is losing weight, as my daughter did, he is using a lot. They don't just slip up when it's heroin or meth. My daughter was always using a lot when she lost weight. I'm not telling you not to support him, but don't fool yourself. He did not slip up. You can slip up and smoke pot. But you don't slip up and use heroin or meth just once. And then stop again. Sadly, and I wish I hadn't, I have been there. Also, my daughter could function quite well on meth, cocaine, ADHD drugs and the other drugs of her choosing. She worked at Walmart part-time in high school then went to Cosmetology School where she aced it, even though we got calls from school telling us they were worried that she was using cocaine because some kids had gone to them with concerns. We didn't believe them because she was working, going to school, and mostly I didn't WANT to believe it. But her friends were sort of right...meth was her drug of choice, then downers so she could sleep.

    I think a support group, where you can talk to other parents, would both make you feel better, give you coping skills and teach you what to look for in your son...and how to cut through the BS. I could not have gotten thru it without Al-Anon. That is available to you, as is The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill and other sulpport groups. Don't try to guess or do it alone.

    If he comes home and you see any evidence of drug use, then you have some hard decisions to think about. No matter what, you can always offer your love and emotional support, but that won't stop his drug use. And, take my word on this as I was fooled so many times, you have no idea if his nice girlfriend uses drugs or not. Some very nice people use drugs. She would not want to be friends with a drug addict, even if he is in rehab, if drugs aren't ok with her. Birds of a feather and all that. Are his other friends who use drugs out of his life? That's a big clue as to whether or not he is seriously in recovery too. My daughter is a lovely person and wasn't even mean on drugs, except to herself. (She is even sweeter now that she is clean. I am very proud of her. IT CAN HAPPEN, but we must be realistic).

    Last edited: Feb 2, 2015
  7. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you for your words of wisdom MWM & Susiestar. We are looking now for a support group. We definitely need one. We told him he may not move back in with us. And you're right MWM, he didn't just slip up, he was using a lot recently to look so thin. And Susie, our instincts & evidence were spot on! He's promising us to get clean but says he doesn't need support or rehab. That worries me! He is too weak on his own and that has been proven. At this point we told him, to find a place to live, get clean, stay clean for a very long time before we ever allow him back in our home. God give me strength! :-(
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    lovemyson, I just want you to know I'm reading along and thinking of you. :hugs:
  9. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you Lil. Every thought, encouraging word, wise advice, prayer, and hug is greatly appreciated! I love you all and pray for all of us. :group-hug:
  10. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Prayers and hugs! From what I understand heroin addiction is a bear to break. Have you talked with him about alternative legal medications? There are medications available such as methadone and suboxone. I just recently posted here on the site an article: http://www.conductdisorders.com/com...e-about-heroin-treatment.59591/#axzz3Qh6rCD9p
    Heroin addicts are dying of overdoses because support for medications is not popular in the 12 step and other recovery systems. I, personally think the use of these medications is better than losing a son (death through overdose) than the stigma attached to using available medications for this addiction. Try not to think of you son as "weak" but addicted to a very powerful and brain changing chemical. Here is a guide put out by the government about the use of these medications. http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/heroin/what-are-treatments-heroin-addiction
    I feel you should do whatever you feel is the right thing for your family as to whether you put him out or not. Your home, your rules, however I hope the information I provided in the links helps you to come to a better educated decision. In the end though you have to do what is best for you and the rest of your family. Supporting you in whatever way you go!
  11. Origami

    Origami Active Member

    lovemyson, I just wanted to lend my support as the mother of an active heroin addict. I didn't even want to admit that, but that's what he's become. Mine is still working for the time being, but he looks like death-warmed-over most days when I see him. We recently asked him to leave our home, where he's been living for over a year, after having discovered he's been shooting up in our bathroom. He still comes around to visit his kids, who also live with us.

    There's strength and support here on this site, so I'm glad you found us. It's a comfort to be able to get advice or to just vent with those who understand what you're going through. Hugs!
  12. Origami

    Origami Active Member

    Sorry. love myson, I was assuming you were new to the site but I see you're not! Hugs anyway in this latest ordeal.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He cannot get clean without help and support. It simply isn't going to happen for someone using opiates or meth. That is just reality. The withdrawals, esp from opiates like heroin, are so brutal that you would literally do anything, regardless of how it violates your beliefs, to make it stop. I know because a few yrs ago someone at my doctor's office claimed to have mailed my rx's to me but they never arrived and the doctor would not replace them. So I had withdrawal for a period of time until he realized that a substantial group of patients didn't get their rx's that month and were ALL in withdrawal. The person mailing them was tested and found to be using opiates, so we were all given new rx's and she was fired. It was the longest and most awful week of my life. If I had any clue who to go to in order to buy illegal drugs, I would have. But I wouldn't even know who to ask.

    I do think a methadone or suboxone program might be helpful. It is a far better alternative to overdosing. I know suboxone is expensive, but methadone is dirt cheap. I take it for pain management and it works well. It is FAR cheaper than many other opiates, and is useful for getting off of heroin and other opiates because it stays in your system working for around 20 hours. That means programs can have you come in for your dose at the clinic rather than having you carry a bottle of it around with you. It can also be given in liquid form which makes it far harder to cheeks and then sell or hoard to take all at one time. Suboxone is a good medication because it can make other opiates not work for you. If you are taking suboxone, it doesn't do a lot to take other opiates because they cannot function normally in your body and make you high. Or that is the theory behind it, learned from materials from a program my exsil was in.

    I do have concerns about one thing in your post. You say your son has to do a list of things like stay clean before he can live in your home. Your son is 20 years old. Moving home should NOT be a goal of his. If he needs to move back in at some point after he is clean and sober for a while, well, you can discuss that then, but moving back home would be backward progress in many ways for an adult. He needs to be encouraged to build a clean and sober life out on his own, not to become clean and sober in order to move back in with you. I mention this so that you can be clear with yourself and your son about what you want and expect for him.

    As always, take what works for you and leave the rest.
  14. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Well said. We've had trouble getting this through our son's head. He wants to live at home because he wants the perks of adulthood without the responsibilities. Hard to get that even being homeless because there are ALWAYS rules you have to live by and being responsible for finding a place to sleep or food to eat is, well, too much responsibility for him!
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I have several thoughts on this. First let me say my son is a multi substance user and I know he has dealt with opiate withdrawel in the past but he does not limit himself to opiates so as far as I know he is not a heroin addict.

    We have had my son in a multitude of programs. So I will say you can't make it stop! You do not have that power. I wish we could all just make it stop. I also don't think you can depend on drug testing to be sure he is clean. There are ways to get around them as we found out. Really I think in the end any conditions have to be behaviorial...ie he is working and showing he is moving in the right direction. N

    Basically you can make it clear you will help him do the next right thing and not help him do the next wrong thing.

    As far as moving back home. That is a very slippery slope and I agree should not be his goal...his goal at this age should be to become a functioning independent adult! Lots of kids this age need help to get there, and for some that might be living at home for awhile....but really with a kid with an addiction that can be incredibly hard on you. At this age you want to be the supportive parent and not be trying to police him. It is really hard ti do that with an addict who is living at home, especially if you are drug testing
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  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh LMS I'm sorry I am late in this but my prayers and support are with you always.
  17. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Good afternoon dear friends. As always you have comforted me with your words and read my mind. I am so distraught at the guilt of turning him away. I just have such a hard time with the guilt I feel when I'm not comforting him, feeding him, giving him a warm bed. He has a place to stay and a job, but keeps saying he feels overwhelmed and wants our help to get caught up. That being said, he's currently broke because he's been "using" the past few weeks. My husband started out gentle, & compassionate and is slowly getting super angry at the thought of him making the decision to use again! After everything we've been through, all the money spent, getting him out of jail, treatment programs, ugh!!! I'm beyong frustrated. I love what you said, Susiestar, about his goal should not be to come back home. Wow, that really sinks in. You are so so right. He is completely capable, especially if he gets and stays clean. At this point, I'm not sure what to say to him. I want to say, "I will completely support you in doing right. But I will not support you in doing wrong." And leave it at that. My husband is so tore up today and hasn't slept the last 2 nights. I feel like this is straining our relationship. I'm going to read the articles you sent me "2much" and thanks for the love Origami. Thank you everyone!
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Do what you can for you son.
    But do NOT feel guilty about not feeding, comforting etc. the addict. Doing so does not help your son.

    It's hard. Really hard.
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  19. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I know, InsaneCdn. I'm learning this. I will tryi with all my might to be strong. We just got a call from his SLE, he's throwing up, withdrawals. We told them, tell him to test clean or go in a program or back to jail he goes. I have to let go and let be.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Most kids your son's age are feeding themselves. My daughter, who is eighteen, was in sports in high school has been cooking for herself before the rest of us ate due to her difficult schedule since she was fourteen. My son who is autistic has a limited variety of food he will eat so he is a very good cook. He is 21, and, as I said, has autistic spectrum disorder, a part time job, and lives in his own apartment, funded by himself. Most adult children like being independent.

    Now...I'd like to weigh in on whether or not one can choose to not use heroin. I am a compulsive researcher and when something comes into my life, I read up on it. Although my daughter's drugs of choice were close to being as dangerous as heroin, they weren't heroin so I just sort of stumbled upon things about heroin by reading about the stuff she took. Along the way, it seems that the physical addiction to heroin is so painful and the urge so compelling at the same time that I doubt your son can decide, "Gee, today I quit. That's it. No more. I'll never shoot up again."

    I am thinking, from my reading, that his best chance is getting on a methodone program. It is far better to be addicted to methadone than heroin. It is unlikely he will ever live an opiate free life. You hear about those who quit cigarettes, as hard as that is. You hear about those who stop drinking and never drink again. You hear about pot addicts who quit completely. You hear about people quitting speed (my daughter did). But you don't really hear about heroin addicts quitting all alone, without medical help, or just because Mom is being comforting to the person. If it were my kid, I'd be suggesting a methadone program. At least one can function on methadone. Heroin has a huge fatality rate. Now your son will always be prone to craving it, but some less terrible drugs can stop him from being an every day heroin user and can help him live a normal life.

    Lots of people take medication. I need an antidepressant to function. I'd rather take it than be so depressed I am useless. It is not defeat if your son quits heroin by using something milder to take away the cravings. Has he ever approached you with that option? I think it is loving to tell a heroin addict that he will be loved and valued if he made things better by taking methadone or that other drug (always forget it's name) that stops the heroin cravings.

    Look, I may be giving you totally insane and stupid advice and the other posters will tell me I am if I am. I just like you and hope your son can get a handle on the addiction, no matter how he has to do it. I can feel your heartbreak in every post of yours yet your son is on such a dangerous path. I just hope he can get to a safer place, however he does it.

    Do not feel guilty. You do him no favors if you make it comfortable and easy for him to shoot up. Eventually his kids will see it, and he could leave something dangerous around...he should not be near his kids at all nor in your house since he was using in your bathroom. What if he leaves a dirty spoon around and one of the kids licks it?

    Please take care of yourself. Hugs!!!!