Feeling angry

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by catwoman, Mar 11, 2009.

  1. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    It's been three weeks since my surgery and not a word from difficult child or his girlfriend. I'm 90% sure he knows about it because dex knows, and he speaks to him.

    He's cut me out of his life again for no apparent reason. He "needs space." From what?! I've looked back over the past year to try and figure out what happened. After we had initially reconnected again, he and girlfriend were coming from NJ to spend the weekend at least twice a month. They always enjoyed themselves, we live in Amish country and they live in an inner city area of NJ, so this was a big deal to them. They were here for Thanksgiving, Easter, and met us at my daughter's house in NJ on Christmas. Each time everything went very well. Then little by little they stopped coming out. Coincidentially the visits slowed down right after I totaled my Jeep Wrangler. difficult child loved driving it with the roof and doors off. Do I want to believe he is so juvenile that driving that Jeep was a big reason he was coming here? I don't want to, but honestly I do. Also, he and his sister had a fight and haven't spoken in almost a year. I refuse to take sides, I think they're both behaving like idiots. It seems like he's angry I won't side with him against his sister. Too bad.
    Then it started taking him days to return my calls and finally he didn't return them at all. When I did finally get in touch with him was when he had the huge meltdown and screamed at me to lose his number. I could have handled the situation better. I got very upset and started crying. It's just that I had finally managed to have some kind of a relationship with him after 5 years of not seeing or hearing from him.

    I should know better but you'd think the possibility his mother might have bone cancer would have made him want to call me. I'm so sick of his selfishness.
  2. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry! I can only imagine how much your mommy heart hurts. That really stinks that he didn't even call you to see how things went. Our wonderful children can be so incredibly selfish at times. They really have the power to hurt us in a way that no one else can.

    I hope he calls soon. I hope you guys are able to work this out.

    How did everything go with the surgery? Praying that you are in tip top shape! :)
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, Catwoman. Rob tends to spend more time with girlfriend's family than his Dad or me---as was also the case with my ex when we were married. Maybe that's partially what they are doing?

    In any case, his poor manners are still hurtful.

  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. I know this hurts, a lot. My kids don't ever seem too concerned about my own issues, either, although it's been nothing as serious as yours.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would be ticked off too. I am so sorry. My married son does spend more time with his inlaws but I think that is because he lives closer to them. There is that old saying though. Daughters are daughters for the rest of your life, sons are sons till they take a wife....or something like that.
  6. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    Dear Cat --

    I'm very new here; but I wanted to say that I am sorry to hear of your health issue. I pray you are doing well. I cannot say/understand why your son may not have contacted you; knowing you've had surgery recently and I don't want to assume. Only God knows why people do the things they do -- sometimes we will never know 'why'. That still doesn't take away the hurt that you feel though.

    Many hugs for you,
    Doll (formally CJN)
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so sorry.
    The way I see it...there are two parts to this. One is that your son is deeply troubled by your diagnosis and frightened. By speaking to you about it, it becomes more real and more frightening.
    However, at a certain point in time, he should be able to come to grips with that. Additionally, it is too bad that he doesn't have someone in his life to help him cope better. Perhaps his father or girlfriend would say to him "Have you called your mother to see how she is feeling?"
    Anyway, I think after a certain period of time, given his age, it is fair for you to feel disappointed that he has not called.
    A couple of thoughts...
    Especially if you take into consideration the seriousness of your illness, it is not a good idea for you to get emotionally upset about this. It's not a good idea on a number of levels. For one thing, our difficult children tend to have oppositional tendencies and the more upset you are the more they are likely to behave inappropriately in the future. And, why live in a constant state of turmoil? It is not good for your health.
    So, it might be best for you to say to yourself that your son is not acting appropriately. If he calls and you can muster the strength and say this with-o emotion...you might say "I am so happy that you called. Did you mean to call earlier?" Absolutely don't argue and don't be mad. Perhaps subtly let him know that you would have preferred an earlier call...but also genuinely let him know that you are very happy to hear from him.
    If you are friendly with- your ex or his girlfriend, or someone who has a positive influence on your son, you could ask them to encourage him to think about these things in the future...but I would keep it brief and not discuss it more than once. AND I wouldn't expect much.

    In the mean time...enjoy life as best as you are able. Who nurtures you? Do you have close friends? Go see a movie. Go out to breakfast. What do you like to do? Go do it.
    It will be good for your health. And your difficult child will see that life moves on even if he choses to behave in immature ways. You have the guts to tell him "whats what" but you also have the self esteem to live your life to the fullest. Too often I think our kids think that the world revoles around them because in a certain way it does for us moms. They need to know that that isn't necessarily so. Sure, as a mom, our kids are special to us. But that even us moms have our limits and we wont be doormats. And when these "kids" become adults...it really isn't appropriate....
    Sure it hurts...I understand. My heart goes out to you. But especially since you are dealing with a very difficult health condition...I would like to encourage you to enjoy life to the fullest as soon as possible.
    Lasted edited by : Mar 14, 2009
  8. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Our children do not react like normal children, Catwoman.

    Whatever his reason for ignoring the situation, you will need to learn to accept it without rancor.

    This is the next set of skills moms like us need to develop ~ the ability to name the hurt and to self-nurture, when the nurturing any mother might expect from her children is not ours to claim.

    I am so sorry this is happening, Catwoman.

    You are not alone, in your pain.

    Do not let this child destroy you.

    Let the anger go, if you can do it.

  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I'm sorry he is acting so selfish. I agree with what Barbara has posted. -RM
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2009
  10. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    Hugs to you --

    I do agree with what Nomad mentioned; your son may be too overwhelmed by your illness and perhaps cannot cope with it. Keep praying and hanging in there. I truly hope it's not out-right selfishness.
    Only God knows what lies in the hearts of us mere humans.

  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Just wanted to add...
    even if her son is overwhelmed, due to his age, he should get over this and get over it pronto.
    Even if something is understandable...it doesn't make it okay.
    All we can do is make our own personal choices. This goes on forever.
    I too like what Barbara said..especially the part about letting the anger go. This has got to be profoundly difficult... but with self nurture, a good attitude and the right choices...we can find happiness and move forward.
  12. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    Nomad -- you are right.

    Please know that I didn't mean that the son's behavior was 'ok'. I think it is awful that he has not acknowledged his mom's illness.

    I just wanted to clarify that.

  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Doll...Thank you for that...very sweet.
    Catwoman...Prayers and good thoughts for your healing, strength and happiness.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. It hurts terribly to have a much loved family member treat you like this. Sending very gentle hugs to you and BIG ol' thump upside difficult child's head to him!

    Continued prayers for your health and well being!