Feeling cold hearted

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Mar 27, 2017.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Feeling cold hearted right now. I found my Adult son hiding in my garage after I've told him numerous times that he can not stay here. There's no telling how long he has been sleeping in my garage. As he kept yelling for me to help him I kept silent. I asked him to leave he would not. He began to throw the blame game at me. It's all my fault. How can I be so hateful to throw a mental with addiction out on the streets? How do I expect him to get a job when he's dirty? All I could say was your crisis is not my crisis and I have a life to live. My husband came home to the midst of the heated battle and he said call the cops. We have done and done for him with no results just hand outs! Just last Friday he was released from mental facility and I bought him a bike and turned his phone on and took him to a shelter. By Sunday someone said he had bought this phone from him. Today is Monday. He was supposed to go to rehabilitaion treatment today instead he's in my garage! He said he don't need treatment or medications he was faking all that just for a place to stay. He said if we would only listen that all he needs is weed and a place to lay his head then he could get a job and a place. I'm just sick and tired of all this. End result was placing him in jail for trespassing. He said when he gets out he will come right back. The cops said then call us out and he'll be arrested again. I don't know what to do anymore what can I do?
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You can get a restraining order.

    We had to call the cops over and over again. My son would call the cops on us to put us in jail. It was horrible. He would walk around my neighborhood with an orange neon sleeping bag--unfurled, flying in the week. Once he took a handmade crochet bedspread to go sleep in the park a half block away. For 2 weeks he slept under a bridge on the street I drive to come home. It is better now.

    I would consider a restraining order. Your son cannot be allowed to do this to you. The only way he will change is if you call him on all of this. Each time.

    There is a danger here, about the altercations. Fighting can become physical. My son (accidentally??) broke my foot once. He said it was "defensive."

    It does not help them to let them do this. And it is horrible for us.

    Life has rules. For everybody. People do not get to do exactly what they want when then want. That he needs to stabilize with his weed, is his issue. Not yours. Profoundly disabled people work or go to school or training. If they cannot they go to Voc Rehab or therapy or both. We cannot let our sons opt out of life...not in our houses.

    PS If you file a restraining order, he will be arrested if he crosses it. But I think to get one you have to have a record of his aggressing against you or threats.
  3. Carri

    Carri Active Member

    Oh Joyshep, what a terrible situation to be in. To see your son so desperate but having to be strong enough to do the right thing for you and him. I'm glad you have your husband to back you, that you're on the same page. That must help. I hope your son finds his way.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joysheph, perhaps the following article will offer you some solace. What you're doing is a difficult thing to do, for all of us. I believe you are doing the right thing, yet I know it doesn't feel good.

    While you're moving through this challenging time, please remember to be very, very kind to yourself. Surround yourself with support, perhaps a therapist or counselor or religious leader.

    If you son has mental and emotional issues, you might try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online, they have chapters in many cities. They have excellent courses for parents and resources for your son.

    You might also try Al Anon or Families Anonymous, many parents here find great comfort in the 12 step groups.

    Continue posting Joysheph, it helps. I'm glad you're here, hang in there........

    What is detachment?
    Detachment is the:
    * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
    * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
    * Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
    * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
    * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
    * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
    * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
    * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
    * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
    * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
    * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
    * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
    * Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
    * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

    What are the negative effects not detaching?
    If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
    * Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
    * Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
    * Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
    * Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
    * Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
    * Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
    * Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
    * Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
    * Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
    * Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
    * Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
    * Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

    How is detachment a control issue?
    Detachment is a control issue because:
    * It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
    * If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
    * The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
    * If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
    * You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
    * You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
    * You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
    * You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
    * If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
    * By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
    * Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
    * It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

    What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
    * If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
    * They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
    * What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
    * You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
    * They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
    * You need them as much as they need you.
    * You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
    * They have so many problems, they need you.
    * Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
    * If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
    * How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
    * Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
    * You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
    * The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
    * If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
    * When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
    * When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
    * When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
    * You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
    * You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
    * You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
    * No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
    * Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Hugs and prayers to you. I have been down a bad road too and we're still on it.

    Sometimes it is so depressing.
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    These are tough days but you can get through them.

    Your son is talking out of both sides of his mouth. He's accusing you of being hateful to throw a mental with addiction and then he says he doesn't need treatment.
    His lashing out at you is very normal for an adult difficult child that has been cut off from mom and dad's help. It's very typical behavior that they will ramp things up, they are desperate. The comfort zone they have been living in is gone.

    I know how hard it is to call the police on your own child. Been there a few times.

    The article @recoveringenabler shared is really good. Print it out and read it over and over.

    Something else you might consider is making a list of the shelters, food pantry's and church's that your son can go to for help and give him the list.

    Also, you might want to write down sayings that you can arm yourself with when your son goes on a rant.
    1. Son, you're a grown man and need to take responsibility for yourself.
    2. I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope things work out for you.
    3. Here is a list of places you can ask for help.

    Your home is place you should feel safe, a place you go to for quiet and rest. Do whatever you have to in order for that to happen.
    I agree with @Copabanana, you may have to get a restraining order.

    I know this is hard, I know the feelings you are having. I've been there. We have all been there. You are not alone.

    Sending you positive energy and lots of ((HUGS))
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I'm so sorry. What a thing to have to deal with. There is very little you can do besides make sure everything is locked up securely when you aren't home and call the police each and every time he trespasses. Unless he's threatened violence, a restraining order is difficult to get and really, it's just a piece of paper, not a wall. It will enhance the charge he gets if he violates it, but he may think, "Why not?" since he's getting charged with trespass anyway.

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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Another thought for you to consider. If your son receives mail at your home this establishes residency. What I did with my sons mail was to mark it "does not live at this address" and put it back in the mail box for the postman.

    If there is something your son gets in the mail that's important, you might consider getting him a PO box and tell him you pay for a certain amount of time then he's on his own.

    Your son will soon start to figure out that you and your husband can no longer be manipulated or guilted into helping him and that he has to start figuring it out for himself.
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  9. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Just a note on the mail, I'm sure it probably doesn't apply to OP but it might to others. I have reason to believe my son receives deliveries from the darknet. He always intercepts these packages but I have seen one of them. I would never pay for a PO box for him to continue the illegal activity. Just be aware of what is going on out there these days, the drug business is rapidly changing and it's good to be aware of what your child may be receiving in the mail, if there is also a substance abuse issue.
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    @bluebell thanks for sharing that information. I had no clue.
    Another good reason to put "does not live at this address" and give back to the postman.
  11. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    Thinking of you right now. It breaks my heart to see what us parents suffer through. I find it interesting that my son has used the exact same excuses as others have mentioned on this site. Even down to the exact wording. I have to wonder if they all researched " how to manipulate a parent to get what you want from life". It might prove that they are resourceful to survive.
  12. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    I really appreciate this article and the explanation of detaching. I have never once thought this way about my kids. I need to print this out and read it daily. Especially when feeling helpless over something I can't change. Thank you so much.
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  13. joysheph

    joysheph Member